Hiing with Jillian

Ullswater is the second largest lake in England. It's located at the north end of the Lake District National Park up in Cumbria. It's my favourite place in the world. I love the lakes in general, but Ullswater is the best of them. I'm probably biased by its proximity to my hometown of Penrith and I've spent a lot more time around Ullswater than I have Windermere or Bassenthwaite among so many others but the place is just magic.

I've spent a lot of my life exploring these lakes, and the mountains that hang over them. I've ascended every peak from Scafell Pike to Bowfell and hiked and cycled my way through every bridleway I could find. I feel incredibly lucky to have been born up here, surrounded by the most beautiful nature and wildlife.

And boy did I miss it when I was gone. First it was up to Newcastle for three years at university. I had an incredible time but it wasn't home and I spent so much of my free time working a couple of jobs to save up enough money to travel in the year after my graduation. Then I headed off on those travels and saw so much more of the world. I was still drawn to the lakes and mountains that had helped raise me. The Great Lakes in North America were incredible. I saw Everest from the Nepalese side. It's a lot easier to see it than to climb it I found. God knows why so many people try the latter. I took my camera with me everywhere. Photography was more a passion than a career back then. It's still not a career but perhaps it will be one day.

Eventually I found myself back in England and working in software development in Leeds. I only lasted a year. The city life wasn't working out. I could probably do it with someone but I was single and bored and still questioning what I wanted out of life. So I found a job online as a web developer and used that as the perfect excuse to work from home and make my way back up north. Back home to Penrith. Back to the lakes. Back to Ullswater.

I made the most of that time. I would get the earliest bus each morning from Penrith to Pooley Bridge at the north shore of Ullswater. I would hike around for a few hours and take as many pictures as I could before getting a lunchtime bus back. I would get through my work in the afternoon and early evening before settling in for an early night so I could do it all again the next day. I usually took Saturdays off to watch the football or see friends before making a full day of it on Sundays. It had brought the most simple of joys back to my life and the decision to move back home was the best I had ever made. There were still so many questions about what my life was going to be but I knew it had to include this, or something close to this.

The decision to move back home and hike around Ullswater each day also led me in the direction of a lady named Jillian Saunders. My relationship with Jill is a difficult one to process. I am drawn to her like no one else I have ever met. She's an interesting and thoughtful lady who has been a constant source of friendship and more to me since we met. She's funny, caring and she has a huge heart that is so full of love and appreciation for her family and the life she has lived. Our feelings for each other are mutual and genuine but come with a sting. Jill is a full 50 years older than me.

I suppose I convinced myself early in our friendship that if she was fifty then my developing feelings were nothing to worry about. 24 and 50 isn't implausible. The more I learned about her, the clearer it became that she was a fair bit older than that. It took me a long time to actually ask her age. Perhaps I was trying to avoid reality. 24 and 74 isn't realistic at all. The feelings never waned. They still haven't. My journey with Jill has been the most worthwhile experience of my life. When the sting comes it will hurt but I can have no regrets.

It started on a Monday morning a year back. Across my time hiking the many trails around Ullswater I have bumped into countless others doing the same, and my first meeting with Jillian was no different to the many others. A polite nod and a quick hello as we passed each other. I likely wouldn't have remembered her if I didn't see her the next day in the same pale blue windbreaker. That time she was shuffling across a small crevice in the road.

"Need a hand?" I asked.

"Oh no, don't worry about me sweetheart." she said, stepping onto solid ground and finding her balance. "I've got these. Thank you." She was holding a pair of hiking sticks in both hands, using them to drag her uphill in the opposite direction to me. It was a brief coming together, but she became a more recognisable face after that.

Most days I followed the same route to begin with before diverging deeper into the trail. I would pass these two benches on the shoreline of the lake and started to regularly see Jillian sat on the one on the right. In England there are a smaller percentage of public benches with a sign on them that reads 'HAPPY TO CHAT'. I've seen them in a few different areas. I believe they are an attempt to combat loneliness but in my whole life I have never seen a single person sat on one of them. After a couple of weeks of greetings and good mornings in that very same spot, I noticed Jillian had moved to the bench on the left. This was a happy to chat bench. 'Sit here if you don't mind someone stopping to say hello.'

