Time Machine

TIME MACHINE

Russell moved quietly towards his wife's bed. It was late, but he had just gotten back into town and he didn't want to miss bringing flowers for their anniversary. Tomorrow there would be a more formal celebration. As he got to the curtain separator, he heard grunting sounds and then his wife's voice, "Yes, that's it. Oh, yeah!" Those were the sounds she made when Russell made love to her.

He pulled back the curtain to see a strange man sticking his penis in and out of his wife. She was encouraging the man. Russell yelled, "Ginger, what the hell is going on here?"

His wife said, "Who are you? Get out of my bedroom!" Then speaking to the man on top of her, "Go ahead and finish, honey."

Just as Russell was about to grab him, he felt the blow of a cane on the back of his head. A little old lady was hitting him and shouting, "Get out of here you pervert!"

Amidst Russell's protecting himself from the blows and trying to mentally grasp what was going on, the shift nurse came in. She took the cane from the lady and put her back to bed assuring her everything was okay. The nurse walked past Russell and pulled the curtain closed leaving his wife and her lover to finish their session.

As she was escorting Russell to the hallway, he pleaded, "Aren't you going to stop them? My wife is being raped."

"Mr. Compton, your wife is not being raped. She is participating of her own free will."

"She has dementia. She has no free will. I demand you stop her now! I'll sue the nursing home."

"That's your choice. You may not remember but you had to sign a letter of understanding when you had the entrance briefing for your wife. It says there that persons with dementia may not recognize their spouses or family members. It also says that the person is free to choose companionship within the facility as long as it is of their own free will and is acceptable to the other patient."

"Companionship? They were fucking."

"And that's their choice. Now I know this is shocking to you. Please understand that your wife is not cheating on you. Her mind is in a different place and time. For all we know she may be thinking she is making love to you. Sometimes this is the nature of the illness. I know it must be very hard for you to understand."

"Oh, I understand what's she's doing. What I don't understand is how you can let it go on."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Compton I just don't have time to explain it to you like you need. We are always short-staffed on second and third shift. Please go home and try to calm down. Come back tomorrow and let Abby the social worker talk to you. Believe me, things are not as bad as you fear." After that statement, she went on to the nearest blinking nurse's light.

Russell left the building in tears. The guilt he had already felt in placing his wife in a nursing home skyrocketed. He immediately began searching his mind and soul to see if there was any way he could bring her back home. He needed help. Sitting in his car in the facility parking lot, Russell remembered a previous conversation with his old army buddy from Vietnam, Wally. Wally's wife had been diagnosed with dementia and he had to place her in a nursing home years ago. At the time Wally was telling Russell about dealing with his wife, Russell had not paid much attention. At that time Ginger was not in bad shape. She was forgetful, but, hell, so was he. Part of being old, he thought.

Russell went to the VFW where Wally liked to hang out. It was like he had an unofficial reserved spot at the bar. Russell went over and offered to buy him a drink. Wally commented, "Damn, it must be something awfully good or awfully bad for YOU to buy me a drink." He chuckled at his little joke.

Tears came to Russell's eyes as he spoke, "I need your help, buddy. I just left Ginger at the nursing home. She . . . she was screwing another man and they wouldn't do a thing about it!" He was crying full-fledged now.

Wally put his arm on Russell's shoulder and offered comfort, "I know. I know. Hurts like Hell. Damn liberal know-it-alls think it doesn't matter if someone cheats on their spouse or not. 'If it feels good, do it' philosophy. I think they just do it because it keeps the patients occupied, so they don't cause the staff that much trouble. Nursing homes are the biggest scam around."

"What can I do? I can't manage her at home even though I promised her I would never put her in a nursing home."

"Last time I talked to you, you were managing okay. What happened?"

"It kept getting harder and harder. The biggest thing was I couldn't get sleep. She was up at all hours. She kept trying to leave. I couldn't leave her alone. If I went out during the day, she had to go with me. One night someone knocked on the door. It was the police. They found Ginger walking the streets at 2:00 am. Luckily, they figured out what was going on and she had her driver's license in her purse. That's when I started setting up alarms and motion detectors. That kept her from escaping, but it didn't help me get a good night's sleep. She wore me out and I had a mild heart attack. They said it was stress related.

