My friend Alan and I sat on the couch in the hotel room I was renting. He had a DVD player set up on the coffee table and was ready to show me what he had recorded earlier at his funeral home. The funeral in question was for Austin Dublin, the father of two, the husband of Tracy, and, unknown to most, the lover of my wife Vera.
Alan told of how he explained to Tracy that it was normal now to videotape visitation and funeral services. Sometimes a family liked to play back the DVD to remember who came by to pay their respects as well as to have something to show relatives and friends who were unable to attend the funeral. Alan said he started the camera on the tripod at the back of the room and then left to go into his office.
The video showed the open casket in the back of the room. Not much of Austin's body could be seen by the camera. That was too bad as Austin was a handsome man who died of a heart attack at a relatively young age. Unlike many corpses, he probably really did look like himself. The ornate casket had a shiny copper skin with fluted handles. Behind and to the side of the casket were flowers on various height stands. Some were in wreaths, some in bouquets, and some were potted plants for the wife to take home. After having attended so many funerals, it was easy for me to imagine that the competing smell of all the different flowers which I was sure made it smell like, well, a funeral home. On one side of the room were a couple of bulletin boards of pictures from different times of his life from baby to grown adult. On the other side of the room was a video playing that also was made up of a lifetime of pictures set to music.
As people began to sign the guest register, take a memorial brochure, and file into the room; Tracy and her daughter Shannon and son Harvey stood solemnly in front of the casket to the right. Person after person went by in single file, some hugging, some crying, and all were 'sorry for your loss.' Many facial tissues bit the dust that day. Among the first to arrive and spend the most time with the grieving family was my wife Vera and our daughter Alicia. Our son, Randy, had recently married and was living in another state. He had started a new job and couldn't get away to come to a funeral of a non-relative.
Our families though not related couldn't have been closer. We were regularly at their house and vice versa. I had considered Austin as my best friend, at least until he died, and I discovered he had considered me clueless sap and cuckold. Vera was Tracy's best friend and Tracy was Vera's. Tracy was Aunt Tracy to my son Randy and daughter. Vera was Aunt Vera to Shannon and Harvey.
My wife and Alicia occupied two VIP seats in the front row to the left of the room and also were approached by many of the people who had completed the family condolences and casket viewing portion of their observance. The closeness of our families was well known. I was sure Vera was asked where I was by a lot of people who talked to her. I'm not sure what lie she made up about my absence. I told her that Austin's loss was too much for me to handle in public. She said she understood, but I know she was disappointed because I was supposed to speak as one of those delivering his eulogy.
There was canned church music playing in the background. The crowd got to hear a mixture of old favorites like 'The Old Rugged Cross' and 'Amazing Grace' as well as some folk songs like 'May the Circle be Unbroken' and 'On the Wings of a Dove.' Eventually, the visitation line wound down to less than a trickle. Tracy and her kids sat down, tissues in hand, on the front row to the right of the room. Soon, the music stopped, and the room went silent except for a sob or two. Tracy and Austin's minister began to gather his Bible and typed message as he moved to the podium.
Many of the people gathered didn't notice the figure at first, but soon all eyes were on the tall well-dressed gentleman with a briefcase who walked sternly down the middle isle to the front of the room. He stopped at the front row, looked at my wife, opened the briefcase, and pulled out an envelope. When he was sure he had her and everyone else's attention, he said in a loud voice, "Vera Hughes, you have been served a divorce petition on the grounds of adultery." The crowd went from deafening silence to a crescendo of murmurs. Before the crowd could muster a response, the man turned to Tracy and spoke more loudly to be heard above the din, "The estate of Austin Dublin is being served a suit for Interference with the Marriage of Vera and Bob Hughes. You, as the Executor of the estate of adulterer Austin Dublin, is being given the suit." Tracy sprang up from her seat quickly reading the papers in her hand. At first, she seemed dumbfounded as what to do. Then her hands started crumbling the papers with a vengeance.
I could see the moment of recognition in Tracy's face when she caught on to the implications of the man's two statements, she glared over at Vera who shouted, "It's not true. It's all Robert's fault." As if on cue, the screen on which the video of the highlights of Austin's life that had earlier been playing was now showing the lowlights of Vera and Austin's recent sex acts. The chaos that had ensued from the server's announcements multiplied into a maelstrom. Some people were disgusted and left making comments under their breath as they escaped. A couple of people went to find the source of the video and soon it was shut down. Tracy went over to Vera and slapped my wife's face prior to a full-on frontal assault. Alicia tried in vain to protect her mother. Tracy's children tried to pry their mother off Vera who was now grappling with Tracy on the floor. The kids found that it was difficult to pull apart two women who each had two hands full of their opponent's long hair. In a few minutes, someone had the presence of mind to stop the camera.
Alan and I laughed our asses off at what we had seen. Alan told of how he had claimed he had been bound in his office by and unknown assailant who had substituted the pornography starring Vera and Austin for the life of Austin video. He was unable, of course, to identify the supposed masked culprit. An assistant was the one who actually bound him.
Tracy and her family was assured that the DVD in the camera was the only copy of the funeral and it had been destroyed along with the copy of the sex video that had been shown to the crowd. In fact, the image the funeral camera was capturing had also been sent to Alan's computer where it was saved. In response to a question from Tracy, Alan swore he had no idea where the porn video came from much less if there were any more copies than the one in the projector now destroyed.
