It had been a couple days since their big fight. Julie walked around the apartment in a daze, listening to the message Steve had left on the answering machine for the hundredth time. Her only solace came from the face that the fight had happened on the weekend. She didn't feel like going to class. Hell, she didn't feel like leaving the apartment - even though everything there seemed to remind her of Steve in some subtle way or another.
Julie had felt so alone the past couple days, bursting into tears every so often. Her usually bright green eyes were constantly red-rimmed and swollen. She still wore the same blouse and skirt she had put on the night he left. She still couldn't believe what had happened. She had told him that she loved him and he broke her heart. He used her body and then plainly told her that he didn't love her. She had showered in a feeble attempt to feel clean and dressed in a plain blouse and skirt she had never worn for him, unable to feel comfortable even in her pajamas.
The hours passed, but the pain didn't. She found herself wanting to drive up to Steve's apartment several times a day. This afternoon, she couldn't stop herself.
She parked out front and slowly got out of the car. She walked up to the building and let herself in using the key Steve had given her, not entirely certain of what she was doing. Before she realized it, she was there. Taking a deep breath, she knocked gently and waited for Steve to answer.
The sound of someone at his door jerked Steve out of his trance. He hadn't slept much since he'd left the apartment he was just beginning to share with Julie. No matter what he did, he couldn't stop thinking about her. He couldn't get it out of his head that maybe if he could just pick up the phone and tell her what she wanted to hear, everything would somehow be right. But, he couldn't lie to her. He had been divorced for three years, but his heart still belonged to his ex-wife.
So, he had settled for sitting in his sparsely furnished apartment, flipping through the channels. At least, he had bee flipping through the channels until about an hour ago. Now, he sat looking at "snow." He had called last week to have the cable turned off in anticipation of moving in with Julie. Almost everything he owned was in a box or at Julie's apartment.
And now he had to deal with someone knocking at his door. Steve guessed it was probably the landlord, wondering when Steve would be out. It seemed that there was already someone waiting to move in.
"Damn it! Leave me alone, already! I'll let you know when I'm ready. I paid you, didn't I?" Steve grumbled as he rose and went to the door.
Opening it to yell some more, Steve was stunned to find Julie there instead. He opened the door slowly, and Julie saw that he looked just as bad as she felt. At least she was dressed. He was still wearing his robe. He hadn't shaved for a couple of days and his hair was a mess.
"Julie?"
She gave him a watery smile and sniffled a little as she shifted from one foot to the other. When she spoke, her voice was soft and weak.
"Hi. Can ... can I come in for a minute?" She lifted her red-rimmed, tear filled eyes to his and tried to keep her bottom from quivering. She waited for what seemed an eternity for him to either send her away or invite her inside.
"Julie..." His voice caught in his throat. He didn't know what to say to her. She looked horrible but amazing at the same time. Guilt almost overwhelmed as he forced himself to accept the fact that he was the one responsible for making her feel and look that way. He nodded mutely and stepped aside, motioning her in and closing the door behind them.
Julie stepped inside and walked to the middle of the living room. Boxes and crates were everywhere, still packed and ready for the move. She took another deep breath to steady herself and tugged at her blouse and skirt, both wrinkled from two days of wear. It wasn't until now that she realized she had neglected to change clothes since the night Steve left. Thinking on it now, she wasn't even sure she had eaten.
"I ...," she cleared her throat, searching for a place to begin. "I've been thinking about you a lot the past couple of days."
Steve nodded, not sure how to respond. He motioned to the sofa and sat on a box across the room in an attempt to give her space.
"I have, too. I ...," he began before shaking his head and motioning for her to go on. "I'm sorry. Continue, please."
Julie sat down on the edge of the sofa and immediately stood again, pacing back and forth. Steve stood with her and watched helplessly as she twisted her hand nervously in front of her as the words began to flow.
"I ... I know you don't love me, Steve, but I. I've been so lonely and lost without you. I don't know what to do with myself," she told him as tears streamed unheeded down her cheeks. "I can't think. I can't sleep. Hell, I don't even know if I've eaten in two days! I can't take this any more.
"I know," she continued, taking a deep breath and swiping at the tears as hiccupping sobs shook her chest and shoulders. "I know you don't feel the same way, but I need you back, Steve. I can't seem to live without you."
Having stood by silently, listening patiently as Julie bared her soul, Steve felt more powerless than ever. He wanted to go to her, to make it all go away. As Julie's sobbing overcame her, Steve sat and put his head in his hands, crumbling visibly.
"Julie, I ... I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear that," he said, looking up at her. "I feel the same way. I'm just not the same without you. But, I don't want you to have to settle. You deserve more than I can give you. I want so badly to tell you that I ... I ...," he couldn't look her in the eye any more and put his face back in his hands. "I just can't. But I can't live without you, either. What do we do?"
He stood and paced, speaking once again, "Do we try living as just friends? I do love you that way. I've loved you that way for years, you know that. But, I know that's not enough for you."
Julie sniffled and let out a sound that was half sob and half laugh. Moving toward Steve, she dropped to her knees in front of him and took his hands in hers.
"Steve, I need you. I need you to be there when I come home every night and in my bed when I wake up every morning. I don't care that you don't love me the way I love you. You love me in a way, and maybe someday ... someday everything will be as I've always dreamed."
"And if it's not?" Steve countered. "If I never do?"
She sniffled again and gave her shoulders a slight shrug. "Then I will be content just to be with you."
"Julie, I've been in one-sided relationship. You don't understand what it is you're agreeing to live with."