"I had to put her in a nursing home for what they call Respite while I stayed in the hospital. When I got out, I saw they were equipped to deal with her better than I could. I just could not get myself motivated enough to bring her home. I don't have the energy to do it anymore. It broke my heart but bringing her home would have killed me."

"Did you try hiring someone to help you?"

"I did a few times. It was hard to find someone and when I did, it was so expensive, I could only afford it a few times. And before you ask, Reilly is too busy with her own family to help."

"David still deployed in Afghanistan?"

"Yeah. I try not to bother him. He's got enough to worry about just staying alive."

"Ginger sounds like she is behaving a lot like my Alice did, may she rest in peace. Listen, I'm going to tell you something that you may not like but please think about it. Is your wife on Aricept or Namenda?"

"Yes. Why?"

"What do you think it does?"

"Well, it doesn't cure dementia. It slows down the progress."

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'Why?'"

"Why do you want to slow down the disease? There is no cure. It only keeps her and you in agony longer. My advice is to get her off the medications. It will shorten her misery by a couple of years and extend your life by several years."

Russell had never thought of anything like this before. "I don't know man. I want us to be together as long as possible."

"Ask yourself, is the woman she is now really the woman you want to be with and watch slowly get worse and worse? Think of what is best for you and her."

"But they are discovering drugs all the time that might make her better."

"They are discovering drugs that might stop dementia where it is, not help the person get better. She's already killed too many brain cells to recover. Would you want her to stay where she is mentally right now for the rest of your life?"

"Thanks for making me feel better." Russell said sarcastically.

"I wouldn't be your buddy if I didn't shoot straight with you. There is no good answer to what you want answers to. I'm sorry. I will give you more advice that can help you survive. Go to the Alzheimer's Support Group. I think it's every second Tuesday of the month at the Area Agency on Aging on Fairview Drive. Starts at 10:00 in the morning. Family members come and share experiences dealing with relatives with dementia. Sometimes they have a speaker who tells about programs that help with transportation, help in the home, and medical equipment. Stuff like that. You ought to check it out."

Russell was not sure he left Wally feeling better or worse. He was dreading his talk with the social worker tomorrow. His total mental exhaustion and the bourbon gave him a rare good night's sleep.

He had to wait on Abby for over a half hour before she could talk to him. That did not put him in the mood to be polite. As soon as she sat down at her desk, Russell asked, "Okay, tell me why I should tolerate my wife having sex with another man?"

Abby did not react defensively. She had heard things like this before. "Mr. Compton, I cannot tell you I know how you feel. Nothing like this has happened to me. I do know it hurts you to see your wife in that situation. Please allow me to explain why we have the philosophy we have.

She started with, "When a person has Alzheimer's . . ."

Russell interrupted, "She has Dementia. She doesn't have Alzheimer's."

"That's a common mix-up people make. Alzheimer's is actually a type of Dementia. It is by far the most prominent form of Dementia. There are several other types. The common feature among the Dementias is memory loss."

Abby continued, "There are a number of symptoms that may or may not accompany the disease. Some people wander, some don't. Some people change their personality, some don't. So on and so forth. No two people with Alzheimer's are exactly the same. What is the same is memory loss and gradual loss of cognition and finally stoppage of vital organs.

"The way I like to describe what has happened to your wife mentally is that she has been forced into a time machine. She is able to go back in time, but the forward button is broken. She can only go further and further back. That's why she can remember things clearly from years ago but might not be able to tell you what she had for breakfast, or even that she had breakfast at all.

"Since she cannot return to our time, we have to join her in her time whenever that is in the past. We support your wife's enjoying herself as much as possible in the time zone in which the machine has stopped. That's why we talk about the good old days and people in her past, participate in activities appropriate to those times, and we lie about going home, seeing people who are now dead because they are real to her. We try to give our residents positive experiences. They may not remember our exchanges, but they seem to remember positive and negative emotions.

