My Journey Through Grief And Lust

I knew the moment I held my new grandson my life had changed. My empty broken heart didn't seem empty anymore. This 8lb.14oz. baby had brought new life and dreams into this family that has quietly dealt with a death of our own. That loss ripped us apart, this new life was bringing us together. Joy, excitement, a celebration of new life!

I'm Patty and this is my story. This story is true, the events occurred years ago. I'm not proud of my choices but I've lived with my heartbreak of losing a child, my loneliness, my mistakes, my regrets.

At the age of twenty-one I graduated college with a Bachelor of Education and started my first teaching job the following fall. Over the next 5 years I taught 5th grade, met and fell in love with a fellow teacher and married him.

At the age of 28 I was a new mom of a beautiful little girl, Beth. Three more pregnancies over 6 years filled out our family of 2girls with 2 boys sandwiched in the middle.

We live in a small Midwest farming community. We know our neighbors, work at the local grade school, cheer for the local teams, active in our church, member of the choir and community volunteer.

Life was wonderful.

At 19 Beth started college at a small division 2 Christian college. She was a very good basketball player, being awarded a athletic and academic scholarship which covered the entire tuition and boarding expense. A great opportunity to continue playing the sport she loved and get a undergraduate education without debt.

In a flash it all crumbled with a late-night phone call. The call every parent fears. Beth had fallen down a flight of steps, hit her head and died instantly.

The original speculation was that she was drunk at a fraternity party, stumbled and fell.

I didn't believe my Beth who was extremely independent, mature, goal focused would drink.

The autopsy proved me right as no alcohol or drugs were found in her system.

Over the next month along with dealing with her loss and funeral we kept prodding the local authorities to investigate the circumstances.

The bottom line; a boy she had recently met and dated twice was with her, lost his temper when she would not do what he wanted and pushed her down the stairs.

Oh my God, my little girl was murdered!

The next 12 months involved charges against this boy, depositions from witnesses, a trial and finally conviction on involuntary manslaughter. At the age of 20 this young man was headed to prison.

Justice was served.

That didn't lift the deep loss and depression I felt. During the trial I watched the boy's parents, I felt empathetic for them as I watched the agony in their faces but I could not feel sorry for them. Someday their son would walk back into their home, my daughter never will.

With the conviction I still was unhappy and depressed having lost my precious first born.

Moving forward was hard for all of us. We went to counseling together and alone. From all indications our three children were doing well, I struggled. My husband, Ed, struggled also but instead of leaning and supporting each other, he retreated into his own space.

The bottom line; he blamed me.

Ed wanted Beth to attend the local community college, I wanted her to pursue her dreams and for her that was at the college 2 hrs. away. Ed only saw it one way, if she had stayed close to home, she would be alive.

Ed refused counseling, he went to work, came home, interacted with the kids but ignored me. Soon we were sleeping in separate rooms.

I went to counseling and followed her advice to remain active and stay involved with my normal activities. What I enjoyed most was the church choir and I made that my prime focus.

It was at the choir practices that I interacted with Jeff our youth minister. He knew Beth from her years being active in youth ministry.

He always seemed concerned how I was doing and always had a story of Beth and how she had been helpful to others. I enjoyed his stories and reminiscing about her. It made me aware how she had touched others and made a difference. It always made me cry. Jeff would hug me and stroke my hair until I stopped. His hug was always comforting.

This became our weekly routine. His hugs began to linger longer and he went from stroking my head to rubbing my shoulders and kissing my head. With my head on his shoulder, I was aware of the affect I was having on him, he had quite an erection. I should have stopped at this point but I was starved for affection.

I cuddled closer to him and sighed, which signaled approval, as his hand settled on my side just inches from my breast. My hand resting on his thighs moved over his erection, I slowly moved my hand in circles over his cock.

It was barely a touch but was enough for him to lose his load in his shorts. A wet spot appeared through his pants.

We stopped, I needed to head home but knowing I had that effect on him turned me on.

Once in the car I unbuttoned my jeans and slid my hand between my legs. With little effort I orgasmed before leaving the parking lot. Oh, that release felt terrific!

The next week moved slowly as I anticipated our next meeting. I wasn't sure what would happen next. Would we realize our mistake and agree to not be around each other or continue our rendezvous.

