"It's been almost 20 really happy years, Sean"
Sitting across from me at the table is my wife, Bree. We've just finished a quiet dinner at home, the first time we have eaten together in almost a month. The tension had been building the entire evening, after a while, you know someone well enough to recognize when something is on their mind.
I take a deep breath "The time has passed quickly. Seems like only yesterday we were just a couple of interns fresh out of college. I never imagined life passing by so quickly. I guess I regret not making time to slow it down once and a while to focus on us."
Bree offered a bit of a tortured smile. "Sean, we've been on separate paths for years now. Traveling for work, it seems like everytime I get a few days at home you are almost guaranteed to be away. I feel cursed by our success. Our careers were always our priority. We never took time to start a family, even though we always said we would. We've created wealth, and I am so thankful for our experiences, both shared and independent, but as we move deeper into our 40's it's impossible not to feel some regrets."
I had an idea where this conversation was going, and I didn't like it. Frankly, it had been building up for some time. It was easy to avoid when we only see each other a few days out of the month, and admittedly, that was always time reserved to put on our best faces and make an attempt to reconnect as a couple. I for one wasn't going to squander what little time we had together starting any arguments.
"Bree, you know I love you. I always have. Yes, for at least half a decade now we've spent more time apart than together. I should have spoken up to change that, and I didn't. I hope it's not too late, because no one is more important to me than you. I want to do whatever it takes to make this right for us."
"Sean, this is hard for me to say, and maybe even harder to hear. I do love you as well, with all my heart. But we have been living separate lives for years, our marriage has been in name only. I've come to the conclusion we are fooling ourselves that we even still have what most couples recognize as a marriage. I want us to separate officially. We've put this off for years, but I really don't see what changes after this happens. It would be hard to see each other any less than we do today."
"I don't want this. I want to fight for us"
"That's so sweet, Sean. But what are you going to change? What does fighting for us mean to you? Stop traveling...change your job? Or, is this what you expect me to do?"
"I don't know, Bree. But I can do better. We can do better."
Bree is sitting, just staring at me with an expressionless look on her face.
"Bree, I have to ask. Why now? Is there someone else?"
"Sean, I recognize what you are thinking. But I have honestly never cheated on you in the entirety of our marriage. Yes, I've had the opportunity as undoubtedly so have you - I think that's just going to happen when you spend more time apart than together. I'm not standing here to accuse you of anything. But I have never stepped out on you and despite the circumstances, I am certainly not intending to start now."
"That's fair. But it doesn't actually answer the question I asked. Once we officially separate, presumably we will divorce. Once we are both single, it's not exactly stepping out now is it?"
For the first time in the conversation, Bree's posture turned away and she could no longer look me in the eye. At that moment, I knew we were done.
"Sean, my expectation is once this is settled we will both continue to grow in new and different directions. I don't know today where that will take either one of us. We both deserve to be happy. I am honestly trying to do this responsibly. This doesn't have to be awkward. We will still be friends and I will always care for you deeply."
"But I don't want a divorce."
A tear ran down Bree's face. "I'm heading out in the morning and will be working from the west coast all week. Let's not make this so hard on each other. We will divide our considerable assets amicably. We both make plenty of money and can easily afford to maintain our lifestyles independently. Use this week to gather your thoughts and we can discuss the details next weekend, if you can be home again."
"I love you, Bree."
"I love you too, Sean."
Bree turned and without further conversation, headed upstairs to our bedroom. I couldn't stand to join her, I don't know what she expected. I wasn't about to spend the night in our guest room, not that it would be awkward to sleep alone, as we already spent far more nights apart than together. I sat down in a chair in front of the TV in our living room and cried myself to sleep. I was awakened early the next morning as Bree stood behind me with her roll aboard suitcase.
"I'm headed back to the airport. Sorry we didn't get to spend more time together, I was hoping we might get the chance to reconcile our feelings more completely last night. Admittedly, that might have been a silly expectation under the circumstances."
"I'm not ready to give up on us, Bree."
"Let's talk again next weekend honey. I don't want hurt feelings to make this any harder than I guess it already is. But, I don't want to mix words here. I love you, but it's time for both of us to move on."
-How it came to this-
My name is Sean Hamlin, age 44. My wife Bree and I have been married for almost 20 years. Sometimes, people wonder how we have stayed together as a couple for so long. My conclusion? During almost 20 years of marriage, objectively we've spent only around 7 years of time actually together. We both have cultivated vibrant independent business careers, and rarely see each other outside of weekends, holidays and the occasional weekday where we manage to catch each other at home. Classic workaholics, who put our relationships on hold while we chase sales targets, operating metrics, whatever the challenge dujour is for us at the moment.
