Death a Bit Premature

{The rambling is intentional..lol}

For the second Month in a row my $901.20 Social Security check did not arrive.

Now that was a bit of a problem, it also meant the Medicare payment wasn't taken out of my check, which I also discovered when the receptionist asked me for payment after my Doctors office visit.

The receptionist looked at me like she didn't believe me when I told her to see my wife Debra. Hell, Debra was just down the hall in one of the other rooms with a patient.

"Oh, OK." The lady said once she figured out that Debra really is my wife. Every time I go in there they have some different old lady behind the desk, I am not sure why.

That's a pain in the ass. I asked Debra about that once, she just told me it was training so that all the clerks can get used to all of the system.

It's also a bit of a pain in the behind to have to see a different Doctor since my wife is one of those registered Nurse Practitioners. Ethics or some crap like that, that doesn't make sense to me either.

It's a bunch of crap to have to pay to see my wife Debra's office partner when I have a perfectly good medical professional in bed with me every night.

Of course when I did finally get in there to see the other lady, she had me in a gown and my dick in her hand before I hardly got settled.

Curious to see what Debra had managed to catch I guess, since the wife is more than twenty years younger than me.

The lady Doctor probably figured I must have one of those five dollar foot longs to catch Debra's interest, that's what I told the wife anyway.

All she did was laugh at that.

"More like $3.50 and seven inches!" She giggled.

"She stuck her finger up my butt, now I don't have any secrets at all!" I managed a pretend moan.

Debra giggled and rolled her eyes at me, then headed for the kitchen.

I suppose she had to probe me, I am 68 now and when I go to take a leak it comes out a drop at a time usually, sometimes I am in there 15 minutes. I get done or think I have and I make it maybe 20 steps and have to turn around and go back.

That means on goes the rubber glove and up my butt, I have had so many fingers up my behind the last year of so I am actually getting used to it!

I can't say as I like that much.

Well. Maybe a little bit.

Anyway, I called the Social Security office, I didn't even know which one, I found the number in the phone book. I was wanting to know where my check was. Damn government anyway, they couldn't run a single seat pay toilet, this isn't rocket science. Send my check to my account so I can spend the damn money, what's the big deal?

Easy stuff, it's how our economy works! The government gives us money, we spend the money, then the government takes it all back in taxes from the places we spent it.

Then they just send it out again, that way we never run out, right?

Right.

The lady tapped on her computer, I could hear that in the background.

Then there was a long disconcerting silence.

"That account has been discontinued, Mr. Magnusan has passed away." She said.

"I sure hope not, because I am Dan Magnusan." I told her, thinking this was some kind of a lame joke.

There was quite a conversation after that, which ended poorly. Numbers, that is today's world, everything and everyone is just numbers.

"I am sorry, there is nothing I can do!" and the line went dead.

I said some choice words, on the loud side I guess since Debra came out of the kitchen.

"What's wrong, honey?" She asked.

"The government still says I am dead."

"What? That has to be a mistake, some kind of clerical error, you look pretty alive to me." She grinned. That was probably the 3rd or 4th time we had had that same conversation.

"It isn't funny, they won't send me my money and they canceled my insurance."

"I will check into that at the office tomorrow, we have your records there. It should be easy to fix."

Government? Easy?

Yea, sure.

I had a sinking feeling about that.

I called Fargo, North Dakota, which is where the main Social Security office is out here.

I know damn good and well why it is there, too. It's cold as hell there, so it will be a cold day in hell before anyone can get anything fucking done at all!

"Tap tap tap tap." I heard in the background. Then the lady had that tone in her voice like I was interfering with her online video poker game or something.

Same answer.

"There is nothing I can do."

That night in bed I was still so upset that I couldn't manage to get it up, even after Debra oiled up her big boobs and wrapped them around me. The dang thing just kind of squeezed out from underneath.

"Maybe you are dead!" Debra laughed. I didn't find that one bit funny either.

+++

The next day Debra got home from the clinic.

"I don't get it, all of our records are in order." She told me.

