An Actor's Life for Me

For non-American readers it may be useful to know that Broadway, off Broadway and off off Broadway refers to the number of seats a theatre has. Off off Broadway theatres have less than 100 seats.

THE STORY STARTS

I don't know why Max Somerfield, the New York Times drama critic, hates me and my Brooklyn Actors Group so much. He hasn't ever given us one good review. He criticises the BAG actors and actresses and even our Stage Manager.

BAG people call Max "a charmless cunt", "an ignorant prick", "a witless wanker", "a talentless turd", "a genital wart", "artistic genital herpes", "a toilet bowl stain" and such like.

My favourite is "Mr Condom". Max is called this because he doesn't allow artistic expression to fertilise.

Our lead actor, Pip said "If Max was on fire I wouldn't waste my piss to save the bastard's life. I would take out my prick and piss in the opposite direction just to watch his face."

James, another actor, said "If Max were married I would fuck his wife in front of him, on his wedding anniversary, on our stage. and send him the video as a present."

An actress replied "I pity the poor bitch that marries Max."

Our stage manager, Heather, observation was "I hope they don't have any children. One Max in America is one too many." She probably hated Max even more than I did because she provides us with excellent stage settings for the limited budget we provide her with. Max forgets that she only has one tenth of the budget that a Broadway production has.

An actor said "He was a waste of his father's sperm and his mother's egg."

Continuing the conception theme another actress said "Let's hope there's nothing in genetics."

This was a quote from Guys and Dolls, made by the long suffering police officer to the likeable rogue character played by Frank Sinatra,

ABOUT BAG

BAG has made its home in an off off Broadway theatre, which is quite an achievement for a Brooklyn Actor's collective. Probably the most unkind thing Max wrote was "BAG started with good intentions, but has got lost in an off off Broadway cul de sac. It needs to go back to its founding principles and start once again with the vigorous and eventful plays and staging. It needs root and branch reform."

Sometimes, well often, Max's reviews get me riled up. I take refuge in the fact that many people still come to watch my plays despite his reviews. But it takes me days to put a bad Max review behind me.

Sometimes I decide not to read them. But then, hope springs eternal, and I throw caution to the wind and I read it. I chastise myself for being weak and giving in to my curiosity.

In the privacy of my small Brooklyn apartment I have been known to shout "Fuck Max and fuck his fucking reviews.” By now my neighbours must know who Max is, even if they don't read that rag he writes for.

Every time Max reviews us he says how crap we are, although he uses more elaborate language. In my opinion BAG is capable of filling off Broadway theatres. But his reviews keep us in our smaller venue.

Perhaps its because Max isn't married and is sexually frustrated. We BAG members feel that, if he got a good shag, the miserable bastard might lighten up. Then we heard that Max had got engaged. BAG members were hopeful of good reviews.

As one actor said "Perhaps Max getting a leg over may give us a leg up to a bigger venue theatre."

We all supposed that Max's intended would be a plain Jane. Max isn't an oil painting and so we expected he couldn't attract a looker. But we were wrong. We heard that Max had trapped Gillian Forsyth.

Gillian is a beauty and former Broadway actress. It seemed surreal that Gillian and Max would share a bed.

NUDE TOGETHER

I once knew Gillian from our time at the New York Conservatory for Actors. We appeared in an Alan Ayckbourn play on the Conservatory's own stage. We acted before an audience of 50 people, composed of fellow students and outsiders. They all got free tickets. We did the play 5 times.

Gillian was stunning and I asked her out on a date. She turned me down. Now she was going to marry miserable Max. The theatre gods have a wicked sense of humour.

An actress said "Max must have a monster dick to trap someone as beautiful as Gillian Forsyth."

THE AYCKBOURN PLAY - NUDE SCENE

The Ayckbourn play ends with 2 characters appearing nude, holding hands and jumping from a boat into a canal. I am not an exhibitionist so the idea of appearing nude was challenging. But it is a great play, with a great part for me to play, and the nudity is an integral part of the plot. I thought "What the hell, I'm only young once."

The director of the play suggested that we got used to seeing each other naked, since the 2 characters in the play are lovers. The director (a lady) wanted our on-stage nudity to be unforced and natural.

I went to a nudist beach in New Jersey to get used to being naked around people. It was fun seeing all those naked people and being naked myself. But it isn't a lifestyle choice for me, unlike those who have an all over tan.

One couple lay naked next to me. They weren't anything special but they were proud to display their bodies. We got chatting and I told them why I was there.

With their consent, I studied the way that they interacted. She never looked at his willy and he never fixated on her breasts or pubic area. I took that insight with me. I tried hard not to stare at Gillian's intimate areas, which was difficult. Mother nature makes us males like seeing a woman's hidden charms.

It was the first time Gillian had appeared nude in public. The director had a spare room where we paraded round naked together (with a chaperone present to stop any unwanted monkey business).

The worst part (for both of us) would be appearing in front of our student friends. The director appreciated that and so had a student only rehearsal. That rehearsal went swimmingly. So did all subsequent rehearsals.

Because of these 2 measures, Gillian was at ease being nude in front of me and (more importantly) in front of an audience.

A DIRECTOR'S JOB

A director's job is to try to get perfection from the acting and staging teams. After every show from the dress rehearsal onwards, they get the whole team together and tell them areas for improvements. These are called "notes". Our Director had only a few "notes" for us. This relative lack of criticism was heartening because she was, and still is, a working actress.

GETTING GILLIAN ONBOARD

Anyway, enough of this reminiscing. I had the idea of asking Gillian to join BAG. On the strength of her name, we would definitely sell more tickets. We might even be able to get an off Broadway theatre.

But I didn't realise what trouble I would get into.

To be continued