This story has a science fiction element to it. It involves a literal Martian slut ray.
So why isn't it in a different category? Two reasons. The first, is that there is very little actual science in this story that would hold up to any kind of scrutiny. The second, and more important reason, is that I first encountered the phrase "zapped by the Martian slut ray" in the comments section of the LW category.
Imagine my surprise and joy when I looked for previous stories about this frequently referenced device, only to find no one had written a story about it. Having a chance to write the definitive (by default) tale on this topic, was all I needed to start dropping words. So borrowing from the hallowed tradition of great fairy tales ...
Once upon a time ...
There was a lad named Ezekiel Yoakum, the only child of Jebediah and Rebecca Yoakum. Zeke, as he was known, came from humble roots. He'd grown up in the Ozarks in Arkansas, and was the first one in his family to go to college. He'd gotten his degree, gotten exposed to a wider world, and landed a job greater than any family member before him.
In his family's eyes, "he done did it." The icing on the cake was marrying a woman from an upper middle-class background. As far as his family was concerned, she might as well been royalty. As far as Zeke was concerned, Kate was his dream woman. He didn't care about approval of his choice from his family, her status, or her incredible teeth and tits. He saw her as his true love.
Zeke had had a few women, both before college, and while in it. He'd had his share of wild sex, experienced things he'd never imagined doing or even liking while living in Arkansas. Kate wasn't on the wild side sexually, but she was the love of his life and he envisioned her as his perfect wife. He felt like he had a foot in two camps, the Ozarks and ... the rest of the world.
Kate felt the same way. She'd loved meeting his parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, and numerous cousins. She even tolerated a few of his more questionable high school friends. The love she felt for Zeke's family was reciprocated. Zeke's mother whispered to him the first time she'd met Kate, "Don't let that one get away."
When he met her parents, he was worried they'd be appalled she was even with him. It was a needless worry. Her folks admired him for, "pulling himself up by his own bootstraps and dropping his accent." He'd never thought that was quite accurate, he'd had his family hoisting him up on
their
shoulders to follow his dreams, but he let it slide. He also let it slide that dropping his accent was something to be praised. He understood it had been said with the best of intentions.
The day he'd proposed to her was the scariest day of his life, and as a child he'd been chased by a bear. He traditionally went down on one knee, and spoke from his heart. He was prepared for rejection. As he made his pitch, he did so with the expectation of failure, as well as the knowledge that he couldn't live with himself the rest of his life if he didn't try.
"Kate, I came from a family of hillbillies, you came down from the clouds. I want you to take this ring. It's yours no matter what you say after I finish. It's a token of my love for you. I hope though, you will accept it as an engagement ring. Will you marry me?"
Kate looked shocked for a few uncomfortable seconds, seconds that felt like an eternity for Zeke. He braced himself for a polite brush off.
Kate looked at him with a face he saw as angelic and said, "Ezekiel Daniel Yoakum, yes!" Then she also dropped to one knee and kissed him. That kiss lasted a while.
The wedding could have been a culture clash disaster, yet it wasn't. They had it on Easter weekend. Everyone they knew was invited to attend, for what they felt was a mutual celebration of their future together. Even an ex-boyfriend of hers named Bill was there. His gift to the couple was a commemorative Easter Egg. Everyone got along splendidly. His father took Zeke aside, while Kate danced with her father, and Jebediah said in his Ozark accent, "Yuns did good."
Married for five years, Zeke and Kate discussed children. Both of their careers were going well, and while pregnancy wasn't something either immediately wanted, plans were discussed. Then plans were implemented. Those plans produced two healthy children. Zeke named the first one, when a boy was born. He named him Abraham, after his father's brother, "Uncle Abe." Kate named their daughter Moira, after her grandmother. Kate's family had Irish roots, and Kate had the red hair and freckles to match. That red hair extended to the carpet.
They lived in a nice neighborhood in Kansas City, Missouri. For Zeke, it was "the big city." Well, he worked in the city, but lived in the suburbs. Over the years Jerry, the neighbor across the street, had become a mutual friend. Jerry moved there after his divorce. It was a subject he didn't like to talk about. Both Zeke and Kate got the idea it had been painful for him. To the children, now ages nine and six, he was "Uncle Jerry."
