Naomi came into the living room and stood in front of the TV set. That was the only way she knew where she could get her husband's attention.
"Honey, you're blocking my view. Can you move please?"
"No. Damnit. You're going to pay attention to me for a minute whether you like it or not."
"But it's The Curse of Oak Island. They're about to make a significant discovery. I don't want to miss it."
"If you don't turn that off this instant and listen to me, you're about to have a significant discovery alongside your head!"
"Oh, all right. There. Now, what is so all fired important?"
In her most solemn and serious tone of voice Naomi announced, "Jim, I've decided that I'm leaving you."
He paused for a second as if in deep contemplation. "Okay. When are you coming back? Do you mind picking up some apple fritters from Whistle Stop on your way home?"
"AAAGGGHHH! I can't believe you. I am leaving you, you asshole, and I WILL NOT be coming back."
"Oh. Too bad. Good luck. I'll miss you. Now, can I get back to my show?"
"That's it? Over ten years of marriage and my leaving means nothing to you? Aren't you going to say something else?"
He smiled and said, "How about 'Don't forget to leave your house keys."
"No, you doofus! What about saying something like, 'Why are you leaving, dear?' or 'Please don't go. I don't know what I'll do without you' or even 'Fuck you and the horse you rode in on' just something that shows you ever gave a damn about me."
"Let's see. I married you. I've shared ten years of my life, time, and money on supporting you, our house and our lifestyle. I have sex with you whenever you want. I remember your birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, our anniversary and Mother's Day even though you're not a mother yet. Oh my gosh, are you pregnant? Is that what this is all about?"
"You idiot. How could you believe I would leave you if I was pregnant?"
"Well, if it wasn't my baby, you might."
"If it wasn't your baby? Are you accusing me of cheating on you? How dare you? How could I have stayed this long with a miserable slug like you?"
"Well, I have to believe that my guess was a reasonable conclusion. Let's see, you drop a bomb on me out of the blue that you are leaving. You state no reason why you're leaving. One possible option could be that you have found and want to be with another man. If you have been with another man, surely you have already had sex with him, which means you could be pregnant by him. I think my guess was a very logical deduction."
"I'm not seeing another man, but given your lack of interest in my departure, I will certainly start looking."
"Before you go, can I ask a question?"
"Finally, you are showing some interest. Go ahead."
"Would you mind if I dated your sister after you leave?"
"WHAT? You want to date my sister. Where in your feeble brain did you ever come to the conclusion that my sister would want to date you?"
"Christmas at your parents' house. After a few egg nogs, your sister whispered to me, 'If you ever get tired of that dried up shrew and want a real fuck, give me a call.' That's the first time. She's repeated the offer in even more colorful terms a couple of times since."
"You're lying mother-fucker. Why in the world would she want you when she has Fernando?"
"I don't know. Maybe she's tired of sharing him with you and not getting anything extra in return."
"HOLY FUCK! You think I'm sleeping with my sister's husband?"
"I doubt that sleeping is what you and he do in bed although I wonder why he still wanted you after the first time."
"You filthy swine! Why wouldn't he or any other man want me? I get hit on my men all the time. I could go out and get a different man to fuck every night if I wanted."
"Your brother-in-law told me that his wife, your sister, fucks a lot better than you. He said he just fucks you to piss her off. Judging by what she's been offering to do with me, I'd say it's working."
"Jim, you're just making this all up to get back at me for leaving you. You have absolutely no proof of me having sexual relations with Fernando or any other man."
Jim reached into the side pocket of the recliner and brought out a bulging clasped envelope. "See this envelope. The divorce papers only take up a few pages. The rest of the pictures are of you fucking no one who even resembles me, your husband. I have to admit, that it was hard choosing a 'best of' for my divorce attorney."
Naomi collapsed on the floor in tears. "This is not going how it was supposed to go."
"Well, if you had given me a script, I might have followed it. Just to satisfy my curiosity, how was it supposed to go?"
"You were supposed to be upset, furious. You were to beg my forgiveness and ask what it would take for me to change my mind. I would finally tell you that I needed some time away for myself. Then I would go have some fun for a few weeks with a couple of different men after which you would welcome me back with open arms."
