Cold River

Present Time

"I said not tonight."

"You've said 'not tonight' every night since you...."

"Don't say it," his wife told him coldly. "Just...don't."

"I'm not Superman, honey. I can't live like this."

"I don't know what to tell you, Scott," she said, her back turned to him the way it was every night these days.

"Sutton. This wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault," he told her yet again.

"I know. Shit happens. You've said that before, remember?" she said without feeling.

"You know what? I'll stay on the couch tonight," he told her trying not to let his frustration turn to anger.

"Or you could just run back to her," she said quietly without any emotion.

"What? What the hell are you talking about? Run back to who?"

She had no idea why she thought about his incorrect choice of words, but it was 'run back to whom' not 'run back to who'. She didn't say it out loud because it was petty in the extreme. In fact, there really wasn't anything left to say at all.

She knew about the affair. She'd known almost as soon as it started. But since she lost the baby twelve weeks after getting pregnant after fourteen long years of trying and being told they couldn't, there just wasn't anything more she felt she needed to say.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Scott," she said just as emotionlessly.

Losing control her husband yelled, "You know what? I'm sick of this shit, Sutton!"

"Then leave," she said quietly as she buried her head in the pillow.

She heard him slam the door, and a part of her wanted to cry. But that was something else she just couldn't do anymore. She'd cried every day for weeks, and now she was cried out. She was also emotionally wrung out and was at the point where she really didn't care whether or not she even woke up the next morning anymore.

When the door slammed shut she didn't even flinch. She just lay there staring into the darkness wishing the pain would somehow just go away.

*****

Six Months Ago

"It's really hard for me to keep trying," she told him.

"Trying? Honey, it's more than that. For me, at least. I need to be with you. I'm not even talking about having a baby. I just can't live like a monk. Sex doesn't always have to be about getting pregnant," he said pleading his case.

The truth was they'd been trying since they got married in 2003. Both of them had been tested, and the problem was Scott Davis's very low sperm count. Getting pregnant wasn't impossible, it was just extremely difficult, and while he'd long since given up on having children, his beautiful wife, Sutton, hadn't. More than anything she wanted a child, and lately she'd been considering other possibilities.

No, she would never, ever have sex with another man, not even to have a baby, but she would gladly allow herself to be artificially inseminated provided Scott would go along with it. She'd only brought it up once and that had been two months ago. Scott had cut her off at the knees telling her there was no way on earth he'd ever raise someone else's child.

His reaction had hurt almost as much as her inability to get pregnant and since then, her interest in sex had only decreased. There was no other explanation for it as she'd always enjoyed making love. In fact, she probably enjoyed it as much as her husband. But when he was unwilling to even take her feelings into account and have a mature discussion about something so important to her, the thought of letting him 'crawl all over her' was something she just couldn't do.

Shortly after his curt response, he'd begun working more. At first it was just staying late. Then he began needing to work most Saturdays and even an occasional Sunday.

Sutton couldn't prove he was having an affair, but all the signs were there. Simple things like a whiff of someone else's perfume on his clothes or her husband having showered before leaving work when he worked in advertising which was an indoor-only kind of job—one he was extremely good at and one that allowed Sutton to stay at home and enjoy the finer things of life. But things did very little to make a woman happy when love and support were the things she most wanted. Those and a baby. Most telling was his own lack of interest in lovemaking with requests coming less often from him as the days went by.

Somewhere around four months after her having been shot down in flames, both he and Sutton were inexplicably in the mood and after a romantic evening together they'd made love in a way they hadn't in a very long time. The afterglow lasted almost three days, and then the same symptoms began to reappear.

Had she not been driving by a cafe with outdoor seating two weeks later she probably would never have known. But she had, and just as she was passing by, traffic came to a stop. When she glanced over to her left, there was her husband sitting at a table with the very attractive young assistant from work he'd hired less than a year ago named Ashley.