At choir practice I kept a distance from Jeff and engaged in conversations with other choir members but at the end of practice we gravitated toward each other. My first thought was how concerned he looked that he had taken advantage of me.

I reached out and hugged him whispering in his ear how I looked forward to seeing him tonight. I could feel his shoulders relax as he hugged me back. Nuzzling against his neck I kissed his cheek. He rotated his head toward me with the intention of returning a kiss on my cheek but I moved so my lips met his. At first our kiss was brief, the next was longer and the third, the fuse was lit and sparks were flying. I wanted his kiss, his embrace, his touch. I wanted him.

His hands roamed my back and along my side and eventually to where I wanted his hands, under my blouse and on my breasts. I sighed and moaned signaling my approval. He pushed my bra up and squeezed my entire breast. Oh, his hand was warm and ignited a flush tingling sensation through my body. He continued to squeeze and rub while my nipple hardened. I reciprocated his touch with my hand rubbing his crotch. Undoing his pants buckle and zipper I freed his cock and gripped it with both hands, his knees buckled from my squeeze. I wanted more. My lips trailed from his lips down his neck and chest leaving no doubt where I was heading. He surrendered as I knelt down and engulfed his penis in my mouth. He filled my mouth as my tongue swirled over his shaft.

Oral sex has been a fetish of mine since my first experience at age 14. I enjoy the feel of a cock in my mouth until just before the orgasm. My first experience was at a summer church camp with my close friend Lydia. At 14 I was starting to bloom but Lydia was fully developed and easily could pass as 18 years old. Brad was a lifeguard at the camp's pool and was very friendly and attentive toward Lydia and by being with her, me. Brad was 19, around 6 feet tall and very cute. The last night of camp Lydia and I walked by the pool where we ran into Brad cleaning. After chatting and flirting with us Brad suggested we walk down the trail to the lake to watch the stars. As we walked Brad had an arm around each of us as Lydia and I walked on either side of him. His long arms wrapped around our shoulders with enough length his hand rested on our breasts. Glancing at Lydia I could see she enjoyed his touch so I went along. At this age if Lydia jumped off a bridge, I would follow.

Brad was quite a charmer, as we sat on a bench by the lake watching the stars, he managed to convince us to remove our shirts and bras by complimenting how beautiful we were and how wonderful it felt being naked by the lake. And with it being so late and dark it was hard to see each other's body. At that point he removed his shirt. We followed with removing our shirts. He continued to dare us to be free of our clothes and experience the feeling of being naked. Brad pulled down his shorts standing naked in front of us. Lydia and I had never seen a penis up close and in the flesh. It was so stiff with a tip that looked like a mushroom. Lydia and I hesitated, looking at each other trying to decide. As close friends we instinctively knew what the other was thinking. Lydia wanted to impress this older guy; we removed our bras. It did feel good, the warm breeze against my bare chest was new and arousing. Brad's gaze was focused on Lydia's perfectly round full tits. His cock grew stiffer. He reached out to touch her breast, she did not stop him. Not forgetting about me his other hand fondled my breast. Mine were a lot smaller than Lydia's but my nipples were hard and erect and Brad noticed. Lydia and I took turns examining and touching his shaft. Lydia was the first to open wide and take his penis in her mouth, Brad thrust his cock deep in her throat, Lydia gagged and pulled away.

I reached for him, sucked him in and waited for his thrust. He pushed deep into my throat; I suppressed a gag and took more. He stopped pushing and let me suck and bob on his cock. I felt him tense and hold my head as he spurt his semen in my mouth. I didn't expect it, I gagged and spit his cum on the ground as I gasped for air. Lydia put his slightly deflated penis back in her mouth and sucked the rest of his cum. That was enough, we grabbed our clothes and ran back to camp giggling and laughing leaving Brad by the lake.

At church camp I learned I liked performing oral sex, I didn't like the taste of semen and I definitely wasn't going to swallow.

