A Dying Request From My First Love

To love denied and love discovered

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I was sitting in an easy chair, reading an excellent history of the Allied Italian campaign in World War II.

My doorbell rang. I wasn't expecting anyone.

"Probably some salesperson," I muttered to myself, but out loud.

I opened the door. A woman was standing there. She looked vaguely familiar.

"I'm really not interested in buying anything."

"Mr. Mangelsen, I'm not selling anything. My mother told me to come and see you. Naomi."

Naomi.

"I'm sorry, but what does this have to do with me?"

"Could I please come in so I can explain?"

"Of course. Come on in. Just turn left into the living room. I forgot to ask your name."

"It's Francesca. Francesca Richards."

"And you're Naomi's daughter?"

"Yes."

"Why did Naomi sent you to me?"

"She's dying."

It was a blow. After all these years of trying to forget Naomi. Now she's dying!

"Where is she?"

"At home. In Wellington. She's in hospice care."

"I'm so sorry! Cancer?"

"Yeah. She's been fighting it for years. The cancer is winning."

There were tears in my eyes.

"I haven't seen her in a long time. Over thirty years. We didn't part on happy terms."

"She told me that. She said it was her biggest regret."

"Why did she send you to me? To tell me that?"

"Partly. She told me you should have been my father. She asked me to get to know you."

"Wait! What! Do you know what happened between us?"

"I think so, but I'd like to hear it from your perspective."

"Where do I start? I loved Naomi! We were in grade school together. In 8th grade, she was the first girl I kissed. We went steady all through high school. I graduated a year before her and joined the Air Force.

"We wrote, at least as much as was possible. I went home on leave and was there for her graduation. That night, I asked her to marry me."

"She told me."

"She turned me down! Wouldn't give me a reason. After all those years."

"There was someone else. She didn't want to hurt you. She still loved you."

"She loved me, but married another guy?"

"Yes. Unhappily. My father walked out when I was three. She never heard from him again."

I sat silently, absorbing what she told me.

"She told you I should have been your father? What does that mean? Look, Francesca, to be blunt, Naomi and I never had sex."

"No. She didn't mean it that way. Gerald Richards was my father. There was no question about that. You saw her the first week of June, right? At her graduation, right?

"I was born November 27th."

"She was pregnant?... That's why she turned me down?"

"She was ashamed to have cheated on you and paid the price by marrying a man she didn't love."

I was crushed.

"She was too ashamed to tell me?"

"I think so."

"So what did she mean, I should have been your father?"

"It might be best to hear it from her. This isn't what she asked me to do. I just think both of you need this."

"I never stopped loving her. I never married, Francesca. I never met a woman as wonderful as Naomi. I was mad. Bitter for years."

There was silence as I thought.

"Of course, I want to see her. I have to see her! Wait, Francesca..."

"Please call me Fran."

"Ok. Fran, you said she told you to get to know me. Why."

"I don't know. Really, Mr. Mangelsen..."

"Sam. Please, just Sam."

"Sam... I really don't know why she told me that, but she was insistent. She said it over and over."

"Ok, let's exchange cell numbers. First, I need to go see her. Will you go with me?"

"She asked me not to. She said if you wanted to see her, you should come alone. She wasn't even sure she wanted to see you, but I told her you would probably come."

"Text me her address. I'll go now."

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It was a straight shot up I-25. Less than an hour. I realized I might not get there in time. How will it be to see her, after all these years?

I found the address and rang the doorbell. A woman answered.

"Hi, I've come to see Naomi. An old friend."

"Hello. I'm Anne. Come with me."

She led me to a bedroom at the back of the house. An older home. Looking worn. Signs of a difficult life. Walls that needed fresh paint years ago.

There she was. In bed. Asleep.

I sat in a chair beside her bed. She looked... very different. Years do that to us all, but this was more than years, wasn't it? She was 49 years old, but at death's door. Why was I ever angry with her? Why had I never opened those letters, written what? Sixteen years ago? I burned them, bitter and angry.

Naomi opened her eyes. "Sam."

"Naomi. Fran came to see me. I had to come."

"I'm happy."

Her voice was so weak, yet distantly familiar.

