Time Out

I know of no vetted statistical information on it, but my belief based upon empirical evidence is that the majority of marriages, even among people who truly are in love, go stale after a while. When they go stale depends upon the people, especially their goals, what they are exposed to in the media and daily life, and their upbringing. After twenty years of marriage I thought that my wife Loraine and I were at that stage.

There was no doubt that I loved Loraine, and I did not question that she loved me. We rarely fought and when we did we fought "fair." We didn't really have any money problems, had a seventeen year old daughter and fifteen year old son both of whom were well adjusted and did great in school and sports, and we had a good circle of friends and a supportive family.

I'm not sure why marriages go stale – and I have no intention of trying to figure it out for someone else's marriage. But I love analysis and problem solving – I am a high level engineer who has to analyze and solve problems every single day at work, which is why I love my job – and what could be more important than doing that for my marriage?

First I tried to determine why it seemed that my parents' marriage, and Loraine's parents' marriage, never went stale. I investigated this question for more than three months, including serious conversations with each of the four people involved (although I was far from blatant about it, and did it only under ideal circumstances). I came to the conclusion that though their marriages were certainly not fresh or ideal, they weren't stale because of the expectations of the four individuals involved, and what they were exposed to during the sexual primes of their lives.

My parents' generation didn't grow up with many people in the public eye on their third or fourth husband or wife; the news wasn't rampant about football coaches having threesomes and heads of state in other countries attending government events with mistresses; there were no Internet sites like Literotica, or porn sites; and the culture wasn't preoccupied with sex (certainly, at least, not to the extent that it was during my generation's sexual peak). Therefore the expectations weren't high, and the feelings of something important passing them by minimal; whereas Loraine and I were bombarded with this information, not to mention serious consequences in relationships of some of our friends and co-workers.

It was easy to identify the major cause of insipidness in our relationship – the lack of the same sexual passion as when we were younger. The sound of the word "insipid" almost provides the definition – things creep up that take one edge off, then another, then another, until a complex figure is transformed into a circle.

Putting life and vibrancy back into sex in a marriage is difficult, however. Both partners in a marriage often – and that certainly was the case for Loraine and I – have preconceived notions about what the other person would or would not like to do, and there is apprehension about making suggestions for novel approaches for fear that your partner will consider you weird or perverted, which could adversely affect your entire relationship.

Loraine is also a problem solver in her work. She is a medical technician specializing in finding specific solutions to specific problems that people have based upon their particular DNA, often called "genomic medicine" or "gene therapy." She analyzes a particular patient's DNA sequence, and then works with a team of doctors to figure out the best treatment given the particulars of the patient's genome.

Both Loraine and I are also very proud of our positions in the community. We have excellent reputations in our small city. We are known as givers, not takers, honest, loyal, trustworthy, and above all "stable." Either of us would rather die than have the community at large think ill of us.

I was trying to decide how best to approach the issue of sexual discontent with Loraine when both kids had out-of-town weekend activities and Loraine suggested that we go on a three day trip ourselves – just the two of us. I readily agreed.

While I had hopes that the trip would rekindle the passion in our love making, unfortunately it just reinforced how stale that it was. Despite a romantic setting we ended up three nights with two completely vanilla intercourse sessions, little oral activity, and absolutely no screaming or thrashing about. While it was very comforting to snuggle during the nights, snuggling didn't re-energize our otherwise bland romantic/sexual experience.

On the drive home, I took a leap of faith that Loraine was as nonplussed by our sexual state of affairs as I was, and also as interested in analyzing it and finding a solution. "Loraine – I really enjoyed being with you this weekend, and as you know I truly love you with all my heart..." I started out.

"I see a 'but' coming, Dan," she replied, very familiar with my approach to situations and language after twenty two years together, twenty of them married.

"Well, not so much of a 'but' as a 'what if...'" I continued.

"And?" she asked after a short pause.

"We don't seem to have the same fire in our love-making as we used to..." I responded. I was going to say more but she interrupted me.

"Well you're 43 and I'm 42 – that has something to do with it."

"Yeah...something," I philosophically replied, "but certainly not everything, and in fact not the main thing. I think that we're in a rut and it is the only part of our lives that isn't stellar, when it used to be the most stellar part." Then after another pause I continued, "Do you agree or disagree?"

Loraine got a wane smile on her face and then softly said "Now that you've exposed it to the light Dan, I agree. Our careers, our children, our love, and our families are all darn near perfect. There is no reason why we shouldn't strive to make that perfect too. We know from past experience that we are compatible – don't we?"

The last question was a rhetorical one, and was followed by a giggle.

"So if this weekend trip didn't help much, what will?" I asked.

"I'll talk to one of the new doctors that came on our team last month – she previously had a specialty that might allow her to have some insight. Also, isn't one of your tennis buddies a psychologist?"

"Yeah – John Braxton," I replied, making intense eye contact with her.

"Ask him if he has a recommendation of someone you can talk to – since he's a friend you shouldn't confide in him, but feel him out about someone who could help."

"I'll do just that," I said with a genuine big smile. I squeezed Loraine's knee, she squeezed my hand, and then we started talking about the upcoming week.

