Yes ladies and Gents, it has happened again. My adorable wife has gone into our iTunes folder and discovered one of my songs from the 80's that she (born in 85) doesn't remember ever hearing. The song is Your Love, which is, I believe, the only hit by the Outfield. So after her playing it a hundred times over the past few days it got stuck in my head and this popped out. This one is short(er) and more fun than usual. The next one will probably be a Halloweeny story. Thanks to the great Barney-R for his editing chops especially on short notice. Gents and Ladies let's go back to the 80's. SS06
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"Why's your sister here?" I asked my wife Josie as I looked at her suitcase. "She gives me the creeps."
"Wayne, my sister is the least creepy girl on the planet," replied Josie. "Can you hurry up? We're gonna be late."
"She's always staring at me," I said. "Sometimes I feel like a fuckin' antelope around her."
"Wayne you run fast, Honey, but not that fast," she laughed. "My sister makes you feel like an antelope. I have to tell her that. There are legions of men following my sister around like she's the messiah and she makes you feel a deer. You're gonna have to explain that Honey, but keep packing."
"Okay," I said. "Imagine yourself on the plains. You are an antelope. You are the biggest fastest antelope in the whole fuckin' jungle. You are the shit. That's me." She giggled. I loved her laugh. It made her seem even younger than her twenty seven years.
"Okay, I am an antelope. And I'm the shit," she giggled. "I'm the fastest God Damned antelope in the whole fuckin' jungle."
"No you're not," I said. "I am, remember. I just wanted you to imagine how I feel."
"Okay, Honey, but what does you being an antelope have to do with your hands being on my tits?" she asked.
"I can do whatever I want," I said. "I'm the shit, remember? Anyway...I'm an antelope and I'm the shit. Until your sister comes along. I notice her and fear runs through me like shit through a goose. Your sister is a cheetah, and she's hungry. Guess what's on the menu?"
"A shitty Antelope?" she asked.
"Exactly," I said. "And around her, I am no longer the shit. She is shittier than me and I know it. What's worse is that she knows it. So she sits there on a tree limb watching me. It's a game to her. But it's my fuckin' life.
She just sits there watching me. She's waiting for me to make a move. Common sense tells me not to run. My brain tells me not to run because I'll just be tired when I die. But everything written into my DNA tells me to run. Of everyone in the herd I have the best chance to get away. I start breathing harder.
Then I realize that she's not really watching me. She's watching the entire herd. One of the smaller bucks kicks up his heels like he's gonna run. I know that she'll catch his clumsy ass before he goes three steps. He has no chance. He's just a fart with delusions of being the shit.
He kicks up his heels again and she slowly turns her head towards him. I take off, like I'm jet propelled. I am leaping and running and tearing up ground like the shit that I know I am. I am lightning personified. I am the quintessential avatar of motion. I am a fuckin' idiot. I feel her claws rake my hind quarters and suddenly I can no longer run.
There's blood all over the ground. It's mine of course. She was never looking at the entire herd. She only wanted me. She wanted me because, I was wrong. This was never a game to her. It was always about food for her babies. I'm the biggest. So I'm the most food. And I was never the shit.
As she rips out huge chunks of my flesh, she doesn't rejoice or do a little dance. It's just another day at the office for her and ..."
"And will you please finish packing my God Damned suitcase before I drop you off at the loony bin," said Josie.
"Wayne, my little sister does not eat shit," she said. "She does not want to do you any harm, silly. If she ever tried...she'd get a chance to see what a lioness does to a cheetah. Wayne, I shouldn't be telling you this but Alyssa has a crush on you. She has ever since she was a kid. But you're mine. So give her a break."
"Oooookay," I said with as little sarcasm as I could muster.
"I'm serious, Wayne," she said. "You should be flattered. Alyssa is younger than I am. She's prettier than I am and she's built better. A lot of guys would be happy."
"A lot of guys don't love their wives as much as I love you," I said. I held up my wedding ring so she could see it.
"I love you so much, Wayne," she gushed.
"Why don't you have a swim suit?" I asked.
"This is a business trip, Honey," she smiled. "If I was going for fun, you'd be coming with me. But this is a quick three day, take no prisoners assault. We go in, have a quick intro meeting. Visit their plant, make a proposal, negotiate a price and come home. We'll have no time for beaches or swimming pools."
"Okay, you're all packed," I said.
"Come here, love of my life," she growled. The kiss we exchanged was soft and warm, but hot at the same time."
"Josie, you're going to be late," said a voice behind us. I turned and looked into two eyes so deep they swallowed my soul.
There stood Alyssa, my wife's nineteen year old sister. Josie is five foot two and compactly built. She has big boobs and a big butt. Men have been known to get off of elevators just to follow her butt.
Alyssa on the other hand was five nine and defied anatomical physics. Her waist was so tiny you could get both of your hands around it and your fingers would touch. Yet her boobs were somehow the same size as Josie's. But coming off of that tiny waist and rib cage made them seem much bigger.
Her butt wasn't nearly as big, but it had the same shape and the same fullness. Her legs were at least a mile long and they were shaped like a dancer's.
Josie had dark hair, like their dad. She kept it cut short so it was easy to manage. Alyssa on the other hand had long strawberry blond hair with waves that flowed down her back.
They both had the same incredible gray eyes and right then Alyssa was using hers on me.
"I'll carry that bag down to the car, Wayne," she said.
"Thanks Alyssa," I said.
"Any time, Wayne. You're family. I love you," she said.
"Hey, what about me?" asked Josie.
"You're kind of a bitch, Sis," she said. Josie stuck her tongue out at her sister's departing back and pulled me in for another kiss.