I woke up a non-virgin the next day, to find that the sun still rose in the east, the skies were still blue, and I still had to take out the Reid's goddamn garbage. I crawled out of bed around seven and took a quick shower to clean out the cobwebs. I pulled on a pair of mesh shorts and a T-shirt and went next door to do my duty.
It was early, and even with the shower my mind was still a bit fuzzed. So while I noticed the shiny black 2002 Lexus parked across the street, I didn't think anything of it. Maybe the Johnson's had splurged, or they had rich early-morning guests. I just wanted to take out the trash and retire to the kitchen to enjoy a bowl of cereal.
There were three trash cans and a number of boxes to toss, so I got to work, dragging and toting. It took me five trips to get it all out. As I walked into the garage for the last time, debating the merits of Lucky Charms versus Cheerios for my breakfast, I saw nothing else that needed pitched. I decided on Cheerios (a more mature cereal, as befitting my new manly status), and headed out the door.
Then it hit me, like a hammer to the pinky finger. I hadn't opened the garage door. Hadn't gone to the mailbox to get the opener. I'd walked straight to the garage and found it open.
I skulked out of the garage and headed down the driveway to the mailbox. The garage door opener should have been inside. I pulled open the black metal door. No opener.
No opener. Door open. And that equaled...what?
I went back into the garage. I still didn't know what to do. If there was someone in the house, he must have heard me dragging the cans and boxes out to the curb. So now what? Maybe Mr. Reid forgot to leave the opener in the mailbox. Maybe the door just opened...on its own.
I didn't buy it either.
I waited, but I didn't hear anything. I decided to try a ruse. I hit the garage door opener on the wall, the motor whirred, and the big door slid down. I hoped the intruder would think that I'd shrugged my shoulders in confusion and left. I closed my eyes and listened hard, listened for any sign that someone was in the house.
That's when I heard it. A soft, but quite distinct, "Creak."
I froze. The sound came from inside the house. I was sure of it. What was more, I knew that the middle of the Reid's kitchen floor had a dead spot that always creaked. I'd just heard someone step on that dead spot.
I was glued in place. I listened, hard, but heard nothing more. I strained my ears, counting off the seconds. Five seconds, nothing. Ten seconds, zilch. Fifteen...twenty...
And then, as I counted "twenty-three", I heard the faint sound of a door slamming shut. It was an oddly muffled "THUD", and I realized that whoever it was had just slammed the Reid's refrigerator shut. I stopped breathing. I heard another groan from upstairs. And I heard a rhythmic "thump-thump-thump-thump-thump", each beat fainter than the one before. The sound of feet mounting the steps to the second floor.
Someone was definitely in the house.
What to do. The obvious choice-get out of the house and call the cops-appealed to me immensely. Why I didn't do that, why I instead pulled a 4-iron out of a bag of Dan's old clubs and headed for the door leading into the basement, I can't say, not even now. I must have been out of my goddam mind. Or, maybe my subconscious had already solved the mystery, and knew who the intruder was. If so, it didn't do my courage any good. I was scared to death as I opened the door and peered into the pitch-black basement.
I read in a Tom Clancy novel that if you're trying to sneak around without making noise, you're best bet is to go barefoot. So I kicked off my sandals and mounted the stairs without a making a sound. I opened the door leading from the basement to the kitchen and carefully avoided the creaking spot on the floor that first alerted me. I paused to listen. I heard squeaking and thumping noises coming from above. The intruder wasn't trying to be quiet now. I heard a loud bang, like a drawer slamming shut.
I tip-toed up the stairs leading to the second floor. My bare feet on the thick carpet made no noise at all. What exactly I planned to do when I confronted this burglar, I couldn't say. Order the person to leave? Run away screaming? Whomp 'em with the 4-iron? It was funny, the reason I'd picked the 4-iron out of the bag because that's the club I hit best out on the course. I almost burst into hysterical laughter at the absurdity of it all.
The ruckus was coming from the Reid's former bedroom. I walked slowly down the hall, stopping just outside the door. I held my breath, waiting, for what I wasn't sure. A signal for action, my cue to come on stage.
It finally came, when I heard a familiar voice say a familiar word. "Fuck!"
I couldn't believe my ears. I set the club on the floor and stuck my head around the corner, so my eyes could confirm what my ears were telling me. And there was the prowler, clad in a black t-shirt and black shorts, rummaging through a closet, shoving hangers from side to side, looking for something or other in the empty space. All the clothes were gone, gone with everything else, to Arizona with Dan and Jackie. And the prowler seemed quite agitated at the absence of, well, everything.
It was time for the intruder to know that the house was brimming with uninvited guests this day. I concentrated on making my voice as calm, cool, and collected as possible.
I said, "Hello, Beverly."
I should have expected her reaction, but if I HAD expected it, I would've called the cops instead of playing Boy Detective. Beverly shrieked and whirled around and stumbled back until her tight little buns bounced off a dresser. She looked shocked and scared and it took her a good three seconds to get her wits about her. But when she did, when she saw it was ME, of all people on Earth, who'd just scared her half to death, she acted without hesitation.
To be charitable, she went stark raving bonkers.
She came at me, keening a bloodthirsty screech of rage, her inch-long nails extended like talons, reaching out for my face. I like my face, and since I knew from the healing wounds on my back and stomach what those long, sharp, sexy nails could do to soft flesh, I wasn't about to take it easy on her.
She slashed at my cheek and I leaned back and seized her wrist. I jerked her off balance and spun her left, so that she fell against me, her back to my chest. I wrapped both arms around her in a bearhug, pinning her arms at her side. I had her under control. For the moment.
She screamed, SCREAMED, she let loose a torrent of profanity that would have made a prison guard cringe. She thrashed and kicked and it was like holding on to a Tasmanian Devil. "Fuck this," I snarled and I manhandled her to the bed. I toppled on the mattress with her underneath me, my weight bearing down on her. I threw my right leg over her thighs to keep her a bit under control.
"Let me go, you goddam motherfucking thumbdick BASTARD!!"
I gritted my teeth, she was sweating and was getting a bit slippery. "Now now, you of all people know that my dick is bigger than a thumb."