Ugly American

Thanks to mikothebaby for her editing Advise. All and any errors are all mine.

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...from Part 1

Now I am certain at some point in my life I have done dumber things then throwing white hot lighted flares onto an ocean of jet fuel. But at that moment, I truly could not recall committing a more inane dim-witted act.

The first few flares went out, or had no effect. I knew that the fuel was lighter than seawater, so the fuel must be on the surface. I tried to keep the rising panic down as a pirate zodiac almost reached the ship.

Suddenly I remembered it was not the fuel that burns,-it was the vapors coming off the fuel that burns. We were down to throwing out our last flares when unexpectedly a massive WHOOSH of air crackled thru the sky. The churning wake from the ship had agitated the fuel enough for vapors to be developed. These vapors had ignited!

Little did we know I had unintentionally created a small Fuel Air Bomb close to the surface of the water. A mini mushroom cloud rose up as a fireball spread out, sucking oxygen from the air. The Filipino was faster and wiser ducking down behind the ships railing plate. I was still standing there with my mouth open, staring at the sight when the concussion blast reached the ship, slamming into me hard.

Last I remember was being picked up, and then hurled several yards into the aft bulkhead before darkness slid over me...

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I tried to open my eyes, but my vision would not focus. It felt like the worst hangover in the world. My head was throbbing , my face felt stiff. Someone must have worked over my body with a sledgehammer, even my hair hurt.

"About bloody time you woke up you lazy bastard." Someone said in a thick Scottish accent.

As I turned my head, my vision cleared. Mac was sitting beside me in a chair. I was in a bed, but it sure as hell wasn't in my tiny contractor cabin. I was in a massive bed; the room was huge with paintings on the wall. I even saw a grand piano reflected in the large sliding glass patio doors that led to a balcony overlooking the sea.

Mac saw my confusion, and grinned. "Not bad ah Darrin? After your little Texas barbeque stunt the passengers in the Royal suite insisted you stay here to recover. They moved to another cabin."

"I told you, I'm not from Texas. Although I do man a mean grill."

I looked around again. "Mac, this is..I don't know really too much. I just got lucky, that's all."

Mac got up, rubbing his hands. "I'd rather be good then lucky any day Darrin my boy. The whole ship is talking about that cowboy feat you pulled off. Last I heard they got you drinking the fuel while lighting fire out your ass, shooting flames from your backside at them bloody pirates."

I tried to smile, but the sides of my cheeks burned in pain.

Mac got a solemn look on his face as he said. "Seriously Darrin, that deed took quick thinking, coupled with a big brass set of balls to back it up." Mac paused again before a smile returned to his face. "That exploit was almost Special Boat Service worthy,now don't you be getting a big head. I said ALMOST."

I touched my face, it hurt like hell.

Mac started pacing the room. "Never thought of ducking for cover Darrin? My instructor used to say to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, then call whatever you hit the target."

I tried to sit up in bed. "Mac, I thought I was a goner when that blast hit me."

Mac grabbed a mirror off the dresser, shoving it in my face. "You fool, you're too ugly to die."

I gasped, putting a hand to my face confirming it was really my reflection in the mirror. My eyebrows were gone, with a lot of my hair singed away. Some white salve was on my nose, and lips. The rest of my face had the look of a bad sunburn. To top it off, the left eye was swollen, ringed with three different shades of red, purple, and yellow".

Just then Zoie came out of the bathroom, ever the profession in her Medical garb with a stethoscope hanging around her neck.

"Mac, I going make you leave if you upset my patient." Zoie then shoved a digital probe into my mouth that was attached to a monitor. At the same time she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around my bicep.

Mac ignored Zoie. "I got more good news Darrin. Because the ship dumped most of its standard fuel frying them pirates, the ROYAL VIKING has been running on our biofuel for the better part of two days." He got up, and clapped his hands. "Been running great too! Even that hard headed Nordski Chief Engineer is happy!"

Zoie turned, pointing toward the door. "That's it Mac, out. Don't make me have the Captain call security on you."

"OK Lassie, I'm going, I'm going." Mac threw me a salute as he left.

Zoie turned to me, I was surprised to see tears in her eyes that she wiped away with the cuff of her sleeve. "Darrin. what am I going to do with you."

