This was a quick little story that popped into my head as I drove home from work tonight, while listening to the Judas Priest song by the same name. The story ran a bit longer than I planned, but I hope you like it. It's a bit different.
*****
It was with great shock that my wife confided in me one sultry, summer Saturday morning, that she intended to "get even" with me for the flirting I'd done at a party the previous weekend. Even though I'd never touched or done anything inappropriately, my wife of five years decided that I needed a lesson. I thought it was mostly because the woman I'd flirted with for five minutes—give or take a minute—was Elaine's main competition back in high school. It seems like everyone has a nemesis in school, and Gloria was always one-upping Elaine back in the day.
"It looks to me like she's trying to take my husband away since hers ran off!" Elaine yelled to me on our way home that night. "I'm not gonna let that happen! You're * MY * husband, and you're not available for anyone but me!"
"I agree with you, Elaine," I replied calmly. "Really though, I just talked with her for a few minutes out of the whole evening. Sure, we joked around a little, but I didn't do or say anything that I wouldn't have done if you were standing right beside me."
"Did you notice the way she kept touching your arm? Or the way she was twirling her hair on her finger? She was sending you signals! What did you do to make her think it was okay to openly flirt with you like that? Did she ask you to 'fix something' at her house, so you could 'innocently' go over there and fuck her?"
"WHAT??? No! We didn't talk anything like that. I have no intention of 'fixing' anything at her place or doing anything with Gloria that I shouldn't do. Why are you accusing me? I didn't do anything!"
"That's right; you didn't do anything...like tell her to quit, or walk away...or to leave you alone..."
The argument continued for several days, neither one of us wanting to admit we were wrong. I really had done nothing wrong. When Gloria, who had a bit too much to drink, started talking seductively about "market penetration" and "pounding" some sense into her boss at the marketing firm where she worked, I flirted back. But when I saw that she was getting worked up, I made a hasty retreat, with an appropriate excuse. I didn't want to tempt myself to cheat on my wife, but I wasn't going to let her know how risqué the conversation got: Elaine's fire sure didn't need anymore fuel thrown on it.
So, Elaine told me that we were going out dancing tonight and she was going to flirt with any and all of the guys there to see how I liked it. I told her that I wouldn't like it, so I wasn't going to go dancing. She blew up and after a bit told me that if I didn't go and watch, so I could see how it feels, that she was going alone and going to bring a man home and tease him right in front of me.
"Elaine, if you do that, I'll throw you out. That is blatant disrespect and I won't stand for it. I didn't flirt with Gloria but for a few minutes and it was totally above board. I treated her as I would any of the other women at that party, and when I've flirted more with a few of them in the past, you've never gotten upset with me. If you bring a man into MY house to rub it my face, well that is going WAY over the line."
"Then that's just what I'll do. You need to be taught a lesson about flirting and tonight is the time."
"Oh, what about you? Are you trying to tell me that you never flirt? I've seen you flirt a LOT more than Gloria did with me! What's good for you is good for me, Elaine."
"That's ridiculous! I don't flirt that much! She was all but asking you to bend her over the couch and do her right there in front of us all! I'm going to get a man tonight and bring him here to show you how it feels!"
"You're already showing me how it feels to be totally disrespected by my wife!" I was getting pissed at this point. I quickly regretted it, but I couldn't stop it from escaping my angry lips, "I don't think that you could find a man stupid enough to come into MY house, and flirt with you—not even if you offered him some pussy to do it!"
Elaine's chin dropped and her eyes bulged. I'd really done it; I threw down the gauntlet at her feet. "Okay, smartass, that's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do, and you can't do ANYTHING to stop me! There's plenty of men out there that would be happy to get a piece of me, and if they can stick it to you at the same time, it'll be a great big bonus!" It was time for my chin to drop. She continued her tirade as she left the room, "I'll show you, Eric! You'll be sorry that you EVER flirted with Gloria and crossed me, you lousy son-of-a-bitch!"
I heard the word "Asshole," right before our bedroom door slammed. And that was all I'd see of Elaine until she was ready to go out that night.
There's a couple things that you should know about us. First is that in high school and college, I was a six foot-four, all-star lineman on the football team. When I graduated college, two agents both thought enough of my chances in the draft to approach me about representation. I decided that I liked my chances in the business world better (and as time showed, correctly so), and passed on the NFL. Also, I'm in better shape now than I was then.
Secondly, we live in a small town—and I do mean small. We all know everybody else in town by name. I'm very well liked and respected around town, but there are only a very few guys who wouldn't respect me enough to fall for Elaine's plan, even then only after a few beers, but there was just one guy in town that was arrogant enough to actually try it. What a coincidence that it was my old high school nemesis, Woody Floyd.
In high school, Woody was big and bulky enough to stand up to me and in a fair fight, I'm not sure of the winner. Nowadays, whereas I'm well toned and muscular, Woody is a bit out of shape from all the constant weight lifting he did. He lifted weights alright...twelve ounces at a time. And he'd be found the same place he always was on Saturday nights (as well as several other nights through the week), on the last barstool at the Rainbow's End Bar & Grill.
I did my weekly household lawn chores and piddled around the garage as a plan came together just in case Elaine's foolish pride took her down to the Rainbow's End that evening. Of course, I'd try to apologize because even I knew that I'd crossed a line any sane married man shouldn't have wandered close to, but I stupidly did it in a moment of anger, and regretted it even before the door slammed.
If Elaine came out of our bedroom before eight that night, it was while I was outside. When she did come out, she was dressed to kill, as I'd expected. She made a big deal of coming into the room, so I'd be sure to see her.
As she fluttered about setting her purse out, checking to make sure her keys were in there for the third time, and generally making a show of herself to call attention to her outfit, I broke the silence, "Elaine, I owe you an apology. I should never have said that remark..."
It's too late for apologies now, asshole. I'm going out and I'm bringing home a real man to show you how it feels. If I have to screw him, then so be it, you son-of-a-bitch!"
"Elaine, I'm sorry for that remark and it certainly isn't true. Please, don't do this to us."
"You started this when you openly flirted with that skank Gloria. This is your punishment, so you won't do it again. This is the only way I can see to get through to you just exactly what you've done." She gathered her keys and headed out the door to the garage. As a parting shot, she spat out, "I'd say 'don't wait up,' but that would defeat the whole purpose!" She laughed as she slammed the door in my face.
