Weekly Sessions 1

Weekly Sessions

Helping a couple move into a new lifestyle

Week 1

"So you both had affairs? Did you believe that they would cancel each other out and leave your marriage unaffected?" I posed the question with no inflection in my voice that would represent a judgment to the couple sitting opposite my chair. I aimed for curiosity, not judgment. I was trying to get them to talk about their relationship and the issues that had brought them to my counseling office.

The couple sat in two separate chairs so we formed a loose triangle of sorts. The two of them were several feet apart, about as far apart as they could be and still be in our three-way conversation. They studiously had both avoided the more relaxed and cozier sofa when they came in because they would have had to sit close together. Both were nervous and avoided looking at the other.

We'd spent several minutes where Lisa and Brad introduced themselves to me, and I to them. They'd each talked about their education and current jobs. They'd been recommended to my family counseling practice by Mike Davis, a previous patient who I counseled along with his wife Jan as they formed an open marriage and weathered the attendant stresses when they started on that path. Brad and Lisa had come at their marriage problems from different directions, and now they were struggling with an approaching split.

Lisa spoke first in response to my first tough question for them, "I don't think we thought about a tit-for-tat. I sort of knew that Brad was doing something, and I guessed that it was with our friend Sarah - actually, she's my best friend ... or she was. Since they started

fucking

, I haven't talked to her." There was an obvious bitter tone to Lisa's voice, and I felt her use of the 'f' word displayed her anger.

I asked in your curious tone again, "And then you got ... involved, so to speak? Was that justified because of Brad spending time with Sarah?"

"Yes, with our neighbor Mike. He kept flirting and paying more and more attention to me. I liked it and just naturally responded to him. I never thought of it as a revenge

fuck

. Mike was so pleasant and suave. When we started to see each other it just felt so natural and comfortable."

I thought that Lisa kept using the word 'fuck' for shock value with her husband. Every time she said the word, Brad would twitch slightly. I almost had to laugh at how textbook this couple appeared to be.

Brad finally spoke up with bitterness in his voice, "Yeah, you responded by getting into bed with him. I thought you'd been doing that for the past year."

Lisa turned to her husband and said in a caustic tone, "Only the past six months. I'm sorry. He ... well, he filled a void in me that you weren't. I'd already guessed that you were already

fucking

Sarah."

I held my hand up in a 'stop' gesture because the couple seemed on the verge of an altercation, not something I wanted to happen in our first counseling session. The tone was bitter. "Just for a few minutes, I'd like you to both suspend judgment about what happened in the past, right up to when you walked into this office. Try to temporarily accept what has happened with curiosity but not judgment or rancor, if that helps. Now, I'd like each of you to tell me where you would like your marriage to go from here? Do you want to remain married? Is counseling a lost cause, but you both feel you need to pretend to go through it for some reason? Are you willing to work to save what you've invested in each other?"

Brad spoke immediately but with controlled anger in his tone, "I want to remain married to Lisa. I'm still in love with her, but I don't know whether she loves me. We haven't used the 'L' word in months ... And, I hope this counseling can put us on a different track and heal what we've both done to the other." He folded his arms across his chest, as though to say 'So there!'

I turned to Lisa, and she spoke hesitantly and more thoughtfully, "I ... I want to get back to loving Brad. The spark is still there, but honestly ... I don't know. I got taken for granted or ignored for too long - years, and so I started to find solace with another man. I'm willing to put in the effort around this counseling, but only if we start to see some progress. If things don't change ... well, I won't see any reason to continue."

Brad spoke up, "You hooked up with a married man. At least Sarah is single."

Lisa blushed, "Yes. I don't know what his wife knows about us - me? Mike told me they had an open marriage, and I never questioned that statement; otherwise, I ... might have been more cautious. I never talked to Jan to verify what he said. Before all this started, we'd seen them socially a few times. Suddenly, I feel guilty for not being sure about her."

Brad started to talk, but I made a subtle gesture, and he paused.

I asked Lisa, "Please continue. What about the future?"