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In between the ship Doctor looking me over, the rest of the day was a steady parade of visitors, with Zoie keeping visit time to a minimum. She was watching over me like a mother hawk, ushering even the Captain out, when Zoie felt my strength was waning.

My favorite visitor was the passengers who had given up this massive suite for me. I was surprise to see it was the elderly Scot who had first dropped his pants "mooning" the pirates. He and his wife were quite the couple, refusing to accept my thanks for use of their accommodations.

"Think nothing of it Darrin." The old man said with a smile. "Didn't think you would recognize me with me pants on."

His wife swatted him. "Oh hush you." She turned to address me. "You have given us quite a story to tell our grandchildren when we get home"

"Ah yes," her husband broke in. "and mightily bored they'll be by the tale!"

We chatted a bit longer until Zoie ushered them out. I was really feeling exhausted, so when Zoie closed the blinds I was out like a light.

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A moment of panic came over me as I fought to recognize the surroundings. It was dark, hard to make things out. A soft, but firm naked form, was wrapped around my body. I knew it was female by the perfume smell.

"Anita?" My heart jumped, as my eyes adjusted to the dim light while conscious thought returned.

Then disappointment spread, it could not be my former wife Anita. This lady had dark hair, Anita was blond. As my fingers traced the nape of her neck I felt rough skin. I recoiled a moment before it hit me.

My mind screamed. "Damn it's Zoie!"

I felt Zoie stiffen when I pulled my hand away. I tried to pretend it was to stretch out a stiff muscle.

"It's OK Darrin." Zoie said softly. "I know what it feels like, and how I look. That's why I left the lights off."

Rolling over quickly, the sudden was pain shocking, and bolted me wide awake. It also reminded me to move slower next time. I found the bedside lamp, flickering it on. Zoie was on her side facing me. Reaching up she made an effort to cover the disfigurement with her hair.

I grabbed Zoies hand, pushing away her hair, so I could see her face in full. "You are beautiful the way you are. Please do not try to hide any part of you from me."

Zoie looked past me before she began speaking. "My parents were not high in the Party, so I could not get reconstructive surgery after the fire when I was eight. Many in our small town are superstitious, they felt my...looks, were a punishment for something bad I had done, or my parents had done. Most would not allow their children to play with me, I never get used to the names, or taunts."

Zoie rolled onto her back looking at the ceiling. "I studied hard, first in all my classes. Got qualified for the University, I was to be an anesthesiologist." She paused. "My patients would be unconscious, never need to see my face. I had my first boyfriend there at University Medical School. I thought he saw past my scars. Then I heard him tell his friends the only way to fuck me was with a sack over my face, or in the dark. He said a sack interfered with me sucking him, so he was stuck with only screwing me at night."

Zoie took a deep breath but continued talking. "I forgot about him, concentrating on my studies. I was a very good anesthesiologist Darrin. Always first in my classes, and later in great demand by our government hospitals. Then my father did something to upset the Party. They took him, and my mother away. A patient warned me, so I fled the country ahead of the government police. I ended up in various parts of Europe. With no way to retrieve my qualifications, I could not practice medicine anywhere. I completed a nursing

course while working nights as a cleaner."

Zoie turned to face me, propping herself up on an elbow. "That is my sad story Darrin. As I said this is a small ship, and am not a...how you say...slut. If you want me to leave I will."

I put Zoie's chin in my hand so she was looking directly at me. "YOU are without a doubt the most amazing lady I have ever met. I feel like a major league whiner, moaning about my little setbacks. Hell, I 've been leading life like a wimp compared to you."

I saw her eyes twinkle in amusement. "and Zoie, as for wanting you to leave..." I grabbed her hand putting it on my growing erection. "What do you think?"

Zoie smiled as she started to stroke me. "Darrin, can we turn out the lights?"

"I may be too ugly to die Zoie. But there is no chance I am turning out the lights. Not a Chance, hear that?" I said, pulling her toward me.

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I wish I could say our lovemaking that night was magical. However if you ever tried to kiss someone with burnt lips, including painful bruises all over your body ...DON'T!

Like two porcupines having sex, it was quite an event, slow, and careful. The only magic that night, was that I was able to do anything at all, let alone the second time.

Alas nothing lasts forever, four days later Zoie and I said good bye. She promised to come stay with me at her contracts end. I was already looking for airfare on the dates when the ROYAL VIKING came to Florida.

