Amorous Senior

Since Enid had experienced a woman, she felt it was behind her and as much fun as Carol had been, and MIGHT be again, Enid was done. Hal was having trouble lately getting an erection since his hospital visit, and Enid was just fed up. She didn't blame Hal, it wasn't really his fault, but that didn't help Enid.

She was still keeping her vow concerning the contest she had sponsored with that group of guys; giving the blowjobs and loving every minute of it. She was also getting an occasional visit from her neighbor Hank, though Hank did not want to admit it, especially to his wife. Enid was looking forward to her 75th birthday in a few weeks. She had inadvertently heard that an early surprise party was being planned and had mixed feelings. Though she certainly appreciated her friends and loved the fact that they thought enough of her to throw her a party, she didn't know if she wanted one. She was enthusiastic and tickled pink about turning ¾ of a century old, one terrific mile stone, but she thought maybe just a quiet dinner and a few drinks with her closest friends, Ruth, Eileen and Roberta, and maybe some guy to take care of her needs later on in the evening would be nice. Eh, she'd just go with the flow.

Enid walked to the grocery store. She was in pretty good shape so a 2 mile walk was a joy for her, especially on this lovely spring day. She took in the sunshine and the birds singing, the warm breeze and the smells of freshly cut grass, the trees and flowers that filled her suburban neighborhood. It was a glorious day and Enid was in a glorious mood. She didn't wear earbuds for two reasons, one, they were for the young, not her and two, she preferred to hear what was going on around her rather than miss a siren, warning of potential danger or the nicer things. She had gotten a laugh out of the kid on the skateboard who was zipping down the street one day wearing those damn fool things in his ears. He was so 'into' his music and his dancing on the board, he didn't notice the cop trying to direct him away from the construction site and the kid went straight past the cop, the traffic cones and the barriers and into the hole. He broke his arm and Enid, who was only a few feet away, burst out into such a fit of laughter that at one point the cop ran over to check on her, ignoring the ignorant little snot in the hole. Enid liked to hear what was going on around her. She never texted or spoke on her phone either. She'd seen the results of that all too often as well; people walking into poles, fountains, people, dog leashes, fences, etc. Enid just paid attention to her surroundings. When someone would say, "That's just so old fashioned and out of date," Enid would reply, "It's kept me alive for this long, let's see how long what you do keeps YOU alive!" She was her own best example of how to be safe. She also carried mace, just in case; that made her feel safe also.

Enid strolled into Ferdinand's Market and grabbed a carriage. She stopped and bought some grapefruit juice, some cold cuts and a couple of frozen dinners. Coffee was next on her list as well as some filters for her coffee maker. When she got to produce, she was looking over the various vegetables and fruits. When she got to the cucumbers, she was trying to decide which one looked freshest when the young man beside her proved HE was the freshest. As Enid picked one up, the young man said, "Mine's bigger than that," as he held up a larger cucumber. Enid replied, "I beg your pardon?"

The young man added, "Oh, my cucumber, it's bigger."

Enid looked him square in the eye and said, "I've seen 'Animal House' more times than you've changed your underwear kid, but I appreciate the game. Did you want something or is this just some random act of crassness?"

The young man was stunned and found the words to reply, not forthcoming. He put the cucumber down and sort of shuffled off looking dejected. Enid found it funny and pathetic at the same time. She did, however, pick up the cucumber he had chosen and bought it. It WAS bigger.

On her way home, dragging her little grocery cart behind, she happened upon the young man. He was probably about 21 or 22, probably home on Spring Break and bored. He wasn't a bad looking kid, kind of nerdy, but hey, Enid didn't really like to judge...as a rule. Sometimes she just couldn't help it, she was human after all. He was sitting on a bench by the main street just staring ahead. Enid walked up and sat down next to him. After a short silence, she nudged him and asked, "So, what was that all about?"

At first he didn't want to talk, hoping she'd just go away and end this humiliation that he felt he somewhat deserved. She nudged him again. "Talk to me kid. I'm not mad, just curious." Then she added holding out her hand, "My name is Enid, and you?"

The kid just sort of sighed and then taking her hand said, "I'm Clyde."

Enid pushed the issue, "So, tell me Clyde, you often hit on old ladies on grocery stores using lines from movies? You WERE hitting on me, right, not just screwing around?"