It wouldn't have necessarily been a big deal had everything else been going well at home as something like that wasn't unheard of, and Sutton would have been just fine with them having an occasional lunch together. But when she saw him smiling and looking at her the way he did, that raised her concern level. When he leaned over and kissed her on the lips, her deepest suspicions were confirmed.

Sutton Davis had never felt so sad or all alone in her entire life as she did driving home that day. She was so sickened by what she saw that she went to the bathroom and threw up. And when she threw up again the next morning, she attributed it to the anger and hurt from they day before. But when it happened three more mornings in a row, she couldn't help but wonder...what if?

Hoping against hope, she bought yet another home pregnancy test, and when it came up positive, she briefly forgot all about the affair. In fact, she didn't even care. She knew why her husband was cheating and also knew she could forgive him if he would call it off and devote himself to her—and their baby. Nothing else mattered and she couldn't wait to tell him. If she was actually pregnant, that is.

She made an appointment with her doctor for the next day and when she gave her the results, Sutton's entire outlook on life changed. She couldn't wait to tell Scott no matter how me might react. She was having a baby with or without him.

To her incredible surprise, Scott had been 'over the moon' and couldn't stop talking about becoming a father or how happy he was for both of them. He went on and on about being a 'new man' who would dedicate his life to their son or daughter and to the only woman he'd ever loved.

Without saying a word to Sutton about the affair, he told his assistant the next day it was over. To say she was unhappy with his decision was the understatement of the year. She was furious and told him she'd never let him go; that he'd made a commitment to her, and because of it, the one he'd made to his wife was therefore irrelevant. She wanted to be the only woman in his life and made clear that would happen—or else.

To his credit, Scott dealt with the anger and the threats and didn't give in. He no longer had any desire to be with anyone but his wife again, and all was well with the world—or so it seemed.

Believing the affair was behind them without ever so much as mentioning it had happened, the happy couple was making plans for a room in their very spacious house they'd set aside as a nursery years ago. Sutton was not only making herself available for her husband on a regular basis again most nights, she was enjoying sex more than she ever had.

She spent her days enjoying planning and shopping and preparing the nursery, and her evenings having dinner with her handsome husband and then either making love or just holding one another again as they fell asleep in each other's arms.

Life had never been so perfect until the day Sutton felt the unmistakable trickle of blood. Panicked, she'd rushed straight to her doctor's office where her OB-GYN saw her immediately and confirmed her worst fears. Sutton had had a miscarriage.

Too devastated to even call her husband, her doctor had done it for her.

"Can you possibly come pick her up, Mr. Davis? I don't think she should even drive home in this condition," the doctor had told him after gently breaking the news to him and apologizing for their loss.

Sutton sat in silence the whole way home then fell into her husband's arms and cried as soon as they got inside the house. When she could no longer cry, she went to the nursery and sat there until late at night when Scott finally convinced her to come to bed.

Even though she heard every word he said, she found herself unable to respond. The next day was no better nor was the one that followed. In a monumental effort, she forced herself out of bed the following day and also forced herself to go through the motions of her daily routine, but there was no passion and little emotion.

Seeing even this slight progress, Scott continued to hope things might improve to where they could start trying again, but they never did. Sutton was a hollowed-out shell of herself—unable and again unwilling, but for different reasons, to offer herself to her husband.

The telltale signs began appearing again as Scott's resolve faded, and Ashley was once again a very happy young woman.

Present Time. Two Days Later.

After walking out on his wife and returning to his lover the night he'd gotten so angry, Scott was racked with guilt to the point he couldn't live with himself. He'd made a shambles of his marriage, and now when his wife needed him most, he'd betrayed her again and could no longer stand to even look at himself.

He didn't know whether or not it was too late, but he vowed to do everything in his power to repair the damage, and that included moving to a place they'd talked about living for several years—a city called Cold River—a city that was located in rural Idaho couple of hours away from Boise.

