Dinner Ch 03

I was picking up the balsamic vinegar to splash on the salad for the finishing touch when Cathy started talking to me. "The kids will be here tomorrow for Thanksgiving." She paused and looked toward me, directly into my eyes. I saw a question in her face although her words were a statement of fact.

We've been living back together in our home for the past 4 months. My previous remote plumbing job assignment had been extended for another couple of months. We were seeing a marriage therapist weekly during that time. It felt right to move back in together when that job was over, but I remained in the back bedroom.

Living back together without the ax of her cancer swinging at our heads allowed our lives to be more 'normal'. We got to see if indeed we'd be able to live together in a healthy way - for both of us. It hasn't always gone smoothly.

Our weekly marriage therapy sessions really helped us at our attempt for a new life together. Cathy had a whole lot of issues that came out and we worked on them. But the issues weren't always about her.

I was finding that I had so many buttons, some pretty dumb, that were being pushed that she had no clue about. No one would have a logical clue about some of those buttons, sometimes not even me. Now she does. Now I do. Some of my buttons are still show stoppers, others became minor. Some of them I learned to live with because their meaning to me changed. I'm in my mid 50's and my emotional growth has sky-rocketed. I'm finding out that growing never stops, or doesn't have to. Or shouldn't.

I have my voice back now. I feel that I am being listened to. This was non-negotiable and it made all the difference in the world for our marriage. My voice isn't yelling and screaming. It isn't ultra-controlled, only letting out the minimum in a clenched jaw to get my point across. It has been moving toward a non-censored flow of who I am, what I feel, what I think. It's been a long time. This problem pre-dated Cathy and it got worse with her. I had a part of why this marriage was shit for quite a while. I didn't have biggest part, but enough. Takes two to make a marriage, only one to destroy it, and two can damage it. But it takes two to repair it, two people working together to repair it.

The more I found out that I wasn't perfect and that she was honestly trying, the easier it was for me to work with Cathy. To be able to forgive her, and to forgive me for the choices I made too. Never thought that I did anything big wrong, then I found out I was a part of the problem too.

On Cathy's side, it was rough. Being with her all these years, I could see the stress, the strains, the sheer effort she was putting in to try to make our marriage counseling work. She dealt with many of her issues in life. But it was her grim determination carried her. Before this, she demanded her own way. Now she used that drive to try to be healthy, with me, for me, for her, for us, for our family. What a difference.

We still had plenty of blow-ups these past several months. Plenty of reverting to how things were before. But we both learned some things. I learned to walk away for some period of time. She learned that too when she was escalating out of control.

The difference? We both learned to seek out the other later, when we had a handle on ourselves, when our partner had it under control too. Is this how normal people do this? Fight fair? Respect boundaries? Give space? Talk about it later? Reconnect?

Progress.

And our healthy handling of it keeps happening more and more. It's called building on success.

I remember what she asked me in one of our marriage sessions, "Can you accept me with my faults?" Just to have ever heard these words from her mouth... This was a turning point for both of us. I had to give up on some things I had been 'demanding'. She was never going to be perfect. It had been so terrible over the years that I was now 'demanding' perfection from her. I didn't know that. I was never going to get it from her. She was never going to get it from me. But she was giving me approachability, honesty, openness and honest-to-god caring. Sometimes it didn't happen immediately when it was needed, but soon afterward.

We were working on comfortable, 'good enough for each other', be supportive of one another. It was working, we both were getting what we needed. We did not get all that we wanted, but life together had become good.

Who would have thunk it? Over 2 years ago I never would have felt this way.

Now Cathy's looking at me with a question, the question we've skirted for the past several weeks when we found out everybody was going to be home for Thanksgiving.

There aren't enough bedrooms for everybody if I was in the spare bedroom. Especially now that there will be two significant others arriving. John is bringing Brianna and Mary is bringing Brian. I think that there may be a couple of weddings in the future.

"Dan?" I looked at her and could hear the bigger question.

"We're out of extra bedrooms with all the kids home." I nodded yes. "What do you think?" She swallowed. "Are we ready yet to be in the same bedroom again?"

