To the One I Love

This one goes out to the one I love:

Allison,

Do you remember your life before we met?

I can vaguely remember mine. I can remember going from woman to woman, bed to bed, relationship to relationship, if that's what you want to call them. I remember some blondes, some brunettes and a few redheads. Some were tall and some short, some thin and some thick, but all in all, they were all just playthings. And then came you...

Do you remember the night of the of the hospital fundraising gala? I remember clearly.

I remember Aunt Barbara convincing me how I had to accompany her as her plus one. How there were so many eligible women, and one in particular she wanted to introduce me to. I remember how even though I told her I was completely happy being a man about town, enjoying life, she told me, no, demanded I stop being a male slut and find a good woman to make a life with. How there was this wonderful, intelligent, down to earth doctor who came to New York from Baltimore to work in the Cardiac unit that would make a great match for me. I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't need her to play match maker, and that I would be more than happy to escort my favorite (and last living) family member wherever she wanted to go. So the date was made. I picked her up and away we went to Annual Mt. Sinai Hospital Cardiac Fundraiser.

Aunt Barbara positively glowed as she introduced her only nephew, the real estate agent, to everyone in the room, while pointing out all the available, age appropriate females and introducing them all to me. And not a single one caught my interest, until...

Do you remember what you wore that night Allison? You wore the deepest blue cocktail dress I had ever seen in my life. It matched your eyes perfectly. The silver heels matched the highlights in your blonde hair. You were my wildest wet dream without showing much skin at all and when Aunt Barb introduced us I literally could not speak I was so caught up in your eyes. When you smiled I lost all thought and forgot where I was. The next thing I remember hearing was "Earth to Michael, Earth to Michael. I would like to introduce to Miss Allison Evans. Allison, This is my nephew, Michael Saks".

When you said "Hello, It's nice to meet you" I could swear I heard angels singing. I took your hand, gently kissed the back of it and then looking directly into your eyes said " a year from now I want to marry you". You replied with "now I know where you get your ladies man reputation from". Aunt Barbara just said "I'll leave you two to your own devices" and laughed as she walked away. From that day on I never wanted to be away from you. Ever

Do you remember how long I chased you before you gave in and agreed to a date?

I do. I called, texted, left messages and sent flowers for you for 17 straight days. I thought you were going to file charges against me for stalking. It was strange, Every woman I had ever known seemed to come out of the woodwork trying to come back into my life and I had eyes only for you. I dreamt of you every night.

Do you remember how I finally convinced you to go out with me? I remember.

I gave you the small blue ring box and told you that if you went out with me, in 3 months you could have what was in the box regardless of what happened, as long as we had 3 dates. Just 3 dates over the 3 months. You thought I was crazy but you agreed.

Do you remember those 3 months, Allison? I do. I remember every minute. Central Park, The Ferry, Spumoni Gardens, Watching the Yankees, the 4th of July, Your birthday. In 3 months time we were together 67 days and nights. Do you remember when you opened the box? What was in it? Do you?

Do you remember the night before our wedding? When you came to me crying? I do. I remember every word. When you told me about him. How he hurt you, how he nearly destroyed you. Played you like a fiddle and made you doubt yourself. Made you doubt anyone could ever love you for you. You asked me if I loved you for the real you, not your looks and not your body. I told you I love you for what was in your eyes, in your heart and in your soul. I love the you that loves me. That without your love I have no reason to live, no reason to breath. Without you I can't exist.

Do you remember our wedding vows Allison? I do! I do!

We promised to love, honor and cherish, to hold dear to each other and to forsake all others. You promised to hold my heart in your hands and I promised to give my life for you in everything. That my love for you was greater that anything I could ever know.

Do you remember the seven wonderful years we had together? Growing in each other?

Yes, there were times we didn't see each other for days. You were refining your skills, becoming one of the top cardiac surgeons on the coast, working with masters of the surgical arts and becoming a master in your own right. I was taking the Real Estate world by storm. Something about having the love of my woman giving me the power to take the world by the balls and take no prisoners. But no matter what, when we were together the world ceased to exist. Outside, the world could try to destroy us, but in our own little world, we were one in the same. You were my world and I was yours.

Or so I thought.

Do you remember our trip to Baltimore when your mom passed? I remember. I remember it well. Everyone you knew was there. Everyone from your childhood, all your family and friends. All the mourners and well wishers. And HIM. But I didn't know HE was there. You never told me. You were crying, you were melancholy and you were not you.

