It was time for my annual physical, and like always, I had waited until the last minute. I was afraid this would happen, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mann, but your doctor doesn't have any appointments for physicals available until February. I can try and set you up with someone else if you don't want to wait that long."
I figured that was better than nothing, so told her to go ahead. After a short pause, she said, "I can get you in on December 23rd, if that would work. I should tell you, it's with a woman, if that's okay?"
I was ready to deal with someone other than my regular doctor, but I wasn't sure about a woman. Not that I don't think women can make great doctors, I just wasn't sure if I was comfortable with some of the things that happen in an exam with a woman doctor. But I really needed to go, and I figured it should be okay, so I told her to make the appointment.
"Great, you'll be seeing our nurse-practitioner, everyone loves Audrey."
Okay, nurse-practitioner, I've never quite understood the difference, but for a physical it should be fine. In fact, that sounded even better - my children had seen nurse-practitioners over the years, and it was always a dumpy middle-aged woman, which for some reason set me at ease. I made the appointment, and put it on my calendar.
So, on the day of my appointment, I showed up a little early as directed, was taken back by a nurse, Eboni, who got my weight and checked my blood pressure, and soon I was sitting in the exam room waiting for nurse-practitioner Audrey to show up. While waiting, I got a little nervous again - what if part of the exam was one of those uncomfortable things? What if I got aroused? That would be embarrassing. What if I DIDN'T get aroused? That could ALSO be embarrassing. I had just about gotten myself together - hey, dumpy middle-aged nurse, right, how bad could it be - when I heard a light knock and turned towards the door.
Coming in the door, wearing a long white lab coat, was just about exactly what I was afraid of - tall, shoulder length dirty blond hair, slim figure with less in the chest than I usually go for (but it looked good on her), an attractive woman in her 30s. Great. Well, maybe there won't be any of those uncomfortable things.
"Hi, I'm Audrey. Nice to meet you." Pleasant smile, she managed to put me at ease. I could see why the receptionist had said, "Everyone loves Audrey."
"Hi, Tom. Nice to meet you." I took her offered hand, and it was warm and strong.
Audrey sat down at the desk and started looking over my record. As she went through my medications and the things listed on my chart, I began to get more at ease. Sure, there was a brief moment when she mentioned a prescription I had forgotten about, for an ED medication ("Now she knows you've had trouble getting it up!", "Hey, when you've been married forever it sometimes takes a little help, besides, it's not like she's looking to sleep with you!", "Oh, right. Time to stop talking to myself like this, even if it is just in my head."), but that went by quickly. I had just about decided that this was going to be just fine when she said, "And testicular exams?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Do you check your testicles on a regular basis?"
I fought the urge to say, "Does playing with them while I jerk off count?" and just said yes. Then she said, "Would you want to skip that part of this exam? Some people aren't comfortable with it, so that would be okay."
So there it was, the kind of thing I was afraid of. Before I could respond, she said, "I would have to get a nurse in here to chaperone for that part, if that makes a difference."