Clyde shrugged. Enid nudged him again even though she honestly believed that people who do a lot of nudging are pains in the ass. "Talk to me kid. What's going on?"

Clyde sighed again and said, "I don't know. I guess it seemed like fun. I really didn't think it through. I've always been told that older women are excellent lov..." he immediately looked up at Enid and apologetically blurted out, "Oh, not that you're OLD, I just..."

Enid cut him off, "Kid, I AM old and damn proud of it. For a woman of my age, I'm holding up pretty damn well and if you were going with this where it seems you were, I'm very flattered." She patted him on the shoulder and smiled. He seemed like a nice kid but Enid never trusted anyone right off the bat, too many crazies in the world. "So you were going to say older women make better, what?"

"Lovers. It's hard to explain my true mindset without sounding like a dick...oh, sorry, an idiot. I should watch my language, out of respect, of course." Clyde meekly added.

"Clyde my boy, I consider myself a lady (she thought, 'a dirty lady!') but I've been known to fucking swear from time to time. The consideration on your part is appreciated, however." They both laughed at that one. "So go ahead, you tell me what was going through your mind when you approached me, but could you do it while we walk to my place so I can put my, well my stuff that WAS frozen, away?" Clyde agreed and they began to walk.

"Well, to be honest, and please, if I start to sound like an idiot again, say so," he began with Enid just nodding. "I'm 20 years old and a virgin. I'm sick of being kidded about it. I've had no luck at all with the girls at school and I'm literally dying to get laid...sorry, be intimate with a woman. I've always heard that more mature women are often more receptive to guys and can teach them shi...STUFF. I saw you and kind of followed you around the store. I thought, 'she's pretty healthy looking and not too bad looking.' And I thought I might, just might have a shot if I was clever. Plus, I could see you weren't buying a whole lot of stuff so you probably lived alone, like, you know, no husband. That also led me to believe you probably hadn't had sex in a while and maybe could use a young guy to rejuvenate your sex life. Pretty stupid, huh?"

Enid took all this in. "So, he doesn't think I'm TOO bad looking, eh? He stalked me. He seems to have a good mind in figuring out I'm alone. Is that a sign he's a lunatic?" All this was going through her mind and she finally spoke, "Clyde, you seem to have given a lot of thought to all this and stupid is not how I would classify it." She stopped walking for a moment and turned to look at him. "You don't want an old lady, do you? You want someone your own age, not some prune, right?"

"I would NEVER call you a prune and I don't even know you," came his immediate response. "I have to say, I'm not really sure what I want. The girls at school...there are lots of hotties but even the ones I'm interested in seem to have no interest in me and frankly, I'm not sure what I'd be doing if I did get with one of them. I'm almost as afraid of failing as anything else, you know, in bed. I've seen plenty of porn movies...oh, sorry, you probably think I'm sick for that."

"I wouldn't say that," countered Enid. She added, "Pornography has its place and can be instructional. I'll give you that. Oh, and yes, I've seen a fair share of it, some good, some great, some pretty scary, so don't worry about that. Be open and stop apologizing for anything you say, unless of course you insult me outright. Then you'll be apologizing on your ass from the sidewalk."

Clyde understood and began to realize this woman was pretty amazing. His grandmother was amazing as well, but if a whole different genre. He continued, "Don't get me wrong, I have dated, a girl in high school and one in college, but it never went anywhere. I was afraid I'd do it wrong and she didn't seem to really care that I didn't try anything, neither of them. Two dates in high school, four in college. A make out session was it. I see older people on TV and in real life and see how well adjusted so many of you are and how comfortable you are in your own skin. You've been there, done that and it's like so little fazes you. I don't think I could ever have a romantic relationship in the traditional sense, we'd have nothing in common, but oh, just to know how to make love and to learn from someone with so much experience, well assuming you've had any. Do you have kids?"

Enid almost burst out laughing at that statement. Experience? Enid could show Ron Jeremy a few things! She said, "Yeah, I've got three kids, of course they're grown now. So, yeah, I've gotten laid, as you put it. But I'm curious, why a 74 year old instead of say, a woman in her 30s? You're a kid, anyone over 25 is an older woman for you."

Clyde looked shocked for a moment, then he stammered out, "YOU'RE 74?!?! I thought you were like a hundred!"

