"The primary choice every man must make is whether he wants to be himself or seek peace." - This option typically arises when a woman is involved.
Men who choose to be themselves often hurt women.
When they choose peace, they end up being hurt.
There is no in between.
And fifteen years ago, one warm autumn afternoon, I sought peace.
~
Back then, I used to work for a security company. Our team did celebrity protection and escorts. I earned just fine from a bachelor's standpoint. I drank and read books on the days I wasn't working and stayed sober on the days I stayed out of my house. I was never addicted to anything in my life. Any new substance or activity that got my attention would see the dark corners of my mind within a week. I met celebrities about whom I could not care any less but the chaos of the situation kept me on the edge and I liked going with the flow. It's always when you try to swim against the current, that problems tend to arise.
But that was until I was discharged from my duties. My boss explained that he would like to recommend me for a better job, which of course paid well. When he saw me hesitant, I was given a business card. And once again, I went with the flow.
---
On that warm autumn afternoon, I met her; she was wearing a red dress. Her small face consisted of a soft jawline, a straight nose, and round, dark brown eyes. Sitting on the living couch, she met my eyes before smiling at her husband, my new employer.
'Take care of her.' he said, looking between me and his wife.
He was a lot older than her.
'I'll do everything to keep her safe, sir,' I uttered the obligatory.
'Ma'am,' I bowed my head gently to greet her.
'Good. Good.' My employer went to stand beside her. 'Darling, I give you your new bodyguard.' he said, looking at his darling wife.
Her only response was a smile.
I remember thinking, maybe just like me, she was riding the wave too.
A month of tagging with her gave me a clear picture of her. She was a quiet woman. However, that did not mean nothing transpired behind those eyes. She was attentive and quite observant of her surroundings. She never spoke much at any events or parties she attended, but when pressed, she spoke clearly and with resolution.
She was seldom alone at the parties where she accompanied her husband. Not many dared to approach her when he was by her side. They were an unpleasant sight together.
Only at parties where she went alone did I see many men and women gather around her, wanting to dance or chat with her. I rarely had to intervene because she handled unwanted advances with such ease that the pursuer took nothing to heart. At least that's how it seemed.
In situations where she needed my intervention, she would tilt her neck in my direction, and I would approach and escort her from there. My job was as mundane as it sounds but... when I kept my discreet gaze on her, I realized, she was very pleasant to look at. Her lips were always shining in some shade of pink, her hair, which she always tied in a clean bun, was actually soft and thin, and fell down her shoulders like silk threads, and she always smelled like a fresh field after a rain. I remember feeling bothered by her; my body reacting to her once in a while.
Physical attributes apart, she was polite and remembered every servant's and housemaid's name. She never forgot to express her gratitude to anyone who helped her.
When she called out my name softly, even her orders sounded like requests to me. More often than not, I sat thinking, How could someone like her end up with an old man like my employer? My mind and heart didn't come to agree upon the fact that someone like her could marry for money. And more so, I denied believing that her entire persona was a make-believe.
---
Three months went by and on a rare occasion when my employer was home, he called me to his office.
'Come in.' He was at his desk when I knocked at the door.
'Sir, you asked for me,'
'Yes. Yes.'
'Sir,'
'Tell me, Edward. You do see a lot of men around her. Don't you?'
Not someone to beat around the bush. I understood any man would be cautious when he had such a woman as his wife.
'Yes, sir,'
'What do they want from her, Edward?'
I thought for a while. I mean, he knew the answer to that.
'What any man would want from a woman, sir,'
'Any man you say,' he took on a thoughtful expression.
'I-'
'Do you find her attractive?' What an understatement he put forth.
I maintained my silence.
'I would take that as a yes,' he laughed and then lit a cigarette. 'A man would have to be blind to think otherwise.'
I could not understand where he was going with the conversation.
He took a drag from his cigarette. 'The moment I married her in the drunk stupor of love, I knew I would never have peace. She is unattainable. Isn't she? But she is MY wife. When it comes to her, I am forced to choose. Either to be at peace or to be myself. You understand, what am I saying?'
I nodded.
'Do you know what I choose?' A long pause later he added, 'I choose to be at peace. You can't be yourself when you are adamantly in love.'
I stood there for a long time, staring out the big glass window as the wall clock ticked by. And he sat at his desk, staring at the wall.
'What do you think men enjoy the most, Edward?' he finally uttered.
'Come on. Answer me,' he added, taking a long, painful drag of his cigarette. He had to close his eyes from the burn.
'Thrill or perhaps a good challenge, sir,' I said.
He left his desk and walked across it to stand in front of me.
'I believe that is what you enjoy the most too.'
He took another of my silences as a yes.
'Go relax this afternoon. We are having a party this evening; you must stay prepared.'
'Very well, sir. I will take my leave for now,'
I saw him waving his hand in dismissal as I left the room. The whole ordeal had left me with more questions than answers. What was I to make up for all that he just said? Was I even to say anything?
Soon those thoughts crept to the back of my mind as I stepped into my provided living quarters.
~
The evening arrived, and around 6:30, I left my assigned apartment. I had prepared a simple lunch of rice and chicken, read for a while, and then napped. When the alarm went off at the scheduled time, I got dressed in my usual white shirt and black suit uniform. I added a black tie which I usually do when I accompany her at any party.
Before leaving, I put my phone in the suit's left inner pocket; making sure it's fully charged, and some tissues in the right inner pocket. Some celebrities used to require tissues during transport or an emergency. On most occasions though, I use them to wipe my mouth or the sweat off my forehead.
After making sure everything was in the right place, I left my apartment and in five minutes, I was at their door.
I knocked twice and opened the door with the key I was given. I walked in and shut the door behind me. The sitting area was quiet. No sound of maids came from the kitchen or from anywhere in the house. Everything was dead quiet. It felt like I had walked into a delusion.
Just then he walked out of his office. He was wearing a thick black robe and with a cigarette attached to his lips, fuming like a chimney.
'You are here,'
'Sir,'
'Oh, aren't you a good-looking man,' he said.