I almost didn't notice at first, but the sign caught my eye at the last second and stopped me in my tracks. I enjoy the solitude of walking and tend to do it without headphones so I can enjoy the sounds of the natural world. The sound of the wind through the trees, the birds chirping or the light patter of a morning shower. I wasn't really out there looking for friends but I stared right into that sign in front of Jillian and if I had done that and walked off on my own I would have felt dreadfully guilty. So I stopped and planted myself down on the bench next to her. "How's it going?" I asked.

Her smile was warm and her eyes locked on me as I turned to face her. She was wrapped up in the late winter chill, with that same windbreaker I had seen before, a thick bobble hat, leather gloves and a pair of hiking pants. It meant I could only really see her face, and it was unquestionably a very pretty face. "I'm not doing too badly. How about you?"

"I'm pretty good." I answered. "It's cold."

"Very cold."

I suppose small talk wasn't my strong suit but I had made the effort now and didn't want to make a lady seeking conversation wish she hadn't. "It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too. I've seen you around here the last few weeks. Are you new in town?" she asked.

"No but I'm newly back in town. I'm from Penrith. Born and raised until university."

"Oh lovely. I'm from Penrith too but I'm living outside Stainton now. Do you know it?"

"I've never been but I know the name. What is it? A ten minute drive away?"

"Something like that." she said. "It's small but I like it. It's quaint and peaceful."

"Sounds like my kind of place. I see you around most days as well."

"I'm here every single day. This is a beautiful place. We're both very lucky to have been born here. Penrith is nice but this place..." I watched her as she turned back to the water in front of us and took in the view. "The lakes are something else."

"I couldn't agree more. I was away for a while but nothing could stop me coming back."

"It was university that kept you away?"

"For a while yeah." I answered, before giving her the rundown of the last few years of my life. "I went up to Newcastle for that and then took a year off to travel. I was working in Leeds until recently but the city life isn't what I am looking for right now so I came home."

"I was in London for 30 years so I know what you mean."

"Exactly. 30 years is a whole lot more impressive than the one I managed."

"However long it was we both ended up back here and that's for the best." I didn't have the chance to agree before she brought our first real conversation to a close. "It's a little too cold for my joints today though so I'm going to head back early. It was a pleasure to meet you."

I smiled as she pushed herself up onto her feet and picked up her hiking poles from their place on the bench between us. "It was really nice to meet you too."

"Stop again sometime and say hello." she said and taking into account how smoothly our brief chat had gone and how much I had actually enjoyed talking about the beauty of home with another local I nodded my head in the affirmative.

"I will do. For sure."

After she had left I continued on with my usual routine. I explored various trails around the lake and spent some more time at the shoreline looking for fauna to snap on my camera. As usual the time slipped away too quickly and it was soon time to head home and get back to work. On the bus back home I realised I hadn't asked for her name, and promised myself I would do that the next time we spoke. I expected we would meet again unless I left such a bad impression that she changed her entire routine.

Thankfully that was not to be the case and the following day there she was, though this time she was sat on her usual bench. I still thought it would be polite to say hello. "A little warmer today."

"It is indeed." she replied. "Your camera looks very professional."

"This is a pretty good model." I said, taking the strap that was around my neck and lifting it over my head before passing it her way. "Take a look if you want. It's expensive but my mum went halves with me. It's not professional in the sense that it's my job but I have a lot of fun with it."

I had stayed standing because of her bench choice, not wanting to assume she wanted me to join her for too long. As she looked into the frame of my camera she took notice of that and patted the seat beside her. "Sit down please."

"If you happen to see any Mediterranean gulls around, be sure to let me know. I've been trying to shoot one of those bad boys the last couple of weeks. There's been some spotted on the coast and I was hoping they might come inland."

