I acquired something from the bookshelf that even nosy Karen, couldn't find - after years of trying exploring every nook and cranny of this house whenever she manages to get herself through that front door. She is like a vigilante working hard to expose the secrets Mona and I swept under the rug. But even her utmost desire to find our embarrassing truths couldn't help her find this one. It's a plain looking diary with black hard cover showing substantial amount of neglect. Most of the pages in that diary are garbage to other people -- Quantum Computational algorithms, grocery lists, lyrics, some journal entries, stories from my past etc. As you can tell, I am not an ardent diarist; I lack the self-organization to come close to meeting such a criteria. Be that as it may, the diary perfectly camouflaged a hidden entry I treasured. In my darkest hours, I find it to draw strength from it. Now is such a time! I took it in my hands carefully and wiped away the dust. I flipped the pages leisurely to find an entry dated 16th, October, 2007. It is something of a very personal nature; the only person ever to read this other than me is Mona, my beautiful loving wife. It was hard for me to focus. After every few lines, I kept getting lost in my thoughts reliving events of recent and distance pasts; it always had that effect on me. The lines in that journal entry are relatively plain, but the depth they carry for me is immense.
I finished reading it, looked out the window and watched the neighbor's dog trying to dig out a sprinkler. But right now, I can't even tell the color or breed because as I watch him do his mischiefs I am deeply engulfed in my own thoughts; my vision is blurred. Watching the dog is just a cover up. I always cared about Mona deeply. She is the love and joy of my life. Right now, my greatest fear is of losing her. It's like we opened a flood gate and the waves carried us away while we drifted apart. Our human strength, minuscule in comparison, could not retain us together. I don't think I can deal with the pain of losing Mona. But at the moment, the various scenarios that can potentially play out today -- possibly within the next few hours -- lead to one conclusion: Mona is about to break up with me! I am not sure when it's going to happen -- may be while we're pretending to be shopping, or pretending to having a good time at lunch, or pretending to be in the double date: but I know almost certainly that it is going to happen!
About an hour ago, I have been served the "Honey, you and I need to talk" notice by Mona. The best case scenario is that Mona is just falling for Anil. She just wants a day with me, tells me the facts right away, booked a double date to say goodbye and part ways. But the involvement of Karen in all this points me to the worst case scenario; a brutal and humiliating breakup that will rip my heart out. I dreaded that Mona had learned what transpired between Karen and I. She felt betrayed and the anger brewed inside of her over time. I made the situation worse when I hit her. So this could all be a brutal revenge scheme. What transpired in the last few weeks could all be part of a ploy that aimed to obliterate my dignity as a human being. She was only marginally nice to me to make sure I had played my part. Actually that theory explains a lot of things that had happened! May be they already videotaped me for the bonus round of post breakup humiliation!
Can Mona ever be so cruel to me? My gut feelings say, "No"! The person I fell in love with can never do such a thing. But then again, the person I fell in love with could just be a figment of my imagination, who may not really be the same as Mona in the flesh: Love, especially one-sided love, can be quite perilous.
These thoughts are despairing and damaging to my spirit -- hence the blurred vision and the inability to see dog! I wished for someone to really look into my heart and tell me I am right to think that I only had good intentions. I never meant to hurt Mona, or cheat on her. I didn't ever mean to lead Karen on; I didn't mean to develop feelings for her. To my dismay, the later did happen. The outcome seemed to have outsmarted my good intentions. I felt smothered and constricted by the net of realities I created around me. I don't deserve to be put down like this. I aspire waking up next to my beautiful wife yet another day. I dream of seeing Karen smiling watching the rising sun. I call upon the spirits to give me strength to bear the imminent!
What felt like ages soon came to an end as my wife came into view showing me the car keys bearing a big smile. It was not the expression of a vengeful woman; or maybe she is just a really good actress. My wife looked smoking hot in an orange mesh dress with a furrowed sheer coming from the shoulder covering one side of her breasts. The other side plain in contrast, created a tantalizing eroticism. The dress flowed to her knees. She was wearing golden high heels. I have to give it to her -- she had taken it to the next level! The hotness oozing out of her almost made me cum in my pants.
We walked out! What a beautiful day! She was holding my arm while walking along the sidewalk. Such affection from her in a time like this was sort of unexpected! I gave up concocting various scenarios inside my head and decided to pay attention to her instead. Her hair smells really good; it is soft and silky. The softness of her breast just brushed against my arms in a loving manner while she held me close. We strolled towards the park, passing the statue of the Armengols beyond the bird sanctuary. The light summer breeze offset the scorching sun and surrounded us with the sweet murmur of tree leaves. Overall, I was having a good time; I only faintly hoped that the feeling was mutual. I just couldn't flush those thoughts from the back of my mind; they made me edgy.