Enid dope slapped him. "I said I'd put you on your ass. That was just a physical warning. Next time you'll need an ambulance."

She wasn't all that angry, she remembered when she was 20 and everyone over 30 looked and seemed 70, but she wasn't about to just take that unintentional shot. "Continue and distract my feeble old mind before I crack you again."

Clyde wasn't really sure what to do or say at this point, that smack to the back of his head really did hurt, but he continued as she commanded, he didn't dare not. "So, what I was saying was, I figured a woman in her...older, would have gone longer without and actually, as nervous as I was approaching you, I hoped if I screwed up, you would never remember my face anyway." He stopped, scrunched up his face half expecting to get smacked again and added, "The more I say, the worse it sounds. I really should stop."

Enid somewhat agreed. They got to her house and she said, "Kiddo, I've enjoyed the talk. Give me your phone number. I'll think about your situation and get back to you."

"Seriously?" was all Clyde could say.

"Yup. Just tell me the number, I'll remember, trust me." He did and she did.

Enid went inside and put her groceries away then sat down to watch some TV. Nothing really interesting was on during the day so she decided just to drop by the Senior Center and visit some of her chums. When she arrived she was greeted by Roberta and Ruth. Carlotta quickly left and went to join some of the others who judged Enid harshly but Roberta and Ruth pulled her over to where they would be playing bridge with Lucy. The three immediately asked what latest adventure Enid had taken. Enid simply said, "Nothing really. I'm kind of dwelling on this kid I met today. He wants his first experience to be with an older woman. I'm trying to figure out if he's legitimate or just yanking my crank."

Roberta piped up first, "Is he cute? I could substitute for you if you're reluctant. I haven't been screwed in three years."

They all got a kick out of that but Roberta added, "OK wise guys, when was the last time YOU got any action?"

Ruth cleared her throat and bid first. Roberta insisted she answer and Enid just looked on over her glasses. Ruth finally divulged that it had been almost ten for her. Lucy on the other hand was seeing another regular of the Senior Center, Clark. Clark was a handsome man of 77 who was also a heck of a dancer. He had taught ballroom dancing at Arthur Murray in years past, in fact he had only quit three years ago due to a dispute with the new manager who wanted a 'more youthful' set of instructors. Clark had been asked to give up some hours. He said he'd give up ALL his hours and walked out. Within six months the place had closed. The 'kids' didn't know how to dance with any finesse and Clark refused to ever set foot in the door again. Business had dried up and the new manager was forced to eat crow. It didn't matter; Clark told him to pound sand and simply enjoyed his retirement, and Lucy, apparently. Lucy was doing the same with Clark.

These were the wild gals of the Senior Center, Enid being the wildest and second in command. Eileen was actually 'in-charge' but she was busy baby-sitting her grand kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Maybe Ruth and Roberta were on a very long dry spell, but they still loved a good story and could tell some great ones from back in their hey-day.

But, getting back to the kid, Enid said, "He seems sincere. He IS pretty cute but he's a baby. He's only 20. Would you believe he tried to pick me up doing the scene from 'Animal House' with Mrs. Wormer and the cucumbers?"

They got a kick out of that, Ruth almost dropping her teeth she was laughing so hard. "Was his BIGGER?" she asked.

They all liked that one, too. Enid got semi-serious at that point and said, "You know, I just might call him when I get home. What the hell. Hal has been pooping out on me lately..."

"Adult diapers, they work for me," Roberta chimed in. This got another round of laughter from the girls. The grumps on the other side of the room simply scowled at the hussies' laughter. Laugher from that crowd could only mean something obscene.

The girls played their game and when it was almost over, Clark came over and whispered something in Lucy's ear. Lucy smirked and shooed him away, saying to the girls when he had left, "Guess who's getting lucky tonight?"

The game ended not long after and Lucy practically ran towards the front door and to Clark's waiting Oldsmobile. They left the parking lot so quickly, poor old Abbie Abercrombie had to almost dive out of the way. Abbie being 94 barely got around as it was, sudden movement like that could have been fatal.