"I'd hope we could go back to what it was like the first year we were married - only better than that in many ways. We were so in love, and we were like rabbits, making love all the time, and we paid exceptional attention to each other. I felt so loved and special. We'd both do little things for each other - gifts, special acts of love, loving touches like a surprise massage - in the nude, or we'd just sit and talk together for hours whenever we could. One time I remember we took sandwiches and a bottle of wine down to the lake to have dinner; we built a fire at the edge of the water and practically stayed all night, just talking to each other about the things that were important to us, and what we hoped for out of life. We couldn't get enough of each other."

Brad softened and said, "Yes that was a special time in our lives. I loved it too."

I gestured to Lisa, "What about Mike?" I tried to pose the question in as neutral a way as I could. I was curious how Lisa would respond.

Lisa balked before she realized she'd given a visible knee-jerk response to my question; "Oh, ... I don't know. I hadn't thought about that. I guess I'd like to remain friends with him in some way ... and with Jan too. They're a nice couple. I'm ... I just don't know what ..." She shook her head with indecision.

I turned to Brad, "What about you and Sarah in the future?"

Brad blushed, "She's the one that urged me to come to counseling when I told her Lisa suggested it. We've gotten serious the past couple of months. She's recently divorced and probably is not looking to repeat anything like a real deep relationship in the near future, plus she's adamant that she doesn't want to be the cause of our breakup. She also wants to be sure that our seeing each other doesn't mess up our counseling too badly. She even said she'd come in and talk to you if that would help for any reason. As for the future, well, I guess that like Lisa with Mike, I'd hope we could be friends. I confess to really liking her - with or without the sex."

Lisa looked surprised at Brad's statement.

"And your relationship with Lisa?" I posited.

Brad thoughtfully said, "Yeah, I'd like that to go back ten years too. That first year we were married was fun. It was as though we didn't have a care in the world, and we could just dote on each other. But then, over time, I think we both took each other for granted, and we got wrapped up in our jobs and the house and making money to pay for our toys. I have a never-ending list of things to do on the house."

I asked, "Do you have money problems?"

Brad shook his head, "I'm not sure how to answer that. We have a lot of credit card debt, plus the mortgage and car payments on two cars. We also have a home equity loan. Most months it's tough to be able to pay off everything. Coming to see you - to afford you - was a big move for both of us, but we agreed that it's important."

I nodded, not sure how to respond to that. I asked, "Did you argue about money?"

Lisa jumped in, "Yes, we did, all the time. We have different priorities, but we've been coming together more and more on what they are. We want to get out of debt."

I raised an eyebrow to pose a question.

Brad said, "I had been thinking longer term - building-up equity in the house, protecting the few assets we have; Lisa was more short-term oriented - wanted to spend any surplus right then, or even take on a little debt to do something fun or get a coveted toy. That said, I'm easily convinced to get my own toys too."

"What are the 'toys' you refer to?"

Lisa and Brad both laughed. Brad blushed, "Mine include a motorcycle, ATV, deluxe ride-around lawnmower, snowmobiles, and a small boat, to name a few of the large ticket items."

Lisa added, "That's unfair to Brad because all those 'toys' sound so male. I have my expensive hobbies too: photography with only the best equipment, horseback riding, golf at a club I wanted to belong to, making jewelry, and ... well, I just started taking flying lessons, but I'm not going to renew the club membership."

I just nodded and again tried not to show any judgment about how overboard I thought both of them sounded with their hobbies, assuming they were all ongoing. I noticed how Lisa had moved to defend her husband.

"Are your jobs secure?"

Brad nodded, "Yes, thank God. I'm in technical sales and have been getting ahead in my company. The company is growing. Lisa is ..."

Lisa interrupted, "I'm in marketing for a small ad agency downtown. This year things have been going really well, so I'm feeling good about things. I'll get a nice bonus ... that'll help payoff the credit cards."

I paused and studied my notepad where I'd taken notes when they introduced themselves. I started to edge back to the gorilla in the room. "You're living apart now, is that correct?"

Brad nodded. "I took a room with a single friend - a guy who's away for three months on assignment, but I check in on the house and to get clothing, mow the grass, and other stuff all the time. I try not to bug Lisa when I do. We've only been apart for two weeks."

Lisa just nodded to confirm the fact. I could sense the distance they'd put between themselves.