I'm sure my face showed my concern. I've been working hard on being less stoic, being more real, being more open, being more present. I have to stop living in my head. Home is safe now, it's safe now in this marriage.

She had just finished setting the table as we both sat down. "Dan, let's see how far we have come, OK?" I nodded as I reached for a glass of wine. This from a woman that would immediately jump into anything, sometimes without thinking, and direct its outcome. Cathy would always take over with a passion, but now I was starting to be less shocked when she was reflective.

"We've learned how to fight correctly, right?" I nodded yes. "I've learned to hold my anger about 50% of the time, right?"

I started to shake my head no, violently no. "You're wrong Cathy. You're dead wrong." Her face deflated while I continued. "Nothing less than 75% of the time. I will not take any number less than 75. I'll even give you 80 without a fight, a little bit of discussion for 85, but nothing less than 75%."

She lightly punched my arm in mock anger while smiling from ear to ear. When I speak I always speak the truth now, or I say nothing right away. She heard me clearly, I wasn't going to let her minimize how far she had come. She felt my warmth, my honesty, my connectedness in my answer.

"Cathy, I think that there are two questions here. Do I return to our bedroom and do we ..."

"Make love again Dan?"

This was a big one for me. I didn't want sex, I wanted an equal partner in bed. A partner that would make love with me. I was done with masturbating in her vagina after I had satisfied her. I've always made sure that she was satisfied. In past years, she didn't do the same for me. I would no longer feel empty after this kind of sex. That was done and over years ago. If love making happens with some regularity, then we could flow into hot and heavy sex. My emotions, my soul needed to be satisfied first. I won't live empty again.

"You know Cathy, we may not have been physically intimate, but we've been emotionally intimate. In fact, our marriage on that front has never been better, has it?" She nodded yes while I continued. "Yet, we're still not perfect are we?" She nodded no.

"But Dan, we're on our way, aren't we?" Those eyes, those eyes say so much more than is able to easily come out of her mouth. At this I smiled and reached for her hand as I pushed aside the food and wine. I saw that she was worried, really worried.

Softly holding her hand in mine, I looked at her with questioning eyes. Her face became tighter with worry. I gripped her hand tighter and nodded to her. "What else is there Cathy? What is going on?"

"Y..y..you were there at my exams, my surgeries, my recovery." She exhaled and closed her eyes, "My reconstruction."

This was it, her breast reconstruction. The shock of losing something that is a major physical and psychological part of you, then getting it rebuilt. It can't be more personal than that.

Her eyes again, they were now becoming red and wet while she forced herself to continue. It was so hard to deal with her when she turned all that 'determination' on to me and the kids. Now, she's using that determination to be emotionally healthy.

"I..I..I..I..." and she coughed, "I'm not a whole..." She wiped tears from her eyes.

"Cathy, that's the biggest load of billshit I've heard from you in quite a while." She jerked from her thoughts. I shocked her into silence. Still in my soft voice I continued. "I understand that your body is you. We've talked about it, we've talked about it in your cancer support groups. But we are more that our bodies. You were half a woman before your cancer, you became a whole woman going through it. You became a whole mother, a whole wife." I got out of my chair and knelt next to hers, holding her in my arms.

"We've re-chosen each other. That is what is most beautiful about us. We've done it freely, we've worked our asses off, we've gone through hell. That's the woman I love. That woman who put herself on the line. Our bodies are only a part of us."

She hugged me with all her might and sobbed on my shoulder. I hugged back and held my love, my imperfect love. "Cathy, we haven't had great bodies, not for the last decade at two at least.' I stroked her cheek, "From the rumors I hear, it's only going to get worse." She tenderly punched my chest on that one. I heard a slight chuckle. A slight chuckle was success in my book.

"It's the love in my arms that's most important. Besides, even you showed off the surgeon's handiwork to me during the healing." She responded with a slight smile. I remember her face when the bandages were off and the swelling had gone down. She had a good balanced pair now. They weren't that way before. She only had a partial reconstruction. She had a scar on her belly where they got some of the 'spare parts' for her.

