A Widower's Bold Request:
He just came right out and asked me if I thought she would ever consider going to bed with him. He confessed to me that after his wife died, he had often fantasized about being with with my wife, Claire. I didn't think I would ever tell her, but when she asked me what Jim and I were talking about at his car for so long, I just came out with it. I figured she would be shocked.
"He asked if you'd ever consider sleeping with him, asked how I would feel about that. I said it would be up to you," I told her.
"So is that true? Would it be up to me?" she asked. I said of course it would. "Then tell him yes," she announced casually, without any hesitation. "It would only be sex, right? He is a good friend. Tell him sure. It would be the least we could do for him," she said without any misgivings. "You have always said monogamy was overrated."
This is one of those times when your words come back to haunt you. I had said that about monogamy, but I had also fantasized about her with another man, but it was just that, a fantasy. I never thought it would come true. It was like those thoughts of doing something really dangerous. You never expected it to happen, but the seed was still planted. When she said, "Sure," the old fantasy came back, like a freight train. I could not get it out of my head. If I closed my eyes, I saw them fucking. If I picked up a book, images of him fucking her filled the pages. The fact was, it excited me to think about. It did scare me, but like driving fast, it was enticing. It turned me on incredibly to imagine. I pictured it, jacked off to thoughts of it, but was terrified by it at the same time.
I wondered what they would do. Would they kiss and make out like teens, or would it be a clinical fuck that was clearly just sex? Strangely, my fantasies were of the romantic, French kissing type that were heated and passionate. I dreamed of them as lovers, not simply friends enjoying a fine meal, but wild, wanton sex partners who could not get enough of each other.
So, the question was, would I give my blessing and be anguished and tortured over it, or would I let go and enjoy it like a cuckold husband? Did I mean what I said, or was it just bluff? Even with my proselytizing, I was not really sure where I stood. Did I love her enough that it could be unconditional, or was I insecure enough that it would torment me?
Finally, I asked her if she was really going to go through with it. "You mean fucking Jim? Why not? Isn't that what you have fantasized about, seeing me with another man?"
I told her I had, yes, but that I was unsure, that I was having doubts about whether it was just a fantasy, or if I really wanted it.
"Well, you can't have it both ways," she said. "You know that. I either fuck him or I don't. You either meant it or you didn't. Let me know, because I have no problem with helping out our old friend," she said, a little annoyed by my equivocating. "Either tell me to go ahead, or come clean that it was just talk. Admit you are too insecure to live up to your own boasts."
"I really do feel sex can just be sex," she said calmly. "He wants a good fuck, since it has been so long for him, I am fine with giving a friend what he needs. So, you decide. I fuck our friend or I don't. Up to you." With that she left the room.
There it was, the challenge. Put up or shut up. Calmly let her fuck our friend because he's incredibly horny, or admit it was just talk and slither off to a corner. and admit it was just smoke and tell her I couldn't handle it. We watched porn together. We're pretty open about our feelings, but it may have just been phony prattle.
I was thinking about it when the decision hit me like a runaway train. Just fucking do it, I told myself. Stand up and be a man and tell her you give her the choice. Give her the chance to make up her own mind. "Okay," I said. "Do what you want."
"It has always been my choice," she said, a little miffed that I would think it had all been up to me. Of course it was her decision. It was her body. She could, in fact, fuck whoever she wanted. There was no 'me' in it. If she didn't, and she wanted to, then it would be because she had decided I couldn't handle her fucking another man. The fact that it was a friend of ours made it just a little harder.
I could see that she resented the fact that I thought the choice was mine. "Have you talked to him about it?" I asked one night as we climbed into bed.
"I have, yes," she said turning off the light, but offering no further comment.
I couldn't let it just go at that. "So, what did you say?"
"I said I would be happy to help him get over his horniness," she said turning away from me. "I said I would like to have sex with him, but I told him you weren't as sure about it as you have let on. He said then he wouldn't do it, not if you weren't a hundred percent. I really was sorry to hear that," she said turning back around to face me in the dark.
"I was wrong to say I believed sex was okay with other people if I wasn't being absolutely truthful. I see that is not fair. I have thought a lot about it and I really think you should. In fact, I want you to," I said, actually impressed that I was able to not only say it but mean it.
"If I did, you would not torture yourself and go through hell when I was with him?" she asked. I told her I had done a lot of thinking, reading, and even talking to a therapist. I am sure I can handle it. Please, be with our friend and give him the piece of ass he has been missing for five years."