I checked the clock on the wall, placed so it would be obvious to my patients. I had explained when we started our session not only that we would end the session after fifty minutes, but also my overall philosophy about couples therapy.

I suggested, "I would like to meet individually with each of you for an hour next week. I want to explore with each of you the roots and motivations for your marriage, your work, your affairs, and how you'll deal with them eventually. Can you both think about that before we meet?"

Brad nodded.

Lisa said, "Yes, I'll be glad to share that with you."

Week 2

Brad sat opposite me in the chair, obviously more relaxed than he'd been the week before when Lisa was present.

I started the session with a simple statement: "Tell me about Sarah."

Brad rambled around, "I knew Sarah through Lisa; they were friends. Things started to happen after I'd meet Sarah a few times at the Starbucks next to my office. I was in there almost every day, and she'd be there also because the place was near her job too. At first, we just waved hello to each other, but then I took the initiative one-day and talked to her. I felt like a clod because I thought she was so sophisticated, but she was friendly and put me at ease. We ended up talking all morning that day, and finished knowing a lot about each other. I didn't mention Lisa too much, but we acknowledged our relationship and her friendship with my wife."

"How did you portray your marriage?"

"I probably said we were going through a rocky period and not much else. Sarah didn't respond either way that day, and we moved on to other topics."

"How did things get ... more serious?"

"One morning I met Sarah for our morning cup of coffee, and I could tell she'd been crying. Her eyes were red and her makeup was streaked. I pushed a little, and she confided that she and her exhusband had a bad argument. She was sad that the guy she'd loved had moved on and left her in the dust, even humiliated her with rude comments after they decided to cool things down." Brad paused and then went on, "That day, Lisa had told me she would be late getting home from some late client dinner, so I was on my own for dinner. I asked Sarah out for drinks and dinner. She accepted immediately, and we made arrangements to meet."

Brad paused and looked at me, I think to judge how much to reveal to me at this point in our session. He continued, "We met after work when I picked her up at her condo. She kissed me at the door, and it was like a jolt of electricity for each of us. If I weren't in love before, I was then. We went out to dinner, and we flirted incessantly over the meal. We'd done a little of that over coffee, but this was at a whole new level. Reflecting back, we were really out to seduce one another."

He paused and added, "The seductions worked. After dinner we went back to her place for a nightcap, so to speak. The night cap was a lot of sex?"

I asked, "Foreplay?"

Brad chuckled, "A lot of it. We made out for an hour with our hands all over each other, teasing in a sexual way. I gradually got into her blouse and under her bra so I could suck on her beautiful tits, and she went wild with desire and passion. I couldn't remember the last time ... err, Lisa had responded that way to me."

After a pause Brad went on, "Suddenly, my pants were around my knees and Sarah was giving me a blowjob - something else I couldn't remember in the recent past. We shifted around, and soon I had a finger inside her pussy. The next I knew we were naked and Sarah had straddled my hips on her sofa. She lowered herself onto me, as I held my erection up for her. I was harder than steel. We slid together so easily; I just thought it was meant to be. We made love twice, and then I went home. Although it was late, I still got home before Lisa."

"How did you feel?"

"Guilty, you mean? Not at all, I felt on Cloud Nine. I felt loved and needed by someone again. I tried to think logically about the situation, for instance, telling myself that I was feeling New Relationship Energy, and that our apparent honeymoon phase would eventually pass and that we'd see each other's faults and part ways. I knew I was amplifying Lisa's faults and my worries about her having an affair, and I also knew I was partly using that as justification for my actions."

"May I inquire how you knew about Lisa's affair?"

"Sure. We'd seen Jan and Mike about once every month or two for a cookout or dinner, or even just drinks on the back deck when the weather was good. Lisa and Mike had started to make 'ga-ga' eyes at each other one time, and then I noticed they had their own little private jokes together. I knew for sure one night after I got home on the late side. When I went to take my shower, I happened to see Lisa's undies on top of the laundry; the crotch was covered in cum. I was shocked, but decided to hide it instead of confronting her. I'm not sure why I responded that way. I found her playing around arousing."

"You're a cuckold?"

