What She Didn't Tell Me

I guess I should have thought with my brain instead of my heart. However, feelings and emotions can persuade even the strongest man to do the dumbest things and I guess that was true in my case. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but there was no way I was going back to the way it was before; not now, not ever. If it wasn't for my two kids, it would be a no brainer, but I couldn't live my life totally for them either. I was screwed no matter what I finally decided.

The way I figured it, I'd wasted the last seven years of my life. I had two kids I loved to death but that was about all. I had a wife, a big house and a ton of friends who if push came to shove would bail on me in a heartbeat. The only ones I could really count on were my married sister Carol and her husband Bill.

You see, I'd married Ann seven years ago and now wished I'd hadn't. It's not like I didn't loved her, hell I worshiped the ground she walked on, it's just that now I have reason to believe that she didn't love me back then, and why she said yes when I asked her to marry me, I hadn't a clue.

Ann had been going with Ronnie for the better part of three years or most of the way through their second year of college. When they broke up it was a shock to everyone because that was one couple that had marriage written all over them. Like most guys, I had lusted after Ann forever and after waiting a respectable amount of time I asked her out and much to my surprise she said yes.

We went out and dated on and off for the better part of eight months, but not exclusively. Ann said that she didn't want to get into another serious relationship after just getting out of a long term one. So if I wanted to date her, it was by her rules. There was a lot of kissing and she let me get to second base a few times but that was about it and per her, that's all it was ever going to be. I figured I'd let it slide for a while because I really did like her or I wouldn't have put up with all her conditions for so long.

Ann and I were scheduled to go out on Saturday so Friday I went out with a few of my buddies. We grabbed dinner and hit a few clubs as they were looking to score with any woman, breathing or not, as I said they weren't too picky.

"Isn't that Ann?" Kenny asked me looking at a couple on the dance floor.

"I'm not sure, it's too damn dark in here for me to be positive," I told him.

"Well if it is, it looks like he's up to second base and heading for third," as we now all watched the two of them as the guy was all over her.

I moved up to the edge of the dance floor and waited for them to get close enough so I could see if it was indeed Ann. When they made a pass close to me, I confirmed it was Ann.

When they danced over to a dark corner and started at it hot and heavy I no longer wanted to watch. What's the phrase, 'it looks like she is in to him and in a big way,' came to mind as I told my buddies I was out of here.

"Steve, don't be like that, hell there are a ton of other women here tonight. Throw this one back, it looks like she's been hooked too many times anyway," they told me. I probably should have listened to them, but like I say, I was smitten with Ann. But there was no way I wanted to go out with her Saturday night after what I'd just seen.

My phone kept ringing Saturday night as I ignored it and instead watched the Lakers cream the Charlotte Bobcats. It wasn't even close by the final buzzer. I had one more Corona and headed for bed just before eleven o'clock. I didn't sleep worth a damn Saturday night as I could see Ann and that guy whenever I tried to close my eyes.

Sunday I was using iTunes to down load songs to my library when I heard someone knocking on my apartment door.

"Just a minute," I yelled as I grabbed a shirt and opened the door. There stood Ann.

"What the hell happened to you last night? I tried to call you a dozen times but you never answered. You best have a good explanation on why you stood me up last night.

I thought for a second and was going to come back with some cute line but thought better of it.

"I decided I didn't want to go out with you last night so I watched the Lakers game instead."

The look she gave me was one of total disbelief or her brain wasn't processing what I'd just told her.

"What the hell do you mean you just decided not to go out with me?" Ann said, as she got even angrier.

"Ann look, you've got a full dance card and I'm tired of all the games and your rules. Ann, you want to go out, have a lot of fun without any commitments and there's nothing wrong with that but that's not where I'm at right now. So in other words, you can date whomever you want, just not me anymore."

"Steve, I thought you liked me? Don't we have fun when we go out?"

"Ann, you have fun with everyone when you go out as I saw Friday night. Hell, even if we ever did get serious, I wouldn't be sure I wasn't getting someone else's sloppy seconds."