The Pirate event got a good bit of airtime, but it was old news by the time I arrived home. My son and brothers family were a bit shocked by my appearance (although I had healed up a bit by then). All I could say was. "You should have seen the other guy."

When I returned to work, my coworker had a small party for me, complete with a Pirate themed cake. They decked out my work area with Buccaneer paraphilia. My bench was covered with a skull and crossbone flag, eye patch, stuffed parrot, and a toy cutlass. The machine shop even churned out a peg leg for me. The Blackbeard and Captain Jack jokes were fast, and heavy for the first few days. I took the ribbing good naturedly.

Which is why I thought it was a joke when I was brought into the Managers office to meet a stern older lady with a slight German accent.

"Darrin" my Boss began. "This is corporate H.R. Manager. She is from HQ personnel to oversee your transfer to the South Florida division."

Then it got interesting. The lady from Corporate was aghast I would defy an edict from our company HQ. It seemed my old buddy Mac wanted me yesterday. He was willing to pay the price to get my happy ass down to South Florida ASAP. All my objections were shot down.

My home? No problem, the company gave you fair market value for the house, and put you up for a year, plus hired a realtor to find you a new place. Or if you did not wish to sell, the company would hire a management company, and help you find a renter.

Moving? The company moved whole families to different countries all the time. Just get on a plane. The movers will have everything sent to you, in any location, or in storage to move later.

Money/Position? The new position was a huge increase in pay, with perks I could only dream about, even real stock options with profit sharing.

That night I approached my son AJ about moving to Florida.

"Duh Dad!" AJ said. "Sunny Florida, or this frozen slush, plus a chance to see Grandma? When do we leave?"

Then I got a second surprise from my Brother, a day after I told him of the offer.

"Darrin, we are coming with you." My brother informed me. "A realtor has been bugging us to sell in this red hot market. You know my wife and I are both nurses, so we can get jobs anywhere. It will be great for the kids to be around their Grandmother. Besides we are tired of this cold weather where everyone has blond hair, and blue

ears."

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Anyway that is how we ended up with a rental house near the beach outside Fort Lauderdale. The place was a stately old manor. The house had plenty of room, which was good, as my brothers family was staying with us.

Life was fine. My Mother was thrilled to have her grandchildren near her. My new job with Mac as my boss was interesting. The cruise Industry was large, but a very small community centered near Miami. Everybody knew about the pirate attack, and wanted to hear about the event. Mac was a born salesman, trotting me out like a show horse at every occasion. He used the opportunities to push our products from biofuels, communication equipment, even the "Noise Toys" or Long Range Acoustic Device (called LRAD) used on the pirates that day. I was at a Cruise Port almost every day on a ship when not giving a Dog & Pony show at some company boardroom. On any one day, I was meeting with more people, from more nations, than I had in my whole life back up north.

AJ and his cousins got a chance to try out their conversational Spanish after years of lessons.

This caused some confusion when AJ approached me after hanging out with some new Latino friends.

"Dad, these people here don't speak Spanish right." AJ informed me one day.

I chuckled. "Let's see if we can figure this out AJ. Is the Spanish taught to you by your teacher who spent a summer in Madrid correct? Or is it possible your buddies, and their families who have been speaking the language from birth is the right way?"

South Florida had a thriving Latin community. I even picked up a few words, but AJ and his friends laughed at my "Spanglish" conversation attempts.

Best of all about the Florida move, was I got to see Zoie every 10 days when the ROYAL VIKING came into port. I was nervous when Zoie and AJ met, it was unfounded. They were best buds after 10 minutes.

Look Dad." AJ exclaimed, holding up a piece of string Zoie had given him during a tour of the Medical Center. "Zoie taught me to tie a knot with one hand! Just like Surgeons do."

I looked over the knot. "Not bad AJ."

"Zoie, is like the bomb Dad! She speaks like a zillion languages!"

Zoie came up, giving me a hug." Now AJ, I only speak seven languages fluently."

"Listen to this Dad." AJ then spouted out some cryptic words. He looked at Zoie. "Did I say that right Zoie?"

Zoie patted AJ on the shoulder "Yes AJ, you pronounced that perfect." She had a mischievous look in her eye.

"What's it mean AJ?" I asked.

"It means 'Eat Shit and Die' in Uzbek!" AJ was beaming. "Dad, ain't that cool!"

