The Will of Instinct

Driving up the picturesque Western Washington coastline along Highway 4, Bonnie Kloster looked over her left shoulder at the mighty Pacific as it crashed relentlessly against the jagged shoreline. The thirty-one-year-old registered nurse felt an odd kinship with the shoreline as she watched wave after furious wave take a toll on the rocky land that was unable to defend itself. The terrible irony of not being able to defend oneself from the nonstop flow of 'waves' clearly hit Bonnie right in the gut as she drove home to Aberdeen.

Five months pregnant and alone in her car, Bonnie relished these rare moments to herself where she could contemplate her future without her pager going off, her husband, Jarrett, going off or her 5 year old son going off. Bonnie felt a bitter taste seep into her mouth as she silently asked herself if this was the time or place to bring another child into, then she felt an awkward private guilt when she didn't readily dismiss the question.

It was a cool late September Sunday evening around dusk as the thirty-one-year-old woman let the cruise control of her Toyota Camry take her home to her 5 year old son and husband of 8 years. Looking down at the digital clock on the car's radio, Bonnie hummed along to a country song , seeing it was a quarter to 8.

"I'll be home by nine," Bonnie sighed to herself, almost disgustedly, realizing it would be back to the same 12 hour a day grind at work, 6-8 hours a day of being a faithful wife and mother, all that added to the stress of carrying out her second pregnancy. Bonnie Kloster felt as if she was headed towards a serious crisis in her life.

* * * * *

It had in many ways been the best and most enjoyable weekend in along time for Bonnie. Attending her youngest sister, Marleene's, wedding had given Bonnie the chance to catch up with her family and several friends she hadn't seen in way too long. Even though she had to deflect questions at every turn about why her husband Jarrett had decided not to come, the weekend as a whole had gone a long way towards recharging Bonnie's batteries.

Noticing the gas needle on the dash say she was down to about an eighth of a tank, Bonnie made the decision that running out before she got home was not the way she wanted to finish up what had been such an uplifting few days. In that moment, Bonnie decided to turn off at the next exit and get enough fuel to guarantee she'd get home safely.

Numb with the symptoms of "highway hypnosis", Bonnie slowly wheeled her car down the exit ramp and found the first gas station she could on the outskirts of South Bend, about 45 minutes from home. Pulling into the Conoco station, Bonnie decided she should probably give Jarrett a call to let him know she was less than an hour away and she could also say goodnight to her young son before his bedtime.

* * * * *

As she pumped her gas, Bonnie's mind fluttered between her problems at home and how good she felt after seeing her little sister get married. Bonnie felt her insides warm seeing how undeniably happy Marleene had looked after the preacher had announced her and her groom 'man and wife'. Bonnie didn't have the nerve to break it to her sister that she should relish the day because there were so many potential landmines in their future that anyone would shudder at the thought. Still, Bonnie told herself that it just was jealousy talking, just because the bloom was off her marriage didn't mean that her sister might not live happily ever after. More than anything else, Bonnie missed the passion and giddiness in her relationship that the married couple seemed to have as they embarked on their honeymoon earlier that day.

After eight years of marriage, a five year old with a learning disability, two jobs that kept Bonnie and Jarrett from spending any meaningful time together along with the normal financial and personality issues that any relationship had, it had created a very passionless and monotonous existence for the two. Even the presence of a second, albeit unplanned, baby on the way was greeted as an added complication rather than the blessing that both knew it should be.

Early on in the pregnancy, Bonnie was unable to bring herself to have an abortion before she told Jarrett the child was growing inside of her. Now 5 months into it, Bonnie was left with the daily hand wringing of whether to have the baby and keep it or to put it up for adoption.

As the handle of the gas pump clicked off telling her her tank was full, Bonnie felt the warm traces of a stream of tears wash from the corner of her left eye and down her cheek. Poking her head into the car to get a tissue to compose herself, Bonnie scanned the station property until her eyes fixed upon where the payphone was, surprisingly far away and secluded from the actual store itself. At least 100 yards from where she was parked she guessed.

Dabbing at the tears running down her cheek, Bonnie could feel the sting from the backslap she received from her husband a few days earlier right in the same tender place. Jarrett and Bonnie had fought over whether or not he was going to go to the wedding with her that weekend.