She passed my camera back before turning herself to face me. "And what do they look like?"

"When they are breeding they are white with a black head. Otherwise all white. I think."

"Not much of a birdwatcher, are you?" she joked.

"I'm not a birdwatcher at all really. I'm certainly no expert but I try and learn about anything I take pictures of and I try to keep track of any rare sightings in the area. I'm a nature watcher. I'll take pictures of anything. Have you seen any of the deer around here recently?"

"Oh all the time. They're incredible, aren't they?"

"The best." I flicked through the pictures in my camera reel to find a shot of a buck I snapped recently before showing it to her.

"Very good." she said. "One of my granddaughters might well be in touch for her wedding."

I laughed it off, before remembering to ask for her name. "Can I ask who it is I am speaking to?" I said, wording it awkwardly for no reason. Thankfully she followed along.

"Jillian." she replied, reaching out her hand in my direction. I took the leather of her glove in a quick shake. "And you?"

"Joseph. Joe."

"Which is it?"

"Joe to friends."

"I'll call you Joseph then." she said, before breaking into a laugh. "Joe it is. We are friends now because I trapped you with that bench sign." I joined her in laughter. I suppose she had.

"I didn't know what to do when I saw you sitting here today. I thought you had enough of me yesterday."

"Oh, not at all." she assured me. "I felt quite guilty about leaving so soon but I was sat on that bench for so long and my joints were stiffening up. It's not easy at my age, you know?"

"But you're still out here every day getting your exercise, and it's no problem about leaving early. It's a shame you were waiting so long for someone to join you. I've never seen someone sat on one of those before."

"I was just feeling a bit bored. I thought it might be nice to make a friend. I don't think they make them for people your age but it was someone your age that stopped. Everyone else walked right on by."

I was glad to hear she wasn't there out of sheer desperation for companionship. I didn't know how much help I could be for an older lady if she was genuinely lonely. I still felt a need to check she wasn't on her own since her move back north, whenever that was. "Do you have family up here?"

"I do. Both of my siblings are still here and a lot of their families. Two of my daughters have moved up here as well. They were born here before we moved down south and after I moved back they were persuaded to do the same. My two youngest daughters are still in London. The generation after them are spread all over. Some are here, there are some in London and some are travelling like you said you did. One lives in Manchester. Another in Bristol. I can't keep track anymore."

"Four daughters, eh?" I noticed she hadn't mentioned a husband and wondered if she was at an age when widowing was a realistic possibility, but back then I was still picturing her in her fifties and decided not to dwell on it.

"I would have liked a son but it never happened and between the four of them they gave me enough grandsons to make up for it."

"Sounds like a handful at least. Probably why you escape here every day."

"You might be right. What about you?"

"My parents are still in Penrith so I see plenty of them. I have one sister and she's in Australia at the moment on one of those working holiday visas. She copied me after I went travelling."

"She's younger than you?" Jill asked.

"She is, but only by a year. Mum and dad had us back to back and then called it enough at two."

"One of my granddaughters will probably try that visa out as well. It seems to be all the rage these days." Jillian began to stand and I followed. "You know I don't come out here just to sit down. We can walk and talk. See if we can spot any of those gulls."

"Sounds like a plan." I put my camera strap back over my head and waited for her to pick a direction, before following. I was off route for the first time in a while but the conversation was enjoyable and I was in no rush for it to end. "Can't drag any of the family out here with you?"

"I get some of them out occasionally, but not as much as me. I used to get out here with a friend a few times a week and now I can't stop so I'm here every day. It's part of the routine."

"Still going strong. Your friend gave up?"

Jillian snorted. "She died sweetheart. Old people, you know? We die sometimes."

Christ.

"I'm sorry to hear that." I said, though not for a second did she seem knocked off her groove. I was a few paces behind her as we walked up a narrow path, and I watched as she used her poles to drag herself up the momentarily sharp incline. She was no slouch and it didn't seem as though the poles were a necessity just yet. Just a little help on top. "Nice of you to keep the tradition going."

