Loving Jessie

*Note to readers: This story is based on a request from a reader who is a 53-year old white male who's in love with a 39-year old white female. He's provided a lot of detail, most of which I've incorporated into the story. To avoid revealing his true identity, I've changed names as well as jobs and a few other minor things, but it is very close to reality. I've seen pics of her with the face blotted out for security reasons, and I can assure she is a very attractive woman everywhere I could see.

As an important aside, they are also both members of the Mormon Church, a favorite theme of mine, as my first (as in my first) girlfriend was a Mormon as was an older married woman with whom I had an affair when I was 18 (see Bagging Lauren for that story.)

I know readers don't much care for stories based on either religion or politics, so I'm keeping the religious references to a bare minimum, but it is a central theme in both of their lives and can't be completely omitted.

It's the push-pull of wanting to 'remain faithful' going head-to-head with human carnal desires I find so interesting. I see nothing at all worth writing about in two people meeting, hooking up, and having sex—even if it's great sex. It's breaking down the resistance that fascinates me. The female character here, like most deeply religious people, very much wants to 'stay faithful to the teachings' of her church. But like all human beings she is also strongly tempted by her physical desires.

In real life, they haven't yet even dated although they are very close and do a lot of flirting via email and Facebook. He says they are 'stuck in the friend zone' and this story is my interpretation of the male character's desired outcome and based on what he's shared, it seems to be, at a minimum, a reasonably strong possibility.

On a side note, the male MC said he would never, ever shave his mustache. Sorry about that, 'Reid'! :-)

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"Okay, look at me, Reid. What did I ask you to do today? Can you remember?"

"Please don't start in on me again, okay, Reina?"

"Do I need to pin a note to your shirt before you leave for work?" his wife asked.

"I'm not one of your 1st-graders," he told her, the frustration in his voice growing again.

"Well, you certainly couldn't tell by the way you act. How hard is it to remember to do one thing on your way home? Can you tell me that?"

"I'll do it tomorrow," he assured her.

"If you forget again, I'm putting you in time out," she said with all seriousness.

He just shook his head. "Time out. Oooo! Not time out!" he said to himself without looking up.

She had to be joking, right? They'd slept in separate beds for nearly five years now so what in the...heck...was that even supposed to mean? She'd been withholding affection for even longer so there wasn't much left for her to do that would really matter to him other than trying to take the kids. Then again, two of them were already grown so that just left Mandy, their 16-year old daughter, and as petty and cold as his wife could be, she'd never do that. Would she?

He thought about telling her he'd just sold a another fifty-thousand dollars in advertising that day pushing his yearly total to well over $1.5 million, but why bother? If being a caring, loving husband, a devoted father, and a great provider hadn't mattered all these years, how would some recent accomplishment mean anything to her?

As he sat there running all through his mind for the umpteenth time, he knew there were still times when he thought about her—the one who got away. He hated himself for doing it, but deep down he knew he was in love with her; with this other woman.

He'd never acted on his feelings. He'd never even told her how he felt. The relationship, such as it was, consisted of the occasional talks with her, the stolen smiles, and mostly, singing together with her.

They'd both been married when he met her and he still was when she'd gotten divorced. They reconnected during the time she was single and had gotten perhaps overly familiar in emails, but it had never gone beyond that. A couple of years later, she'd remarried and they'd lost touch.

Reid Wilson was now 53 and the woman he loved, Jessie Lerner, had just turned 39. She'd found someone new when she 37 and here he was still trapped—hopelessly trapped—in a sexless marriage, something he could have never imagined 25 years ago when he'd met and married his wife, Reina Clark. Now, two and a half decades and three children later, work and his kids were all he had. Well, except for the memories of Jessie. And at a time like this they still had the power to comfort him.