They'd gone there once looking for property to buy and use as a summer home and eventually, a place where they could retire. It was quiet and private but not so isolated they couldn't get to a city like Boise within a reasonable amount of time.

"If Sutton will agree to move away, then I'll give you two weeks formal notice, but I will be leaving," Scott told the man he'd worked for since 2002. He left out the affair even though he was pretty sure everyone at the firm knew about it or at least suspected. Because he was so good at what he did, blind eyes were turned and no one had ever said a thing.

He walked out of his boss's office and asked his assistant to step into his.

"I'm done. No, we're done. And this time it's over," he told her.

Just as she'd done before she vowed to never give up, and this time she promised to make his life a living hell. Ashely made it clear she'd tell his wife if he forced her to.

"I don't give a shit," he told her. "I've probably screwed things up beyond repair, but I do still love my wife, and I'm going to give it one more try. And if you try and tell her, so help me God I'll...."

"What? You'll kill me? Ha! You're in love with me, Scott. You can't kill me anymore than you can forget about me. You can run away—again—but you'll be back. And unlike your aging wife, I don't care about children. I want you, and make no mistake, my love, I will have you. And that is a promise," she told him in no uncertain terms as she walked out.

That evening, Scott came home and found Sutton staring at the TV. It was on but she wasn't watching. He turned it off then knelt beside her and told her he wanted to talk.

He told her everything. He confessed being unfaithful and made no excuses for it. He told her how much he still loved her and that he'd do anything—anything at all—if she'd give him just one more chance.

"I'll even consider options I refused to talk about before. Just don't leave me, Sutton. I love you, and I need you, and I'm as sorry as I can possibly be. And...and I think it's time we moved somewhere new and started over. From scratch. New house, new job, new city, new...everything. You and me. Together."

When she heard him mention he'd consider other options, her brain reengaged for the first time since the miscarriage, and she sat up and listened. As she did, she watched his eyes and saw the need in them. She felt the sincerity in his words, and if he really did mean them, she thought she could agree to try.

"So...this affair. It's over? For good?" she asked now feeling hopeful for the first time since losing the baby.

"Yes. It's over. Done. Honey, I have no excuse. I was just so...."

"Don't. It's okay," Sutton told him. "You were right. You're not Superman. You're just a regular guy. And while cheating is wrong for any reason, I can't imagine living with someone who...who's never available. It doesn't make it right, but I do understand. Just assure me you don't love her."

"Love her? Honey, I've never loved anyone but you. That was...physical. It was nothing but physical. So, no, I most definitely don't love her," he told her even as he wondered whether or not he really might. For now, he didn't care. Saving his marriage was all that mattered, and regardless how he felt, he had to say and/or do, whatever it took.

"Then, yes, I'll move to Cold River with you. And we can start over. But I also need to know you're really okay with...other options. You understand that means 'someone else's child', right?"

"I do. And if that's what it takes to make this work, then yes, I'm okay with that," he said feeling like he'd just won the biggest victory of his life.

"Okay. Then...let's do this. How soon can we move?" she asked feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders.

"Two weeks. I told work I'd give two weeks notice, but we can get the movers set up and start looking at houses in Cold River on line and get ours on the market right away," he told her as he saw her smiling for the first time in weeks.

Sutton was back on track and 'in her element' as she started doing research and making phone calls to moving companies and realtors. But more importantly, she was able to really look into those other options in depth, and her heart sang when she thought about becoming pregnant again.

She couldn't even allow concerns about Scott possibly changing his mind to bring her down. She'd never say it out loud, but this time she knew she was going to get pregnant no matter what happened. If he stayed with her and loved the child like their own, she would be thrilled. If he did change his mind, she would raise the child herself and love him or her no matter what. But she would be having a child once and for all.

For now, all that mattered to her was that she finally felt hopeful again.

