"You think I am brave because I carry a gun; well, your fathers are much braver because they carry responsibility ... And this responsibility is like a big rock that weighs a ton. It bends and it twists them until finally it buries them under the ground. ...I have never had this kind of courage." Bernardo O'Reilly (Charles Bronson), The Magnificent Seven, 1960
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Richard (Rick) Wilson sat in his twelve-tear-old Ford pickup trying to work up the courage. Courage -- what a strange word to use for the action Rick was contemplating. When did life become so desperately overwhelming that this seemed the only option?
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Rick grew up in a nice house with two younger siblings and two wonderful parents. An 'A minus' student and all-around athlete, Rick was popular throughout high school. He only experienced two traumas in his young life.
The first was when his high school girlfriend, the girl he thought he'd marry someday, broke up with him a month before the junior prom. Carrie gave him the old clichΓ©, "I think it's important we see other people to make certain we really love each other."
Carrie had the nerve to show up at the dance with her new, college-age boyfriend. It took most of the following summer and the support of his family to get over the vision of 'the love of his life' with her arms around the college stud's neck as they swirled and kissed on the dance floor.
It was a year later (what was it about May?) Rick was pitching for his high school baseball team when a line drive hit him in his right ear. The bone surrounding the ear was shattered; he was now deaf in that ear and worse of all, the time recovering prevented the college scouts from seeing him pitch. The scholarships Rick counted on to pay for college never materialized.
Without a scholarship, Rick enrolled at a state college and had just started his junior year when the Twin Towers were destroyed. On September 14th, Rick walked into the local Army Recruiter's office with every intention of signing up. It never occurred to him that he wouldn't be eligible, he was a six-foot, one-hundred-ninety-pound specimen of early manhood. He could bench press two-hundred and sixty pounds and run the quarter mile in fifty-eight seconds.
The recruiter shook his hand and was kind enough to say, "Thanks son, we would have loved to have you join the team." before rejecting him for the deafness in his right ear.
Rick never shared the rejection with anyone. There wasn't a logical reason for the secrecy; he certainly had no reason to feel ashamed for the physical disability. He just never got over the feeling of inadequacy and carried it deep down in his soul for years.
Rick graduated with a degree in Finance and began working at a local branch of a growing bank, Washington Mutual. It was 2003 and the mortgage market was going gangbusters. It wasn't unusual for Rick to close a dozen mortgages every week in addition to the numerous second mortgages and home equity loans. The economy was growing, Rick felt good because he was helping people buy their dream house or use the equity of their homes to purchase things -- boats, new cars, swimming pools -- that the average working class person could never have dreamed owning before this economic boom.
It was a year after graduation when Rick met Stacy Wallace. He was playing outfield and hitting clean-up in an adult baseball league when he saw the cute brunette wearing a modest blouse and not-so-modest pair of summer shorts in the stands with one of his teammate's wives. After the game, Jeff and Jenny introduced Rick to Stacy and asked if he'd like to join the three of them at the local pub to "get a pint".
Rick and Stacy were sitting at the table with their drinks waiting as Jeff and Jenny were talking to another couple at the bar. It was Stacy that broke the ice. "It's been at least three years since the last time getting set-up."
Rick laughed, "They didn't even attempt any subtlety, but that's all right with me. I hope you're all right with it."
It was Stacy's turn to laugh; Rick noticed how her blue eyes seemed to shine as she laughed. "More than all right. In fact, so much better than the last time. Without sounding mean, he was pretty much full of himself; I never got a word in as he regaled me in how wonderful he was."
"Well, it's easy to see why. He was trying hard to impress a beautiful lady."
Stacy blushed. "Ah, flattery instead of boasting. Is that your technique?"
As soon as she said it, Stacy blushed even more than before. Her cheeks were practically burning when she apologized. "I'm sorry, Rick. That was a mean thing to say. I'm a little nervous here and that came out all wrong."
"Nervous? What are you nervous about?"
"I've been nervous ever since Jenny pointed you out on the ball field and told me we were going out afterwards. I watched you play and wondered if you'd be disappointed."
Rick was looking at Stacy and wondering what planet this woman came from. She was a five-seven, maybe one-twenty-pound vision of beauty. How could this woman not know how attractive she was? "Why would I be disappointed?"
Stacy hadn't finished her first pint and still found her lips outrunning her brain; she said the first thing that came to her. "Well, look at you. You're gorgeous."
Rick couldn't believe it; now it was his turn to blush. "Ah, flattery! Does that work for you?"
It was the perfect moment for Jeff and Jenny to rejoin them at the table. Jenny looked at the two of them; trying to figure out if this was another one of her disastrous attempts at playing Cupid. "What happened?"
Jeff was giving Jenny a stern look and ready to tell her, "See I told you to mind your own business." but before he could get the words out, Stacy interrupted him.