Life was beginning to return to normal after lockdown and this meant that live music was finally back on the agenda. My friend Gaz and I had our eye on several gigs, one of which was in Bristol, a three-hour drive for us.
I took care of the tickets, Gaz took care of a hotel. Neither of us knew the city and as the gig was a Saturday night we decided to take the chance to have a few beers and a wander round a new place the day after.
The day of the gig came and, due to Gaz recovering from a broken foot he sustained six weeks before, I was driving. On the way, we did the usual "covid chat" about how mad it had all been and how nice it was that things were hopefully getting back to normal. Everything was going well until we turned up at "The Grande" hotel.
The faΓ§ade had seen better days and I got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was going to be a night that ended with not much sleep.
"Mate, you are 39 and earn decent money. Why have you booked us into this shithole?" I asked.
"Well, John, I thought we could recapture our youth! Do it on the cheap."
"You tight bastard."
Gaz chuckled as we made our way up the steps to the front door. We wandered in and were hit with what might be described in some circles as "shabby-chic". The Grande, however, was lacking in chic. The girl on the reception desk was wholly uninterested as we checked in and handed us a key to room twelve.
We found our way upstairs and opened the door. I dreaded the worst. I'm not fussy when it comes to hotels. I use them purely for sleep and as long as they are clean then I'm happy. The room WAS clean.
It was also a double.
"Fucks sake" we uttered in unison.
Gaz went down to the desk to sort it out while I sat on the bed and felt all miserable. Five minutes later, he was back.
"Good news and bad news, mate. What do you want first?"
"The bad."
"No other rooms."
"What a surprise. Go on then, what's the good news?"
"Well, we're top and tailing I guess and to the best of my knowledge, my feet don't smell!"
"Oh yeah? Mine fucking reek!"
We looked at each other for a moment before laughing our heads off. Fuck it, it was one night, the band would be great and we would have a good time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The band were indeed great and Bristol had no end of decent pubs for us to explore. Gaz is a notorious lightweight and soon enough, he was drunk. I knew I had a long drive the next day, so my ratio of two soft drinks to one pint seemed sensible, even if my companion was calling me a pussy for it. I decided what Gaz needed was something to soak up the booze so we tried to find somewhere to eat. Most of the restaurants were closing their doors for the evening, but we found one Indian establishment that let us in, despite Gaz's inebriated state. I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to hot food so had a chicken korma, while the drunkard ordered a Prawn Phall, despite my warnings. Fair play to the lad, he polished it off and we were soon on our way back to "The Grande".
Gaz collapsed on the bed, still clothed, farted once and fell asleep, all within a minute of us being in the room. I got changed and got into the tiny bit of the bed not taken up by my friend. Being a big fellow, this was no fun. No disguising it, I'm a fat bloke and got the feeling this would be a long night.
It would be, just not how I expected it to be.
Just as I was dropping off, Gaz stirred and made his way to the bathroom, where he was violently sick. This happened twice more before I gave up. I remembered seeing a lounge downstairs with a tatty old sofa. Perhaps I could get at least a couple of hours sleep on that. I dressed and checked on Gaz. He would be ok. I made my way down to the lounge.
I checked my phone before I entered. Half past midnight. I entered the lounge and, to my dismay, the sofa was occupied. A large woman who I guessed was in her late sixties with long grey hair was sat in the middle seat, illuminated by a lamp on a side table nearby. She looked up at me and then back at the book in her hand.
"Hello" I said. "I'm surprised to find anyone here."
"I live here" she replied without looking up.
"Oh, you're the owner."
"Yes, that is why I live here. Why are you down here? Is your room uncomfortable?"
"It is. My friend is currently sleeping off a skinfull"
She chuckled and finally looked at me. "So you weren't getting any sleep and thought you would sleep down here?"
"Unless you have another room I could use, yes."
"Sorry, no vacancies" She replied.
"Well, I guess an armchair will do." I said, settling into one and closing my eyes.
A few minutes of silence passed and I could feel myself drifting off before the prospect of sleep was snatched away from me again.
"I'm Margaret."
I opened my eyes to see had put her book down and was looking at me. "John," I replied. "Nice to meet you."
"Would you like a coffee, John?"
"Coffee won't help with sleeping," I chuckled. "I'm fine thanks."