Reina taught elementary school and had the most annoying propensity to talk to her husband like he was one of her children. He was pretty sure she had no idea she was even doing it, but she did it nonetheless. As bad as that was, he approached communicating with people in an almost totally opposite manner. Like most men, he was a linear thinker. He went from point A to point B to solution while Reina babbled on and on, endlessly voicing her complaints yet utterly uninterested in solving them. He'd long ago given up on trying because he knew just talking about them was her bottom line and unless he could solve the problem, it seemed like a waste of time to just keep hashing it over and over and over again.

The truth was, it had gotten much worse the last few years, and although the communication issue was huge, there was so much more that had pushed them into separate bedrooms. When it came to intimacy, Reid was a typical man. Once a day would have been ideal, but he'd have gladly settled for once a week and been happy with that were sex the only issue.

Reina was more than satisfied with once a month and always had been. She'd been a bit more giving when they were first married and wanted children, but even then it was often like pulling teeth to get her to make love with him. As other issues collided with the already large disparity over sexual frequency, Reid put lovemaking into the 'too hard to do' category and stopped trying.

Talking, back when they tried to talk, hadn't solved anything so they even agreed to try therapy for a while. Unfortunately, that proved to be as frustrating as the relationship itself as Reina dominated the entire session rehashing the same things Reid had heard a thousand times before. After that, they just drifted further apart with the kids being the only thing they really had in common. Sure, they still went to church together and no one who knew them would suspect anything was wrong. They sat together and sang together in the pews, but the marriage was empty. It was hollow. It was cold and unfulfilling.

Jessie, on the other hand, had always been warm and friendly and caring. They'd met at church when Reid was singing and needed someone to accompany him. Jessie was an excellent piano player and had happily volunteered when asked. They'd hit it off immediately and Reid knew the attraction was more than just the music although it was music that had brought them together.

Jessie was about 5'9" tall and had a runner's build. She wasn't flat as a board, but she was rather light 'upstairs' and Reid had to admit that was something he found very attractive and even sexy. Most guys seemed to like the large, natural boobs that could easily fill a C-cup bra, but he was happily in the minority that liked them smaller and Jessie's were definitely small. He didn't know for several years she regularly wore a padded bra and also added additional padding in the form of small silicon inserts that were subtle but took her from a natural A cup to a small B.

Beyond her boobs and her lithe build, she wore her hair brown hair short and bleached it blonde. Reid didn't care how she wore her hair or whether or not she colored it. He just knew she was cute as hell and the fact that short hair worked for her was an added bonus.

As far as the way she dressed, she always appeared to be rather modest at church wearing dresses or skirts that fell to within one inch above the knee. Otherwise she tended to wear slightly more revealing clothing that hugged her tomboyish figure and often exposed a little skin. In a word, she was hot and Reid had liked her both physically and emotionally from the moment they met.

Based on the way she talked to him, he couldn't help but think there was something mutual going on in terms of her feelings. Her smile was amazing and it was virtually always on anytime they were together. She was cheerful, happy, and often even playful with him, and for a guy who lived in a desert of intimacy, it was truly a godsend to him.

For his part, Reid was a big man. He was a whopping 6' 6" tall and weighed around 250 pounds. He didn't obsess about it, but he knew he could easily stand to lose maybe 20 or maybe even 30 of those pounds, but Jessie had told him more than once he looked good to her. She hadn't been hitting on him, it had just come out as part of the conversation.

They were practicing together one day and somehow the topic of boobs came up and Jessie had said something to the effect that she'd been left wanting in that department. Reid knew better than to flirt with her even though the topic gave him the perfect opportunity to do so. He'd just told her she looked great and assured her she didn't need to change a thing. "Unlike me," he said patting his ample stomach.

Jessie laughed and said, "You're a big guy, Reid. And for the record, you look really good to me, and I'm sure your wife feels the same way. Besides, you're such a nice guy it wouldn't matter even if that was an issue. But trust me, it isn't."

Reid knew it was true men and women could obsess on body issues. Men fretted about losing their hair or getting fat while women worried about...everything. Reid still had a thick, full head of hair so that wasn't a concern and he thought he really did carry his weight pretty well for a guy his size. He could only hope Jessie believed him when he told her she was perfect in his eyes.