"I didn't have sex with him Friday night," she yelled back at me.

"You couldn't prove it by me. You forget I saw you on the dance floor and then the two of you moved into the corner to finish what you'd started. So if you'll excuse me, I'm downloading something and I know you must have plans for later," I said trying my best to wind this up without getting into an argument or being rude.

"Fuck you Steve, and don't bother calling me any more," was her reply.

"Ann, I think that's what I just told you," I said before closing the door. "That went well I think," I said to myself heading back to my computer.

After that, I dated on and off for about eleven months with basically no one special. Most of them were the 'girl for now' because they were either too immature or we just didn't click.

I was having a beer after work, waiting on a few friends, when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

"Hey shit head, what have you been up to?" Ann said smiling.

"Not much Ann, how about yourself?"

"You know, taking it day by day. Mind if I sit for a moment?"

"Sure, grab a chair," I said standing up pulling out one for her.

"Thought you'd still be mad at me," she said motioning for a waitress.

"If my memory serves me right, you were the one who was angry as you so eloquently told me to fuck off," I said with a smirk.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess I was a little steamed that morning but you can't blame me can you? If you would have at least called I wouldn't have waited around all night, you would have been pissed to."

"I guess you've got a point," I told her as I gave the waitress a ten spot for her drink.

"You didn't have to do that, I would have paid for my own drink."

"Let's just say it was a reconciliatory gesture on my part," I told her clicking my beer bottle to her glass. "To friends."

"To good friends," she corrected me.

My friends came but left after about ten minutes, something about being the odd persons out. Her girl friends dropped their stuff at our table but ended up with a couple of guys' three tables over.

"You hungry?" I asked.

"Starved, you want to grab a bite?"

"Ann, lets get the hell out of this meat market and I know just the place."

El Ranchero was a small family owned Mexican Restaurant I found a few months ago. I went there almost once a week because they had the best Tex Mex food in town with prices that wouldn't break the bank. A Corona for me, a Margareta for her and the sampler platter for the both of us; we were set for the night.

"Dating anyone?" Ann asked finishing off her drink.

"A few, no one special though. How about you?"

"About the same," she replied. "You want to try again?"

"Not really. I've never been a big one for sharing girlfriends or anything else for that matter. Eventually we'd end up the same way again, so why start?"

"How about if we try being exclusive and see how it goes?" Ann said with those wet puppy brown eyes.

"I don't understand why, Ann? "You've always had a ton of guys hitting on you everywhere you go. Why would you want to tie yourself down with just one guy when you could go out with a different one every night?"

"You said it Steve, guys. You're right, I can get a ton of guys, but I'm looking for someone special. Steve, we had fun before. I didn't have to put on a show for you or try to be anyone but myself around you. You took me at my best but when I showed you my worst, you kind of let me walk away. How about if we take it week by week and see how it goes? If it doesn't work, well then at least we can stop and still be friends; how about it?"

I leaned over and gave her a kiss to seal our agreement and she even kissed me back. What did I have to lose?

Things were better than great for the first year. My job was going well, she'd gotten a promotion and we started even talking about the 'M' word for the first time, that's when things took a dump. Ronnie came back to town.

Ann had never mentioned why she and Ronnie broke up and I never asked. I figured if she wanted me to know she'd tell me. We were having drinks at a dance club Thursday night when out of the blue shit head walked up to our table.

I guess he really wasn't a shit head and from what I understood, he really was a nice guy but Ann was mine now.

"Well I'll be damned. Ann, how are you doing?" he said coming over giving her a big hug.

"Ronnie, when did you get back into town? You're still looking as fit as ever," she told him.

"Ann, you don't look so bad yourself. What have you been up to?" he asked avoiding me.

"Same old, same old," she said with a laugh. "Ronnie this is by boyfriend Steve. Steve, this is Ronnie a guy I used to date years ago," she said still looking at him.

"Nice to meet you," I said extending out my hand.

"You better be treating my girl good, she a very special lady," he said looking at Ann.

"Don't you worry, I always treat MY girl like she's someone special."