"Say, did you check at the hospital? I was in there overnight 4 months ago for that damn bleeding ulcer. Probably some clerk over there butter fingered the report. I seem to remember the old guy two doors down kicked the bucket and they were trying to give me his medicine the whole damned time I was in there."

"I will check on that tomorrow, and I already paid the insurance for you. They should refund that once we get this sorted out."

I nodded.

Yea, sure, the government sends out refunds.

+++

The next day I waited in line for an hour, finally getting up to the counter at records. A bored looking woman sat there staring at a computer screen over the top of a cheap pair of reading glasses.

I swear she must have weighed around 350 pounds, plus she had on a blouse that displayed about two feet of cleavage like they were cute or something.

They were so big and stuck up so high I was thinking she had a couple of 2 by 4's underneath them for braces.

That stuff doesn't interest me much, but I did stand on tiptoe to get a better look. I couldn't quite see her nipple, though.

"What?" I asked when I realized she was asking me something.

"Account number please?" She asked again. Big grin on her face too, she had caught me taking a look.

After giving her my Social Security and telling her the problem, she typed in the number.

"I am sorry, you are dead, sir." She said.

Honest to God, word for word.

"Well, I ain't, it has to be a mistake."

"Nothing I can do." was the answer.

I was starting to get damned tired of hearing that. On the way home I stopped and bought a bag of candy, Debra throws a fit if I eat any of it but damn it, I like candy!

But she can't catch me doing that, I am clever.

The clerk at the checkout appeared to be about 12 years old, she rolled her eyes at me and took a pair of scissors and chopped my Visa card right in half!

"What the FUCK are you doing?" I yelled.

"This card is invalid." She looked mildly frightened at my outburst.

"Well, try this one then." I handed her my Master card.

That was a mistake, she did the same thing to it.

"Well, just FUCK!" I blurted out.

No way in hell was I going to give that bitch my Paypal card, I had maybe $35 in there from stuff I peddled online and I knew damned good and well what a pain in the ass it was to get one of those cards like mine. Hell, I signed up way early, they still paid me 1.5% cash back on that money.

My current auction was up to $6.30 too, it was an old brown bottle I found out in my garage. I wanted to save up $100 so I could buy me a new fishing pole, get my $1.50 cash back.

"What?" I said to the clerk once I realized she was saying something.

"I need you to step aside, sir, I have other customers." She was standing back from the counter about five feet like I was a fucking robber or something.

I turned around and walked out leaving the sack of candy on the counter, she picked up the phone as I did. Four blocks down the street a Cop stopped me, had me get out and lean over as he patted me down. He checked my driver's license, next thing I knew I was in handcuffs.

"What in the hell am I being charged with?" I asked. Damn it, there is no law about saying "fuck" in public, I don't give a shit if the clerk was only 12 years old.

"Identity theft, credit card fraud, your documents are all invalid."

"I am Dan Magnusan, damn it. There is nothing wrong with my documents at all!" I protested.

"Tell it to the judge, bud." Off we went.

The back seat of police cars stink to high hell, let me tell you.

"Hey, somebody puked on the floor back here!" I complained.

He looked up at me in the mirror, didn't say anything.

Debra had me out of there in less than two hours.

I started making phone calls, by now every credit reporting agency on the planet had me listed as dead. Now that sounds easy to fix and it should be, but if it ever happens to you, you will find out.

When the government says you are dead, go get a shovel because you are dead!

After three more months and a pile of money spent on a lawyer I was still dead.

He appeared to be very good at just one thing, sending out statements for "billable hours."

At least I was back to being able to get it up, Debra saw to that. But I couldn't even drive my fucking truck, that same Cop seemed to be always parked out by the highway waiting for me. I just parked the fucking truck after the second ticket for driving without a license.

That really pissed me off, now I couldn't even go fishing because the jetty out into the ocean was four miles and I couldn't walk that far.

I couldn't buy anything at all unless it was cash.

I did go back to that store and bought the bag of candy, partly so I could glare at the clerk and partly because I wanted some. I paid cash, giving the little bitch that got me arrested a dirty look. Walking the six blocks back home, I hid what was left over under the seat in my truck.