Her smile and the way she'd said it to him told him she not only didn't see that little bit of extra weight as a problem, it led him to believe there might be a kind of mutual attraction going on. Nothing more was said about body image or insecurities, but both went away feeling better about themselves knowing someone else thought they were perfect just the way they were.

The only other thing that ever came up with a hint of a sexual flavor to it was during one of the first times they performed together. Reid was rehearsing a song and as got to the most dramatic part, Jessie stopped playing. "What? Was I off key or something?" he asked. "Why did you stop playing?"

She just stared at him and said, "You're voice is just...beautiful, Reid." She smiled then said, "It's...orgasmic!"

He was too old and too experienced to blush, but he wasn't too old to feel the kind of stirring he felt nearly every time he was around her. By this time, he'd already developed a kind of crush on her and found himself looking forward to any and every opportunity he could find to talk to her or just be near her.

He'd even started sitting in a different place in the congregation just so he could see her. In spite of his schoolboy crush, he never once mentioned it to Jessie nor did he act on it. He didn't know exactly what feelings she had for him, but whatever they were, they'd never led to anything inappropriate.

Jessie also attended church with her first husband, Geoff, and Reid had no idea they were also having problems. They kept their personal problems personal and everyone, to include Reid, had been shocked when they learned the couple was separating.

Geoff moved out and Jessie and their three young children stayed in their modest Salt Lake City home. Money became an ever-present issue as it often did after divorce, yet Jessie had managed to train as EMT and was hired almost immediately. She loved the concept of helping people, but when it came to actually seeing them—hurt and bleeding and occasionally dying, she couldn't take it. Jessie wore her heart on her sleeve and the sight of anyone—but especially a child—in pain, tore her up inside. Unable to even sleep after a particularly traumatic event, she'd had to quit the decent-paying job and take something that paid very little, but which had virtually no stress. Ironically, she'd become an assistant manager at a local Starbucks selling coffee to people she presumed didn't share her faith.

Their friendship continued throughout the separation and divorce and the playful banter had grown but still never gotten out of hand. She was now a kind of surrogate, asexual wife for Reid who essentially lived for the moments he shared with the women he secretly loved. He hated himself for feeling that way, but he couldn't turn those feelings off so he quit trying and instead learned to compartmentalized them. No matter how much he wanted more from their relationship, he only allowed himself to open that part of his mind when he was with her. When she left, it closed.

As shocked as he'd been when Jessie told him she was leaving her husband, the shock was even worse, but nothing compared to the pain, of her telling him she was dating someone else. This 'someone else' was also a member of their church but attended a different congregation or 'ward' in Mormon-speak.

Reid watched her slowly slip away as the relationship grew more serious. Several months later, Jessie had accepted this new man's proposal, someone he knew only as Mike, and two months later they'd gotten married.

Jessie stopped attending Reid's ward and he soon lost touch with her altogether. No one but him knew of the devastating feelings of loneliness and despair he felt day after day now that she was no longer a part of his life. There was no more singing together, no more quick chats in the church foyer, no smiles, and no contact of any kind. It was almost as though someone he dearly loved had suddenly died leaving him to learn how to live his life without them.

Her marriage to Mike had been just over a year ago and although he still pined for her, he really was trying to learn to live without her. In fact, he'd finally gotten up the courage (or perhaps hit rock bottom left him no alternative) to tell Reina he wanted a divorce. He was surprised at her level of surprise when he'd told her as though this was out of the blue. Then again, his faith believed marriage lasted forever and is essential to reaching the highest kingdom of heaven, so divorce was a very serious issue affecting not just Reid, but his wife of 25 years, as well. And that was separate from the toll it took on their wonderful children whom they both loved with all their hearts.

