When I began my quest for new sexual adventures, I swore off pursuing married women. Remember that I had been looking for a companion that wanted to share 18 holes with me as well as her three. But, since I was golfing with Lynn, the illicitness of screwing a married woman rattled around in my mind and testicles. I had a chance or two during my marriage that went unfulfilled, so I considered filling this gap in my sexual resume.
I was wrestling with this decision when a lucky episode on the golf course provided me the direction I needed.
I was playing in a foursome that included a friend named Ivan, whose nickname naturally was Ivan the Terrible. Most people assumed, for good reason, that this name described his golf game, and on this day it certainly did. Ivan was butchering the round even more than usual. But, when he duck hooked his drive on the 11th into a small pond thirty yards in front and to the left of the tee, the true source of his nickname became apparent. Ivan blew his stack once again.
An Ivan-like eruption had been building throughout the round, and after this drive, he flipped his driver into the air yelling "Fuuuuuuuck." He had thrown clubs before, but this flip was an Ivan classic, because it started bouncing oddly all over the tee, and finally hit me on the thigh. I hadn't been looking, and only saw the bouncing club when it was on top of me.
It barely hit me and did not hurt, but if you are a golfer, you immediately understand that this was a faux pas of epic proportions. Throwing clubs is bad, but hitting a player with one is outrageous. I smiled and picked up the club, but clearly his actions troubled all the members of our group. Ivan's good friend Billy broke the tension, "Jesus, Terrible, you can't even throw the fuckin' club straight."
Ivan said, "I hate that name", but the fourth member of the group retorted, "Well, that's too damn bad, because what you just did was terrible." I told Ivan to forget it and try to enjoy his round, but in my head, I made two promises to myself. The first was that I promised to stop playing with Ivan. This outburst was no joke; that club could have bounced into my face, or even worse, my nuts.
I would not miss playing with Ivan, but I enjoyed playing with Wendy, his nerdy looking but cute wife. She had tried to fix me up, but stopped when I told her that I was only interested in a date that liked anal sex and analingus. I still laugh at the expression on Wendy's face.
My second promise was that I would be sticking my cock up Ivan's wife's ass.
Most men, including me, think that geeky girls are better fucks. Maybe it's because they don't go out so much that and they have more time to think about sex. Or, maybe it's because they are smarter and have more vivid imaginations.
My roommate at the college frat house during sophomore year asked out this girl who I knew was really a nerd. I knew this because she and I went to high school together and coincidentally ended up at the same university. We were all about nineteen, and I told him that she had never been out on a date, not even the senior prom.
He said he had to take her out, because she sat next to him in chemistry, and there was no way he was passing without her help. The truth is he liked her. I guess he did because they have been married for 39 years and he is the happiest guy I know.
Anyway, she went to her first frat party and was plowed within thirty minutes and on him like paint. I couldn't find him, but when I tried to get into the room that we shared, the door was locked and I could hear her moaning. I did not mind, because this had happened to all of us. But, I couldn't get into my room the whole damn weekend. Every time I approached the door, I heard her moaning.
They live up north and about five years ago, I visited them during a business trip. Their kids were all out of the house and I was invited to stay with them. "Thanks, but no thanks", I said, "I need to get some sleep." When she said she did not understand, I reminded her that I spent the entire weekend of her first date sleeping on a couch in the basement. She laughed so hard because it was the first time that I teased about her moaning even though we have known each other for almost fifty years.
It occurred to me that she might have some nerdy friends that liked assplay; maybe she could fix me up. It also occurred to me that I should ask if she had taken it up the ass that weekend because I could think of no other explanation for all that moaning. One day, I was going to get really drunk and ask her.
Anyhow, as I mapped out my pursuit of Wendy, I was hoping she was cut from the same sexual cloth as my college roommate's wife.
Wendy liked golf and frequently practiced by hitting balls on the range. The next day, I showed up there and Wendy raced over to me immediately. At the time Terrible tossed his driver, there was a group of women putting out near the eleventh tee. They saw what happened and heard the ensuing ruckus. I didn't know if Ivan told Wendy what he had done, but each of these ladies was a friend of hers, and I bet every one of them called to tell her what an asshole she had for a husband. Wendy used that exact description of Ivan as she apologized for what he did. I sensed that Wendy was not living in a state of marital bliss, not a surprise when you are married to an ogre.
I had not spent much time with Wendy when Terrible was not present. She was not the reticent nerd that I expected. We hit some balls and she readily accepted my invitation to go out as a twosome and play a few holes.
While sitting in the cart, I asked if she had conjured up a few women for me to date. She obviously remembered our last conversation, because she laughed and said that she did not know her single friends' intimate habits that well.
"Well, you better get your ass moving and find out. I need to get laid soon because I may get castrated the next time your idiot husband heaves his driver. I thought women talk about everything. Think about all the fun you're missing and the vicarious thrills of exploring your friends' sex lives.
"Please, don't remind me about my husband. How are your intimate quests going, anyway?"
I told her that I was having a great deal of success but that there were still a few gaps in my knowledge that I was trying to fill. I corrected myself, "Actually, I am trying to fill more gaps, rather than fewer." It was a dumb joke but we both laughed.
"Did you really find women to do the things you mentioned?" She was remembering that I explicitly told her that I was looking for women that enjoy anal sex and analingus. "Is that why you are dating the woman with the short blond hair? I think her name is Lynn."
"Wendy," I replied in mock horror, "Don't you know I would never lick a woman's ass and tell." When she smiled, I continued, "You're still thinking about what I asked you that day, aren't you?"
"I think about it a lot", she admitted. "Do you lick really your partners' asses?"