I, of course, was suspected. I, of course, had an air-tight alibi to prove I could not have been the one who tied up Alan and played the video. It seems that I was mourning the loss of my dear friend by playing in a golfing foursome with the Chief of Police, the District Attorney, and one of the Circuit Court Judges at the time of the funeral. Again, I, of course, was assumed to be the photographer and editor of the Greatest Sex Moments video in the first place. If asked, I would plead the fifth. I was never asked. No one could claim a crime had been committed except whoever tied up Alan.
That evening Alan and I replayed the video three times before we had our fill. He had it sent to be copied for possible future use. I checked my phone for messages from my dear wife. It seems that Vera had assumed right away that I had done it and she made it clear in very colorful language that she was going to see that I paid dearly for it. She couldn't see why I would do something like that. Funny, that was exactly what my initial question was when I first saw the video of her and Austin.
While I was playing golf, I had some furniture movers take my stuff to a new apartment I had rented. When Vera arrived home, she would find my stuff missing and a note along with my wedding ring on the table.
"To my cheating wife:
"The attached list of email addresses are all the people to whom I will send a copy of the porn video starring you and Austin unless... The decision you have to make is whether or not you will accept my generous terms of divorce or not. If not, copies will be sent to one and all. I confess, if I could videotape the reaction of your mother, your boss, and your minister; I would send it anyway. It's up to you. The terms are simple: 50/50 on assets, you keep the house until Alicia moves out at which time the house will be sold and we split the equity, you keep your car and primary custody of Alicia while I pay child support and half her college. No alimony. Believe me I can get better terms if I show the film to a judge.
"All further contact should be between you and my attorney or your attorney and my attorney."
"P.S. I thought you were quite photogenic. You might have a career in pornography."
*****
I was not bothered by calls, voice mails or texts because I got rid of my old phone and number. I didn't bother to check my personal emails. My lawyer was allowed to give my new number to my son and daughter under the provision that they would not tell their mother the number. The first call the next morning was from my daughter, Alicia. "Dad, you have really made a mess of our lives. Everything has gone to hell. The phone has been ringing off the hook. TV reporters showed up at the door. Mom just stays in her room, curses you and cries. I had to call into work for her to get sick leave. I'm afraid to leave her alone by herself. Dad, I have to go to my classes. Someone needs to come over and watch her. You've got to help."
"Actually, no I don't. She knew exactly the risk she was taking when she hooked up with Austin. She continued the affair well aware of the possibilities that would come whenever I and/or Tracy found out. The best thing for her would be to publicly admit her sin and suffer the consequences for her betrayal. Maybe it will teach her not to cheat on her next husband."
"Come on, Dad. It was Uncle Austin. You flirted with Aunt Tracy as much as Mom did with Uncle Austin. I wouldn't be surprised if you and Aunt Tracy haven't been having sex too. A lot of people asked me if you guys were wife swapping. Mom said that it was just sex and now he's gone, you never have to worry about her cheating again. Can't you cut her a break and forgive her? You just can't dump her. Think of all the years you had together. For God's sake, you guys are about to have your 25
th
anniversary... Dad? Did you just hang up on me?"
After stomping on the phone, I immediately went out and, once again, got a new phone and phone number. This time I informed my lawyer to call me before giving out the new number. He said my son had called and asked for my new number. I went ahead and called Randy myself.
"Geez, Dad. I don't come home for Uncle Austin's funeral and the fucking world blows up. Did you really play a porno tape of Mom and Uncle Austin having sex at his funeral?" I could hear him snickering.
"Some people have alleged I did that. Your sister seems to think that Tracy and I have been having sex too since your mother and Austin were. What do you think?"
"It's hard for me to believe that Mom would cheat on you with anyone although Uncle Austin probably would have been my first guess. It's harder to believe you would cheat on Mom. You're too straight an arrow. That also makes it difficult for me to believe you would show a porn video and have Mom served at the funeral. You must have been really pissed. I would like to look at the videos to see if Alicia's description is accurate. By the way, Alicia is pretty down on both Mom and you. She's also mad at me for not coming home to help her out with Mom since you refused to be 'reasonable' as she put it."
"Son, I think you will understand why I am acting the way I am when you see what your mother and Austin were doing over the last few years. I will see if I could get the person who has copies of both videos and send you a copy. Once you look at it, call me back. And Randy, do not give anyone this phone number."
"Got it, Dad."
I emailed the videos to my son. In 45 minutes, he called back. "Wow! I think I would have killed Marci if she had cheated on me like that. Their dialogue was worse than the sex. What's with all the complaints from Mom about you? Are you really that bad in bed? And I had no idea that Uncle Austin and Aunt Tracy were having the problems he told Mom about."
"Randy, it doesn't matter how good I think I am or I'm not in bed. It only matters that your mother thought someone would be better and she decided to find out. It didn't matter to me if it was Austin or the Fed Ex man. He must have been better than me since she and he kept going at it for years."
"How's Aunt Tracy taking it? I tried calling Shannon but all she would say is that she no longer wanted to talk to anyone from our perverted family."
"I don't know. I probably should call Tracy and apologize. She's one of the victims, too. The incident at the funeral home was more than a little bit overboard on my part."