"People's behavior is based on their perception. Alzheimer's alters her perception of the real world therefore, she behaves appropriately in the world that used to exist, not what really exists now. Unfortunately for you, Ginger is having a relationship with someone she sees as appropriate. We cannot make your wife perceive the world as we perceive it. All we can do is make each day as pleasant as possible for her while she is in here."

"So as long as it makes it 'pleasant' for Ginger, it's okay for her to commit adultery?"

Abby took a deep breath before continuing. "The code we follow says residents are free to choose their companions as long as it is their choice unless their guardian disagrees. According to the record I have in front of me, you are not her legal guardian."

"I'm her damned husband. Doesn't that give me the say in who my wife has sex with?"

"Technically, no. Just like if she did not have dementia, you being her husband would not have prevented her from having an affair if she chose, and I'm not saying she would. If she had had an affair, besides being angry, you would probably try and understand why before you took any action. That's what you need to do now. Her reason why has nothing to do with cheating on you. Please read the materials we gave you. That will help you understand."

"I understand that you don't mind me paying you for her so-called care, but you don't think I need to be consulted about who she fucks!"

"You're getting agitated Mr. Compton. If what I told you is upsetting you too much, I'll be glad to have the Administrator explain. Of course, you always have the option of putting her somewhere else."

Russell sat quietly trying to absorb what he had been told and the threat of trying to place her somewhere else. He thought of the times in which he and Ginger were having trouble communicating as before. "I'm sorry I got angry. But you're telling me I'm supposed to accept something I don't think I can."

"Unfortunately, yes. To make things better for you and her, you have to learn a different way of interacting with your wife. We use the "Best Friends Approach" as our training model. Believe me, if you learn it, it will make things a lot better. I highly recommend you attend the Alzheimer's Support Group. They can really help."

"I know. Second Tuesdays at the Area Agency on Aging. My friend recommended it also."

"Good. Please also do not hesitate to question me or the staff about how we approach her or what we are doing at any time. It's very understandable why you're angry. That's not to say we don't make mistakes, but we do the best we can."

"Thanks." He silently added, "for nothing." Russell had planned to go by and see his wife after leaving Abby's office, but he just couldn't talk with her so soon after seeing her with another man. He went home.

The phone rang as soon as he walked in the door. It was Russell and Ginger's daughter Reilly. "Hey Dad, how's Mom?"

Russell was a little pissed. She never asked how he was first. He tried to hide his frustration. "She seems to have adjusted to the nursing home. I know she has made at least one special friend." Russell couldn't resist making a snide comment even though Reilly had no idea what he really meant.

"That's good. I know why she had to go there while you were in the hospital, but I'm not sure why you didn't bring her home after you got better."

Russell bristled at what he considered a challenge to his really loving his wife. "You don't know why I didn't bring her home because you have no idea what it's like to care for her. Take her to live with you for a couple of weeks and then criticize my decision."

"You don't have to get so all huffy on me. We visited you all a few months ago and she didn't seem too bad."

"Yeah, you spent, what, five hours with her? You talked about the good old days. Did you try to give her a bath when she refused? Did you get up at midnight to keep her from leaving the house? Did you answer the same damned question when she asked it for the 10

th

time in an hour?"

"Well, it seems there has to be some type of government program that would help you. You managed pretty good on your own until your heart attack."

Russell tried another tack. "Reilly, you're one of those progressive, women's lib types. Didn't you say at one time that a housewife's job should be considered more valuable? How it's even more difficult and time consuming than a regular full-time job since it goes from before breakfast and continues after dinner?"

"Yeah, but what's that go to do with . . . . "

"Who do you think is doing the more-than-fulltime job your mother did for almost fifty years? Me! And who is doing my usual job? Me! Who is doing the extra job of caring for a person with dementia? Me! You want to take over ANY of my jobs? Come ahead. As far as programs to help me, name one."

"Calm down, Dad. You know I have my own family now to take care of. Teenagers take a lot of energy to deal with. I would like to help out of course, but I can't. You're her husband for God's sake."

