"I should probably get going, huh?" he asked his daughter.
"I guess so. Thanks for bringing me, Dad," she told him.
"I wouldn't have missed it for the world," he told her truthfully. "I'd apologize for staying three whole days, but knowing I'm saying goodbye forever, I won't."
She got up to hug her father. "Dad, it's not forever. It's only until Christmas break. I'll be back home the day after school's out."
Gary Fields knew it wasn't literally 'forever' but he also knew it would be in the sense she'd almost certainly never live at home again. She'd been his rock since her mother, Grace, had passed away a little over three years ago.
In many ways, his daughter Pamela, had been stronger than he'd been. Grace's death had devastated him and were it not for Pam, he felt certain he'd have found a way to be with his wife of 20 years by now. But Pam had some kind of unseen inner strength he admired and had leaned on time and time again just to get through one more day.
After her death, he'd buried himself in his work, but it just wasn't the same without her. The money kept rolling which was a good thing as his 'baby' would be going off to college in another two or three years, but he was bringing in far more than he spent. College wasn't an issue anymore because Grace insisted her husband pay for all four years of their daughter's tuition with the money he'd receive from her life insurance policy. The rest would go into investments until she went to school and be used to pay for room and board.
With college paid for and Gary having no desire to go anywhere or do anything, he was sure anything he earned would just sit in the bank and collect dust until death mercifully came one day and reunited him with the love of his life. And then—Pam could have it all. The house, the money, and anything else he owned at the time. They were just things and without either of his 'girls' at home, they were of little value to him.
His only child, his little girl, his daughter, was now safely at college, in her dorm room, and Fields really liked the nice young lady she had for a roommate. She was now completely set up, and Fields knew there was no justification for staying any longer so he hugged his daughter back—hard—and held her for a few seconds.
"You know how much I love you, right?" he said quietly.
"Yes. I love you too, Daddy," she said calling him by her childhood name for him for the first time in many years.
"Okay, then I guess it's time...for me...to head home," he said wiping away a tear he'd fought not to let fall.
"Hey, stop that!" Pamela said sweetly. She put her hand on his cheek and said, "Dad? You really need to find someone. I know you don't want to, but you need someone. You're only 41 and...well, all my friends say you're still really...handsome." She smiled then added, "Actually they say 'hot' but that's kind of creepy."
He smiled understanding how hearing that about her own father must make her feel. Still, Fields did say in excellent shape by swimming at least a mile every other day. Along with cooking, the career he often wished he'd chosen instead of real estate, swimming was his only other escape from the aching loneliness that never seemed to go away. As to Pam's friends, he also felt reasonably certain they would quickly add, "For a guy his age" when they said he was hot or whatever word kids used these days. Growing up, guys were called hunks and girls were babes. Now they were all just...overheated.
"So will you please promise me you'll at least try or at a minimum be open to looking for opportunities to find someone? Please?"
He wanted to tell her, "Sorry but—no. Not now, not ever," but couldn't. Anything his daughter wanted, she got. He hadn't always spoiled her and she had the character to prove it. But since her mom died, she was all he had and making her smile was the only thing he lived for. Okay, the perfect soufflé was pretty rewarding, but that was different. So when his Pammy wanted something, he gave it to her. In this case, he smiled and told her, "I can do that. The trying part, that is."
"So what are you going to do when you get home? Besides work?"
"The only thing I can think of is taking a trip to New England. It's the last part of the country I've never been to." He choked up briefly then fought it off. "Going alone doesn't seem like much fun, but next month is going to be beautiful up there."
"Oh, right! The leaves will be changing. Yeah, that'll be awesome. Take lots of pictures, okay, Dad?"
"I will, honey," he promised her. He held out his arms again and fighting back more emotion asked, "One more hug?"
"Yep. No problem!" she told him with a big smile as she did just that.
"Okay, then I'm outta here," he said reluctantly taking that first step out of her dorm room.
"Don't worry, Dad. I promise to call at least once a week and we can text all the time, okay?"
"Okay, honey. I'm gonna hold you to that," he said forcing a smile. "I love you, sweetie."
"I love you too, Dad!" she said as he turned and walked away. He swallowed hard several times and blinked several more then headed downstairs and out to the parking lot. He got in his car, looked at her dormitory one last time, then backed out and headed to Charlotte to start the rest of his life...truly alone. Maybe it was finally time to get the dog he'd promised Pam they'd get when she was five and every year until she quit asking but never did.
Pamela was less than three hours away at The University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, but she may as well have been on the moon as far as Fields was concerned. He made it as far as High Point before pulling over into a rest stop. He parked as far as he could from other vehicles and sat there for a few seconds before letting it all out.
There was no stopping it this time. He'd put it on hold for the last three years only letting drips and drops find their way out. It was time. It had to happen. Tears quickly turned to crying which led to sobbing as memories from the past flooded over him. Meeting Grace, their first kiss, their engagement, the wedding, Pamela's birth, her first steps, learning to read and ride a bike, her first date, her mother's illness and suffering, her death, and finally Pam's graduation from high school and ending with him dropping her off at college. He sat there and waited for it to run his course before pouring some water from a plastic bottle into his hands and washing his face the best he could.
"You big baby," he said out loud as he looked at his puffy eyes in the mirror before getting back on the road.
By the time he got home, he couldn't believe the difference in his outlook. It was as if a kind of emotional dam had burst releasing a torrent of toxic emotion that had built up over the last three years. For the first time since his Grace's passing, he felt...different. Not good. Not okay. Just...better. A part of him even felt...hopeful...and that felt really good.
He felt good enough that he decided to go for a swim in the pool in his backyard. Some 75 laps later, he was both exhausted and exhilarated. He showered, dressed, made a very extravagant dinner for himself, then opened his laptop and started researching his first-ever trip to New England.
Other than the foliage, he had no real idea what there was to see and the thought of just driving around and looking at whatever he could find appealed to him. He planned to see everything he possibly could while staying somewhere in northern Vermont. The only real requirement was a swimming pool. He laughed when he realized it also had to be heated pool. North Carolina got chilly in October. Vermont had to be downright cold.