If we truly have reached the end, then I would like to spoil her one more time. We walked into a lingerie shop and I bought her some lacy Victoria secrets. She complained about being sore a few times while we walked. So I surprised her by taking her to a spa for a couple's session. Oh Man; that was almost as good as sex! While we were both on cloud nine, she stole romantic glances at me. Her serene gaze was warm and kind. It contradicted the thorny future I prophesized. After having a much needed therapeutic rejuvenation, we giggled out of the spa and walked into a sex shop holding hands. She coyly browsed the shelves using me as a cover. We ended up buying some Nuru Gel; she heard they were really good! She also bought a weird looking sex toy.
Our romance blossomed as the day progressed. We shopped for clothes and shoes and bags. I did whatever I could to pamper her. It was getting pretty late and we were starving. So she dragged me to this sushi bar claiming it fantastic. It is when I walked in that I realized she had planned to come here all along. The place constituted of booths where couples can have some privacy if need be. The restaurant looks relatively empty at this hour of the day. We were greeted by a nice Asian girl. Mona made the orders and told the waitress to take her time. We made some small talks as I watched her gather her thoughts. Her body language displayed an inner conflict between eagerness and hesitation. So I brought up the topic of what she had said in the bed. I asked her as nicely as possible if she had anything to say to me. She nodded and kept glaring at me.
Mona began by telling me that it was hard for her; once it's out there is no going back. She asked me if I knew anything about her plan, or if Karen told me anything. I admitted that I didn't know much, that I was feeling concerned for us. She was very nice to me and apologized for keeping me in the dark about all this. But she firmly believed that it was necessary. Then, she told me about her plan!
It was nothing like I imagined; looks like I completely underestimated her. How could I doubt her like that? She told me flat out that she had known for a year about Karen and I. Karen told her what happened while explaining why she had feelings for me. It's not something that made her angry, only happy and proud. She understood it took great strength of character on my part. Any ordinary guy would give in to a situation like this in the worst way. But knowing how Karen felt made her insecure over time; Mona always kept an eye on me. She told me it wasn't easy at times, especially when she suspected I had feelings for Karen as well.
She told me that the idea is really simple. She talked to Karen and Anil and came to an agreement. Karen is to date Anil or at least get along with him so that the four of us can be together. This is the price they must both agree to pay to have us in their lives. This way, we can all start living together without rousing suspicion and social rejection. She feels this "arrangement" is the only way to make this work. The four of us, all having mutual feelings for one another, can usher a golden age of happiness -- if only we can look beyond jealousy and selfishness. It will restore the perfect balance in our relationship. She also told me that she totally understood how her condition cornered me. She felt as helpless as I did. After holding back so much pent up feelings, when she was finally united with Anil, she lost herself for a little while. She knew her weakness was causing me pain. She felt guilty that I had to tolerate the sequence of events that followed. She confessed that the dirty talk was just mere kink; she didn't really mean any of it. Deep down, she has infinite respect and love for me. She worshipped me as I did her. So, in a manner of speaking, she wants to give me Karen - as a token of love. It is the ultimate sacrifice, so that we all can be happy together! Of course, only if I agree to it. She had to keep this plan from me, because I was the last piece of this puzzle. It was a difficult plan to materialize and she had played one little piece at a time. She handled a delicate situation the best way she could without hurting anyone!
I remained at the edge of my seat, mesmerized while she spoke. I was lost for words! To say I was surprised would be an understatement. Even if I played a thousand scenarios in my mind, I won't be able to come up with this one. I don't know how to respond to her. I just locked her in a hollow gaze. My head felt ballooning, my vision tunneling.
Mona brought me out of my trance, "What do you think, Vijay?"
I took a gulp from the wine glass - my mouth was too dry. I said, "I thought you brought me here to break up with me!"
"What? Why would I do such a thing?" she said looking shocked.
I hesitated but spoke, "Karen and I... Uh.. I never wanted it to happen this way. I never had any bad intentions. I never cheated on you. It doesn't need to be like this. She will learn to forget."
"Vijay, we wouldn't be sitting in this table right now, having this conversation if I felt you cheated. I know you better than that darling. Besides, Karen is a blabber-mouth. She hid nothing from me. So tell me! Don't you think Karen is nice?"
I got defensive, "Babe... Karen is amazing, but you're the one I love. I can't risk it for anything."
She interrupted me, "And I love you too. Far more than you think. This isn't an easy decision for me, Vijay. But I made peace with it. What say you?"
I still kept trying, "It doesn't have to be that way."
"Oh yes it does. It is the only way and you know it!"
I thought for a moment and asked, "Wouldn't you be jealous... I mean let's say if I agree to be with Karen? You were so protective of me all the time."
"Of course, I will be jealous! But trust me when I say I'll live. In the end, it will make us stronger."
"What if I don't want to be with Karen?"
"Then look into my eyes and tell me now this is not what you want."
I was silenced by the question. After a while I commented, "This is messed up baby. It's so complicated."
"Or may be it is what it is -- a simple solution. Our ego makes it complicated."
