Ever since I reached puberty, I've been very conflicted. It's easy to explain: my parents have very strong religious views and they brought my sister and me up that way. The conflict comes from the fact that I have sexual urges that they would have considered very, VERY improper.
I had my first period when I was 12. I'd only heard about these things happening from a couple of friends at school. My mom never told me anything about it. One morning I woke up and when I went to get out of bed, I realized the crotch of my pajamas were covered in blood as were the sheets. (I've always been a heavy bleeder.) To say the least, I was hysterical.
Mom came in, took one look at the mess, then looked at me as I stood there crying and shaking, told me to "clean myself up" and we would talk when I got downstairs. "And don't forget to strip your bed!"
The first words out of mom's mouth when we talked were, "So now you know what 'the curse is'." You can gather the way the rest of the conversation went. She let me stay home from school that morning, but only because she didn't have any sanitary napkins. (She was 46 and had already lost her period.) Tampons were totally not on the radar.
Did we ever talk about the birds and bees? No. The little bit I knew was all gleaned in furtive conversations with my friends. Mom told me to stay away from boys "because they all want only one thing". Funny thing was, she would never tell me what that one thing was.
Fast forward to when I was 15. I hadn't been out on a date, hadn't even held hands with a boy, because I knew if I did, my parents would ground me for a century. That's what they said. "Concentrate on school and church. When God believes you're ready, he'll reveal your future husband to you."
Wanting to be a good daughter, I did just that. I got pretty good grades and immersed myself in sports, something I was really good at. Of course, being around jockettes led to a lot of locker room discussion on that most important of topics: boys. Sitting in my corner and listening in, I learned a lot -- and I was fascinated.
Some of my teammates were pretty wild and dating older boys. Their stories really opened my eyes. By the time I was 17, I knew all about things like blow jobs, getting eaten out, gang bangs, you name it.
And that's where the conflict came in. My parents had always told me these thoughts were "impure" and went against God's will. But I couldn't help myself. Sex fascinated me. I thought about it all the time.
I remember the first time I touched myself between my legs. I'd heard about masturbation when I was 14 but knew that good girls didn't do that sort of thing. You may not believe it, but I resisted until I was 18. That's when my best friend showed me exactly how to do it. She wanted me to do it WITH her, but I was far too embarrassed for that. But even though I knew it was very wrong indeed, I stayed to watch her. I know now that she was interested in seeing if I would be open to the idea of fooling around with her, but at that point I was pretty naive.
"I can't believe you've never brought yourself off, Val! You don't know what you've been missing!"
First she waited until her folks went out. (We went to the same church and her parents were a lot like mine, but Steph had always been a little bit wild and was punished often.)
"Always lock your door!" she said, "because if you're going to do this right, you want to be naked." My eyes must have bugged out because Steph began laughing. "Haven't you ever seen another person naked, Valerie?"
Of course I had being involved in sports, but having someone naked right in front of you and ready to do all sorts of nasty things had been the stuff of my fantasies -- until then.
Stephanie's eyes were locked on mine as she opened the snap at the top of her jeans and worked them down over her hips. I kept my gaze on her face not wanting to look down. Her panties weren't big ones like mine but small and pink and lovely, barely covering her tush, and I was instantly jealous.
"I can't believe your mom lets you wear those."
"She doesn't know I have 'em. I bought them with my baby sitting money and I wash them in the bathroom sink when she's not around."
I stopped her as she began to pull her sweatshirt over her head. "Do you have to be completely, um, naked?"
"Oh come on, Val! Don't be a big stick in the mud. It's more fun if you don't have any clothes on. What are you worried about?"
"What if your parents come home? You couldn't get dressed fast enough."
"Relax. They won't be home for hours. Besides, the door's locked. Do you think they're going to break it down or something?"
Steph's father was pretty large and I knew he had a bad temper. Quite frankly, he scared me.