I held her hand.

"Sam... I never should have said no."

"That's ok. A long time ago."

"No. Wrong. I wrote... apologize."

"I'm sorry. I was angry. I'm ashamed to say I never read them."

"It's ok. Gerald left... so ashamed... I needed you."

"I never stopped loving you, but I was hurt."

"I know... biggest mistake... I love you, Sam."

"This might be hard for you, but I now know--I just learned--you were pregnant when you turned me down. Is that why?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Too ashamed."

"Fran said you told her I should have been her father. What did you mean?"

"Gerald left... no father for Fran... I wanted you... come, marry me... be her father."

"That's what you wrote to me? I'm such a fool, Naomi!"

"Not too late... Sam... love her..."

She closed her eyes. That was all the strength she had, for now.

"I will," I whispered.

I asked her hospice worker, Anne, if there was some paper I could write on. I wanted to write Naomi a letter. Would she read it to her? She assured me she would.

Dearest Naomi!

I failed you many years ago. I can't say how I would have reacted had I known you were pregnant. However, if I had not been such a proud fool, if I had read your letters, I would have come to you. I would have married you and raised Fran as my child.

I failed both of you. We would all have led happier lives if I had not been so proud and stubborn.

I feel awful knowing it is too late for you and me, but it is not too late for Fran. I promise. I will do anything to help her. Anything I can. You can go in peace, knowing all will be well with Francesca.

I love you, Naomi. I always did.

Sam

I wept as I drove home.

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The next morning, Fran called. Anne had called her to tell her Naomi died early this morning,

"Anne wanted me to tell you she read your letter to Mom. She said she smiled. She still had that smile an hour later when she passed."

"I'm sorry, Fran."

"Sam, what did you tell her?"

"Fran, do you have time to come over so we can talk? We have a lot to talk about."

"Yes, Sam. I'd like that. I'll be there in about an hour. Is that ok?"

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"Fran, I'm deeply ashamed of my behavior years ago. Your mother was ashamed of what she had done. She had cheated on me. Too ashamed to tell me.

"That's not the part that eats at me. After Gerald left, she was undoubtedly in trouble financially. Single mother of a three-year-old. No job skills.

"This is the part I'm ashamed to tell you. Your mother decided to contact me, and beg my forgiveness. She hoped I would come, marry her, and raise you as my daughter. I would have done that, Fran. I would have! But I was too proud. Felt too hurt. I burned her letters without reading them!"

I sobbed.

Fran came and sat next to me. She put her arm around me.

"It's ok, Sam. You are the finest man Mom ever knew. She said saying no to you was the biggest mistake of her life. Bigger than getting pregnant. Sam, she knew how deeply she had hurt you. I think she knew it was a long shot. But look, she and I made it through."

It took me awhile to get over my tears. Fran had both arms around me. Holding me and waiting.

"Fran, I need to get some water. Can I get you something? A soda, water?"

"Water, please."

We sat together in silence. I realized why Fran looked vaguely familiar. I could see Naomi in her face.

"Fran, what's done is done. At least as far as your mother is concerned. But what about you? Tell me your story."

"I grew up not knowing how poor we were. Mom worked two jobs for as long as I can remember. When I turned 16, I realized how hard she was working, so I got a job. I've worked ever since."

"You never went to college?"

"I couldn't. I wanted to, but we had no money. I should have looked for scholarship or grant money, but I didn't know anything about that. No counselor told me, either. Even had I known, I needed to support Mom.

"When I was 18, just about to graduate from high school, Mom got sick. They said they got it all, but it eventually came back. Once she was sick, she only worked again for a short time. I had to care for her and support us both.

"We lost our home finally. A kind neighbor, Anne, offered us the home where you saw her and refused to allow us to pay rent. Without her, I don't know what we would have done. I guess we would have been on the street."

"Oh, Francesca! I wish... "

"Shhh. That's in the past. Please, stop punishing yourself. Mom never blamed you. Not once. All I ever heard from her was what a wonderful man you are."

That didn't help my emotions much. I was in the mood for a proper self-flogging!

"Where are you working now, Fran?"

"For a mobile phone store. It pays decently well."

