This is a story about a married woman whose online relationship with a man other than her husband intensifies. If you don't like stories about married women engaging in online affairs then you probably shouldn't read this. If you do read it, you've been warned.
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The days following my online experience with Kyle were psychologically trying and I wondered again and again why I had sexually and emotionally opened myself up to this stranger. It was so unlike me to act this way and part of me hated how needy and vulnerable I was that day. I tried to convince myself that it was online play acting that amounted to nothing. He'd neither seen nor touched me and I was sure that he had lied about everything he told me, so that he could get himself off while talking to me. It was a game that I had taken too much to heart and I shouldn't worry about it.
I didn't believe any of these things, though. My short cyber chat with Kyle was one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life and it had stirred up something in me that I didn't know existed. After our tryst I felt guilty and ashamed but also sexually primed like rarely before. My body was awash in near primal sexuality and my mind was weighed with shame. This dualist conflict played havoc with my psyche and made me determined to fight my sexual desires and stay away from online chatting. I wanted to forget Kyle and the way he made me feel. I needed to resume my normal life and never open myself up to anyone sexually again, except my husband. I was a wife and mother and I promised myself that I would start acting like a decent woman and not a common trollop.
This declaration lasted for four days. I'm embarrassed to say that I gave in so quickly but in retrospect I am surprised that I lasted so long. The intense guilt that I felt that first day subsided quicker than I thought it would and I soon pushed the residual shame away so that I barely noticed it.
The day of and the day after my initial cyber meeting with Kyle I swore I would never think or do anything like that again. Two days after I began to rationalize my actions and tell myself that what I did was innocent and it wasn't really sexual just online play acting. Three days later, I began to think of how angry I was at my husband for ignoring me sexually. How a stranger made me feel sexier and more alive than my own husband. How unappreciated and unloved I felt.
During all of this time my mind and body were even conspiring against me while I slept. My nights were filled with intensely erotic dreams in which I became both an enlightened temptress and a submissive and needy woman willing to sexually debase herself for pleasure. The dreams always featured a shadowy stranger whose face I never saw but whose very presence filled me with yearning. Time and time again the man in the dream would take control of my mind and body and would force me to do things that I seeming did not want to. Secretly, I wanted to perform all the lusty acts he commanded and more, though. My dream self seemingly maintained no limits and was willing to do anything to pleasure the dominant stranger and herself.
In the most memorable of the dreams, the dark stranger makes me slowly strip for him while he watches and stares at my body, in much the same way that Kyle had done during our original meeting. Initially dressed in business attire, I have to painstakingly remove all of my clothing for his enjoyment. First my blouse and then my skirt slowly disappear, leaving me in bra, panties, stockings and heels for him to ogle. The dark man makes me dance suggestively as I peel off my brassiere and underpants and forces me to turn around and display my body while he quietly enjoys the view from the comfort of an oversized chair. The Freudian in me would interpret this as a sign that I need to explore the hidden sexual me underneath the professional woman veneer that I've constructed. My dreaming self was excited beyond belief and willing to do whatever the dark stranger required.
In the dream, after the murky man forces me to exhibit my body for him, he wordlessly carries me to the bed and forcefully takes me sexually. He never speaks to me and seemingly does not care about my feelings, but rather powerfully and coarsely uses my body. His manhood aggressively invades and exploits me for his pleasure. He roughly handles me, pulling my hair, biting my flesh, scratching my skin, and forcing his penis deeper and deeper into me. The more demanding he becomes the more I enjoy it knowing that this stranger knows exactly what I need even when I do not.
I awoke from that dream, and most of the others, sexually excited and needy. My mind and body obviously had not been getting something they needed for a long time and the small taste of pleasure from a few days before had opened a door that could not easily be shut. How had I locked this part of me away for so long and how would I be able to control it now that it wanted so badly to be free?
So, on the fourth day after meeting Kyle, I went back to the chat rooms. I told myself that I wasn't looking for Kyle, but rather I was only hoping to talk to someone about gardening. I was lying to myself and I knew it. Sometimes personal fictions are the only means we have that allow us to do what we desire while retaining our sense of self and sanity.
I signed on to the online provider and went through the motions of finding a gardening chat room. After looking for about three minutes, an instant message popped up in the corner of the screen.
"You left quickly last time. I've been looking for you since then." It was from Kyle and suddenly I couldn't breathe.
As clichéd as it sounds, my heart abruptly started racing and my skin became flush. I was so excited to see him. Memories of how I felt a few days before flooded over me and I was instantaneously aroused and stimulated. Amazingly, chatting with this stranger online triggered feelings and emotions inside of me that had long remained dormant. Logically I knew that this shouldn't be the case. I loved my husband and I knew nothing about this man, but his one message had sent me into a state of joy and arousal that a week ago I would have thought impossible. I needed to get myself under control, though. I needed to act sanely and normally and not like a dog in heat. I was not going to throw myself at this man and I was not going to let him think that I was easy or slutty.
"It got a little too intense for me last time and I decided to leave. I hope I didn't seem rude," I replied after thinking about several options and rereading the final edit three or four times.
"No, I understand. It's easy to get lost in the moment and then feel uncomfortable. I hope you came at least."
"Thanks for understanding," I typed, not willing to let him know how good he had made me feel and how I could still feel the psychic aftershocks of my orgasm from almost a week ago.
"How could I not understand? You're sweet, enticing, and very sexy. I know you've been mistreated and not appreciated and I don't ever want to make you feel bad about yourself. I know last time you came and when the totality of it hit you, you didn't know how to react, so you ran. You don't have to explain it or apologize."
I stared at the screen in disbelief. How did he know all of this? How had he guessed all of these things about me? It felt as if he knew me, as if he understood me, as if he wanted to accept me for who I was, flaws and all.
I read the message again and again and could not find the words to reply. Finally, he typed:
"I like you for you. Never apologize or ever feel bad about who you are. I only want you."
His words were like manna sent to nourish my battered spirit. I knew that he was probably well practiced in online seduction and undoubtedly knew just what to say to vulnerable women, but I didn't care. If him appreciating me this way was an act, then I would play along and if it was real then I would reap the benefits.
Kyle made me feel desirable, sexy, and needed. I hadn't realized until I met him how much I longed to be treated like this. I didn't know it at the time, but in retrospect, this was when I unconsciously but fully began to accept my new reality. I would have denied it at the time but Kyle had completely swept me away and I was starting to follow him wherever he led me. In the moment I thought I was just having a good time but in hindsight it was the beginning of an exciting and dangerous new part of my life.
"Thank you, you're too kind," I managed to type, kicking myself for the genericness of the sentence.
"I'm not kind at all. I just see how striking and desirable you are and I'm not afraid to tell you."