Enid said her good-byes and left for home, dropping Ruth off on the way. She was mentally sharp as a tack and her reflexes were nearly perfect so no one ever even considered suggesting she turn in her driver's license. The drive home was a bit tricky due to construction, but Enid just sang along to the local rock station. She actually liked a lot of the current music but classical was still her absolute favorite. She could identify any piece by any composer without batting an eye. When she did get home, she made herself a little dinner and decided right there and then to call Clyde. "Clyde, who the hell names their kid CLYDE in this day and age?" she wondered aloud. Then, she called him.

Clyde answered on the second ring. Not recognizing the number on his cell phone, he simply said, "Yes, hello? Who is this?"

"The tooth fairy, but I LEAVE teeth and take money," kidded Enid. Clyde recognized the voice right away and she could hear some excitement in his voice. "I've been thinking about our talk. I have one serious condition."

"I'll bite, what is it?" Asked Clyde, going with the tooth fairy theme.

"This weekend, I want you to take me on a date. Dinner and maybe a movie or, we'll play it by ear, but I want a date."

"That's all? I'd love to," was Clyde's reply. "What time. Do you want to pick a restaurant or do you want me to?"

"Again, it's a DATE, not you taking out your grandmother. We have to hold hands and even kiss at some point. Still sound like a plan?" Said Enid adding the one catch.

"Sure, it would be an honor."

Clyde passed the test. He was more than willing to be seen out with an old lady, DATING an old lady. The other catch that Enid didn't let on to was that they were not going to make it to dinner. She was going to take him as her date to her 'surprise' birthday party. Of course, she didn't know about it, or that was what everyone believed. Ruth had let it slip accidentally a week earlier. Ruth felt terrible about the slip, but since her memory was going, she actually forgot by the next day, thus ending her guilt trip.

Clyde and Enid set the time as 6 p.m. on Saturday evening stating she would pick him up at his dorm and ended their phone call. For his part, Clyde was even more excited about this than Enid imagined. Clyde had, as he admitted, lousy luck with girls. He wasn't a bad looking kid at all 6' tall, athletically built, good hair, but he was a bit shy and felt no confidence. He had even been somewhat pursued by a girl at school but he hadn't caught on to it and she eventually threw in the towel and ended up dating his roommate.

Clyde figured he just might gain some confidence with the help of this old lady. Then he caught himself. He mulled over his classification of her as 'old lady'. She was 74 and she said she was proud of being old, but was she really? Chronologically, yeah, she was old, but Clyde saw that she was far from 'old' in any other sense. Enid had such a youthful way about her regardless of the outward appearance and in all sincerity; she didn't even look that old to him. Clyde was truly beginning to appreciate mature women, at least this one. On a whim, he went over to the college library and looked up a movie he had once heard about called "Harold and Maude". He brought it back to his dorm room and watched what some considered a classic film about a younger man falling for a much older woman.

He watched the entire movie and was disappointed that Ruth Gordon didn't have sex with Bud Cort. He did find it somewhat entertaining though and was glad he had watched it. "I wonder if Enid's ever seen this?" he thought to himself. Then, he went to bed. Classes tomorrow would take up a good portion of his day and he wanted to be alert.

Enid spent all of Friday planning what she'd wear on her date. Again, knowing she was going to a surprise party, she didn't want to overdo it, and yet didn't want to UNDER do it either. She picked out a nice pants suit, dark blue pants, a lighter blue jacket with a yellow turtleneck underneath. "I'll stand out," she thought. She'd go with her navy blue flats. Her days of heels were well in her past and would often say, "What is the point of risking your life on those damn things anyway?"

Otherwise, she just relaxed all day, waiting for the call to set up the excuse for going to the party. She wondered who would call and how it would work. Then, her phone rang and it was Roberta. "Hi there, what's up?" asked Enid.

"Say, are you busy tomorrow night?" began Robeta.

"Just so happens, I have a date, why what's going on? Whatever it is, I could always bring him along."

Roberta hesitated but then, after sighing and clearing her throat said, "You know what, why not. I was thinking of us girls getting together at that new Italian restaurant, La Prima Napolitana. Interested? I've been dying to try it. Say around seven-ish? And sure, bring what's-his-name."

"Clyde," responded Enid.

"Who's Clyde?" asked Roberta.

"What's-his-name, his name is Clyde. Holy Shit Roberta, you're getting as bad as Ruth."

"Who's Ruth?" Roberta was kidding, this time, or so Enid HOPED.