I leaned over and kissed her, stroking her hair, her face. Then I stood up and pulled her up with me. I started to lead her away from the table. She stopped me and she said "Dinner'll get cold."

I pulled her toward the bedroom again as I said "Dinner will get cold, but something else is going to be warm." We entered the bedroom. I turned around and held her in my arms and kissed her.

"I'm going to make love to you right now. We will take our time and enjoy each other. We have all evening." I looked into her eyes. There was hope and fear and passion and pain. It had been a very long time since we made real love. We've worked hard to successfully rekindle it after it had died on the vine.

"Then after we make love, we'll decide if we want to fuck our brains out before dinner," and she smiled, "or afterward." At that she grinned. I started to unbutton her blouse and reached behind her to unclip her bra. She immediately froze and I realized that I was going at my speed, not hers.

"I'm sorry Cathy, I didn't mean to..."

"No Dan, that's all right. I want to be here, I want to make love with you. It's been years since we made love, or even had sex." She paused and looked at me with a smile and a question on her face. "Can I take charge? Can I take the lead?" I nodded yes and relaxed inside. "Dan, you can be in charge of fucking our brains out after." and a wonderful mischievous smile reappeared.

She said "Please sit down on the bed" as she backed me up to it. As I plopped down, her hands began to unbutton then open my shirt. She pulled it off my shoulders then pulled my t-shirt over my head, taking care to re-mess my hair and then caress and kiss my face. Her face was a combination of hope, fear and love. We were in new territory, kinda. I hope we both find the way.

Cathy then knelt at my feet and took off my shoes and socks. Then she unbuckled my belt and unbuttoned and unzipped my pants. She fully kissed me, then backed away.

Holding her eyes to mine, Cathy kicked off her shoes, tossing them to the side. She unzipped her skirt and let it fall quickly off her hips while she held my eyes with hers. She kicked the skirt to the other side when she started to slowly pull her slip down over her ass. With a little bit of swaying back and forth, it dropped to the floor where she kicked it to the other side of the room. She was being messy today, not her expected clean and orderly self. I knew she was showing me the different Cathy. I marveled at her effort when the blouse quickly slid to the floor. She was clad in boy shorts and a black bra that supported her breasts. I could smell the perfume. With a worried face, I then knew that now it was going to be the moment of truth for her.

She reached behind her, unfastening her bra. With her eyes on mine, she tossed it to the side, showing me her breasts, the healthy and the reconstructed one. All I could do was smile at her. I knew how hard this was, and how hard she was pushing herself now. Then she held a breast in each hand and approached me. She held them up for me to see, she presented them to me while she twirled around. This was for my inspection, for my touch, for my approval. This was her trial for both of our acceptances. She was shaking slightly with more than a hint of worry on her face.

"These are beautiful Cathy" as I reached up and held each one. Some of her nervousness decreased, but the worry in her eyes was still there. I felt each one, the differences were there, but to be honest with you, I really didn't care. Cathy was here, we were together again, we were able to finally love each other again after so much pain. We were alive. Everything else was gravy.

Leaning in, I breathed in her scent and began by softly caressing each one. Her nervousness continued until my mouth started kissing and licking and then sucking each one. At the first touch of my hand, she jumped. Then slowly she began to relax. By the time my mouth has sampled them both, her tenseness decreased. Finally, when she started to stroke my hair, I heard the first soft moan out of her. That feedback was so welcome to me.

I broke my mouth away from them and she looked down at me. I tenderly stroked both of them and chuckled. With a question in her eyes, I replied, "They taste the same." That got a laugh out of her while my mouth returned to lick and suck one then the other.

I reached around her and pulled her by her ass toward me. I could begin to feel her mold and squirm her body into mine. I slipped my fingers into the elastic of her panties and grabbed both cheeks. I was kneading them, caressing them. I continued to pull her body into me as I pulled her panties down, caressing her ass along the way. Now she was naked. She was standing in front of me, with my arms around her and her tits in my mouth.

