Zen And Revenge Might Not Mix

In my never ending quest to waste my talents, I present another easy target for the snipers.

APRIL FOOLS 2021

There have been many stories written about close friends suckering their spouses into believing an affair has taken place. Choose the one you like the best. This story picks up after the joke goes wrong. Or was it a joke?

Just troping along, as is my norm, as if I had a norm. Please read my profile for my stance on comments. Feel free to email suggestions or to start a conversation. Private messages work too

Brothers Gibb: "Now I'm crying but deep down inside, well I did it to him, now it's my turn to die."

= = = =

Faye's point of view:

"Geez you guys. I think it's hilarious how the two of you are over-reacting."

I regretted saying it almost immediately. Jordan was in my face and as angry as I'd ever seen him.

"YOU THINK ITS FUNNY BREAKING YOUR WEDDING VOWS, DO YOU FAYE?"

I was scared. Jordan's fists were clenched and his nose was no more than an inch from mine "Jordan, I didn't cheat. It was just a joke."

"A JOKE? OUR WEDDING VOWS ARE A JOKE TO YOU?"

Jordan's spittle was coating my face, but I was too scared to move.

"No. I'm sorry. It was a stupid joke. We didn't think it through."

"You're right. You didn't, because we might be through. If pretending to cheat comes so easily to you, how can I trust that you've not already done it? Practice makes perfect?"

From the side, I heard Rusty "Jordan, nothing happened."

There was anger in Jordan's curt reply "Shut the fuck up loser. Get the hell out of my house before I do something to you that I'll serve time for."

But Rusty was one dumb fucker "Jordan, settle down, it was just a joke."

That's when Jordan picked up the table lamp and started after Rusty. Thankfully the lamp missed Rusty as he fled out the front door. Still, the side panel of the door shattered when the lamp disintegrated into small ceramic pieces. I was frozen in place, afraid for my safety. Jordan had never raised a hand towards me, but I wasn't convinced that perfect record would last the night.

"Get your shit out of the master bedroom."

"Come on Jordan. There's no need for that. It was a dumb joke. We should have never done it."

"DONE WHAT? Cheated, or pretended to cheat?" as Jordan was back in my face.

"Pretended! Jordan, all we did was pretend. You know, play acting."

Angie, Rusty's wife, was still in the kitchen. She joined in the conversation.

"You think it's funny, destroying two marriages?"

"I'm sorry Angie. That wasn't our intention. We just didn't think things through."

While I was talking with Angie, Jordan headed towards our bedroom. The next thing I saw were my clothes being tossed into the hall. I really fucked up this time.

+ + + +

Things have been on edge ever since the practical joke. I really don't know if my marriage is going to survive. When Rusty and I pulled that stunt, faking a sexual encounter, we thought we were so clever. It was an absolute disaster. Jordan and I have started couples therapy, but it isn't going well.

We hadn't had anything to do with Rusty and Angie since that night. Then, Angie suggested we come over for a BBQ, to air things out. Talk about awkward. None of the usual banter was drawing return jabs. The evening sky was rapidly darkening when my head began to wobble. I hadn't that much to drink.

Jordan got up from his chair.

"Come on Faye, let's get you comfortable. It's going to be a long night."

Rusty gruffly barked "What the hell did you give me?"

Jordan replied "Don't worry Rusty, it'll wear off in under an hour."

I turned to see Rusty slumped in his chair, with his bobbling head trying to focus. Angie returned with a wheelchair. She took my right arm, while Jordan took my left. My legs weren't working so they struggled to plant me in the wheelchair. It was a short roll to our house next door. Down the hall to the guest bedroom, and then unceremoniously dumped into the middle of the bed.

Rolling me over, they had me flat on my back. Jordan and Angie helped each other undressing me. My arms weren't responding.

"Jordan! What are you doing? This isn't funny."

Try as I might to fight, my arms and legs had little strength. A minute later all four of my limbs were secured to the bed posts with ropes.

"Relax Faye. I'm going to put this ball gag on you so the neighbors don't get spooked. Angie, would you grab the blindfold for me?"

I struggled, futilely, but soon my world was dark and I was unable to voice my displeasure.

"We'll be back in a bit Faye. Don't fall asleep!"