Not able to reason with her, Steph soon had her sweatshirt and bra off. The panties quickly followed. She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, head cocked to one side. "Sure you don't want to join me? There's room enough on the bed for two."
I just shook my head, but my mouth was dry. Stephanie had a beautiful body. Her breasts were bigger than mine and hung down more and had huge nipples. The dark hair between her legs was thick and bushy, unlike mine which was rather sparse and straight, like the oriental girls on my soccer team. I wondered how many boys fantasized about what I was seeing in front of me. Even though she only was allowed to date boys from church and then only at church functions (like me, once I'd turned 17), she flirted with all the boys at school.
Steph threw her sweatshirt over the lamp on her night table to soften the light, then lay down on the comforter and spread her legs shamelessly. Reaching under the pillow she pulled out a white tube. I thought it was toothpaste.
"It's KY jelly, silly! Never do this without lubricant unless you're really wet." She reached down between her legs and her middle finger disappeared into her bush. "Mmmm. I think having an audience agrees with me. I'm super wet. Do you ever get wet, Valerie?"
My face burned as I thought about Tom who was in my history class. The head of the student council, basketball star and favorite of just about every girl in the senior class, I had spent an entire period the previous week working on a project with him. Well, he worked, I just sat there with a glazed expression, trying to imagine what he would look like with his clothes off. What his erect penis would look like. When I got to Phys Ed immediately after, my panties were soaked and I could imagine every girl in the locker room could smell it.
That's when I decided that I needed to learn how to masturbate, even if it meant I would go straight to hell because of it.
"Uh, yea...a couple of times."
She patted the bed next to her. "Sit here. You're making me nervous standing there staring at me like that. Besides, you'll be more comfortable. I'm going to make this last awhile."
I sat way at the end as Steph pulled her knees up to give me room. It also gave me a pretty hair-raising view of her open genitals. The room suddenly felt very warm.
"Now, do you know all the things a girl has down here?"
"I did take health class, thank you," I answered rather tartly. I wasn't THAT much of a rube!
I watched as Steph used the fingers of one hand to spread her labia apart, and the other hand to pull up on the skin at the top of her slit.
"This little thing here is going to be your very best friend."
"You mean the clitoris?"
"I like to call it my clit or 'hot button', 'cause that's what it is."
She scooped some moisture from farther down her slit onto her first two fingers and then lightly passed them over her clitoris.
"Oh God! I am SO hot. Do you like watching this, Val? Does it make you hot, too?"
I didn't know what to say. I could feel my whole groin throbbing and I was sure my panties would be soaked in a short time. The feeling had never been this strong before and it sort of frightened me. One part of me wanted to strip off all my clothes and join Stephanie in pleasuring myself, but I also knew that what we were doing was against everything we'd been taught. Still, I couldn't tear my eyes away.
Steph began to rub herself more frantically with her hips making little thrusting movements and her head was tossing from side to side. "Val, will you pinch my nipples for me? That turns me on so much! Please?"
I was shocked. The thought of touching someone else in such an intimate way was beyond my comprehension. I seldom touched myself there! "I can't, Steph. I just can't."
She looked up at me with a glazed expression lost in her sexual feelings. "That's all right. I can do it myself if I have to."
Steph stopped holding herself open with her left hand and immediately began tugging and twisting at her nipples with it. I thought to myself that it must hurt to do that so hard, but she seemed to be doing anything but suffering from it.
Her hand between her legs was almost a blur as she rubbed a stroked and pulled at her clitoris. By now she wasn't talking anymore, just moaning and thrashing around on the bed as if an invisible lover was taking his pleasure on her body.
My mouth was dry and I squeezed my legs together in an effort to relieve the pulsing pressure in my womanhood. As Stephanie's heat increased I could feel my body doing the same and without realizing what I was doing, one hand reached up and started rubbing my breast.
Steph noticed immediately and smiled slyly. "Are you sure you won't join me? I guarantee you won't believe what it feels like!"
