It wasn't right what I did. I still feel guilty about it 30 years later. How could I have been such an asshole? I need to write the story down just to get it out of my head so I can fucking sleep at night. Here you go.
The Carlsons were a Godsend to me. They lived a couple of houses up the street. Samantha was almost literally the girl next door. Her twin brother, Jacob, was one of my best friends. To be honest, he was just about my only friend.
My homelife was pretty fucked up. I'm not going to bore you with the details. The last time I told my story, I was at one of those group therapy thingees. The truth is, it wasn't
that
bad. My parents didn't hit me or anything like that. It's not what you're thinkingâI fucking guarantee that.
Okay. Let me give you an inkling since you're so fucking curious. Here's a little tease of my homelife: if you asked me, I couldn't tell you whether or not my parents were actually married or not. They had been married at one timeâthat was for sure. But were they married when I was in high school? No idea. I think they got divorced somewhere in the time between when I was thirteen and eighteen. But it didn't matter because they still lived together. They still slept in the same bed. But their actual, honest-to-God, legal relationship? No fucking clue. Further, affiant sayeth not.
During high school, I spent a lot of time in my room and a lot of time over at Jake's. I didn't need to study much; I've never needed to study much. I can't remember a time when I wasn't about the smartest kid in my class. So what? It turns out that you can be really smart and still have a miserable, lonely, life.
Now I'm going to tell you about Jake and his familyâthe family that became my surrogate family for most of high school. The Carlsons.
Jake's dad was a VP at IBM when it was not a great time to be a VP at IBM because Microsoft was kicking their fucking ass and eating their lunch in the nascent tech marketplace. IBM was fast becoming a joke and everybody knew it. Jake's dadâwhose name was Johnâwas a tall, heavy, guy quickly going bald. He drove a Corvette and he had a badass stereo system in the living room. He was a large man, a former college football player twenty-five or so years before. He was pale, though I couldn't tell you if his skin color came from being in the office all the time or because he was born and raised in the Midwest. He had a nice house with a nice pool; he had a sportscar; he had a beautiful wife and two children. He was fucking living the American dreamâand I think he knew it. But like many Americans in the 80's, his dream was on borrowed time. It wasn't going to last much longer.
SamanthaâJake's twin sisterâwas A Problem for me. Most every guy in high school wanted her, but she wasn't doing much of the dating thing. I couldn't tell you why. It wasâand still isâa fucking mystery why somebody like her didn't have a serious boyfriend. I would have been her boyfriend but we weren't even close to being compatible. Not that I realized the situation at the time. I kept flirting with her every time I saw her, but she was Just Not Interested. I was so desperate to be with her that I kept trying despite receiving clear and consistent "not interested." Let's say I got an "A" for effort but a "D Minus" for actual results.
Jake was on the high school football team. He wasn't particularly good, but that didn't matter all that much because he was On the Team. I didn't play football. I didn't play shit. I was a fucking nerd and I still am a nerd. Nerds may be cool now but they most certainly were not cool at that time. Still, Jake tolerated me. We were friends and had been for years. He let me come over and hang out. We played CDs and talked about music as if that was An Important Topic of Conversation. Looking back, we didn't know shit about musicâbut we enjoyed listening to rock and the stuff that suburban white teens listened to at that time. I recall that Guns 'N' Roses were big for us, though we never made it to a concert.
Jake's parents were cool to me. I don't know why. Maybe they knew my family situation and took pity on me. Maybe I played a role in their own family dynamicsâlike the graphite rods that damp down nuclear fission reactions before they get out of control. I have no idea why they let me come over three or four times a week (after dinner), hang out with them, and watch TV with them in their TV room. It was a regular thing throughout most of high school: Jake and Samantha sat on the sofa next to their mom. Jake's dad sat on a chair, a beer in his hand. I sat on the floor, my back against the sofa. That was the scene, three or four times a week.
I have no idea why they let me come over and swim in their pool almost every weekend. I Do Not Know and it drives me crazy when I think about it. How could one family graciously open their home to a teenagerâone who was so obviously smitten with their daughter? I have wondered about that mystery for 30 years, without finding any answers.
Anyway, Jake was chill and friendly, even though he was on the football team; Samantha was hot but Not Availableâa constant source of sexual tension (which was 100% one-sided). DadâJohnâwas a VP at a quickly declining company but he had a cool Corvette.
And mom? What about Kanani? Yeah. That's what the rest of this little confession is about.
*****
Kanani and John, Jake and Samantha's parents. There was a story there and I'm not sure I ever knew the entire thing.
Kanani was Hawaiian. Literally born and raised on one of the islands. She looked like it: skin the color between brown and gold, raven black hair that fell to her shoulders. Large dark eyesâirises colored somewhere between warm brown and chocolate black. Full red lips. She was about five foot six or seven and, despite having twins, she was slender. Legs that went on for miles. Almost willowy, I would say now, looking back on my memory's picture of her. Smallish breasts but not too small. Proportional, I would say. She moved smoothly: she looked as if she could break into a Hula dance at any minute.
Somewhere back in the dawn of time, John and Kanani had met. Did they meet in Hawaii or at college, or where? I never knew. But they met. From what I gathered, Kanani had at least two serious boyfriends before John came along and wooed her away. I need to be clear: she was seeing at least two guys
at the same time
before she met John. There was some kind of competition between the (at least) three guys. John won. His prize: Kanani.
The description seems accurate. Looking back, I believe she was a trophy wifeâonly, unlike most trophy wives, she was John's first wife. I'm thinking he found his trophy wife and claimed her when he first saw her. He was not a dumb man by any means. He was well-off, successful, and he took care of his family. He probably seemed to be a good catch to a young woman looking for security.
But I also know now that Kanani wasn't happy with her marriage. There were signsâsigns that I mostly missed because I was a stupid high school nerd who sat on the floor in somebody else's house, my attention focused on "Friends" and "Seinfeld" instead of watching the people around me.
My Emotional IQ in high school was measured in negative numbers.
There were signs of problems, even if they never really registered with me. For instance, John sat in a chair separated from the rest of his family. For instance, they let me hang out with them, made me a part of their family. I think me being there gave John and Kanani an excuse for not showing overt affection to each other. Another for instance: Kanani's dark eyes could flash with angerâand they did sometimes, when she looked at her husband. To the best of my memory, I never saw her eyes flash with love or affection when she looked at him.
For the final piece of evidenceâPeople's Exhibit Four, Your Honor, May It Please the Court: Bates Numbers A-0103 through A-0113âthey told their kids they were getting a divorce literally on the day their children graduated from high school. I shit you not. They were all at the graduation togetherâapparently a proud, loving family. Then they came home and made The Big Announcement. Their family shattered into pieces after that: the kids both went off to college and the parents split. The house was sold well before the end of the kids' first semester at UCLA.
So, take my word for it when I say that Kanani was done with being John's trophy wife.
What happened? I have no clue. I can tell you John was getting old and fat. The football player physique was slipping away quickly, much like the position of IBM as a leader in the tech industry. And that Corvette? You
know
he had to be compensating for something else, something he no longer had. He was a middle-aged former college football player starting to see the end of his career and his family and, inevitably, his life. Yet he didn't seem upset or miserable. He seemed to be in good spirits whenever we spoke. I wonder now if he had some side-action going on? I wouldn't be surprised.
As the three kids entered their final year of high school, Kanani studied, took a test, and became a realtor. I don't know if she was a
successful