A tale of two people who loved each other but didn't notice when things began to go wrong. It happens all too often.
Edited as always by Angel Love. My thanks to her for her encouragement and comments, always right on target.
During the next few weeks, Paula set up the house to accommodate the new hospital style bed I had delivered and she was able to incorporate most of the equipment Jim would need into the den. With my permission, she had some workers in to knock down the wall between the den and the family room, opening it up into a large bedroom with a sitting area and a place for the new equipment. Those were mainly walkers, guide ropes to pull himself up and down and other exotic equipment meant to help him do everything easier and better. Within two weeks, Paula had the area fully functional and Jim positioned in the middle of a full scale rehabilitation facility.
Jessie had moved back into the house and brought her sewing machines and other stuff so that she could continue her work in design and seamstress training. That way, she could be there to spell Paula when she had to leave for shopping or other things. Between them and the full time nurse we had hired, Jim was never alone. That was the way we wanted it for now at least until he began to exhibit some independence. And Paula and I both hoped that Jim would make more progress than the doctors expected.
My visits were frequent at first, Jessie calling me to let me know when the best times to come would be. I spent my time with Jim trying to plumb the depths of his memory. I was not convinced that his memories were lost, just buried and difficult for him to locate. With some association games and a thing called 'Patterning' I had found on the internet, I began to help him access the memories he had stored inside his brain, behind the walls of damage. I was pleased that we were making progress and after several weeks, his recall was significantly improved. During my last session with him, he was able to recall exactly what happened the night he collapsed. From the time he walked in until the call to Jessie when he lost consciousness. He did ask me then where Paula was, and I just told him we would talk about that later, Now it was time to rest after a good session.
His question opened up a wound that had begun to scab over. His memory of that night reminded me again of the fact that Paula was laying with my brother at the time Jim lay there bleeding. The doctor refused to assess blame to her absence but that absence is what finally caused me to walk away from her. I had disowned my brother and my wife at the time and I was not yet ready to change my mind. I had gone over it in my mind a thousand times and the only question that kept coming up was why did she allow it to happen? That question was what stopped me from trying to get past this and save my marriage. I had to understand first before I could move on.
I had spoken to Paula's father and mother on a couple of occasions. They called in from wherever they were at any given time to ask about Jim. Paula gave them a schedule of when she would be there and I assumed they spoke often. On the two occasions I spoke to them, it was not long before they asked me what was going on between Paula and I. When I asked them what Paula had told them, they just said she told them she had done something terrible and that she had hurt me. She obviously didn't tell them what so neither did I. Just that we were not together now except for our son. From the questions Margie, her mother, asked, I knew that she had guessed. But regardless of how hard she tried, I would give her no information. They always left me with their love and hopes for a reconciliation.
Jessie was still staying at the house but she was getting restless now that Jim was improving. She helped him walk around the house and they had begun to go out more and more. Jim could now walk almost unaided around the house and Jessie made sure he was OK. She wanted to begin to take him out and around the block but Paula was still not sure. I told her it was OK with me, but Jessie preferred that Paula agree. Once she did, Jim's progress increased and he was now walking almost a mile or more every day. His legs were getting stronger and with my work on his memory and Paula's constant care, Jim was almost able to take care of himself. After just five months of our efforts, Jim had come most of the way back, surprising even the doctors.
At his last monthly visit, Jim had impressed the doctor so much that he revised his earlier estimates. He now believed Jim could function independently again and could probably try going back to college. He warned us that he might fail but that it was worth the effort. We agreed and decided to talk to Jim later about it. But I felt there was a more important issue to discuss with Paula now that Jim was on his way to a full, if limited, recovery. Our future together, or rather, our lack of a future together.
I had begun to travel again and I was asked to take on a job for a company in Phoenix that ran a fleet of armored money carriers. They serviced the banks in the Phoenix area and shuttled cash and checks to and from the central bank. They had a state of the art surveillance system and all of the money that came in or out was electronically counted and scanned. Our systems did it all but they were looking to upgrade some of the software. Since it took someone who could read and write the software codes, they had to call for someone like me, an administrator for the system. I agreed after talking with Paula and Jessie. Jim needed less and less supervision so I had the time to take the assignment.
I planned to spend only a week or less in Phoenix but after seeing the extent of the upgrades they planned, revised that to two weeks. I called Jessie to tell her and she seemed fine with it. I asked her what her plans were but she said she was not too busy just now. She then asked me what my plans were for when I got home but I wasn't sure what she was referring to so I was a little vague. She did surprise me by her next statement.
"You know dad, you need to talk to mom and see if you two can get things straightened out. Don't you think it's about time?"
I was taken aback by that. I thought Jessie understood how I felt and what her mother had done to me: how much she had hurt me and the pain I was still feeling. How could she think I would get back together with Paula?
"You aren't serious are you? You know how I feel. I'm surprised that you would ask me that."
"Well, you'd better come home then and talk to Jim. He doesn't understand and he doesn't know why you're not living at home. He thinks it's his fault. He thinks it's because of his problems that you two have split."
Now I was confused. My son thinks I left his mother because of his accident? His problems? How could he think that? But, if I thought about it, I had never discussed it with him and he had never asked. Just the one time when we first talked about the night of his fall. He said something about mom not being home and then asked me why. I never answered him.
In surprise, I asked Jessie, "Why haven't you told him what happened? He'd trust you. Why would you allow him to believe he was at fault? I don't understand."
"Dad, listen to me. It's not my place to tell Jim about what mom did. That's between Jim and mom. All I know is that mom made a mistake. A big mistake I know, but you've let it tear apart our family, drive my uncle away and make my mom a wreck. You won't talk to her and you won't make a decision to either end it or make it work. The one who's really hurting us all is you."
"Jessie! That's not true. Your mother's infidelity is what caused this rift between us. It's her fault, hers and John's. You know that!"
"Sorry Dad, but that won't fly. You have to decide for yourself. You can't just let it lay there and fester. If you can't accept what Mom did, then you owe it to her to say so and start the divorce proceedings. Jim and I are grown up now and we're not going to suffer because you and mom go your separate ways. We'll continue to see both of you and love you anyway. So, it's your choice what to do, but you have to make a decision. Mom is waiting for you."
"Why me? She can start the proceedings as well as I can. She doesn't have to wait for me."
"Of course she does. She doesn't want the divorce. She wants to save the marriage but she doesn't know how. You have to talk to her and tell her what you want to do. She knows what she wants."
"How could you know that? What she did makes that a lie. How could she do that to me and then claim to want to continue in a marriage with me? How can she love me but then make love to my brother?"
"Oh, dad, even I know the difference. Love has nothing to do with what she did with Uncle John. There was no love there. Maybe on Uncle John's part, at least I think so, but not on mom's part. That I know for sure. I think it was pity, or compassion, what ever you want to call it that she felt for Uncle John. But it was nothing more that that."
"Pity? How little you know. She helped him after his divorce, certainly, but how do you know that it didn't grow to be more than that? How do you know?"
"That's something you have to find out for yourself. You have to talk to mom. Please dad, talk to her before you do something you'll regret."
I hung up the phone after talking to my daughter, confused, angry and depressed more than ever, convinced that I had no idea of what I wanted. Did I want to save my marriage? Did I want to forgive her and take her back? Could I even do that? What did I want to do? I decided that I needed time away from everything to think. My trip to Phoenix was just in time.