Kneeling in front of Jeff I sucked and licked his cock until I felt the familiar engorgement and him tensing his muscles ready to explode. I pulled away, stroked him until he came spirting his cum onto the choir room floor. He was breathing hard as I stood, I pulled up my blouse and bra giving him access to my chest. He didn't hesitate, he sucked in my nipple and fondled my breast while his other hand slid down my pants. My moisture greeted his fingers as he massaged around my clitoris and pushed his finger in me. My anticipation had me close and it didn't take long to spiral into an orgasm. We embraced and kissed for a while before heading home. On Sunday in church, I was on the left side of the choir, Jeff was on the right. I could watch him but also the congregation. In a front row sat his wife and 2 daughters. Such a perfect looking family. I felt ill thinking how what we did could hurt this family.

From that point on I stayed away from Jeff.

Jeff had awakened my desires. I spent the next few weeks trying to improve my relationship with my husband. No luck, he would look at me with disdain when I dressed sexy and suggest a date night.

Out of frustration I started checking out the internet. First, watching porn and using my vibrator to get off.

Then I came across "Ashley Madison" with the slogan "life is short, have an affair."

On a whim I uploaded a profile with no personal information. I was shocked that within a day there was over 100 responses.

I deleted the ones that were over 30 mi away.

The ones that sent penis pictures also got deleted except for the extremely well-endowed that piqued my curiosity.

The first guy I responded to was Stephen, a 40-year-old whose penis picture was unnaturally large. I was curious wanting to see his cock personally. He was married and being ignored by his wife. Let me add that at this point I was

naive, now I know that every guy on that site has the same line. After several back-and-forth emails we met for coffee after school. He seemed nice and honest which is absurd since he is on a website for cheaters. After a second casual meeting I agreed to meet him at a hotel.

I was nervous but also excited for this new experience and at the last minute I packed a sexy nightgown. Stephen had booked a room at an upscale hotel and brought a nice bottle of wine. He was calm and put me at ease as we sat on the couch talking and drinking the wine. I ramped up the flirting giving him a green light to kiss me. We spent some time on the couch kissing and fondling until I said I wanted to change and get in bed. I emerged from the bathroom in my sexy lingerie while Stephen was still sitting on the couch. The lust and desire in his eyes were an instant turn on for me. I had missed that feeling of being desired.

He stood and embraced me with a passionate kiss. His hand was on my breast as I felt my nipple harden. I started undoing his pants and slipped my hand inside his boxers. Oh, my he was huge! The biggest cock I've ever felt. I had to get a full view of him, I pushed his boxers down below his knees and stepped back to view his erection. He was well over 10". Wrapping my hand around his shaft I directed him to sit on the bed. I knelt and started licking and kissing his cock. I had to open my mouth as wide as possible to get his head past my lips and could only tolerate 1/2 of him before I gagged. But I worked his cock over until he climaxed directing his cum on my chest and on my lingerie. Without his ok I grabbed my phone and took a picture of his erect cock and my cum soaked lingerie.

Laying back on the bed I spread my legs and beckoned him to lick my pussy, He obliged doing an ok job while I rubbed my clitoris until I climaxed. He continued licking and sucking as my wetness covered his face. He started to move up between my legs with his cock stiffening. I stopped him short of penetration and instead jerked him off again. As crazy as it sounds, in my mind I rationalized that it was not cheating if there was no penetration.

Stephen was disappointed having expected to fuck me, he hesitated as if considering forcing himself on me but decided the best route is to go along with my hand job which he did enjoy.

But I knew I couldn't see him again unless I let him fuck me and I had decided I would not cross that line.

Over the next couple of years, I met with several men (more than I want to admit) following a similar scenario as with Stephen. I felt like a porn star, playing with and sucking their cocks and taking pictures when they finished on my face and chest. All expected and were disappointed being stopped short of intercourse.

My worse experience was a guy who tried to forcible fuck my face. I told him I enjoyed sucking him off but didn't like being forcible held. When I started to suck him, he thrust his cock hard against my throat and grabbed my head holding me while he thrust his cock hard in my mouth. After the initial gag I bit down hard, he howled and pushed me down while he grabbed his bleeding member. Dressing quickly, he left after calling me all the nasty names he knew.