Bonnie had desperately wanted to show a united front and have him at her side but Jarrett was dead set on staying home and doing a few things with his friends from work that weekend. A culmination of other little things had combined and exploded as they argued and out of nowhere, Jarrett had slapped his wife right across the face with the back of his hand. He had later apologized but the damage was done, it was the first time he had ever struck her and by forgiving him, Bonnie knew the pattern well enough from her medical training to know he would probably do it again at some point.

What Bonnie was also in denial about was the circumstances of her pregnancy. The child growing in her belly was not exactly their love child.

Seven months earlier, Jarrett Kloster had quit his job under an undetermined cloud that he still hadn't discussed with his wife. Through the he said/she said function of the social grapevine in the her neighborhood, Bonnie had learned that her husband 'may' have had an affair with a secretary at his firm and in the process, gotten her pregnant.

When $350 mysteriously disappeared around that time from their family bank account and a few days later Jarrett quit his job abruptly, Bonnie was able to put two and two together when she saw the suspected secretary at the local Wal-Mart...and the secretary showed no signs of being pregnant anymore.

In the twisted logic of trying to save her marriage, Bonnie had then neglected to tell her husband that she had stopped taking her birth control pills. When Jarrett staggered home one night drunk from his friend's house, Bonnie had let him fuck her to completion and then a few weeks later, Bonnie discovered that she was, in fact, pregnant.

When Jarrett found his Bonnie had conceived their second child, the mood in the marriage had completely deteriorated and Jarrett had not touched her once sexually since, even though the hormones in her body made her libido as sharp and pulsing as ever.

Seeing her sister and new husband so into each other all weekend made Bonnie blush longingly as she thought about the fun the two must be having as they enjoyed their honeymoon together.

Taking a $20 inside the store to pay for her gas, Bonnie also decided to buy a calling card so she could call Jarrett on the payphone to tell him she'd soon be home and that she was OK.

"Is that the closest phone?" Bonnie asked the young clerk , pointing out to the dingy booth 100 yards away from the store.

The young boy nodded his head and said "Yes," as he counted back Bonnie's change.

"Wow, why so far away from the store?" She inquired pleasantly.

"We get a lot of bad elements around here...mostly just to use the phone and bathrooms...it's just to keep them as far away from the store as possible," came the kid's nonchalant and well practiced answer.

"Ohhhh," Bonnie replied. "I guess that little building out there are the rest rooms Huh?"

"UhhhHuhhh," The clerk replied as he started to wait on the next customer in line.

As Bonnie clutched her calling card in one hand and purse in the other, she realized with the baby pressing against her insides that she would need to take a pee break before returning home and she also knew she better call home as well. "All righty," she said to herself, turning on a dime in the parking lot. "Hell, I'll just walk over there, I need the exercise and besides, there isn't anyone else over there right now."

Waddling slowly over to the phone, Bonnie placed her hands on her belly as she made her way over to call home. She always seemed to get a clear and refreshing sense of calm each time she connected with the fetus growing inside her womb. Nearing the secluded phone booth, Bonnie felt first twinge of nervousness about her situation when a car slowly turned into the Conoco station and eased across the concrete lot until it parked no more than 25 feet from where the only phone rested.

Not wanting to stare, Bonnie tried her best to focus on scratching off the wax that covered the phone card access number with her fingernails as she eased up to the open air phone booth. Stealing a glance or two to her right as she pressed the numbers on the keypad, Bonnie just couldn't make out the face of the person driving the large, mid 70's American gas guzzler parked right beside her. All she could make out in her hasty attempt to satisfy her curiosity was the orangish glow of a lit cigarette as it's owner rested it against the top of the steering wheel in the early evening rural Washington darkness.

"Hello," The gruff voice on the other end answered before the phone had even rang once. The suddenness of the greeting, if you want to call it that, momentarily surprised Bonnie as she tried to collect her jumbled thoughts.

"H..H..Hi..its me Hon...,' Bonnie tentatively told her husband.

"You OK," Jarrett asked emotionlessly, before Bonnie could even finish her question.