I could tell that the bedroom light turned off. They had left a white noise audio playing a bit too loud. Something to calm me down I guess. After about ten minutes I felt that I was getting some strength back in my arms and legs. Jordan and Angie must be planning some kind of revenge, and I am more than a little concerned.

Not much later the door creaked open and I heard Jordan and Angie giggling. I thrashed around on the bed, but to no avail.

Angie spoke first "Looks like our little cheater is fully functioning again."

"Good. Have I ever got a special treat for you Faye" came from Jordan.

I gurgled, trying to object, which drew laughter from the pair.

I felt someone sit on the edge of the bed. It was Jordan, and he started talking.

"I found this old book about rain forest Witch Doctors. It's really fascinating stuff. Hundreds of years ago, instead of stoning cheating wives, they used leeches to suck the cheating blood from the woman's body. This is what I found in this lengthy treatise. According to legend, The Gigantic Amazon Cheating Leech extracts point three ounces of blood, before dislodging and falling off. The leeches only remove the cheating blood, leaving the pure blood behind."

As I listened, I was freaking out a bit. I hate creepy crawly things. Although, since Rusty and I had only fooled around and hadn't had sex, I was somewhat relieved. Then I smelled smoke and felt a hot stinging feeling on my belly.

"To irritate and activate the leech, I'm supposed to pass them over a flame, so I lit a candle. As I attach each leech you'll probably feel a little stinging which should diminish quickly as the leech injects its numbing poison into you as it attaches to your blood vessels."

I wiggled and gurgled my disapproval, to no avail.

Angie spoke "You certainly have a lot of those creatures in that bucket Jordan. How many are you going to use?"

"Well, I don't want to kill her, so I only bought twenty of them. That's only six ounces and a body has over a gallon of blood. She'll be fine, especially if she hasn't cheated."

"Guess we're going to find out, aren't we?"

The smug avengers were giggling as I felt another hot sting, this time near my right breast. The jerks were really enjoying doing this. I counted a total of twenty stings, just as predicted, all over my body.

"Sleep tight Faye. We'll see you in the morning" came from Jordan as the light went out and the door closed.

+ + + +

I felt nothing. The stinging pain, with each leech, lasted for only a few seconds. Now I lay here in the darkness hoping that these fucking leeches realized that I hadn't cheated. In my mind, it couldn't have been more than thirty minutes, but then I smelled bacon. My arms and legs were as strong as ever, but the ropes held me stationary.

Hearing the door open, and sensing the light back on, I heard Jordan.

"Good morning sunshine. OH SHIT! LOOK AT THEM! Those leeches are as big as tennis balls. Help me get them off!"

Angie was panicking "OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD! She looks like a raisin, all crinkled. These are tough to pull off!"

What's going on? I felt nothing. Jordan and Angie are grunting and I'm not feeling a thing.

"I'm not getting a pulse. You're a nurse, do something!" from a distraught Jordan.

I felt nothing. Nobody had touched my wrist.

"Move aside and I'll do CPR on her" came from Angie.

I felt nothing. Nobody was doing CPR on me. I heard Angie counting to fifteen and then gasping for air, but I felt nothing.

"Her body is cold. This isn't good. Let me see that Witch Doctor thing."

I heard pages rustling.

Angie angrily raised her voice "DAMMIT Jordan! A normal leech extracts point three ounces. These gigantic ones extract ten times that or THREE ounces. That's sixty ounces. There was no way she could have survived. And they don't always fall off. Sometimes you have to manually pull them off. I'm calling for an ambulance. You really screwed this up."

Jordan sounded horrible "I'm so sorry Faye. Oh gawd, what have I done?"

I gurgled. I thrashed around. I felt the bed bounce when I did that. Then the light went out again. I cried. I don't want to be dead!

+ + + +

I lost track of time, but it couldn't have been that long. The light came on again and I heard Jordan and Angie. There was a smell of something like rubbing alcohol.

Jordan's voice was somber "I can't believe she's gone. The paramedics said she probably died sometime during the night. Look at the ropes still hanging from the bed. She wasn't supposed to die."

What paramedics? Nobody has touched me. I'm still here! I thrashed about again. I gurgled as loud as I could.

"It's kind of eerie, like you can feel her presence" came from Angie.