One of my favorite experiences was a threesome with two gay guys. Adam initially contacted my profile and being curious I responded. Adam, and his partner, Jerry, wanted to experience being together with a woman. I told them my limits and they were agreeable. After meeting them I liked them, they were cute, funny and flamboyant. I was curious and open to an experience with this couple. I agreed to join them at their house early Friday evening and immediately felt at ease with their conversation and funny jokes. Their expensive wine helped loosen the mood. They talked and joked how they had never been attracted to women even as teenagers but recently became curious about experiencing a sexual relationship with a woman together and maybe alone. I couldn't tell if this was a curiosity on both their part or just one and the other was willing to play along.

I excused myself to the bathroom and emerged wearing my sexiest shear red lingerie. Their initial reaction was quite different from other men. They complimented how the lace and color accentuated my curves and was very sexy but there wasn't the look of wanton lust to rip it off and ravage my body. Taking their hands, I placed one on each breast. They examined the lacy edge and ran their fingers along the lace. I had to pull the edge down, expose my breast and tell them to hold me and pinch my nipples. They were very gentle caressing and rubbing my nipples, I placed a hand on each's groin and rubbed. Adam's response was immediate as I felt his erection through his pants, Jerry's response was slow and may have been more from watching Adam that my touch. I focused on Adam first undoing his pants and dropping them to the floor. I undid Jerry's next. These guys wore thong underwear, that made it easy to expose their cocks as I got on my knees. I encircled each shaft with one hand and stroked as I alternated sucking both. As I worked their cocks Jerry and Adam were passionately kissing.

Standing to get their attention back on me I suggested we move to the bedroom. I laid back on the bed watching both men finish undressing before joining me. I directed Adam to place his face on my pussy and find my clitoris. At first, he was lost. While Adam explored, I took Jerry's cock back in my mouth while he positioned to engulf Adam's cock. We were positioned in a triangle with each one of us sucking another. Adam found my clitoris and licked and sucked around my nub while probing with his finger. I gasped as he pushed 2 fingers in which caused me to gag on Jerry's cock. Adam was quite good with his touch and I was nearing an orgasm when he stopped. He had no clue I was at the edge. FYI, if you are performing oral on a lady and she is close to orgasm, don't stop!

They changed positions with Jerry's face on me and Adams cock in my mouth. With some encouragement Jerry probed me, I begged for 3 fingers, he obliged, pushed as far in as possible sending me over the edge for my first climax. They both watched me tense and jerk as I released a flood of fluid on Jerry. Still out of breath and panting I begged Adam to suck my nipple. He was tentative at first but I kept repeating harder, firmer, nibble. When he finally got aggressive and pinched my nipple between his teeth I closed my eyes and moaned spiraling into another out of breath orgasm.

Recovering I opened my eyes to see Adam on top of Jerry with his legs up and spread, Adam's cock buried deep up Jerry's rear. I watched with curiosity; I had never been a spectator to sex.

After climaxing they switched with Jerry fucking Adam doggie style, I moved in front of Adam directing his head back between my legs. He sucked me and moaned until Jerry came, pulled out and collapsed on the bed. Adam was so aroused I didn't think it would take much for him to climax but I wasn't about to suck his cock since it's been up Jerry's rear. I rolled to Adam's side so I could reach his rear. With all the lube and cum dripping out I had no trouble slipping two fingers in and finding his prostate, I rubbed and massaged while I held his cock in my other hand with my fingers pinching his head. He lost it, screaming and gasping as he came, his cum dripping between my fingers. He collapsed on his belly, I wiped my hands on their sheets and curled up between them to cuddle. They fell deep asleep. I stayed for 20 or 30 minutes before I got up dressed and left.

The following week Adam emailed they would like to meet me for lunch. I had already decided that I would do them again and was surprised that at lunch they thanked me and gave me an expensive diamond bracelet. I hugged them both and never heard from them again. I never wore the bracelet; Ed would have realized someone else gave it to me. Instead, I held onto it and at the birth of my first grandchild I gave it to my daughter in law. She was overwhelmed with the gift believing it was somehow a family heirloom.

The last guy I met was Russ, he was older, close to 70, tall and very distinguished. Our emails never mentioned sex, they were about our lives and family. It was at our second meeting over coffee I told him about Beth. He was visibly shaken unable to comprehend the grief one experiences with the loss of a child. We continued to meet for lunch or coffee and an occasional dinner.