"Ye...ye..yeah...I'm fine," Bonnie stuttered, then asked about her son. "I should be home in an hour...How's Jason?"

The pregnant pause that it took Jarrett to answer his wife's simple question and the subtle way he slurred his words when he did told Bonnie all she needed to know. Jarrett had been drinking again.

She knew he wasn't to the point of being completely drunk yet, but he was far enough along where his mood swings would be grossly unpredictable. "Kid's somewhere around...he's fine," Jarrett finally replied.

Bonnie bit her tongue, not wanting to start an argument that she surely would have to finish when she got home in an hour.

"All righty then..I should be home in less than an hour..tell Jason that Mommy loves him and she'll be home to tuck him in to bed soon," Bonnie said, trying to show as much restraint as possible.

Again a long awkward silence floated like a storm cloud between the two until Bonnie heard the sloshing sound of Jarrett taking the beer bottle away from his mouth and swallowing.

"OK," Jarrett answered simply, in a modified belch.

As Bonnie struggled for the best way to end the conversation with her husband, she accidentally looked over her right shoulder and saw that the car that had pulled up beside her no longer had anyone in it. Nervously turning and facing forward, Bonnie felt the miniscule worry that had nested in her gut all of the sudden start to fizz like an antacid realizing the driver of the car was unaccounted for.

Trapped in the awkward silence of the conversation with her husband, Bonnie felt the darkness suddenly become that much darker around her as the primal part of her brain made her desperately feel the need to pan her head around to find the faceless driver.

Hemming and hawing with Jarrett, who was silent on the other end, Bonnie finally felt the cold dagger of her husband's words pierce her eardrums. "Who are you with?"

The numbing tone of insinuation in his voice made Bonnie bristle with anger as she fought the urge to slam the phone down. After all, he had been the one to lose his job because of his extended indiscretion with a young secretary at the firm. And since that had happened, Jarrett had felt the need to displace his guilt by accusing Bonnie of doing the same thing, even going as far as implying that her current pregnancy was the result of an affair on her part.

Knowing it was mainly the alcohol along with his insecurity talking, Bonnie did her best to ignore his accusation. The part that really bothered her though was that she knew that Jarrett had probably spent all weekend filling her son's head with all kinds of bad things about what his mommy had done.

In her disgust with her spouse, Bonnie had forgotten all about what was going on around her and never heard the stranger that had been driving the car as he slowly walked up behind her at the secluded payphone. Trying to keep her composure with her inebriated husband, the 31 year old pregnant woman didn't know the stranger was there until she smelt the exhaust coming off his Kool filter cigarette behind her.

"Look Jarrett...I gotta go...somebody else here needs to use the phone," Bonnie hissed, grinding her teeth together. hoping the guy behind her didn't hear her.

"BULLSHIT!" Jarrett drunkenly yelled through the phone, loud enough so that even the guy patiently smoking his cigarette behind Bonnie could hear. "You ain't at any pay phone Bitch...I could hear the cars and trucks going by if you were!"

Bonnie was tempted to try and logically explain that the phone booth was secluded off the road, but deciding logic was the last thing Jarrett could handle hearing in his present condition, she was left helpless but to stand there with the stranger looking on trying to end her conversation with her husband.

* * * * *

The man standing behind Bonnie had in fact stopped to use the phone as well. As he stood there patiently finishing his smoke, he was close enough to the woman that each time he exhaled, the smoke tinged and bourbon soured warmth of his breath swept across the back of Bonnie's short red hair. Watching her intently from behind, the strange man sized up Bonnie the same way he would have done any women in that position. It wasn't so much that the nameless man was a predator, he simply pursued things in life that made him happy and often the thrill of the chase turned out to be greater than the kill itself.

Easily sensing the undeniable tension oozing from Bonnie's body as she tried calming her husband through the receiver, the stranger found himself dropping his spent cigarette butt to the concrete below and smashing it out with the heel of his muddy brown work boot. Stepping forward, the man behind Bonnie was suddenly within arms reach.

Mid 30's he guessed, a little heavyset even though she was gifted with a slim frame. "Age setting in," he surmised from behind.