"ZOIE!" I turned toward my laughing girlfriend.

Zoie gave me that beautiful smile. "Oh Darrin, it's OK. How many Uyghurs in South Florida does AJ know that are going to understand what he's saying."

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After getting the proper security and port passes, I ended up taking AJ with me to the ROYAL VIKING every time I went to see Zoie. Various crew members were happy to keep AJ entertained, while Zoie and I had some "private time". AJ got to see every part of the ship from the engine room workings, TV Studios, Bridge, Galley and of course the Medical Center. The only problem was everyone on the ship seemed to delight in teaching AJ to swear in their native tongue. To my horror, AJ soon was able to curse fluently in Norwegian, German, Creole, Dutch, Filipino, Finnish, Russian, even Hebrew.

But alas all good things must come to an end, the phone call I answered Monday morning was it.

"Hello Darrin."

After over a decade of marriage, I knew Anita's voice instantly.

"Yes this is Darrin. May I ask who is calling?" I could not resist yanking Anita's chain.

"Darrin, you damn well know this is, Anita!" She said calmly from the other end of the line.

"It cannot be Anita. I asked she not contact me unless it was an emergency concerning AJ." I switched my phone to the other ear. "What do you want?"

"Darrin, I thought you would be over this by now. I want to see my son."

"Anita, the lawyers told you the court gave me sole custody after you missed so many scheduled visitations with AJ."

"I know, and I am sorry. The travel with Wesley just made things so crazy. You know what they say, –Standing behind every successful executive boss man is a female secretary."

"Anita, is there a saying for a cheating married secretary on her knees in front of the executive boss man? Or spread eagle on her back under the executive boss man?"

"Darrin, stop being so crude. I want to see AJ. His is still my son."

"Anita, you cannot get AJ all excited, then not show up. He is your son, not a hair appointment."

"No need to bore me with a lecture Darrin. Wesley has a time share near you. We are going to be down next week. Can I take AJ for a long weekend? Wesley has a boat, AJ can go water skiing."

"Anita, this weekend AJ is planning to go the Marlins baseball game with my brothers family. I will be away doing some work on a ship." I looked at my watch.

"Yes I heard you are doing boat engine work. Little fishing charters, and stuff right? I am so happy for you." Anita said condescendingly

"Yea, something like that."

"Well can I have AJ this weekend, or not Darrin."

"Yes Anita, you can. The boy needs to know his mother cares about him. Don't screw this up if you promise to come, you better show up."

"Oh Darrin.." Anita started.

"Anita, I do not wish to hurt you, but it is still on my list. So be here Friday. Don't be late." I hung up the phone.

Naturally Anita did not show up Friday, waiting until Thursday night to cancel.

Anita was unapologetic. "But Darrin, surely you can comprehend the situation. Wesley got a great last minute deal on a cruise. He knows the bar waiters brother, we could get upgraded. It will be my first time out of the country, a chance to use my passport."

"Damn it Anita, you cannot do this to your son!" I was pissed.

"I am not going to argue with you about this Darrin." Anita countered.

"I do not argue with idiots Anita. Idiots just drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience." I said to her. "You get AJ all fired up, now I have to clean up this mess."

"Darrin, do not be such a drama queen. AJ will understand." Anita replied. "I will make it up to him another time."

"Don't bother." I hung up the phone.

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I should have been happy. The ROYAL VIKING was in port, I was going to be sailing on her for three days. My task was uploading a new engine control software, before she went into drydock. I would be staying with Zoie, in her cabin. But Anita's stunt with AJ had put me in a foul mood. Thank God my brother took his Godfather duties seriously. He was able to get the extra ticket back, so AJ could come to the Marlin baseball game with his cousins.

My attitude instantly improved when Zoie gave me a big hug, and kiss. She sensed my mood.

"Everything OK Darrin?" She asked running her fingers thru my hair. "Did I do something wrong?"

I explained the situation with Anita and AJ. Zoie was understanding.

"That is terrible Darrin. We must do something for AJ." Zoie said. "But I do have some good news. Actually two pieces of good news."

"I could use some good news Zoie. Come on don't tease me."

"Captain Sven heard you were coming. He wants us to join him tomorrow in the passenger dining room. I even got you a Tux. We can get a formal picture together." Zoie was almost beaming.