I stirred from my sleep, then sat bolt upright in bed... SMOKE! I SMELL SMOKE, THE FUCKING SHIP IS ON FIRE!
I spring out of bed, in a panic, rushing toward the rear hatch to investigate! But as I reach the galley area, I stop dead in my tracks.
Ingrid spins around at the stove and says "Sorry! I scorched one of the pancakes"
There on the counter by the stove, was a stack of pancakes, a plate full of sausages patties and a pan full of homemade biscuits.
"Didn't know which you would prefer, Pancakes and sausage, or biscuits and gravy, so I made both" Ingrid said as she continued to stir the pan of gravy.
"She's got her heart set on making you fuck a fat chick" Bob mumbles as she shuffled down the hall behind me, "Looks and smells fantastic" she says as she darts into the head.
Tom comes staggering down the hall as well...
"Her Majesty the Queen is currently seated upon her throne" I say, pointing to the closed door of the head. Tom paces back and forth, clutching his junk as he waits his turn...
Bob exits the head, then pitter-pats her bare feet over and plops down in a chair beside me, as Tom springs into the head behind her.
"Did anyone happen to catch the number of that fucking bus that hit me....my head is throbbing!" Bob says as she leans on her elbows and rubs her temples.
"Here, drink this" Ingrid says as she sets a shot glass of brown liquid in front of Bob.
"What the fuck is this?" Bob asks, looking inside the glass.
"Hair of the dog" replies Ingrid "Best way I know of, to cure a hangover... drink another shot of what gave you the hangover"
"Oh, fuck no!" Bob said repulsed by even the smell...
"Drink it" Ingrid implored "My daddy was an alcoholic, drank himself into an early grave. This is one of the few lessons he taught me, seen it work many times. My little brother and I stole some whisky from the liquor cabinet once and tried to prove we was a grown up...got sicker than shit, and daddy beat our asses good when he found out... let us suffer a bad hangover for a while, before he taught us this cure...It worked, but that is why I won't drink whisky to this day!"
"Just tip your head back and let it slide down your throat...will burn like hell...but you WILL feel better in just a few minutes, promise"
Bob gingerly picked up the glass, placed it to her lips, then quickly threw her head back and tossed the brown liquid down her throat.
She coughed and gagged and made faces for a moment or two as she caught her breath. Sat there quietly for a bit... " Son-of-a bitch, that really worked, my head don't hurt no more!"
"Told you" Ingrid said with a knowing grin.
We all thoroughly enjoyed our breakfast buffet. Helped Ingrid clear the table, then wash the dishes before going topside to prepare to shove off.
Tom kept looking over at the tin building on the dock, where we fueled up last night.
"Wonder if that is some kind of country store?" he wondered aloud.
"I don't know, I never went inside....do you need something?" I ask
"Yeah, kinda forgot to pack something important before we left. would not mind checking to see if the old guy has some, before we leave. IF you don't mind".
"Easy enough to slip over there in the john boat, we can wait right here till you get back" I say
"Go by myself?" Tom asks hesitantly...
"Sure, boat is easy enough to handle, I'll show you how to start it, then all you have to do is flip the lever to put it in gear, twist the throttle to rev the engine, and off you go. Just do not forget that boats don't have any brakes, so slow way down, BEFORE you get to where you want to go, then just putt, putt, putt along...till you can kick it out of gear and float right up to the dock. Tie it to a mooring cleat securely...so that it will still be there when you get back.
Tom gives it some deep thought, then says "Okay, I'll do it"
I help Tom get into the small boat in the water...he fires the engine up, just as instructed. Puts it in gear and gingerly increases the throttle. Might take him all day to travel that short distance, but I can see him beaming with pride as he operates the small craft by himself.
He returns a brief time later, still smiling from ear to ear.
As he crawls out of the boat, he has a brown paper sack that he hands up to me, to hold.
"Found what you were looking for, I take it"
His grin was even wider as he said "Yes, and the old man just gave me a whole big box for free!"
"What is it? I asked
CONDOMS! Tom replied "144 of them"
"Ingrid won't hardly let me get near her without I have one on".
"Old man asked if I was diddling one of those girls on the boat. and when I said yes... He just handed me the whole freaking box, told me to do her one time for him! Wouldn't take any money for it!"
We set about preparing to head down the river.
Just as we were getting ready to untie the mooring lines and leave...
I hear my cell phone ringing....so I answer and hear; "GOD DAMMIT DAD, WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
"On the Mississippi about halfway between Memphis and Vicksburg"
"Well, you need to get your wrinkled old ass home, right fucking now! Mom is so pissed I wouldn't be surprised if you don't cause her to have a stroke!" My son yells angrily
."So, what has set her off ... THIS time? I ask