"If you had gone to college, what would you have studied? Humor me, ok?"

"Ok. I wanted to be in a pre-law program. I wanted to practice law. Help the disadvantaged in society. There's no guarantee I would have gotten in to law school, though."

"Why do you say that? How were your grades in high school?"

"Almost straight A's."

"Did you take any AP classes?"

"Calculus, Physics, English. I loved them! That brings back good memories. Water under the bridge now though."

"Fran, come over next Saturday. Let me cook dinner for us. It'll be nice to cook for two! I'd like to spend time and get to know you better."

"I'd like that. I want to get to know you as well, after hearing all about you from Mom!"

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In between was Naomi's funeral. A memorial service. She had asked to be cremated.

Francesca spoke and told wonderful stories about her mother. Reduced me to tears repeatedly!

The next day was Saturday, a day that did wonders for my spirits! It was fun cooking for us. Fran came early and helped me in the kitchen. We were joking about random things. She is funny! Such a positive outlook, despite all the tough years!

As we ate, I had questions I hoped she would answer.

"Who was the neighbor who allowed you to live in that home?"

"You met her. That was Anne."

"I thought she was a hospice worker."

"No. She spent time with Mom every day. That day, the hospice worker called and was sick. Anne was there when you visited Mom. With her when she died."

"I need to go see her. Will you go with me? This afternoon? Please call her and make sure she'll be home."

"I'd love to, Sam. Anne saved us."

"Let's hurry and clean up, so we can go see Anne."

"What else did you want to talk about?"

"That can wait. How about dinner again tomorrow?"

"Sure, but this time I'm cooking. Here, in your kitchen."

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Anne lived a couple of streets away from where Naomi and Fran had lived. Fran had called her, so she opened the door before we had a chance to ring the doorbell.

Fran hugged Anne and introduced us.

"Sam and I met before. Sam, it was nice to see you at the service. Where are my manners? Please come and sit.

"Sam, I need to tell you, that letter you wrote to Naomi was one of the most touching things I've ever read. I was sobbing after reading it to her. She just smiled. I'm convinced she felt she could leave us after that."

She turned to Fran. "Here's the letter, Fran. You need to have this."

Damn! There went my composure!

"It was a long overdue letter, but Anne, I asked Fran to come with me today for a reason. She told me how you came to their rescue when they lost their home."

"I wish I could have done more for them. Naomi was one of my dearest friends."

"You gave up a lot for her. No rental income. You still had to pay for property taxes and insurance. That was a sacrifice."

"It wasn't that much. I never saw it as a sacrifice."

"Well, I do. I'm trying to set a lot of things right. Things I should have been there for. I've come today to bring you this check---and don't even think about refusing this! This check is my attempt to thank you for what you did for Naomi and Fran. It equals 10 years of rent at $500 a month, but I'm going to treat it as a gift. So should you. No taxes on a gift."

"Sam, I don't know what to say!"

"Just let me give you a hug, Anne. You're a hero in my eyes!"

Anne was crying. So was Fran. Ok, I was, too.

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I took Fran home and slept better that night.

The next day, after Fran cooked a delicious chicken and rice casserole for us, we sat on the sofa and talked.

"Thank you for what you did for Anne. It means a lot to me. Not just the check, but to see what Mom always said about you was true. I read your letter last night, Sam. Anne was right! I sobbed, too."

"If I had been a better man, you two wouldn't have lived in poverty. A lot of things could have been different. In my life and yours. I can't fix everything, but what I can, I will.

"Humor me and just answer. If you could go to school, if you didn't have to work, would you?"

There was a silence as she thought about it.

"How would I not need to work? How would I pay... "

"Just pretend. If you could attend the university, what would you study?"

"Probably still pre-law. I never lost that dream, I guess. But I would be so old... "

"How old will you be if you don't go?"

She laughed. "The same age!"

"Would your life be better?"

"Sure, but how... "

"Would you stop shooting down newly hatched thoughts!"

She could tell I wasn't mad. I was laughing as I said it.

"Ok. Ok! I'll humor you. Yes, I would attend the university, try to graduate in three years, and then apply to law school."

"I promised your mother I would be a father to you. I told her she could depart in peace, knowing you were in my care. I intend to do that."