***********

Three days after we returned and were back in the work-family routine, we announced to each other that we had important information that we wanted to share after the kids went to bed.

"Mary Preston – the doctor I told you about – says that sometimes intense exercise on a regular basis is enough. Exercise really enhances libido, and our situation may just be declining libidos," Loraine started out.

"Interesting," I thought to myself. While neither Loraine nor I were fat by any means, we also didn't always add exercise to our busy schedules, and we could stand to be in better shape and lose a few pounds.

When I raised my eyebrows as a sign that that might be a good idea, Loraine continued: "We could find one regular exercise to do together, Dan, and one apart; Mary says that is the best approach."

That sounded reasonable – but something suddenly nagged at me. "How much did you tell her?" My fear of exposure of some sort of weakness in the opinion of our peers suddenly concerned me.

"Mary is only here for a short time on a special project; she's leaving at the end of the month. Plus I swore her to secrecy and the advice that she gave me was part of what she considered doctor-patient privilege. We have nothing to worry about at her end," Mary assured me. "So what's your news?"

"John Braxton gave me the name of an off-beat marriage counselor/therapist right across the state border that he highly recommends for unusual situations. I told John that I had a friend who had a very unusual family problem and he strongly recommended her – Judy Fettig is her name. I have her number; should I call her? According to John it would probably be at least two weeks before we could get an appointment," I eagerly replied.

"Sounds great; give her a call tomorrow. Before seeing her, what exercise activities are you interested in?"

After we chewed on the issue for a while, including getting out the community recreation center catalog of activities for people of all ages, we settled on Zumba as our joint activity, swimming as my regular exercise, and working with a personal trainer as Loraine's. The Zumba took a little convincing on Loraine's part, but after we viewed a couple of You-Tube videos it looked like it might be fun (if only for the scantily clad younger women – although I obviously didn't tell Loraine that) and certainly less boring than running on a treadmill or weightlifting.

Loraine and I set up a regular schedule. We did Zumba together on Tuesday and Saturday early mornings, she worked with a personal trainer Wednesday and Friday right after work, and I swam Monday and Thursday instead of lunch. On Sundays we both continued our once-a-week tennis games with a regular set of friends, which we had been doing for years.

By the time that Loraine and I got in to see Judy Fettig three weeks after I first called her we were happy with our progress in our exercise schedules. While I can't say that either of our libidos had ramped up considerably yet, we both felt better; and we did make love thrice during that time and actually fucked once (not slow and deliberate love-making, but rough and more animalistic than in months if not years).

Judy Fettig was about the most unusual therapist that I had ever seen or envisioned; not just in appearance, but mannerisms. She looked like a female weightlifter, had flaming dyed orange hair, and despite degrees from Stanford and Northwestern proudly displayed on her wall, talked more like a football coach than a therapist. However, there was no denying that she had a keen mind and an almost magical way of drawing information out of us.

After "casually" talking with us for half an hour Judy said "You two have what I call 'marital malaise.' It's not something recognized by the medical or therapist communities, but it's real nevertheless."

"Do you have a cure for marital malaise?" I chuckled.

"Yes – several depending upon your specific situations; but my cures also aren't recognized by the medical or orthodox therapist communities," she said with a laugh.

"Are you going to have us try one approach after another?" Loraine intelligently asked.

"No; my approach is kind of like yours in your job, Loraine; I'm going to tailor the approach to your specific situations so I'm going to have to gather all sorts of information from you. I'm going to have to meet with each of you individually four or five times, then the two of you together again either once or twice," she said as she started pacing behind her desk.

"You don't think that the exercise regimen we started will solve the problem?" Loraine inquired.

"Not by itself. Let me give you my experience – exercise alone can work only about 5% of the time. Of course you should keep it up because it helps not only your relationship but so many other aspects of life that it would be crazy not to do it. However, I earnestly believe that more things – including possibly even a hypnosis session – will be required. However, from our initial discussions I don't think that you're in that roughly 10% of the population that although you want to get out of marital malaise there is no hope of doing so."

"Well at least the last part is good news," I chortled to myself, as Loraine unconsciously nodded her head although looking ill at ease as she did so.

"Well, then; let's make appointments now for the next several individual dates," Judy continued as she went to the door to her office and called in her appointments secretary. By the time that we left we had three individual appointments set up for each of us.

Loraine was quiet when we got to the car. "You think that she can help?" she asked as I opened the passenger's side door for her.

"I was impressed, so yes I do think that she can," I replied with conviction.

Once I started driving Loraine said "I'm not sure about the hypnosis thing..."

"She said that that was only a possibility, and only with your permission, and that if there is a hypnosis session it will be recorded so that if you want to see it you can," I replied, parroting what I thought Judy had said.

"I guess that you're right, Dan," Loraine smiled squeezing my shoulder. "Plus, we have to have a positive outlook otherwise there is little hope," she continued, another re-statement of what Judy had said.