"I agree. I'm going to get rid of the bed. This is much too painful of a reminder. Can you help me with the mattress?"

I felt nothing. Yet Jordan and Angie were grunting as if moving a mattress and box springs.

"Hey, one of those leeches rolled under the bed. I got it. Looks like it left a little stain on the floor."

The light went out. I cried and cried. I don't want to be dead! I haven't said goodbye to everyone. I cried even harder.

+ + + +

Billions of thoughts were bombarding my brain. Where's the white light? Aren't you supposed to see a bright white light when you die? How about all of my dead relatives? Weren't they supposed to greet me? Is this what eternity is going to be for me? Feeling like I'm tied to a bed, blindfolded with a ball gag?

Then the light came on and I heard Jordan and Angie again. There was a smell of flowers in the air.

"Well that was a nice funeral. I was really surprised at how few of Faye's friends attended" Jordan stated.

"I imagine they felt she crossed the line with her prank. And boy weren't you popular. Her casket wasn't even in the ground and those ladies were all over you, especially Loraine."

"I know. My pocket is stuffed full of little notes with phone numbers. The food that they've dropped off has really helped. It's so strange, living in this house. It's like I can feel her spirit."

"Me too! I've never been into that ghost thing, but it does seem like she's here."

"About the only good thing out of this is that I didn't have to decide whether to divorce her or not."

"Which way were you leaning?"

"Probably divorce. You just don't pull a prank like that on someone you love and respect. How about you and Rusty?"

"I had our attorney draw up a post-nuptial agreement. If he EVER cheats or plays another practical joke, I get everything."

"Smart thinking. I bet that would have worked for us too. Oh well, water under the bridge for me. Will you help me empty this room? I'm just going to leave the door closed from now on. The memories are too painful."

I tried again. Please don't think that Jordan. I love you, and only you. I was kicking and pulling on the ropes. The bed felt like it was bouncing when I did that. I begged, through my gurgles, trying to let them know I was here. I sobbed, hard. Then the light went out.

The light came on again. I smelled cleaning solution.

"Come on spot, don't be so difficult" as Jordan grunted.

I felt my nose being pushed from side to side. The smell of cleaning solution was strong.

Jordan sighed "Well fuck it. I'll have to sell the house with a spot on the floor where that leech fell."

I begged. I pleaded. Then the light went out. As I cried, I lost track of time. That's it? I'm just a spot on the floor now? It seemed like an eternity before the light came on again. I still smelled cleaning fluid.

It was Jordan again "Hey mom. Yeah, the movers have taken the last load away. It's been a year and I hated to sell, but I can't stay in this house any longer. I haven't been in this room more than a few times since her funeral. Even now it feels like her spirit is here. Loraine and I would love to fly out to see you. Yeah, since she moved in a month after Faye died, it's been almost magical. Faye's memory faded away fast with Loraine around."

Who the fuck is Loraine? ONE MONTH? My memory faded away?

After a pause "I agree. If she hadn't cheated, then the leeches wouldn't have drained all of her blood. Maybe Rusty wasn't the only one she was screwing around with. Guess I'll never know."

I tried to tell Jordan, that I'd never cheated on him, but that fucking ball gag wouldn't let me annunciate a thing. I cried and sobbed. I fought going to sleep as I feared I'd never wake up and my spirit would be gone too.

+ + + +

The light was back on. My head was being lifted up.

My blindfold came off. Jordan was bent over, looking down at me. Angie was on the other side of the bed. They wore the same clothes as the night of the BBQ.

Jordan laughed "Look at her eyes! You thought you were dead didn't you Faye?"

Angie giggled "Oh yeah. SHE'S ALIVE! Those are some wild angry eyes. You're in a heap of trouble Jordan! There's fire in them there eyes!"

The fucking pair laughed until they cried. I was fuming.

"Pretty good joke, don't you think Faye? Come on Angie, hurry up with the scissors."

Jordan and Angie high-fived. Then Angie used scissors to cut away the rope restraining my right wrist.

"Can't stay Faye. You're on your own dear. We've got to go cut Rusty free. Let's see how he liked the joke. Angie and I are going out for a midnight snack. I'll see you back whenever."

I used my free hand to rip the ball gag out of my mouth.

"YOU ASSHOLES! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! THAT WAS NOT FUNNY!"