Russell began to worry he would trigger another heart attack. "I'm damn well aware I'm her husband. Likewise, are you aware you are her child? Let's see, how many YEARS did your mother and I feed you, clothe you, provide shelter for you, wipe your ass, doctor your ills, mend your broken heart, buy you a car, and send you to college? 22 years? How many DAYS have you paid us back? Almost none, you ungrateful . . ." He slammed the phone down and went to take his blood pressure.

When the phone rang back almost immediately, he pulled it out of the socket by its cord. Knowing what would come next, he turned off his cell phone. He realized he might need to apologize later, but for now there was no motivation to do so.

In the ensuing days, he read the materials recommended. There never was an anniversary celebration. Ginger would not believe it was her anniversary because she did not believe he was her husband. After a couple of times of her not recognizing him and him having to walk away, he asked the duty nurse for help. She counseled, "You do not look like what Russell looked like at the time in which her mind is living. You're too old to be Russell in her mind. Maybe you can try telling her you're someone else that was old to you two back 20-30 years ago and go from there."

"I guess it's worth a try. I'm not having any luck now." Russell went to Ginger's ward where she was sitting in the lounge staring in space.

"Hello Ginger. How are you?"

"Who are you? What do you want?"

"Don't you remember me?"

"Well, you kind of look like my Russell's father."

The information he had read kicked in, "That's right, I'm Carl, Russell's father."

Ginger's face brightened immediately. "Carl, it's so good to see you. How's Mildred?"

"She's doing fine, thanks. She would have come but she's busy baking stuff for a bereavement meal at the church. I'm sure she will come to see you soon."

With a smile on your face, "When's that no-good son of yours and husband of mine coming to take me out of this God forsaken place?"

Russell smiled back, "I just saw Russell a little while ago. He said he would be here as soon as he's done working."

"Sometimes, I think he loves his job better than he loves me."

"Now, Ginger, you know better than that. I know for a fact that Russell loves you more than ever." It was hard for Russell to hold back the tears.

"Yes, I know. I've never doubted that for a minute." After hesitating for a minute, Ginger continued, "When is Russell coming to pick me up?"

"As soon as he gets off work."

"He better."

"Well, I have to go now. I will come back soon."

"Thanks. Next time bring some chocolate, please."

Russell had mixed feelings about his exchange with his wife. He lamented his wife's condition, but he felt better about their talk and how happy Ginger seemed to be in contrast to their latest meetings. He looked forward to the support group meeting tomorrow although he was scared to tell his story to strangers.

The Alzheimer's Support Group met in a small conference room. About a dozen people sat around an oblong table. Coffee and donuts were offered. Everyone that came in signed an attendance form. A beautiful African-American social worker named Belinda headed the meeting. She asked him to fill out another form with his name, address, phone, etc. She said it was necessary for her to get her agency credit for hosting the group. Promises were made that the information would not be given to anyone except the Alzheimer's Association and the state agency that monitored her program. She also had Russell sign a Confidentiality Agreement saying he would not repeat anything said in this meeting outside these walls. Wally, who attended with him at Russell's request, assured him that filling out the sheet and signing the form was okay.

Belinda opened the meeting by saying, "Since we have a newcomer today, I just want to go over the basic rules that govern these meetings. First, anything said in this room, stays in this room. Secondly, everyone is welcome to speak his or her mind, but no one has to speak unless they choose to. Finally, we are polite to one another, we can agree to disagree, but no insults are allowed. If anyone is tending to dominate the talking, I will discuss this problem with the person after the meeting. Anyone have any questions?"

"Okay. Russell, as I said, no one has to speak, but it is kind of a tradition for a new person to tell us about his or her situation regarding being a caregiver. Everyone else with give you a BRIEF summary of their situation. Would you like to go first or wait until the others have spoken?"

"I'd like to wait. I'm sort of nervous."

Each person around the table spoke about their situation. Some were spouses, some were adult children, and one was a grandchild. About half had their loved ones at home. The other half had their relative in a nursing home. One woman's husband had recently deceased. There were two sisters there that were splitting responsibilities with each other for their mother's care. Russell felt more comfortable after they spoke about describing his situation.