Once again, a short story I concocted during a break while writing a longer story. This has NO SEX so if that's what you're looking for, please take a pass. I promise there will be more sex in my next story.
*****
"Under the influence"
When I was young and reckless I would sometimes drink quite heavily. I have no idea how it was that I never got stopped because there were many a night when I found myself in the parking lot of my apartment complex and had no idea how I got there.
One night I got so stinking drunk I tripped and fell across a railroad track while staggering back to my car. I tried to get up but couldn't get my equilibrium and just flopped around between the wooden ties and rocks like a freshly caught trout.
About the time I was considering to just sleep it off right there, I was suddenly bathed in bright light and heard a train whistle. I looked up and saw the gigantic engine bearing down on me as it signaled my impending doom. In my panic, I tried again and again to stand but couldn't. I finally regained enough control over my body to crawl out of the way about ten seconds before being crushed under its steel wheels.
Later that night, as I sobered up, I made a promise to myself; never get drunk again! No, I didn't go to AA, I didn't take any twelve step programs, and I didn't stop drinking. I simply drank responsibly from that night forward. I never got drunk or even a little tipsy again. While out with the guys, I'd nurse one or two beers all night; on dates maybe I would have a glass of wine but that was it.
I'm still like that today. I haven't had so much as a buzz in over ten years. That's why I was surprised one night when my wife, Cora, and two friends of ours, Brad and Susie Cunningham, seemed to be attempting to get me drunk. I suspected there was some kind of a bet going on. Someone was betting they could get me drunk and somebody was betting against them. I was hoping my wife was the latter. We could always use a little extra money.
The evening started out normal enough. Cora informed me two days prior that she had invited the Cunningham's to dinner. I wouldn't call them our best friends but we'd known each other for a few years and got together every so often.
Cora and I were both still in the kitchen when she saw their car lights hit the picture window in the living room as they turned into the drive. "Honey, can you get the roast out of the oven while I go greet them," asked Cora, undoing the bow behind her apron.
"Sure, honey. You go let them in and I'll be there in a minute." I put on a pair of oven mitts and could hear mutterings of the usual welcoming banter coming from the front hall as I pulled the roaster from the oven. I set it on the stove and checked to make sure it was done. I was already heading for the gleesome threesome when everything unexpectedly went quiet. As I rounded the corner I thought I picked up on some whispering between the three of them. Of course I had no reason yet to be suspicious. "Hey, hey, there'll be no secrets in this house," I joked. My jovial comment seemed to catch them all off guard.
"Hey, old buddy," replied Brad, being the first to bounce back.
"Hi Steve," Susie interjected before I had a chance to answer her husband. She reached up and kissed me on the cheek as Cora hung up their coats in the hall closet.
"Hey, what's a guy got to do to get a drink around here," Brad bellowed as we shook hands.
Now I was the one slightly taken aback. We'd barely said hi and he was already harassing me for a drink? I was beginning to wonder if they'd already had a couple before coming over.
"Just follow me," I responded. They all tailed me into the den and took seats while I played host and made the drinks. I handed both Cora and Susie a glass of white wine. Brad was a vodka martini man. I didn't have to ask, if he ever changed his drink I think I'd faint. I popped the top of my lite beer just before handing Brad his martini.
"Why don't you make one of these for yourself and join me?"
"Nah, I'll stick with what I've got," I responded.
"Beer, beer, beer," he muttered. "You're no fun. Come on, Steverino, be a man tonight; make yourself a real drink," he said holding up his martini to illustrate, a real drink.
Much to my surprise, Cora chimed in. "Yeah, honey. I don't think I've ever seen you with anything but a beer before. Why not join Brad."
I looked at my wife a little stunned. We had never really talked about why I didn't drink heavily. I wasn't proud of the way I used to get smashed. Unlike some, I never thought of getting drunk as one of life's major accomplishments so I never discussed it with Cora. I wasn't trying to keep it from her, it just never came up in conversation. Still, after 7 years of marriage you'd think she'd know I didn't drink to get drunk.
Her comment was my first clue that something was going on. Whatever it was, it must have been what they were whispering about when they first came in. That meant all three of them were in on it.
Immediately my mind went into search mode. What could they be planning? It had to be something to do with my drinking...or the lack thereof. I came to the only conclusion I could think of—a bet. Since no one had ever seen me drunk before, I was sure Brad bragged that he could get me sloshed and Cora probably bet him he couldn't...but why would she encourage me to drink? Maybe she just wanted to make sure Brad and Susie couldn't accuse her of cheating some way when it was time to pay off. Or, maybe it was Susie who bet in my favor.
"Maybe later," I said. This all seemed so strange. I needed some time to mull things over.
I began to really doubt my wife was in my corner at dinner when she tried giving me another beer before I was even half done with my first one.
I decided the only way I was going to find out what the hell was going on was to play along—but how? I couldn't very well pour my beer down the drain and say I drank it...too noticeable. I thought of a plan.
After dinner we all retired to the living room. Cora and the Cunningham's took their seats while I headed for the bar. "Another martini, Brad?"
"Does the Pope crap in the woods?"
"I'm guessing that's a yes," I replied to the crude remark. "You know—maybe I will have one with you. I'll make a pitcher." I watched closely as everyone looked at each other and grinned. That's when I guessed that maybe they were all trying to get me drunk just to see if they could. It was all I could think of. Well, the joke would be on them. I was going to play it to the hilt.
While everyone was talking and not paying attention to me, I made two pitchers; one of martinis and one consisting of nothing more than lemon-water. If I put it in a martini glass and dropped an olive in it no one would be the wiser. I set the martinis on top of the bar and the other pitcher on the shelf behind the bar. As long as no one watched me pour them I was home free.
I brought another glass of white wine for each of the ladies then went back for the martinis. As I handed Brad his glass I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I took a sip from mine. I wished I could immediately start acting drunk but obviously they'd never fall for that so I had to play it cool for a while and allow myself to get slowly inebriated.
As we sat and talked it didn't take me long to down my drink. I got up and went to the bar. "Brad, another one?"
"No thanks, Steve, I still have some but you go ahead."
I made sure no one was watching and poured another lemon-water, added an olive and rejoined the group. I didn't want to make it look obvious so I took a little more time with that one.
After another twenty or thirty minutes of conversation, Cora asked for another white wine.
