Howard's story
Believe it or not, I actually got a call from Shelley that Sunday night, as I was reading through one of her logbooks.
That was very unusual. On most of her trips, she was too busy to call – or at least that's what she had said.
For about the first year or so that she spent traveling like that, I'd often call, and more times than not, I wouldn't reach her. I'd leave a message at the desk, and sometimes she'd return my call, sometimes she wouldn't. It finally got where I never bothered, because she was on the road so much.
But she called that night, and she sounded funny, like she was down in the dumps about something. She said she'd just wanted to hear my voice and tell me that she loved me. Considering what I was doing at that very moment, it struck me as quite odd and very ironic.
And it also served to completely confuse me to the point where I was walking around in a fog.
Truthfully, I was in a daze when I went to work the next day. Everyone noticed that I seemed distracted, and several co-workers asked me if anything was wrong.
What could I tell them? That I had spent the whole weekend learning that my wife – the woman I loved, the mother of my children and the person I had hoped to grow old with – was a lying, cheating slut? And that she had been deceiving me like that for seven years?
Actually, that's not quite true. I don't think she'd ever lied to me about what she was doing, because I had never suspected anything to the point where she'd had to lie about it.
And I wasn't sure if I could say she'd been lying when she said she loved me, because I think maybe she really did still love me in some form or fashion.
When I got home that Monday, after a thoroughly unproductive day of work, I had to think about what I was going to do.
Specifically, I had to figure out what, if anything, I was going to tell the boys. What was I going to tell them in the event that I decided that divorce was the only option? They would be devastated to learn the truth about their mother.
Shelley wasn't as much of a hands-on parent as I was, but she had been around enough to be a part of their lives. While I had been the disciplinarian, Shelley had been their buddy, their confidante. Both of them take after her as far as their personalities go, and they have always been close to their mother.
Don't get me wrong, my sons are both fine young men, and I never had to really crack the whip with them, just the normal curfew violations, a couple of times when they had a little too much to drink, but nothing major.
And I have a good relationship with both of them. But not like they have with Shelley. I'm worried that if it comes down to a divorce, that all of the ugly truth will come out, and our family will be split at the seams.
Another thing about a divorce, too, is the difficulty in dividing our assets. Our savings and retirement accounts – not to mention our house and belongings – are so intricately joined that dividing them could be a legal nightmare.
That means that no matter how much we might want an amicable split, if it gets in the hands of the lawyers, I worry that we'll become enemies in spite of our best intentions. And that was something I dearly do not want to have happen.
So I had a real dilemma on my hands about whether my marriage could survive, whether it should survive or whether it would survive.
A younger man would undoubtedly look at me and wonder why I would even consider staying with an adulterous slut like Shelley. But when you put 50 in your rear view mirror, you start thinking a lot harder about how you want the end of your life to play out.
And the cold, hard truth of it is that I still love Shelley, in spite of what I've learned about her, and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm deathly afraid of growing old alone, of having the joy of my later years sapped by the bitterness and loneliness a divorce would create.
I don't understand what is going on in Shelley's mind, but I don't know if I'm ready to give her up. I began to wonder, too, as I read through the last couple of logbooks, if Shelley really knew herself what she was doing, or why she was doing it.
Quite frankly, the last couple of years were some painful reading in some respects. It was like she knew she was hurting me, knew she was hurting herself, by some of the things she was doing, and that, deep inside, she really didn't care.
And it began to dawn on me, in some corner of my mind, that she had never fully dealt with the emotional trauma of the Sept. 11 attacks, and that maybe that had something to do with what she was doing.
Before that awful day, her log entries were fairly routine, all things considered. I mean, yes, she was having these affairs, but it was fairly conventional sex. After 9-11, however, I began to notice that she got a lot more reckless, started getting into a lot of borderline dangerous situations.
She got a lot wilder with all of her lovers, but in particular, I began to notice that she really went off the deep end when she visited California.
Sometime late in 2000, she had begun working on a big account with a distributing company in Southern California, dealing first with a client named Jim Pearson and then his partner Sid Huguet.
Like all of the others, it started with Pearson wining and dining Shelley, but then it suddenly got a little kinkier, when Sid Huguet started showing up in the logs along with Jim Pearson.
I read in disbelief – but also with a huge, painful hard-on – as my lovely wife went totally out of control...
Shelley's story
As I look back on the shambles of my life at the present time, and how I got to this point, I really think I passed a major threshold the day the World Trade Center towers were destroyed.