"I suppose it is."

We walked in the direction of the water and found ourselves on a small gravel shoreline surrounded by trees and other flora. I stepped down onto the shore before helping her to do the same. I took a few photos of some ducks wading in the water and briefly lost track of her as she roamed the foliage before peeking back out and grabbing my attention. "Looks like some of those gulls you mentioned over here." she said, and I quickly approached. I didn't have the highest of hopes but as it turned out, she was on the money and a breeding pair had made a nest in a grassy outcrop near the edge of the lake.

"Wow. I didn't think I would actually see any." I said, rushing into position to take a few shots as we watched the pair huddle in warmth together. "You're my good luck charm." I snapped as many shots as I could, finding as many good spots as I could without getting too close and disturbing them. When one rustled their feathers a little more dramatically I took my leave. They might have had some eggs to protect and I didn't want to worry them.

"Could your lucky charm ask for a picture of her own?" she asked me, and I was more than glad to provide the service. She stood on the edge of the water and offered up a wide and warm smile and I took a shot of her with the lake and some hills in the background. She provided me with an email address to send it to as we made our way back in the direction of her car. On the way she offered me a ride back home, but I told her I would stay out a little longer but looked forward to catching her again sometime. Sometime didn't quite seem like a good enough offer, so she reminded me she would be at the same bench the following day before taking her leave.

I did see her the next day, and most days after that. Sometimes we would sit and chat and on others we would go for a hike. It was always good fun and the conversation never grew dull. She told me all about her family. She talked about them with so much love it made me feel guilty for not doing the same about my own. She guilt tripped me into sending my sister a nice birthday message and then helped me word the entire thing. Her adoration of her own family was sweet and to this day I remember so much about each of them, even those I haven't met. She would always be so keen to update me if something was new with one of her daughters or one of the grandchildren. I learned she had some great-grandchildren as well which served as another warning sign as to her real age.

I remember her telling me about Violet, her granddaughter who lives in Bristol. Violet is a lesbian, and Jillian told me she was absolutely fine with that. I couldn't help but laugh, before telling her that I never doubted she would be. Violet is a chef and she has a girlfriend called Zoya and two cats called Milo and Luna.

There's also her grandson Nathan who had just turned 15 at the time. She told me he was an incredible footballer and they expected him to go on and have a long career in the professional game. He had offers from multiple top tier academies but for now he was with Carlisle United while he finished school.

The youngest and likely the last of their generation were 3 year old twins born to her youngest daughter in London. She regrets not seeing them as much as her older grandchildren but the move back north was for the best, though she was incredibly relieved that two of her daughters followed her.

All of those details hold no real relevance to my life but when it was Jillian telling me them, I listened and I remembered. Something about her captivated me. I was surprised she had become such a genuine friend but the more time we spent together, the more we opened up and our friendship only grew stronger. When she told me she wouldn't be around for a few days as she was heading south to see family it didn't seem like a big deal, but then when I was out on the lake alone I suddenly realised I missed having her around. It was just not as fun without her.

She was a real good luck charm as well. Animals seemed to be drawn to her as if she were a Disney princess. I got some of my best photographs ever simply by being around her. Red squirrels would eat out of her hand like she had reared them herself before scurrying away if I got too close. Falcons I had only caught a passing glimpse of over the course of weeks would settle on a fence near to her and pose for my camera at her silent request. I started to enjoy taking pictures of her with the animals, her smile lighting up each one.

She was quite the model as well. It didn't take too long for me to really see how beautiful Jillian is. She's a stunning lady. It would be a crime to say she just looks good for her age. She looks her age and all the more beautiful for it. I was still kidding myself about her age back then because a lot of the signs were there. Her hair is a light grey, often styled in a wavy bob that frames her face delightfully. She told me she had been blonde before the grey set in. Her pretty features were only heightened by the wrinkles between her eyebrows, the crow's feet beside her eyes and the smile lines and dimples towards her full lips. She reminds me of Helen Mirren, with the same slim figure and full chest.