Nina and I have been together for 17 years and married for almost 13. We have experienced many phases during those 17 years. We were single professionals in San Francisco when we met. Being childless, we went wherever we wanted and whenever we wanted. The sex was often and adventurous, but always just the two of us. We did it in parked cars, spare bedrooms at parties, or me fingering her to orgasm in the back of a cab or a dark corner of a restaurant.
Kids have a way of changing everything, especially sex. If one is a drastic change, imagine twins. The single professional life quickly disappeared to be replaced by the suburban family life, complete with a minivan and stay-at-home mom.
Sex? What was that? Other than keeping the kids alive, the next most important thing was sleep. Plus Nina went from 120 pounds and a size 4 to 175 pounds and size undisclosed. Before kids, Nina had worked very hard to stay fit and she was hot and sexy. But pregnancy and weight gain changes how a woman feels about herself and the last thing she felt was sexy.
I understood her feelings and why she felt that way. I loved her just the same but nothing I said made any difference. So, during the early years of parenthood, I could count the number of times we had sex in a year on two hands and not need all of my fingers. My knowledge and understanding as to why did nothing to help relieve my sexual desires. Sex was practically non-existent. Well, I should say sex with another person became almost non-existent. I got very familiar with having sex with myself.
Nina was clearly frustrated too. But her frustration was different than mine, which I learned all too clearly one day as she was driving me to work (my firm was just getting started and we could not afford more than one car). Although a share of her frustration was due to how she felt about herself, it was magnified by post-partum hormones and the stress of adjusting to being a full-time mother. She went from being a professional in a high profile firm to changing diapers, pumping breast milk, and cleaning spit-up off her clothes, in addition to the other daily tasks required to care for an infant, times two.
But the real source of her frustration hit me like an ice-bucket challenge: it was me! In the ten-plus years since that revelation, I remember it as if it happened last week. She pointed out all of the things I was not doing to help, effectively leaving all of the household and child-rearing chores to her. What cut the deepest was when she asked, "If you aren't going to do anything to help and be responsible for caring for them, why do I need you? What do you do for me?"
Though she didn't come right out and say it, I knew she was telling me that if things didn't change she was ready to call it quits. Being divorced once already, I didn't want to fail again. I didn't say a word; I couldn't; I was stunned. Here I was oblivious to all the things she was frustrated with, thinking we were one little, happy family. I spent a lot of time thinking about what she said. It is human nature to want to blame someone else or deflect responsibility away from ourselves. But, as much as I wanted to think she was being unfair, she wasn't. I really had been just a mediocre husband and father. She wasn't expecting me to do half; she was just expecting me to do SOMETHING.
I made a commitment after that to do everything possible to be more involved and responsible for our children, our house, and to give her some relief. I realized that I got to escape every day to an air conditioned office. I got to talk to adults, to be intellectually challenged, and to go out to eat. I started by taking over morning duties. I got up early every morning, emptied the dishwasher, took care of the boys, and made their breakfast. Nina got to sleep in and by the time she got up they were fed, washed up, dressed and ready for the day.
After a couple of years of this, our relationship improved considerably. Nina was happier, and I realized that I loved being a dad and being involved with the boys. Our sex life, however, didn't really improve a whole lot. It was a little more frequent, but it was fairly vanilla. A lot of missionary sex and the only oral sex was me going down on her.
It was my turn to be less than happy. I felt that the relationship should be so much more than what it was. But I accepted that this was how our lives would be and decided to make the best of it. My ability to accept this was surprising to me. Before kids, I saw couples who stayed together "for the sake of the children" and never could how they could do that. I thought, "You have one life, why waste 20 years of it with someone you are not happy with?" Now, my past judgment of others was staring me right in the face and I was willing to swallow that which had previously been so distasteful.
