Waiting in my apartment for a woman I invited for lunch, all along I felt the idea of having her over was a big mistake only because she was one of the team's lacrosse moms. Why I felt it was a mistake was because as captain of the club lacrosse team I'm responsible for setting an example for the rest.
The truth was it was an innocent invitation. All I was trying to be was responsible and thank the woman for all of her support. Among all the moms, she was the most supportive.
In addition to that, I'm the oldest on the team. Everyone looks up to me I think although they know about my dating habits and rumored love life. To set the record straight, I'm not a huge party animal. It isn't saying I don't go out and have a great time. I meet women my age and we go clubbing and other personal things together. Just ask my neighbor Sheila; she knows the truth about my partying ways. She knows me very well.
Anyways I felt I owed this woman who was coming over for lunch. I had my reasons and could have sent her flowers and said thank you, leaving it at that. However, this woman was so much different. She was very nice every time we came in touch with one another. When we spoke on those occasions she couldn't have been any more sympathetic and understanding then my own mom. She offered me an abundance of support.
Seeing as I was a transplant from a small town in Illinois, my family was hundreds of miles away. I had to fend for myself. I was on scholarship at a local university until my second year in which they dropped the sport and I lost my scholarship. I couldn't afford school at that point but fortunately a club soccer league started up. Several of those kids, including me joined up and we received a stipend allowing us to continue our studies and pay our rent along with groceries. It worked out for most of us.
Getting back to the woman; each time we ran into one another we talked and I liked her more and more each time. She helped me understand things. But why I invited her for lunch to thank her I never quite understood. Thinking about the idea when I saw her smiling cheery face, it always seemed like an innocent idea. It really did.
Later on when we talked she thought the same thing as me saying it was an innocent idea. She was being polite and graciously accepted my offer to have lunch even if it was at my apartment and not at an local café. She told me she wasn't comfortable with having lunch at my apartment but said yes anyways. In hindsight I questioned why I did it.
Moving forward, I have an online journal where I keep ideas and thoughts that pop up. I never shut it down. It's always open. I don't have to go through a sign in process. I use it a lot documenting thoughts, ideas about certain plays in lacrosse.
Once in a great, great while I'll have feelings about someone I know personally. I'll write shit that crosses my mind, but usually most of those thoughts or feelings I delete before I post it.
Rarely will I keep anything I write personally in my journal. This woman, though she was as sweet as syrup, and nice as a butterfly, I didn't find her attractive the way I find Sheila attractive or many other girls I meet at the clubs.
Still, I wrote my thoughts and feelings about her in it. She's an average homemaker. She was what I considered a middle aged woman. She was nice. She was a pretty woman who I felt had positive attributes which could enlighten me about life. That was it. I wasn't seeking a one time romance, a roll in the hay, a quick bang for my buck, or anything like that.
I liked her for her. I liked how she treated me as if I was a grown up. I know I'm an adult now at 21, but she and I didn't have anything in common. She's my mom's age. They could have gone to high school together I think seeing as they were so close in age. They shared the same viewpoints, fashionable styles, and haircuts too. She was happy to offer support, congratulate us when we won games, and sympathize when we didn't.
She and others came up to us, said they felt bad, hugged us, talked to us as if we were their own kid, and invited us to dinner. Although I normally turned an offer down, funny thing was, I'd run into her often and we'd talk on the side. She was always friendly.
I liked her because she treated me as an equal. It did not matter to me that her son and I played together. It did not matter to me she was a plus size or chubby woman. She wasn't a buffalo, size wise. She was simply a chubby woman who wasn't huge with attractive features. I don't know what size she was but it didn't matter either. Repeatedly I reinforced the fact I liked her for her. Size didn't matter to me I felt. I really didn't care either.
We could talk, share ideas, and get to know one another. There wasn't anything else to the lunch date. There wasn't any romantic connection I thought and that was that.
Then I heard it. I heard the knock on my door. All of a sudden I was excited as hell and my body acted as if I was meeting a girl I liked for the first time. I began to behave as if I'd never met the girl before. I think I was aroused by the situation a little. It was like a first time date for me. It was so weird. It was odd having this woman, who was my teammate's mom, come to my place.
I kept repeating to myself "This is only a lunch and nothing else." I wanted to believe that 100%. Why I let myself believe anything else I don't know. I was being naïve.
Her name is Jayne Perkins. Her husband is Ryan Perkins, a city councilman, and local proprietor. From what I know he's a great guy. He too is a part owner of our lacrosse team. He's well liked and respected in town. So is Jayne.
I was nervous. I let it show. She was nervous but I didn't see it. She was sweet as usual. She was nice, but something was different. I didn't know what it was, but something was very different about her.
She walked about my apartment, complimenting how neat it was. I laughed to myself because it's never neat. Sheila from across the hall came over knowing I was having someone over, helped me clean it. I wonder if she would have helped me out knowing it was the councilman's wife. I wonder if she would have done it knowing the woman was my mom's age.
Nevertheless, standing near my computer, Jayne bumped into it by accident and my journal appeared. Innocently, she began to read the contents. She saw my ideas about lacrosse and plays I thought up. Then she saw that link to my private portion of my journal. Without me seeing her, she clicked on it and read my personal thoughts.
She read how I said I liked her. She read how I thought she was sweet, nice, and different. She read where I wrote it didn't matter what she looked like; I thought she was pretty and didn't care if she saw what I read. That wasn't true. I did care; I just didn't erase that portion. I don't know why I wrote it, but she read it.
I even went as far as writing how I bet she's a good lover. Then I wrote a note to myself in the journal to delete that thought out. I knew I shouldn't have written it in the first place. I could have gone back in and deleted the idea right away, however I didn't. In fact I don't have a clue why I wrote any of those thoughts. I was just writing things I wondered about.
I even wrote about her body. I wondered if she had big thighs. If they were big, were they sexy ones? I went even as far as writing about her boob size and if she had nice tits for that matter. Then I saved it all into my journal.
I wrote one last note indicating I needed to go back in and delete that shit out because I felt guilty and weird thinking those thoughts of a woman I respected. I liked her but not in a sexual manner. I didn't think I did. I just wondered if I felt that way.