Twelve days later, they moved out of their empty home and into a motel. Three days after that they were on their way to Cold River where they would meet their new realtor and choose between three beautiful homes. They'd narrowed down their on-line search in no time, and all three of these remaining homes were very acceptable. It was just a matter of choosing the one that worked the best for Scott's new job and for the baby—or babies—they'd be having.

Choosing the specific house was easy. It was just under 4,500 square feet with six bedrooms and four bathrooms and less than fifteen minutes from Scott's new job. He would be working mostly from home and only going to the office occasionally, as he could do nearly everything he needed to do with the aid of a computer, a phone, and a few other essentials.

Even without the sale of their previous house, they were able to pay cash for the new home knowing they would make a very tidy profit from their other house which was now in escrow as they'd received a full-price offer with a week of it going on the market.

Sutton busied herself with putting the house together and decorating each room to include the nursery. Within two months, the house was nearly perfect, Scott was settled in with his new job, and it was time to start doing more than just looking into those other options.

Sutton's new OB-GYN was wonderful and referred her to a fertility clinic in town she said was truly top notch for a city of any size let alone one with just over 35,000 people in it. After her first visit, Sutton agreed. She'd been made to feel completely welcome and each option was throughly explained with the pros and cons of each addressed to her satisfaction.

Scott had gone with her and seemed as interested as she was, and by the time they left, both of them felt they had the information they needed to make the most informed choice they possibly could. Each option was expensive, but money wasn't an issue for the Davises. In fact, Scott's healthcare plan covered most of the expense for such treatments making the financial side of things a complete non-issue for them.

Having tried fertility drugs in the past to no avail, the couple had to decide between options with complicated-sounding names like intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ISCI), gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT), and zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT).

Scott deferred to his wife who felt most comfortable with in vitro, using donor sperm as her first choice, and they agreed to give that a try. The only remaining task was to select a donor, and that's where Scott began to balk.

"You go ahead and choose, honey. As long as you're comfortable with the donor, I'll support you," Scott assured her.

As before, his concerns came back. Scott still couldn't stand the thought of knowing anything about this 'other man'. Just thinking about 'his' sperm being inside his wife didn't sit well with him to say the least. Were he to stop and actually try visualizing this other guy, it would make him angry in a hurry so he chose not to think about it at all.

Even though Sutton would have preferred he look through each potential donor's 'stats' with her, she agreed to trust him, and struck out on her own flipping through page after page of potential donors as she sat in a very quiet, very private booth at the clinic.

After a full day of looking, she narrowed it down to ten and after thinking about it all night, further reduced the numbers to three the following day and finally to just one; the lucky, unknown father-to-be of her future child.

She knew her donor was 24 years old, 6' 2" tall, had dark hair and blue eyes, an athletic build, and no known history of any genetic disorders or disease. Thrilled with her choice, Sutton told her husband she'd made it and was ready to get started.

He was less than enthusiastic but still interested enough to allow her to stay happy, focused, and upbeat about the possibility of finally, after all these years, having a baby.

Each cycle took between 4-6 weeks, and Sutton was cleared to begin her first round after passing a very thorough screening and physical exam process. She would need to spend about half a day at the clinic each time then return home and wait.

When the first two cycles didn't produce any...fruit...she was undeterred knowing it often took multiple attempts to become pregnant. And as it turned out, the third time really was a charm.

When her doctor told her she was indeed pregnant, Sutton was the one who was 'over the moon' with excitement and couldn't wait to share the wonderful news—again—with her husband, and dialed his number before leaving the clinic.

"That's wonderful, baby," he told her in a hurried voice when she called him at the office where he'd been spending a lot more time of late.

"I hate to cut things short, but I'm right in the middle of a presentation. Can we maybe go out to celebrate later tonight?"

"Oh, sure! Sorry to interrupt, honey. I just couldn't wait to tell you! I am so happy! Thank you for agreeing to this, Scott. Your support means everything to me," she told him with all the sincerity she could muster.