I now understood why they would stay together. Being a dad was the most transformational change that had ever occurred in my life. Being with my boys was THE greatest feeling I had ever experienced. I could not imagine waking up in the morning and not being able to see them. I could not imagine coming home to an empty house. I could not imagine missing the milestones, big and small, and not being able to see the little things that they did every day. Imagining the possibility that I would not be able to see them every day literally made me cry. In those moments, I understood. I learned to be careful about judging others and their choices without knowing their circumstances.
It may be cliché to say that you can't appreciate happiness without sadness or love without hate, but it is true. Without experiencing the depths of our relationship, I don't think I would have been able to truly appreciate the heights to which we had risen. The clouds started to clear and the sun started coming out again about six years ago. During the first six years of our kids' lives, Nina had been with them virtually all the time. She had been very protective and wouldn't leave for any length of time. She finally went on a much needed girl's trip with a couple of long-time girlfriends, Nancy and Stacey. Nancy lived across the country but she and Nina had been friends since college. Nancy was married with three kids and had stayed with us during the first week after the boys came home from the hospital. Stacey and Nina were recent friends. Stacey was single, but very conservative. They went for a three-day spa weekend at a high-end resort in Scottsdale, Arizona. We talked every day. She may have felt comfortable enough to leave but there was no way she could go without getting a detailed report about how the kids were doing. Was I feeding them? Were they going to bed on time? Was I giving them a bath? Etc. I could have been offended but I understood and it made me laugh. In turn, she told me what a fun time they were having. It was nice to hear her enjoying herself and relaxing.
When she came home something was different. That first night she practically attacked me and we had some of the best sex we had had in a long time. The fact that she initiated sex was a change, in itself. I didn't know what was different, but I never thought for a second that she had cheated. Nancy and Stacey would never have let her do that, and it's not her personality to stray from her marriage vows. I think being away for a few days made her realize how important our family was and perhaps she realized that she could leave the kids with me and they wouldn't end up dead. Whatever it was, I was not about to question it. We had started the journey from the valley of our relationship to the peak.
Which brings us to today. She is the love of my life and we are closer than we've ever been. It is not unusual for us to have sex 4 or 5 times in a week and it has become far more adventurous. Throughout this time I have been trying to get Nina to have anal sex. It started with her fingering my ass while giving me head. When she started doing that, I saw it as an opening for me. When we first met she wouldn't even let me touch her ass. I started slow. I used my fingertip to tease and tickle her opening. From there, I started inserting my fingertip in the opening. The next step was the entire finger and then two fingers.
She loves it when I go down on her. So I started licking her ass while playing with her clit which has given her some massive orgasms, but the ultimate act is still undone. When we talk about it she is afraid that she won't be able to do it because I'm too big. Of course, it's always nice to hear your wife tell you that you have a big cock. Mine is not necessarily huge, but it is definitely bigger than average in both length and width. We were recently answering a questionnaire designed for couples to talk about sex. One question asked about things we'd like to do and fantasies we have. Nina said hers was anal sex and a threesome with another woman if she wasn't able to do it. I almost got a woody just from her mentioning it.
That, brings us to our story. Not too long ago, the night started like many of our nights. In bed with me watching Sports Center while my Nina read yet another vampire story. I rolled over and started caressing her body. That's usually her cue that I want sex. She let out a grunt and said, "No, not tonight."
"Ahhh, come on, you know you want to," I said softly.
"Hmmmm," she said. "Yes, I usually do, but not tonight; I need a break."
I sighed and returned my gaze to the television not really watching.
Nina whispered, "I'll be right back," as she slid out of bed.
"Good," I said, "I can try again when you get back."
She just laughed as she walked away. Lying naked in bed waiting for her to come back, I was envisioning how I'd get her in the mood when she rejoined me. There was no way I would have imagined what happened next. I heard Nina walking back to the bedroom and was ready for her to get back in bed with me. Then, to my surprise (shock may be a better word), I saw another woman walking right behind her. I sat up quickly, "What the hell? Who is this? What's going on?"
It hadn't dawned on me that I was sitting there naked on the bed in front of this woman I didn't know. My wife had put on her robe. I was so surprised I just sat there staring at them.