He never left. He never fucking left our table all night. They talked on and on all night reminiscing about this person or that until they started in on each other. For me that only lasted for about five minutes before I finally spoke up.

"If you guys don't mind I'm going to call it a night. I've got a meeting first thing in the morning and I need some sleep. Ann, I'll call you tomorrow," I said kissing her on the cheek and walking out. I was pissed and she saw it in my eyes as I walked out. She started to say something but stopped.

It's not good to drive when you're pissed. You drive way too aggressive and much too fast. I felt like the odd man out with my own girl. And what pissed me off even more was that fact that Ann didn't call me when she got home that night, probably because she knew I was angry.

I never called her Friday and Saturday I got a text message from Ann asking if I was done sulking. I just texted back, "Did you fuck him Thursday night?" I figured that would bring it to a head.

When Ann called, I felt the heat right through the phone. When she started yelling, screaming and swearing at me, I hung up on her. I hung up on her once more before she finally calmed down, a little anyway.

"I'm on my way over, I'll be there in ten minutes; don't you dare leave," she said hanging up on me.

I was standing by the open door waiting for her as she ran up the stairs towards my apartment.

"We need to talk," she said running past me into my apartment. "Steve, that text was totally uncalled for and you know it," she said starting in on me. "We go way back and I guess I kind of ignored you a little but we just got carried away after not seeing one another for a couple of years."

"A little? Ann, from the moment Ronnie walked up you forgot I was even there for Christ's sakes. I thought I was looking at a love struck teenager the way you hung on his every word."

"Steve, I'm with you now and I'm happy being with you. You don't need to worry about someone from my past."

"Ann, just why did you break up with Ronnie after three years?"

"Steve, that is none of your business. That's between Ronnie and me and doesn't concern you. However, what concerns me is your attitude. I need you to trust me no matter what; do you understand what I'm saying? I can just imagine what your warped mind was imagining Thursday and Friday night. And just to put your mind at ease, no, I didn't sleep with him Thursday night. I gave him a blow job Thursday night and slept with him Friday night but no I didn't sleep with him Thursday night," she said trying to look serious with her arms crossed in front of her.

"Funny, very funny," I said grabbing her. "I hope you at least wore a condom so we don't have any of his rug rats running around our place."

It was supposed to be a damn joke but for some reason Ann didn't take it that way and went nuts on me again yelling and screaming that she didn't sleep with him and why in the hell didn't I believe her.

"Ann, it was a frigging joke. Just like the one you told me when you got here. Lighten up will you. I believe you when you said you didn't sleep with him."

After that she calmed down but she got ashen in color like all the blood had been drained from her body. I grabbed her, held her and kissed the side of her face telling her that I trusted her and did indeed love her. Nothing I said after that seemed to work. I took her to bed and spent at least two hours holding her in my arms until she finally fell asleep. Well, she did anyway as I stared at the walls and ceiling.

Sunday morning, somewhere around eight o'clock, I lost all feeling in my right arm and shoulder. I pried my arm out from under Ann as I felt a million pins start to stick me as the blood rushed back into my arm. I needed coffee and food and I needed it now.

About nine thirty Ann woke up and made her way into my kitchen. I had long since finished breakfast and was sipping on my second cup, biding my time until she woke up.

"Morning, any coffee left?"

I poured a cup and passed it over to her. I wasn't sure which Ann I had in my apartment this morning. I only hoped it wasn't the crazy bitch from last night.

"Sorry about yesterday. I guess I kind of lost it," she said sipping her coffee trying her best not to make eye contact. "One things for sure, after we move in together I make the coffee, this stuff tastes like warm battery acid," she said going over to the sink and pouring it out and smiling at me for the first time in two days. Now show me what you've got for a coffee maker.

She made another pot as I did up some eggs and toast for her. I told her I was sorry but I'd eaten the last of the sausage to which she frowned. She was right, her coffee was much better than mine especially with a little hazelnut creamer in it.