***********

Judy counseled Loraine and I not to talk with each other about our therapy sessions, which was fine by me when I reflected upon the reams of information that Judy got out of me simply by talking. The sessions weren't rapid fire questions, but conversations that – upon consideration – more skillfully brought out information than any direct questioning could. Then there was the one hypnosis session – which I chose not to see the recording of, but that Judy told me was very revealing as far as her understanding of me was concerned.

During the two months that we were seeing Judy, the exercise program had definitely helped both Loraine and me. I felt much better, lost ten pounds, had more energy, and just upon the basis of more energy alone – I wasn't sure whether my libido had been enhanced although given the skimpy outfits of some of the female Zumba-ites something was going on in my body – I wanted more sex. Loraine had the same outlook that I did, lost eight pounds, and was happy to make love at least twice a week, up from our pre-exercise level. However, there was only one animalistic sex session during this time, something that did not escape either of our minds.

At my last individual meeting with Judy she summarized her findings about me – she was going to need Loraine's permission to disclose the findings about her, preferably in a final joint meeting.

"Dan, you have several major issues. One is that you feel that some things that you should experience are passing you by, and you want to have led a full life when you reflect back on things once you're no longer sexually active. Another is an ingrained reticence to try new things with Loraine both because you think that it will adversely affect your relationship, and you're just too – for lack of a better word – shy. The third, and perhaps the most important even though you would never come to the conclusion yourself and may not believe me when I tell you, is a lack of self-confidence. I'm not talking about such a lack in your career or most relationships with others – but a true fear that if you try something new and it fails you will be humiliated," Judy said, staring me in the eye the entire time, and in an authoritative voice.

I was shocked by the last one – I would have to think about that before I believed her, but I had previously gotten a hint from her that something like this had come out in the hypnosis session.

"Lastly," July concluded, this time looking at her notes and then back at me, but with slightly less self-assurance than was clear from the rest of her diagnosis, "although you would likely never cheat, you have a more than normal appreciation for the human female form, and over the last five years or so you've become inspired by a certain body type that is a little different than that which Loraine possesses, although you seem to have quite successfully denied any real significance of this to yourself."

I knew that the last part was from a slide show that she presented parts of during two different sessions, and I saw the slide show projector in the room after I came out of hypnosis too.

"Can I see what body type I've supposedly become attracted to?" I asked with more than a hint of skepticism in my tone.

"Sure," Judy chirped as she reached into her desk, pulled out a photograph, and handed it to me. It was a photo from the neck down of a middle aged woman in a two piece swimsuit whose most notable features were thick (not fat, but muscular) thighs, a non-flabby mid-section, and big boobs (at least a D cup, maybe DD). I noticed that my cock twitched before I handed the photo back to her.

Loraine has thin thighs and a small rack; I hadn't consciously thought about what Judy said, but knew that she was right. Judy didn't ask me to confirm that she was right – apparently my face gave me away.

After handing the photo back I just sat and looked around for the next couple of minutes, lost in thought. Sometimes I made eye contact with Judy, most of the time I just stared at the ceiling or out the window. Finally I spoke.

"OK, Judy; I'll think about this more – a lot more – but at the present time I'm inclined to believe that you're right, except for maybe the self-confidence bit and potential embarrassment; but what's the solution?"

"The self-confidence/embarrassment thing is the biggest one, Dan. Either you will come to believe it, or you'll have to accept my professional opinion. As to the solution, I have one – which I'll present Friday night when the three of us together have a final session."

"No hint?" I asked like a little kid before Christmas.

"No hints," she laughed. Then she handed me a CD. "The first part of this has essentially what I just told you on it, first in my voice, then in a male voice, then in another female voice. The second part – which you should only listen to if you are really up to it and really want to – is an audio version of the recording of our hypnosis session."

"Thanks," I said, hugged her, and left. I listened to the first part of the CD on the way home. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready to hear the hypnosis session.

***********

There are some things in life that you can anticipate; there are some that you can prepare for even if you can't anticipate them; and then there are things like those which happened when Loraine and I went to Judy's office 6:30 on a Friday night. Judy was in a particularly bubbly mood, even showing us a You-Tube video of a woman and a dog in a canoe that was, I have to admit, unique and entertaining.

After only a couple of minutes of banter, Judy got right to the point.

"OK, I told you both that I had a solution; now let me present it."

Loraine and I held hands, looked briefly at each other, then nodded.

"Before I propose my solution, however, I want to put it in proper context. In the past I have come up with thirty seven different scenarios – some necessary to use in sequence – that I have proposed to different clients. Most have been successful for the people I made the proposals to. The one I am proposing to you I have only used six times before in the last fifteen years. Four of the six couples have bounced out of marital malaise and have rekindled their sexual passion. For one couple it's still too early to tell, but the signs are good. For the sixth, divorce ensued."

"Are you the only therapist who proposes this solution?" I interrupted.

"No – roughly eighty therapists around the country have proposed this technique for the right couples, some as few as two times, others as many as thirty," she confidently replied.

"What is their success rate?" Loraine inquired.

"For those situations where enough time has passed and/or enough things have happened to evaluate the results, there is an 88.5% success rate," Judy instantly responded.