Some said it was poison. Some said it was nagging. All the locals knew for sure was that Beth Laveau's husband was dead. Since then, the old crone retired to a modest seaside cottage outside town.
After two forgotten years Beth broke the silence and placed a room for rent on Craigslist. I braved the steep hills, peeling paint and gnarled hedges to inquire within.
My knock was answered by a squat gray haired 50ish hippie with thick granny glasses and a loose sunflower print dress.
"Namaste" she greeted. "I'm Beth. You must be Davie."
"Yes Ma'am" I replied. "David Brenner at your service."
She invited me to her cozy kitchen where she poured us each a steaming cup of licorice jasmine tea.
"You work?" she asked.
"Yes, part time at Happy Wings." I answered.
"What do you do with the rest of your time?"
"Study. I'm in my final year at U-Tech."
She nodded.
"Campus is a bit of a hike. Why would you want to live out here?"
"I need a quiet place to focus on exams and assignments. I'm tired of cramped dorms, loud music and beer pong."
She wrinkled her nose like she'd just smelled bullshit.
"Tired of beer pong? What kind of college boy are you?"
"The kind who's desperate not to flunk."
She narrowed her gray eyes and stared me down like a naughty child.
"No drinking, no drugs, no girls. You have your bedroom. The kitchen and bathroom are shared. Rest of the house is off limits unless I need you for an occasional chore. Rent is due on the last day of the month at 5 PM sharp, no exceptions! Agreed?"
I paid a deposit, signed the lease, and unloaded the boxes from my green Dodge Spirit.
Night came quick. The crashing distant waves lulled me to sleep.
***
I should have stayed in the dorms!
The loud music and chug chug chants had nothing on Beth's morning yoga routine. By 6 AM the house reeked of tear inducing incense and the air roared with new age synth music. Her mantra was a mishmash of fake Hindi and Baptist tongue talk that scared the seagulls from the roof.
Thank God she stayed in her room.
Her "occasional" chores were near daily demands to paint the house, clear the gutters, trim the hedges and mow the lawn.
One day she banged on my door.
"Davie... DAAAAVIE."
I closed my textbook and turned the handle. She held a pair of grass stained Nikes by the heels.
"Who's are these?" She demanded.
"Mine"
"What are they doing by the front door?"
I sighed.
"Don't be that way with me mister. Your things belong in your room."
She tossed my shoes in the middle of the floor and slammed the door.
Another morning I woke to her knocking like a deranged mobster. She opened my door before I could reach the handle.
"Do you know what today is?" She asked.
"Tuesday?" I replied.
She scowled.
"It's the 30th. Last day of the month. Where's the rent?"
"I'm picking up my check after class. You'll have it tonight." I assured.
She scoffed.
"Tonight? You either bring me money by 5 PM sharp or you'll be picking clothes off the lawn and sleeping in your rusted green shitmobile."
I sighed.
"Fine."
She cocked a finger at my forehead.
"Next time look at my face when I'm talking."
I had been until she said that. Her shapeless dresses left much to the imagination, but nothing worth thinking about.
***
After three months my grades improved, but Beth made home a hellscape. No longer content with landscaping, she recruited me to fix dripping taps, hang pictures and install towel hooks in the bathroom.
My best was never enough. Taps still dripped, pictures were always "crooked". She made me reposition the towel hooks several times until they reached the exact height and angle she desired.
She kept accusing me of checking her out. If I averted my eyes she'd claim I was ogling through a reflective surface. I wanted to grab her by the face and scream "Get over yourself".