Zeke never worried about Jerry. Jerry never once flirted with Kate, made any inappropriate touches, and was a guy Zeke genuinely hit it off with. One statement he said to Zeke endeared him to Jerry even more. "Zeke, If I had a wife like yours, I'd still be married. I hope you realize what you've got."
Zeke did. He always had. He felt bad that whatever had happened between Jerry and Vanessa, was such a lingering pain for his new best friend. The three of them often spent time together. Jerry dated some, but the women never seemed to last for long. Kate thought about trying to fix him up with
a keeper
, but Zeke suggested they stay out of it. Zeke's past had seen matchmaking gone awry too many times. Kate agreed with him, and Zeke felt it was just one more indication that they were a team.
Then the day came when Uncle Abe died. Kate couldn't get away to go to the funeral with Zeke. Her job didn't allow it. Zeke didn't hold that against her. After all, Uncle Abe was one of his relatives she'd never met. He understood better than she did that life wasn't always convenient. He went to Eureka Springs without her.
Eureka Springs had been a tourist destination even when Zeke was growing up. His father carved wood so well, he was able to mark up prices to an almost obscene degree, because the tourists wanted something "authentic." Little did the tourists know that Jeb was able to mass produce using modern tools, and just put on finishing touches by hand afterward. "Becca" and "Jeb" had quite a successful shop. Successful enough to afford braces for Zeke, and pay for his college. Zeke never needed a student loan.
The family gathering took place at Abraham Yoakum's place. It was deep in the mountains. Uncle Abe was Zeke's favorite uncle, it's why he'd named his son after him, but he was a bit eccentric. He was a recluse, and took it as a point of pride that he "lived off the grid." He hunted his own meat, grew his own vegetables, and made his own moonshine. His moonshine was the stuff of legend in the area.
Abe had already been cremated due to the undisclosed circumstances of his death, circumstances that his younger brother Jeb chose not to reveal. The family was fine with not pressing for details. Shit happens in the hills, and a lot of it is unpleasant. As a result, the gathering was not a traditional funeral, it was a more of a wake. Abe had passed unexpectedly, and as a by-product of his sudden departure, he'd left copious amounts of his moonshine behind, before distribution could take place.
Naturally Zeke's family celebrated by drinking it in the Mason jars Abe had at his place, while they commemorated his life. Uncle Abe's "shine" was nothing to be trifled with, and it had been a while for Zeke. He was on his third jar, and needed some air. As the discussion turned to politics, with all family members discussing the familiar topic that every administration was worse the one before, Zeke took the opportunity to silently remove himself from the usual railings about the "gubmint." It wasn't that he disagreed, but this common conversation was almost a ritual at family gatherings. He was positive he wasn't going to be missed, or miss anything new.
Mason jar in hand, he went outside his uncle's cabin. He was feeling a bit warm. He didn't have a destination in mind, he just went where his feet took him. He'd played in this area so much as a kid, he knew where all the trails went. He followed an old creek he recognized. Many a day here had been spent building tiny rafts and watching them float downstream.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been walking, when he saw a short, green, large-eyed spindly creature with a big face. Zeke's first thought was "Damn, this moonshine is really kicking my ass." His next, was that it was a creature that seemed to be in pain. Analyzing the rest could wait. It was time to jump into crisis mode. If someone needed help in the hills, you just helped. It could be you the next time.
As he approached, the odd creature said nervously, "I am here in peace."
In a voice both comforting and drunk, Zeke said, "Me too, buddy."
The creature's name was Wobbles. He'd fallen down the mountain and injured himself. He explained to Zeke that normally he'd be invisible, but the fall had damaged his "cloaking device." It had also separated him from his backpack which contained all his emergency equipment, so he couldn't ask the rest of his landing team for help. Zeke located the pack, and Wobbles assisted in guiding Zeke to assist with his own rescue. He told Zeke how to activate a flare he had. He said it would send a signal to his people. Zeke activated the flare, and there was nothing to do but awkwardly wait. Naturally in a situation like that, they shot the shit, as Zeke continued to sip from his Mason jar.
Zeke started the small talk. "So, where are you from?"
"Mars."