Debra would never think to look there.

+++

The Judge did look closely at me and told me I didn't look very dead, then he snorted like that was funny or something.

My usual sense of humor was in the toilet by then.

"What?" I asked, realizing he had said something else.

"I said, why don't you just call Social Security and explain?" He told me.

I just gave him a blank look.

"Case dismissed." He banged his gavel.

I finally managed to get my driver's license reinstated, after paying the two fucking tickets for driving with no license.

Debra made pretty good money so she just kept my pocket full of cash.

As far as the government and any credit card companies were concerned, I was still dead. Even Debra tried and tried, she sent in the records changes and they came right back, still dead.

At one point I told her that maybe I was dead and this was what hell was like, I was on the crabby side at the time.

Debra gave me a big hug, telling me she was sorry and it would all work out.

Dealing with the government was impossible, even when I got them to the point of recognizing my voice, they still insisted I was dead.

I was feeling pretty down, Debra picked right up on that.

"We need to perk up your mood, honey."

"How do we plan on doing that?"

"Something different than that candy you have been eating." She grinned.

"Candy, what candy?" I went into my I am innocent mode.

"The candy you hid under the seat in your truck."

"Damn it!" I pouted, making her laugh at me.

"How about we have July come over and give you a nice rubdown? You have been a little off lately, I bet your Prostate is acting up again, isn't it?"

"What? No, actually it isn't that bad. July? Why would you...oh!" I laughed.

July was one of the staff out of the hospital, before Debra and I got married she gave me a full body massage which I had expected, and a glorious hand job which I didn't expect.

While working my Prostate with her other latex gloved hand. Nobody ever did that to me before.

OK, I admit it. I liked that.

I did tell Debra I would never dream of doing that again, besides July said there wasn't much wrong with me and wouldn't.

OK, I am lying about that, it was fun. I probably would too have had her over again. But still, now Debra and I are married, no way in hell would she go for that, that is what I said to her.

"Sure, why not? It's just hands, and might perk you up." She grinned at me.

"What makes you think she even would, after all she told me I didn't need her." I asked.

"I will just ask her to." Debra grinned.

"You mean? She will, if you ask?"

"Sure."

"I think you are kinky, babe." I told her with a silly grin.

"You are right about that, but you do have that slow stream problem and she maybe can help you with that!" She giggled.

"You could help me with that!" I laughed.

"This might be more fun." She giggled.

"You know that she..does more than just a plain massage, right?" I asked.

"Of course I do." She grinned.

"So why don't you get upset?"

"Why would I get upset, it's part of her job, perfectly legal since July is an RN. Men have..issues..and she tries to help them."

I shrugged, then went and checked to see how my auction did. $11.50, not bad at all for something I nearly threw away. I printed that and the payment out, went and found the bottle and boxed it up.

"I go in touch with July, she says she will be glad to come over." Debra said, setting a big roast on the table.

I looked up at her with a grin, I could see she appeared to be excited at the idea.

I have to admit that my new wife Debra never ceases to surprise me, but I can't really say that I mind some of the stuff she does all that much.

Being a Doctor, she has dicks in her hands all day long so things like that are no big deal to her.

Then on our honeymoon in Reno she ran around the whole time with no panties on, teasing the hell out of me trying to get me going.

That worked, too.

So what the hell, if she wanted July to give me a massage, I wasn't about to complain.

I damn near forgot about being dead just thinking about it.

+++

July showed up that evening. She had on a blue full length smock, her hair pulled back into a bun, she looked like...well?

Like a nurse.

I glanced at Debra for some kind of reaction and got none at all, except she just winked at me. She was settled in in the living room, watching some silly chick movie.

July chatted with us for a little bit, then she went into our spare bedroom and set up her table. Debra got up and came over to me, gave me a hug. Then she sprayed me with that pheromone stuff like she does all the time.

"What did you do that for?" I asked.

"It makes you smell nice, and women like this stuff." She grinned.

Just then July appeared in the doorway.

"Ready?" She smiled.

I was quickly stretched out naked as a jaybird on her table in our spare bedroom, no nonsense about drapes this time.