Her mouth then found mine and we kissed. We have held each other since that day I was going to leave. Months later we'd kissed goodnight, kissed 'I'm sorry', even recently kissed 'I love you' in these past several weeks. This was a kiss of 'I love you, you are my partner and I want you'.

She stood me up and wrapped her arms around me. No rushing, no hesitating. That's when I felt her hands slide into my waistband travellng down my back onto my ass. I felt her slowly slide my pants and underwear down.

Her hands followed my pants down and her mouth left mine. She was tracing kisses down my chest while her hands pulled my pants over my cock. This is when I became worried. On her knees in front of me, her mouth kissed my 'little head' while her hands stroked me.

"Cathy, it's been a long time and ..."

She licked and stroked me for a couple of seconds before she stopped. Looking up to me, she said, "I know. I want to do this now, then when you recover, I want you inside of me and slowly make love to me." She was nodding yes, then I smiled. Then she motioned me to the bed and lay on her back. I pulled my pants from my knees as she lay on the bed. On her back, she held both of her tits together when she said, "I want you to come between my tits. We've done this years ago, and I want it to be the way we start now."

Only when we were young would I come on her. As time quickly went on, it became messy and that went to the wayside. Now I see that she wants to prove something to herself and me. I straddled her hips while she reached over to caress my cock. Inching forward, she leaned her head forward and took a sloppy wet suck of my cock. Using that moisture to stroke me, she did it again, then a third time and a forth. Then she reclined on her back, pushing her tits together. My cock was lubed enough to tit fuck her.

Cathy was always a bit busty, and sliding my cock between her tits and occasionally into her mouth was good for us. I wanted to please my love, she wanted to be whole again. We were on her side of the bed. She was going to be sleeping on the wet spot and I was past caring. A little bit of just deserts flashed into my head. Am I that petty?

As I slowly pumped my cock between her tits, I saw that she closed her eyes. She was smiling, she was feeling her husband's cock on her as she squeezed her tits together. She was smiling and began to breathe harder and harder. I could see the worry and fear leave her face and the look of excitement replaced it. I guess that it's been a long for her too. I reached behind me and slipped a finger onto her slit. She jumped and smiled at me without opening her eyes. I could feel her wetness. I started to rub her clit and she immediately began moaning. I kept pumping between her tits and frigging her slit as she moaned louder.

We both exploded within seconds of each other. As we thrashed, my cum splattered over her neck and chin, on her tits and a little bit in her hair and on the bed. I collapsed onto my elbows over her. But then she pulled me onto her. My cum was the glue. We hugged and kissed, tasting a bit of me from her.

We lay there in each others arms, holding one another, appreciating the afterglow. This was making love again. She started to cry, then I became teary eyed. So much pain, so much hurt. We've come so far. We've become solid again. What a difficult journey.

I caressed her back, and she my arms and shoulders, but I have no idea for how long. It didn't matter. We had waited until we got enough things right between us, enough things right between is to go forward together.

"Thank you Dan, thank you for this start." She caressed my cheek. "I wanted to ..." and she broke off and became silent.

"They still work on this side Cathy, and it looked like they worked on your side?" She smiled as she nodded yes. "The new one is a bit less sensitive, but yea, it still works."

I hugged her and stole a kiss from her. She followed by rolling me on my back, molding her body against mine. "I am whole, aren't I?"

"Yes Cathy, you and I are whole again." We lay there and nodded off. It could have been a few minutes, or hours. We woke up in each others arms, when I had to go to the bathroom. Now that's really romantic. But we had already begun to chill and when I returned, she was under the covers, awaiting her turn for the bathroom.

After she left the bed, I turned on the space heater and removed the chill from the room. It was warm by the time she returned. Getting on the bed at the foot board, she climbed over my legs till she straddled me. Then she pulled back slightly, positioning her pussy above my cock, slightly grinding into me. There was no sorrow left on her face, her love for me came flooding out. I started to stiffen when she started rocking back and forth.

Gently, she used her pussy to stroke my cock to full attention while her mouth licked and kissed my face and neck. A tongue into my ear was followed my her hand guiding my hard cock into her. She closed her eyes then fully mounted me and sat upright, motionless. We were both savoring the feeling.