I had never seen you around a family tragedy. I thought you were mourning your mother. We weren't together when your dad passed. I held you, I protected you, I fed you. I did what a loving and devoted husband was supposed to do. I wasn't prepared, not at all.

Do you remember how everything changed when we came back? How you said it was my imagination? I remember. I remember you pulling away from us, I remember you crying in the shower, I remember you saying nothing was wrong when I asked what I could do for you. Even our friends asked if things were ok and you would snap at them until finally they stopped asking. The world seemed to finally start having it's way with us, or at least me.

Do you remember when you went to Baltimore without me? I remember. You never even told me you were going. We both had the weekend off, remember. We made plans to have a great dinner at home Friday and the do the flea market at the Met on Saturday morning and just relax the rest of the weekend in each others arms. I was so looking forward to it. To my surprise you never came home Friday night, or Saturday morning. I called your cell, called the hospital, your office and your service. No one had heard from you. Not on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. I was out of my mind. I called the police and was told I couldn't file a missing persons report for 48 hours. You walked in just before I was leaving to file the damn report. You just walked in, looked at me and walked to the bedroom and closed the damn door. Not a word from you. Just locked the door, closed yourself away from me. My whole world was starting to collapse in on me.

Do you remember how long you kept me in the dark and what you told me? You told me a very close friend needed you, that they were dying from heart problems and that you were the only one who could save them. That was after ten days of you crying, ten days of shutting me out, ten days of breaking my heart. And when I asked who is was you never told me it was him, did you.

Do you remember when you started drifting away from me? I remember very vividly. Richard James Nichols was admitted into your care due to massive cardiac damage. Imagine my surprise when Aunt Barb asked me how I felt about you treating your ex fiancée. The look on my face must have been something else. She immediately knew something was wrong and so did I. This was why you were crying. It was him. He was the one who nearly destroyed you, who damaged you, and you were broken and tearful for him. How could a monster with no heart have heart problems???

Do you remember when you stopped loving me? I remember the day I realized that I no longer mattered in your life. It was March 31st. My 35th Birthday. I had hoped beyond hope that you would remember. I know we had been arguing, that we had been fighting. I had told you I wanted my wife back. That you were no longer the woman I loved and married. That when the monster came back and you ran to him again and let him destroy what we built and what we made together. You told me I wasn't the man you married if I couldn't see that he needed you to save his life. That any life was a life worth saving. We had agreed to at least try to meet in the middle to try and save what we had. To meet for my birthday at Frank's for dinner and wine. 7 O'clock came and went. Then 8. then 9 and 10 and then... closing time. You never showed up, even at home for 4 days. You were cold and you never apologized. The strength I used to love about you was now tearing me apart. I loved you and hated you at the same time. My precious lover and tormentor at the same time.

Do you know the day our marriage died? The same day it started. May 4th. Five weeks of not speaking to you, of not holding you, of not smelling your hair or your skin were killing me. My heart was cracking and the love was leaking out slowly. I knew if I didn't see you, touch you, kiss you soon I would die. I went to the florist and found two dozen of the most beautiful roses ever seen. One dozen red for my lover and one dozen yellow for my friend, like I always did for our anniversary. I searched the cardiac wing high and low looking for you. Asking every nurse I saw for you. They all looked down. I took a chance and went to HIS room, ready for a confrontation. When I got there and looked in I saw you, on his bed, kissing him, loving him, with your hand below the sheet caressing him. My lover, My friend and My life was giving everything that was mine to HIM. The love you promised to me, you were giving it to HIM. He that destroyed you once, and now has destroyed US! My heart shattered when your lips caressed his and every bit of love I ever had poured out. In that moment I ceased to exist. WE simply ceased to exist.

Our love story came to a sad end.

Allison, you are the love of my life and the reason I exist. That being said, I cannot bring myself to share you. The simple thought of you touching someone else the way you touched him destroys me.

That being said, I love you too much to deny you your happiness.Therefore, I am removing myself from the equation. One and one should only ever make two, never three. You and Richard were together before I ever came into your life. You were happy with him once, but he did something stupid. Now he's back, back in your life and back in your heart. I hope he treats you better this time around. I won't be around to pick up the pieces and put you back together this time.

I am going now. Going somewhere no one can reach me, where I can find peace and maybe find a way to be whole again. I will miss you for eternity. Don't worry about a divorce, my attorney will be in touch with you soon. I made sure you will be provided for.

Love for Eternity,

Michael.