It didn't take very long for July to get me relaxed, she sure is magic with her hands. I have to admit that July does know what to do to a human body, she had me purring in no time at all. I used to go get massages before I got married, when I could save up enough money to afford one. The professional ones felt good but they ignored my behind and my tummy, the less than professional ones mostly rubbed around for a few minutes and then grabbed my dick.

More than once I thought that two of them should get their heads together, one to do a massage and the other one to do the rest, they could make a fortune.

"What?" I asked, realizing July had said something.

"Ready to turn over, Danny?" She was smiling, she had one hand right on my bare butt.

"Uhh...OK." I turned over, this was neat, I was already nice and hard. July did the same magic on the front of my legs, and she wasn't being careful to avoid anything, either.

Then she stroked my erection, I didn't even mind the latex gloves. Reaching down behind my leg, she lifted one knee and turned it outwards to the side. She really didn't try to massage my Prostate this time, instead it felt like she was playing around back there.

That was fun, I used to love to go get naughty massages when I was single, but had given up on that since now I had Debra there all the time.

The only real massage like this I had gotten was once in Reno on our honeymoon, Debra had set that up. She also set things up with July a few months back.

Of course July's service was strictly medical, I know because she told me that.

Of course.

Yea, sure. Anyway, during the session I happened to mention my problems with the Social Security, just in passing. I was trying to not think about that but finding out you are dead is something that isn't easy to forget.

Even during a massage.

"Too bad you don't have a big life insurance policy." She laughed. That registered on me, for a few seconds my dick started to go limp, but then whatever she was doing down there made me respond again.

+++

"How was that?' Debra looked at me with a look like my mean Cat gets just before the bird gets it. Damned if she didn't appear on the horny side.

I really was beginning to realize just how naughty my wife Debra actually is. We could make a fortune setting up a website called "Naughty Nurses dot something", except somebody already did that.

I know, I have it book marked.

"OK, I guess. You are lots better, but it was still fun. I am surprised that you would even allow that." I told her.

"Honey, that stuff is no big deal, and I want you happy." She smiled. Then she turned my way, all she had on was one of my T-shirts. She hiked up her knee which exposed her snatch. I love it when she does things like that, damned if my old pecker didn't start to poke right up again.

Not bad for being 68 years old, not bad at all.

Hell, I was going to have to see July more often. Of course the little blue pill I took does help some.

I damn near forgot about being dead there for awhile.

"That stuff is perfectly all right, I just don't want you fucking her or anybody else." She told me, panting. I was giving it to her pretty good at the time. It took me a few moments to answer her because I was sort of busy planting some seed right about then.

"I don't think she would, anyway. But something did come up." I said as I rolled over, sweating.

"Yea, I know." She giggled.

"Not that. July said it was too bad we don't have a life insurance policy."

"Yea?"

"Well, we do. You bought those policies when we got married, for funerals and all of that? I never paid any attention to that, how much is it?"

"There is a half million dollars on each of us, why?"

"A...half MILLION? Wow! I didn't know that."

"I just wanted us both protected, just in case and we can afford it so why not? What does that mean?" She sat up, curious about what I was getting at.

"I am dead and I can prove it, is why. Half a million? Damn! That will pay for one hell of a funeral." I grinned.

"Wouldn't that be illegal, honey?"

"I don't want to collect it, but I bet if I threaten to they will figure out what to do." I grinned.

Fifteen days later I was alive again. In just over a month and a half I got all of the back checks for my Social Security, my insurance paid up and the amount credited so the next half dozen or so of my checks had no withholding for the insurance.

It seems that life insurance companies prefer to collect premiums, they don't enjoy paying out on them at all. With a few hundred well paid lawyers on staff, it is amazing the things they can get done.

They didn't send us any statements for "billable hours" either, so I fired the other lawyer.

The medicare insurance company even paid for my "therapy" sessions with July, even though Debra got half of them herself.

July just billed it to them as me, we figured they had it coming. Doctor's orders and all of that, easy to do when one has a wife for a Doctor with an office partner that thought that was funny as hell.