"In a way. I didn't end up with my cock in a cage, or having to eat Mike's cum from Lisa's pussy, but I did turn a blind eye to what was going on. For a long time, I was sure that Lisa didn't know that I knew. Occasionally, Lisa would excuse herself to go over to his house for an hour or so when Jan was away. She'd have some good excuse about planning something on the weekend, or a surprise for Jan, or something. The excuses were lame, but I let them go by unchallenged. I realize I wanted her to go and fuck him. Sometimes, I'd jerk off while she was over there just thinking about what they were doing."

"Why?"

"I found the idea of another man fucking my wife erotic and arousing. I wasn't facilitating the affair except by feigning ignorance of what was going on. I found drippy underwear sometimes after that, so I was sure I was right. Lisa also started to talk about Mike and Jan's open marriage, as though we should do something like that. I'm guessing she was feeling a little guilty. I guess because I was silently complicit, we did have an open marriage."

I said, "You used the term 'fuck' between Lisa and Mike, and 'make love' between you and Sarah. Would you care to comment on that distinction?"

Brad thought, "I guess I didn't want Lisa falling out of love with me, and in love with Mike. Deep down I was worried she might leave me for him. I have my insecurities and jealousies. As for Sarah, I was in puppy love with her from the start. The sex was a beautiful addition to our relationship at that point."

."

Brad continued, "Based on what Lisa said last week, she seems to be 'in love' with Mike now. I sensed she doesn't want that to end. I can't say I blame her, he's a man's man - handsome, seems to have his act together, and oozes sex appeal." He thought a minute and added, "Yeah, you're probably right. What's the adage about affairs, men do it for sex, and women do it for love."

I was silent to see what Brad would say next.

Brad continued, "I was not a good husband. I neglected Lisa. When we got married I was all over her and couldn't do enough for her, but then I got selfish - I admit it. I wanted her only when I wanted her. I started to focus on my career, and that resulted in long hours, work over the weekends, late nights, and so forth. When I wasn't working I played hard with the toys we told you about last week, or working on the house. I guess because it was always available sex became an afterthought."

Brad sighed, "Lisa complained at first, but then just gave up on me - on us. She became fiercely independent, developed her own circle of friends and hobbies, and just did her own thing. Occasionally we'd find ourselves available to each other. We'd maybe go out with others, but it was as though we were hiding from being alone together. Yes, we'd have sex, but even that got to be few and far between, particularly since for the past months we both had Sarah and Mike."

I asked, "Do you feel you need to do something to change that situation?"

Brad was blunt and answered instantly, "Yes. Hell, yes. I thought a lot about Lisa after last week's session with you. I want to stay married to her, but I want to try to be the husband she wants and needs. I was a shit for most of the past decade. I want to change that. I guess I need to start over again with her - date her, romance her, and fall in love again, if she'll have me. Last night I even dreamed that we had a recommitment ceremony. If I could work it, I'd do that and more."

I posed, "How will you feel about her infidelity?"

Brad sat back in his chair, obviously challenged to respond. "That'll be hard, and I'm not sure. I can forgive her, but not forget what happened. It doesn't matter who went first; we were both unfaithful to our marriage. Somehow we have to start over."

I again held my tongue to see where Brad took the topic.

"Lisa said last week she still wants a relationship with Mike. I'm not sure I could handle that if other things don't change, like how she acts towards me. I'll have to think more about that. I guess if I love her enough I'd want her to find happiness in any way that she could, even if it were occasionally in the arms of another lover."

I made a mental note to explore that same topic with Lisa the following day when she had her appointment with me.

We chatted some more around the same topics, and then our session ended.

* * * * *

Lisa was on time for her four o'clock appointment the next day. She seemed nervous and fidgeted with putting her glasses in her purse as she sat.

After we sat I explained, "Lisa, this is our time together. I will share nothing you say with Brad, nor will I tell you about anything we talked about. Parts of these individual sessions are for you to talk about and explore topics that you need clarity on. I will ask my usual probing questions, but you don't have to answer them. You seem nervous, and there's no reason for that with me. I won't complain or beat you up for anything you say or did or plan to do. That's for you to deal with."