"Sam! How can you... "

I was laughing. I put my hand on hers. "You must get over that habit of doubting me! Fran, you don't know much about me. Let me correct that, at least with the abbreviated version.

"When I got out of the Air Force, I went to college. I ended up with a Ph.D. in aeronautical design, and I started a company. We designed navigation systems at first. Later much more. A lot of defense work. Two years ago, I sold the company to a venture capital group and retired.

"I never married. Never had children--at least, until now. I had no one to spend money on. I have no debt and a shit load of money. I still do some consulting--when I feel like it. Right now, I can't imagine a better way to spend a tiny bit of the money.

"As far as I'm concerned, Fran, you're done working. At least until you graduate from law school."

"Sam. Mom didn't expect that from you!"

"You really need to learn to accept generosity for what it is, without protesting! If you must know, the only way I can begin to remedy the damage I did when I burned Naomi's letters, is to take seriously her request that I be a father to you. If you reject my generosity, you are rejecting your mother as well."

She laughed. "Ok, Sam! That's a low one, but I guess I have to bow to your wishes--Dad."

We hugged for several minutes. I would have loved being her father for the past 16 years!

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"Fran, where are you living now?"

"I have an apartment. I share it with two other women."

"How much longer is your portion of the lease?"

"Three months. I was considering moving closer to my work."

"I have a proposal for you. Move in here. I have an unused bedroom. It's not only empty, but completely empty. Let's go pick out some furniture for you. Come here. Keep me company and let's help each other out and get to know each other as we make up for lost time."

That afternoon, Fran and I went shopping. I had to get her to quit looking at the price--she wanted to choose the cheapest things. I finally had to threaten to make her pay me a dollar if she looked at another price tag. I don't have any idea how I could have collected it!

"I want you to pick out what you like. That's the only thing upon which to make your decision."

We bought a bed and mattress, a dresser and a nightstand with a lamp. Delivery on Tuesday. Fran will move in on Wednesday, after I meet with the landlord and agree on a buyout of Fran's lease.

Meanwhile, we realized she had an early application deadline coming up. I wanted her to get in on that, because it puts scholarship money on the table. We drove to her high school, and she got a copy of her transcript. She wasn't kidding! Tough classes combined with excellent grades.

I reviewed a letter she wrote to go with the application, explaining her desire to be a lawyer and how that got derailed by her mother's cancer. I recommended she include a paragraph about career aspirations.

It went in the mail a week before the deadline. I wish I had taken a photo of her smile as she dropped it in the slot at the post office! She immediately came and hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.

"Thank you, Dad! From the bottom of my heart!"

If often tear up when I hear "Dad." Fortunately, she often called me Sam. That was easier for me!

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We were told not to expect an acceptance letter for at least a month, and the school year would be starting in about seven months.

Fran missed out on a good life, courtesy of me. I wanted to find other ways for her to have some memorable experiences.

"Fran, is there a place you've always wanted to visit? Anywhere in the world."

"Machu Picchu."

"That just happens to be on my bucket list as well. Let's go!"

I called my travel agent and explained the kind of trip I wanted for us, including where I wanted to stay and the range of dates. The next day she emailed me a proposal. I had her lock everything in and use my card to pay for it.

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That night, we sat at the table with my laptop. I showed Fran the website for the Sanctuary Lodge and its location on a map. We would be driven by private car to the lodge and then have a full day with a guide the next day. Afterwards, we will spend two nights in Quito and two nights in Medellin before flying home.

"All of our hotels will configure our room with two twin beds. I hope that's alright with you."

"Sam--Dad--I saw the price for one night at the Sanctuary Lodge. Are you kidding me? That was for each night!"

"My dear daughter! For every $1,000 dollars I have, I'm spending less than 3 cents on this trip. That's the total cost, not just the Lodge. I'll probably make 150 times that amount in market gains in my portfolio this year.

"By staying at the lodge, we can spend a lot more time in the park, visiting the ruins. I also get access to the best guides. This isn't about me trying to impress you with the money."

"You're saying I shouldn't worry my pretty head about it!"

"Not in those words, but yeah!"

"Dad, I love you."