Fishing is the most boring recreational past-time known to man, in my opinion. It stinks, it wastes time and what you bring home if you're lucky enough your mom can buy at the supermarket for far less trouble and expense; it all tastes like crap anyway. I had this opinion for half my life, the last twelve years, but then my boss Mr Duckett brought a new perspective of fishing into my life by sending me out fishing with Mrs Duckett.
It was Friday morning and Crowley Duckett called me into his office at his car dealership.
"Doing anything tomorrow Jim?"
"Sleeping in all morning and working here from 1:00 to 8:00."
He smiled and said he had other plans for me. "I'll ask Chipper to get Cory to work a double shift at double usual rates; I want you to take Mrs Duckett fishing."
In astonishment I asked him why.
"Because she's asked for you – I said she could have anyone in sales and she said, "Give me the scrawny one called Jim who looks gay. I don't want a guy staring at me thinking sex while while I'm fishing."
"What guy would think about sex when looking at Mrs Duckett?" I grinned and added hastily she had made the right decision.
"But you're not gay are you?"
"No, I told you I had a girlfriend when you hired me and you hired me on a monthly base-rate premium of two hundred bucks if I would specialize in dealing with obviously gay customers. You thought I had 'the look' and I agreed to work accepting that bias because to me customers are customers."
Crowley nodded solemnly. "Yeah, and that really has worked out for me and for you; you have the second highest client referrals and repeat business of everyone here."
I grinned and said I always assumed the boss knew best.
The boss laughed and said I shouldn't fondly think Mrs Duckett might find me sexy because she was scared stiff of gay men.
"But Crowley, I'm not gay."
He said he was inclined to think that but no way should I attempt to change Mackenzie's opinion. Well I wasn't likely do anything, possibly not even bother to talk to her as Mackenzie Duckett was never out of trousers, had little sign of tits and although eight to ten years younger than the boss acted rather like an older woman. I'd often wondered if she had girlfriends – you know, gay girlfriends.
"Why aren't you going instead of me boss?"
"Because I'm going to the horse races with the boys. She is perfectly capable of handling the boat by herself but what if she falls overboard? She does like to drink when fishing. Then what if she runs into any sort of trouble? Two heads are better than one in a crisis Jim. But stop your quibbling – you're going and here's two hundred bucks as a gratuity. Just be down at Pier 17, berth eight at 10:00. The name of the boat is Screw Me."
I asked who gave the boat that goddamn name and he looked at me sternly and said he did; in the days of his first wife when he purchased the boat, yet to be named, he had a hot mistress; screw me was her favorite saying.
The complications were becoming too much for me so I grabbed the money and said I would represent his interests to the best of my ability and went back to work.
"Thanks Jim – I'll rest easy."
The bitch had labeled me scrawny! I though of wearing my girlfriend's shoulder pads but tossed that idea as if it was a fine day I might want to sunbath and without the pads the bitch would label me a fraud.
Next morning I reached Screw Me to find her aboard, ready to go and looking at her watch all too obviously.
"You're late."
"And good morning to you," I said cheerfully, jumping on to the deck of the boat and skidding on to my ass as my feet went from under me.
"Those effeminate shoes are not boat shoes. Are you okay?"
"I think so I said," holding out a hand. She rushed to assist probably thinking that might avert an injury liability claim if I were only moderately hurt.
"This is an inauspicious start to our day," she said kindly.
"Neptune is punishing me for lateness."
Mrs Duckett actually laughed and I thought I detected some bounce under her loose shirt. Below that she wore track pants – yuck.
"Do you know anything about boats?"
I acted dumb. "Only that they sink when they take on too much water."
She gave me the look of a master castrator.
The two outboard motors were already idling. She took the wheel and commanded, "Cast off."
"What, you want me to jump off on to the jetty? Crowley said I was to watch over you and save you from your own stupidity or from real peril."
She looked at me, mouth open, showing expensively enhanced teeth. "What – the swine said that?"
"That might not be an accurate quote but it is the gist of what he said. I'll cast off the aft and bow mooring lines."
She wanted to bark that I'd said I knew nothing about boats but thought better of it, possibly because that tease could have made me more interesting than what she had expected.
"How old are you?" I asked, letting go the aft line and turning. It was touch and go but finally she said thirty-eight.
"And you?"
"Twenty-eight. What do I call you?"
She said Mrs Duckett and when I went fo'ard and passed her I was still laughing.
I returned and we were underway. There was a long silence as I;d decided not to speak until she backed down and ed to call me by her given name. Climbing down into the galley I found the under-bench fridge full of wine so opened a bottle of dry white and returned topside with it and two glasses.
"Yummy," she said, reaching for a glass. I withdrew it and looked at her expectedly. She colored and said, "Mackenzie."
"What a sweet name," I said, handing her a glass and clinked mine against hers before she could jerk hers away.