They continued living together for a time as they filed the paperwork knowing Reid would have to move out soon and establish a separate residence. In fact, he took a rare day off work to do some apartment hunting and during a break for lunch he was looking through the various apps on his phone when he decided to open up Facebook on the chance one of his kids had posted something.

He saw a '1' under friend requests and sat there wondering who this might be. He almost put off opening it as he was supposed to meet the property manager at another complex in ten minutes. Curiosity got the best of him however, and he clicked on it.

When he did, his heart skipped a beat before it began racing. It was from Jessie. He hit 'accept' and went immediately to her home page. As he scrolled through her posts he stopped and read one that sent chills through him. "I've already told most of you, but Mike and I have separated. I've filed for divorce. More to follow." Then he saw one right after that made him feel sick. "For the record, I hate men. All of them!"

He closed the app, threw his paper plate in the trash, and left. He did his best to concentrate as the property manager showed him around the small, two-bedroom apartment he'd need in order for his daughter to stay with him on his weekends, but he just couldn't focus. From what he did see, it was decent enough and close to his current home and job so he signed a lease anyway.

So as far as getting his own place went that was that. But he couldn't think about anything else but Jessie and how for the first time, in the near future, both of them would single at the same time.

When he got home, Reina was still at work and Mandy was still at school. He opened his laptop and then Facebook and once again found Jessie's homepage. He read through every post for as far back as it went, absorbing every detail and looking for clues about her and more importantly the "I hate men" comment. Finding nothing, he decided to send her a message.

There was so much he wanted to say, but he wasn't about to hit her with a shotgun blast of pent-up feelings. Instead he wrote: "Jessie. Hi! You can't imagine how happy I was to get your friend request! I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning waiting to open presents. It was SO good to hear from you. This may come as a shock, but Reina and I are separating and I'm moving into my own place later this week. I read through your recent posts and noticed you and Mike are also separated. Ours was long overdue. I just couldn't get up the nerve to leave. Sometimes necessity really is the mother of invention, right? At any rate, I'm sorry to learn things didn't work out for us or you two, but I'm thrilled to back in touch. I hope to hear from you soon and that you're doing well. Reid."

Satisfied that was about all he could reasonably say at this point, he hit 'send', closed the laptop and waited. While he did, he called a rental company and reserved a truck for two days hence and paid for a bunch of boxes and packing paper so he could finally move out this coming weekend. He'd hated giving up, but the thought of living there any longer was untenable. It was time and he knew it.

The worst part of it all was telling his children. The two older ones expressed concern but told him they still loved them both. His youngest daughter hadn't taken the news so well. She'd cried when he set her down and explained he'd be moving out. She was 16 and outgoing, but she'd always been a daddy's girl and the thought of her father not being there each night was devastating. He assured her he loved her and that this had nothing to do with her. He also let her know he'd be staying in Salt Lake City and that he'd found a place close by so she could visit as often as she liked. Now that she could drive, she could stop by anytime and he assured her he wanted her to do just that as often as possible.

Things were still strained between them, but Mandy was strong and resilient, and she was adapting to her new reality as well as he could have hoped. He and Reina had agreed to keep things amicable and so far, they'd done that. There'd been no arguing in front of Mandy, they'd readily agreed on who got what, and they even had a tentative agreement on finances in place and that was about as much as he could hope for at this point.

That evening after dinner he opened his laptop again and to his great delight, there was a response from Jessie. His heart was pounding as he clicked on it before reading:

"Hi handsome! Long time no 'see!'

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your marriage! Sometimes it's for the best. Sometimes it's the only option. Mike turned about to be this unbelievably jealous and controlling—jerk. I'd use a stronger word, but 'jerk' gets the idea across well enough. I won't bore you with the details, but it got so bad I had to get a restraining order. Don't worry, he's never hit me or the kids. He's just the most manipulating, controlling bas....man...I've ever met. I'm soon to be a two-time loser so while you're sad about having to end your marriage, it looks like I've got you beat in that department! Ha-ha, right?