The signs have been there for some time. We've always lived on the east coast of the USA. Bree was offered the job of a lifetime 5 years ago - of course, on the West coast. Only problem is, my job was based in the east, along with most of my sales territory. She asked if I would relocate with her. Short answer - no - my career was too important to me, I wasn't moving away from the power centers of HQ or my established base of customers. To her credit, Bree initially declined the job, solely on the requirement to work from the office 5 days a week. Her prospective employer didn't take no for an answer, and countered with a revised job offer allowing her to live wherever she liked, as long as she was willing to commute into the office at least 2 weeks out of the month. Ultimately, she accepted. We were used to frequent travel and time apart anyway, this was really not intended to be too significant of a change.
Or so I thought. Realistically, after 6 months the 2 onsite weeks bled into 3 and sometimes 4. Irrespective of the occasional week home was my travel - which while not as intense as hers, always seemed to concentrate on the weeks where she could work from home at her discretion. If I wasn't going to be around, there wasn't really any point in hanging around at home. She might as well be in the office anyway, it was her entire world.
Obviously, our love life and intimacy suffered, really only seeing each other on alternating weekends. I admit, I had some occasional indiscretions of my own during this time, I guess I had to in order to keep my sanity. Bree never could have known. Nothing that would have ever qualified as a true affair, more like some glorified one night stands. Always opportunistic and meaningless. Fact is, I loved Bree. I don't know why I didn't stand up and fight harder for our marriage before it was too late. Given the opportunity, I would have spent the night with her over pretty much anyone. I felt my share of the blame here.
The final sign should have been the most auspicious, and perhaps the one I could have exercised the most control over. Neither one of us was 25 anymore. Bree maintained a "routine". I guess it's easier when you are traveling back and forth to the same places, at the same times, over and over again. Waking up at 5AM to hit the gym or the jogging trails was second nature to her. Despite the approach of middle age, she looked about as attractive as the day I married her. Without children, Bree's stomach remained toned and breasts perky, never suffering the ravages of pregnancy. She had the classic and distinguished signs of aging, specifically gray hairs (which she treated) and fine lines and wrinkles starting in places where you might expect them to be. But for a woman of 44 herself, she still looked darn near amazing.
Unfortunately, I fell into the life of an executive bachelor most of the time. I wasn't getting up and working out at 5AM - actually, I never set foot in the gym at all. My domain was entertaining clients and executive team members over lunches and late night dinners, complete with wine, dessert and whatever got put in front of me. I wasn't exactly a glutton, but maintaining physical fitness wasn't actually any priority. I was eating junk and meals for one most of the nights when I wasn't traveling or working myself. Bree didn't seem to mind my appearance, at least on the surface, but the fact she was roughly the size she was when she married me, and I was now 40 lbs heavier had to be hurting my case.
My motivation was to somehow fight to reclaim my marriage. At least to me, it was worth saving. After 20 years, I knew damn well once her mind was made up it wouldn't be changed easily. It seemed clear to me she had finally decided it was high time to move lock stock and barrel to the west coast, her whole world was there now and it only seemed like a logical play to quit shuttling back and forth. I could only imagine Bree finally met someone who made the decision obvious, not like it couldn't have been obvious before.
-Preparing to Fight-
Recognizing the deck was stacked against me, I decided that tactically I needed to take what she was offering. I decided to not contest the separation. Two days after she left, I called and told her to take the time apart that she needed and I would do the same. Stay on the west coast for a while. I would sell our home, move into an apartment of my own, and focus on self improvement. I knew divorce wasn't a quick process, even without children it would take 6 months or more due to our asset profiles and everything else. I simply asked Bree for the opportunity to consider a reconciliation one final time before any divorce was filed, that I still was in love with her, and hopefully our time apart would in some way allow us to recognize we still had feelings for each other that would eventually preclude an official divorce. As the consummate executive she was, she recognized I was trying to make a big step in her direction, and readily accepted to follow this path with me.
If there is ever a vision of a midlife crisis, I was about to become it. I knew the odds of reclaiming my marriage weren't too good. Obviously, I was in competition with someone, or about to be. I figured either I improve myself and use this as my last, best effort to reclaim my wife...or a springboard into what I have only heard is a spectacularly complicated middle aged dating scene. Either way, I needed all the help I could get.
It was shock therapy. I made a point to start exercising daily, specifically running as I didn't really have time for anything else. The first mile I ran ended with me leaning against a fence, seeing stars and vomiting. It actually didn't deter me like you think it would. My first 4 weeks were incredibly difficult. I was so sore I could barely get out of bed in the morning. By the 5th week, I was up to 2 miles and starting to feel better. By the 8th week, I was up to 3. After 12 weeks, I could run as far as 5 miles at a time without stopping. I was already down 15 lbs, sleeping like a log all night long, and feeling better about myself for the first time.
I needed to meet some new people outside of work. I wasn't ready for the dating scene, and in some way I was hoping I wouldn't have to be. In my head, I was still a married man and despite whatever indiscretions Bree was busy getting into living apart from me, I still felt in my heart that we could reconcile, somehow. I decided to register for a 5K race, clearly not to be competitive but in hopes I could meet some new people that I could somehow connect with on my midlife crisis journey.