"Ronnie and I had a real bad breakup. It took us a long time to heal but he's very special to me, that's all you really need to know. I no longer have those kind of feelings for him, but I do have them for you," she said now looking directly at me. I'm yours for as long as you want me and I don't plan on going anywhere. So, if we're done with breakfast, I think I owe you a little make-up sex or a lot if you're up to it." I took the larger amount of the two.

We did end up moving in together but Ronnie became a permanent fixture in our lives. The only good thing was that Ann and my sister Carol hit it off and became inseparable after a few months.

"Steve is like a big puppy. He may stumble around and chew up a few of your favorite things, but you'll never find a more loyal and caring person," Carol told Ann one night. "Now, if we could just break him of that slobbering, he would be a real catch," she said as they both laughed looking at me.

Along with my sister and brother-in-law, we hung with a group of about eight couples, mostly her friends. I felt a lot better and more at ease when Ronnie started bringing his new girlfriend to the get togethers. We were having a ton of fun and I was about as close to Ann as two single people could be.

Two months later, over dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, I dropped down on one knee and proposed. I told her I loved her and would be honored if she'd become my wife. She said, "yes," pulling me up and kissing me. Everyone who had been watching us now applauded and the owners brought us over a cake to celebrate which we shared it with all the other patrons.

Ann wanted a small wedding with just immediate family and friends. When we added it all up, we came to only thirty-five people and a few of the out of town people probably wouldn't even show. She asked Carol to be her maid- of-honor and I asked my brother-in-law to be my best man.

Her parents and mine split the costs down the center and I paid for the flowers. I also wanted to pay for Ann's dress but her parents wouldn't hear of it. We picked a small hall, a DJ and with a caterer it was a done deal.

I was about as happy as a person could be as I waited for her to walk down the aisle. When she said 'I do,' I almost cried. About eleven o'clock we took off for an all-inclusive resort and spent the week like most newlyweds. Frolicking in the sun, eating and drinking too much and making love all night long, it was like heaven on earth. It couldn't get any better than this, that is, until she said she was pregnant three months later.

Ann glowed is the only way I can put it. If I was happy, she was ecstatic. She would look at her belly for hours as she rubbed it with oil and when the baby started kicking tears of joy were something I had to get use to.

When Carla was born I didn't think she could get anymore consumed with the baby. She hovered over the baby twenty-four hours a day and when I said something once about not taking care of me to, she just gave me that motherly look and told me it was her job to take care of all of us, and she did.

The baby slept in our bed for the first month, until I finally convinced her to let the baby stay in the crib at least at night.

"Babes, you and I both need a full nights sleep and you can't do that listening to Carla's every breath. You're a great mother but you need to relax a bit to."

How she convinced me to have another one right away I'll never know, but that's what happened. Andy was born eighteen months after Carla and now we had it all. When we moved to a larger home I felt like I'd achieved the great American dream. A wife, two kids, a home in the suburbs and a large mortgage to boot, I had it all.

It seemed that most of the get togethers were now at our house because Ann refused to leave the kids with a sitter. She was ok with either her or my mom watching the kids, but that was it. So, my happy life went on for the next couple of years.

Our sex life was good, but not great. Ann made sure I got just enough so I wouldn't bitch, but not much more. If I complained she made me feel like shit by asking me if I wanted her to neglect our kids for my sexual satisfaction. She sure knew how to push my buttons.

As I said, life went on, get togethers and all. When Ronnie stopped showing up with a date I guess I should have been concerned but hell, he'd now been around forever and I was more than ok with it. When he started showing up at other times and alone I was still dumb and naïve. Hell, Ann married me not him and we were a family. However, the more Ronnie came over, the less sex I got and finally got it through my thick skull something wasn't quite right. The looks she now gave him were longer and more intense. At our get togethers I always seemed to be the busy one, as Ann became the social butterfly mingling with her friends, but not too far away from Ronnie.

When Ann talked about planning another get together I stopped her cold.

"Ann, let's slow this down for a while. I need to have a little more alone time with my wife and the weekends are my only opportunity anymore. I come home at night and you're so tied up with kids I never have a chance to get close to you. Then when we go to bed you're exhausted and there is no us time anymore.