Probably a school teacher or a care giver of some sort he nameless man decided from the authoritative but Motherly way she carried herself. Looking at her left hand as it strained against the side of the phone booth, the stranger could see the gold wedding band glimmer on her finger and guessed by the halted and frustrated tone of her breathing that it must be her husband on the other end of the line. From the way the woman kept her shoulders square, the keen observer behind her could tell she had a clear sense of self esteem but from the way she rocked back and forth like somebody who was invisible bound, he could tell she wasn't having one of her most comfortable moments in life.

It was very simple for him to see Bonnie wasn't enthralled with her current lot in life and not thinking clearly, in the wild she would be considered very easy prey.

* * * * *

Bonnie felt as if her temples were locked in a vice. Her husband Jarrett mumbled on and on with his drunken tirade as Bonnie tried her best to jump in and defend herself. Interjecting herself proved to be as difficult however as jumping onto a rapidly spinning carousel at a amusement park.

She was so preoccupied with the chaos surrounding her husband, Bonnie didn't realize just how close the stranger behind her had gotten until he actually reached out and touched her.

"Ohhh..GGGOOODDD," Bonnie gasped in a voice she barely recognized as her own. It was a voice so out of character for her that even in his inebriated state, Jarrett paused to see what had come over his wife.

For a brief moment, Bonnie had thought she had just imagined the touch, maybe it was just the wind or the phone cord. When she clearly felt the equal pressure of five fingertips moving in unison against the small of her back however, Bonnie's entire body desperately tensed as if she had been speared.

With the phone receiver in a death grip in her right hand, and the side panel of the phone booth clutched in her left Bonnie rapidly moved her lips trying to make a plea, but no sound came out.

Then the awkward silence that hung heavily in the air was finally broken when Jarrett Kloster continued his insensitive verbal assault against his wife.

"Damn Bitch...who the Hell are you with?" Jarrett asked bitterly.

"I don't... know...I don't...I...," Bonnie whispered weakly as the man's touch behind her got heavier and more insistent.

Then Jarrett interrupted once again. "Bonnie...I'm gonna hang this phone up right now and I'm gonna call your Mom and your Dad and you know what...I gonna tell them I married the biggest whore in the state of Washington...yeah...you go away all weekend...leave your husband and your kid at home...even runnin' around fuckin' pregnant...your probably fucking a guy or two at every rest stop on the way home aren't ya' Bitch!"

"Please...Noooooo...mmmm...nnnoooooo," Bonnie pleaded for him to come to his senses. "I'm ...I'm..I'mmm..."

"You're a slut...that's what you are," Jarrett finished her sentence coldly.

* * * * *

So close now behind Bonnie's ear, the darkly tanned stranger could hear every biting word coming out of Jarrett Kloster's mouth towards his wife. The stranger could also feel Bonnie's trembling, terrible reaction to those words as he held her by the base of her spine. He could clearly make out every nasty and awful thing that creeped out of Jarrett Kloster's mouth as he looked down on Bonnie, sizing her up from head to toe, not buying at all that she was that type of woman her husband was describing.

The stranger had plenty of experience trying to decipher the drunken ramblings of acquaintances over the years and even he was having a hard time making any sense of Jarrett Kloster's tirade. Still, what he did clearly understand however was the effect it was having on the woman in front of him. He was watching a proud and strong woman literally hit rock bottom emotionally right in front of his eyes under the bombardment of her husband's addiction and insecurities.

Moving his hand a little lower, down over Bonnie's rounded, child bearing hips, the stranger flexed all five of his fingers outwards until almost all of Bonnie's behind was covered.

With his left hand still free, the stranger raised his arm upwards and then let his hand fall gently across Bonnie's left hand that was still clutching the side of the phone booth. As her hand disappeared underneath his, the stranger held his breath waiting for the woman he was approaching to retreat or perhaps scream out violently.

It was a reaction that never came.

Instead, all that escaped Bonnie's mouth was a weak "AAAHHH," as her upper lip trembled the same way it always did anytime she got flushed and confused.

Still, Jarrett continued with his angry and cruel accusations. "You want me to tell our son what a slut he has for a mother...HUH...he standing right here in the hallway...I guess I'll just have to tell him that Mommy will be home to tuck him in after she's blown every guy at the truck stop...Is that OK...Baby?"