I am a clinical sexologist and I work for an hospital in Rome (Italy).
I decided to write this story after the "particular visit" I had few weeks ago. It's something which cannot be a subject of discussion with other collegues of mine but definitely I believe the readers of this site will understand me.
The visit
I've been taking few surveys about sexuality and third age, but this is the first time I am part of one of them!
This elderly lady arrived in my study with an appointment and, on the summary wrote down by my assistant, it said for "personal consultation"... nothing more. I made her sit on the chair in front of my desk and I asked her general questions regarding personal details and health status.
She was 78 years old, widowed since ten years after a 28 years marriage, married at 40 because she was taking care of her old parents until they died, no children, using a walking tutor after two hip replacement operations and in general good health, apart from some blood pressure problems and senile arthritis.
When I asked the reason of her appointment, she lowered the eyes mumbling something about "questions on sexuality". Her wrinkled face looked like a mixture of embarassment and fear while the knuckles of her hands went white for the strength she was clasping the cane.
I explained that my role was exactly to help her on this matter and there was no reason to be worried. Therefore, I helped her to move on my consultation sofa and I sat on the armchair in front of it. I offered to the old lady something to drink which she refused and then I explained her the importance to be open on this subject, the silence allows misconceptions to flourish, including the widespread assumption that seniors should be asexual.
The best procedure is to make them talk about something less specific and move later to the specific point, in this case the starting conversation was about her marriage.
The Conversation
The marriage of the old woman had been like millions of other ones. The husband was 8 years older than her and they have known each other because they were living in the same apartments block. After the death of her parents, he had given his support in the period following these sorrowful moments. They became close friends and this led to affection and love later on. He had been an active and jolly fellow until the last years when heart dysfunctions had made him miserable and weak.
I asked about their sexual life and she answered, quite comfortably as a matter of fact, that it had been normal and periodical for the first years, slowing down subsequently and completely absent when her husband got sick.
I reckoned it was time to go back to the point and I asked her again the reason of the consultation.
It took some moments but then she felt enough confident to explain me the problem.
Since the husband's illness she had not had any sexual relationship. After her companion's death, there had been few occasions when men had approached her but she had declined the offers initially for a sense of respect toward the memory of the dead husband and later, after turned 70, she started to feel wrong when thinking about sex ("a horny old broad" as she defined herself). In the meanwhile, sexual unsatisfacted desire was still present and the idea of some sort of disorder grew in her mind. This was the reason why the elderly woman had come to me, seeking for help to vanish this urge.
The explanation
My aim was to explain her that there is no age limit on sexuality and sexual activity. Reports show that the majority of men and women between the ages of 60 and 80 are still enthusiastic about sex and intimacy. Therefore, there was nothing wrong in feeling such desire, actually other reports tell that sexual activities combined with a right diet and physical exercises help to slow down the aging process.
I told her to don't feel ashamed or worried about those feelings but actually leave the door open for a possible partner and, when the sexual desire is showing up, practice eventually some self-loving to ease the pressure and please her body.
The suggestion
At these words, the old woman opened wide her eyes behind the glasses. She had never masturbate in her entire life due to the teachings received during her youth. It was quite common, especially in the catholic culture, for the parents to teach at the children that masturbation was unnatural and forbidden by the Church.
Here I had to lecture again on misconceptions and wrong assumptions regarding masturbation.
At the end of my speech she looked quite convinced but still she didn't have any idea about how give pleasure to herself.
I went back to my desk in order to write down some titles of books on the subject of the auto stimulation but the elderly lady told me that her eyesight wasn't good anymore (I forgot to mention her cataract surgery) and read was almost impossible. Therefore, she was asking me to explain her the theory as I was the only one she could trust.