Your Daily Loving Wives Horrorscope

Your Daily Loving Wives Horrorscope

Author's Note: Exactly 750 words below the break.

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Aries: March 21 - April 19

Big changes loom large for you today. In the afternoon, your penis will explode, oxidize, turn black and fall off due to the buildup of gasses in it caused by a new form of venereal disease that your wife brought home from her lover. Don't make any plans for the evening that don't involve extensive surgery.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Your day will begin with laughter and smiles between you and your wife. However, your wife is not laughing with you - she is laughing at you and deservedly so. Her smiles are not smiles, but rather are smirks. She knows something that you don't. Your neighbors pity you.

Gemini: May 21 - June 21

Although Gemini is the sign of the twins, it is not twins that will make themselves known today. Rather, it will be triplets that your wife delivers. One will be black, one will be Asian and one will be Hispanic              Since your last name is O'Rourke, well.... you do the math.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Now would be a good time to reassess some of your core beliefs. Specifically, you should consider abandoning your absurd pretense of masculinity because that useless thing between your legs is barely big enough to pass as a clit, let alone a penis. Smashing it with a hammer would be a positive start.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

A lucrative financial opportunity will present itself today if you are bold enough to take advantage of it. Your wife and your two twenty-something daughters plan on opening a brothel and intend to be the star attractions. When they ask for seed money (no pun intended) you may as well give it to them and get a financial return for something your wife is already giving out for free. Trust me on this - I've had all three of them and they are going to make out like bandits.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Virgo, the virgin. How utterly appropriate. You've been without sex since your wife cut you off and locked you in a chastity cage over a year ago at the insistence of her bull. Your balls are now bluer than the deepest blue of the Caribbean Sea and the size of volleyballs. You are considered a "born again virgin" since you have been celibate for more than a year.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Travel and meeting a new person who will play a major role in your life will occur today. Specifically, you'll be traveling to the state prison after being convicted of the fake embezzlement charges your wife and her lover set you up on. The new person's name is "Crusher" and he will be your cellmate. You and he will get along fine if you bring a wedding dress for yourself. Today is also a good day to invest in the stock of companies that make anal lubricants.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 21

Communication with loved ones will be the dominant theme of today for you. It will begin when your wife says "Honey, we need to talk," and deteriorate rapidly from there. Trying to call your mother to discuss this will fail as she has changed her phone number and deliberately not given the new number to you. She encouraged your wife's infidelity.

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21

At every turn today, you will fail at something. Although abject failure is the major theme of your miserable existence, today will be especially rich in pain, embarrassment and wifely betrayal. Don't look for the silver lining - it's not there. Also, you suck. You're ugly, too.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19

A new domicile situation looms. Your wife will get the house, all the money and everything else in the divorce. Go to an appliance store early to get a refrigerator box to live in before they are gone. It's going to snow tonight.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18

This is a water sign and it will not fail you. Be prepared for life to cause a golden shower to rain down upon you today. Keep in mind that if it smells funny, it likely means that someone was eating asparagus last night at dinner.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

The sign of the fish, which is apropos since, while you are reading this, your wife is getting a nose-full of fish smell at her best friend's house where she's doing some rug munching. Also be sure to floss your teeth - she is.