Jordan looked back "Oh really? I think it's hilarious how you're over-reacting."

The jokesters were snickering and giggling. I wanted to kill them. Looking down, I saw large dried wax drops where the supposed leeches had been attached. When I found my phone, it was close to midnight on the night of the BBQ. Five hours of hell for me.

+ + + +

Jordan's Epilogue:

Part of the beauty of bullshitting, is that those that you are duping might not be an expert. I correctly anticipated that Faye wasn't all that knowledgeable about leeches. The most voracious leech can get its gut filled at about the rate your body generates new blood cells.

So, I was going to have to exaggerate how thirsty leeches are, and how little blood a body has. Not a problem.

Their best-known member is the European medical leech, Hirudo medicinalis. Most of the blood-sucking "worms" are generally perceived belonging to this group. In general, though some leeches suck blood, many are predators which hunt small invertebrates.

Leeches have been used in medicine from ancient times until the 19th century to draw blood from patients. In modern times, leeches find medical use in treatment of joint diseases such as epicondylitis and osteoarthritis, extremity vein diseases, and in microsurgery. Hirudin is used as an anticoagulant drug to treat blood-clotting disorders.

The average human adult has about 4.5 to 5.5 liters of blood, or about 1.5 gallons. Leeches suck about 5-15 ml in one session. After a feeding, leeches can subsist on the blood for several months. Your body reproduces blood faster than a leech can harm you.

Angie was a wonderful 'straight man' for me, and I for her. We plotted our revenge carefully, doing this to Faye and Rusty at the same time. Going back and forth between our two houses, we repeated to Rusty, what we'd just done to Faye. It was comical, at least from our point of view.

For each segment, we waited until thirty to forty-five minutes had gone by. We fried some bacon after 'applying the leeches' to suggest that morning had arrived. Standing by the walls, watching Faye struggle and gurgle, we read from our scripts. Faye bought into it completely, thrashing about and crying.

For the paramedic's part, I coated my arms with rubbing alcohol. Struggle, struggle, gurgle, gurgle, as we fought the urge to laugh aloud.

For the funeral part, I sprayed my shirt with air freshener. Our tear stained 'spirit' wouldn't give up the fight.

I used some pet friendly cleaning fluid for the spot removal. Wiggling her nose, like I was trying to get a spot out. We didn't need to do a thing for the moving out bit. Then, we let them lay there for an hour. Angie and I had a beer while we waited for midnight to roll around.

Angie was much meaner with the candle wax, as many hot drops landed on some of Rusty's tender parts. When she pulled the blindfold off, Rusty was so wild-eyed that we left him tied up while we went to eat. I ended up cutting his rope as Angie had taken off to spend a few days at her parents.

Rusty was a changed man and began drinking. Some guys can't deal with having been made a fool. After he abused Angie, she got a restraining order against him. That forced him to move out. There's no romantic connection between Angie and I, but we still stay in touch.

My nickname for Faye is Spotty. She fumes when I use it. Faye didn't hesitate to sign the post-nuptial agreement. Counseling went just okay. I still think what we did was hilarious, and that just irritates the shit out of Faye. He who laughs last, laughs best.

+ + + +

Faye's Epilogue:

Our couple's therapy that week was spirited. I ranted and raved about how cruel Jordan had been. He couldn't begin to wipe the smile off of his face. Even the counselor had trouble keeping a straight face.

I warned Jordan that if I ever caught him with someone named Loraine, he'd forever regret being born a male. His comment about me being so easy to forget stung, and still does. He calls me Spotty now, and I flip him off every time he does.

Angie wasn't kidding about the post-nuptial agreement. It took me less than a minute to read and sign it. I can't imagine living my life without Jordan, and have become very clingy with him. He is benefitting greatly in the bedroom.

I needed therapy. Lots of it. Jordan and Angie had done a number on me. When you think you are dead, you start to appreciate the things you've been neglecting. I'll never play another practical joke, on anyone, ever. Serves Jordan right, having to pay for my therapy.

I refuse to have anything to do with Angie or Rusty, especially after he started drinking. It galls me, but Jordan and Angie keep in touch. Jordan retells that fucking story to anyone who will listen. Everybody thinks it's hilarious. Everyone but me that is.