The Surrogate

[Author's Note: I neglected to include "Ch. 01" on the previous installment of this story. I apologize for misleading readers into thinking that it would be a complete story. There will be three chapters in all.]

*

"That fucking bitch!" Michael said it quietly, almost in an undertone, but he was furious. He'd barely settled in the chair before the words came hissing out. Elizabeth had never seen him so upset.

She waited, then prompted, "want to tell me about it?"

He looked at her--his eyes looked haunted. "She came in and seduced me last night--caught me by surprise, or I probably would have turned her down."

He told her all about it: the nightie, Joanna kneeling before him, her words, her hands. About the sex, how pleasant and exciting it had been. About how long he'd lasted. And then about what she'd said.

"She fucking congratulated me! Oh baby, that was terrific, you lasted so long! Like I was a child, like I was a little kid who'd made it to the bathroom instead of peeing himself in bed or something!"

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think that's what she meant, Michael?"

He made himself think before he replied, though he was still livid. "No, I guess--no, of course not. She must have meant it as a compliment, as praise or encouragement or something.

"Still, after the ... whole thing with Trevor ... you know, she's never told me about that. And I can't help thinking that he had plenty of stamina, you know, made her come every time. And here she is patting me on the head like a little boy because I lasted five or six minutes instead of one or two! Fuck her--FUCK her!"

He was steaming, and Elizabeth just let him get it out. He ranted on for another five minutes--Joanna was such a bitch, she just thought she could fuck her way back into his bed, he'd be damned if he was going to compete with her lover, this was the end.

When he was a little calmer Michael looked at her sheepishly and said, "well. I seem to have been a little angry there."

Elizabeth broke up, laughing out loud, and he joined her. They smiled at each other--two people, therapist and patient, who liked each other. She said, "yes, I think maybe you were a little angry.

"But can you talk about why? What aspect of what happened made you so furious?"

He considered. "I think--I think that at first it felt like she was reaching out to me, in a good way. To reconnect, maybe even to apologize in a way. She was saying 'I'm so sorry, I miss you, can we be together again?'

"And I wasn't sure what I wanted, she caught me by surprise. So I went with it, we made love and it was really good, you know? I felt close to her, like we'd taken a real step towards picking up the pieces, towards maybe getting our marriage back.

"Just one step, but a step. And then--" He looked away, his face tightening.

"As soon as she said that, about how I lasted longer--then Trevor was in the room. Her affair was right out there on the table, right in the middle between us. Because, you know, why did she have the damn affair, if it wasn't about my ... my problem? I know she loves me--so sleeping with that bastard, it had to be about finding some guy who could make her come with his dick. What else could it be about?

"So instead of it being a positive thing, it was a fucking slap in the face. 'Trevor is still better, honey, he gets me off, but you're improving!' Fuck that!!"

He had clenched his fists, and sat staring across the room at nothing.

"I know that's not what she meant, it couldn't have been. But that's exactly how it sounded to me.

"And now I'm sorry I ever let her touch me. I'm not going near her again with a ten-foot pole, that's for sure. Maybe it's time to think about a divorce."

Elizabeth was caught off-guard by this. "Why now?" she asked in a neutral tone.

"Well, there's still the kids... That's why I've stayed there all this time. I just didn't want to be away from them, and I sort of figured that sooner or later we could ... work it out."

He shook his head. "But after this... All I know is, I will be DAMNED if I'm going to compete with that asshole!"

Elizabeth had no trouble seeing how deeply upset Michael was--how the ego blow of discovering Joanna's affair in the first place had been recreated by what had happened between them. For the rest of the session she talked quietly with him, trying to lead him to the point that he shouldn't let one bad interaction push him into an irrevocable decision about his marriage.

But when Michael got up to leave, she knew she hadn't reached him; and she feared that his mind was made up.

****************************

When Joanna came into the office Agnes could see the tear-streaks on her cheeks; and she began to cry again almost as soon as the door was closed.

"We were so close! We were doing so well, and we made love, and then--I don't even know how, it all went to hell! And now he's furious with me again, and I..." Her voice broke down into sobs, and she buried her face in her hands.

Agnes waited, and when Joanna was a bit calmer Agnes asked her to tell the story.

"After we got back from the week at Disney World, and we'd had such a nice time with the kids and everything, I decided to ... to seduce him, if I could. I got a really pretty nightie..." She told Agnes what had happened, how well it had gone, how the love-making was warm and exciting, how Michael had lasted far longer than ever before.

"I didn't come or anything, but I felt great! Just terrific! And we were lying there after, holding each other close ... I was so happy I could have turned somersaults!"

"And then...?"

"And then I said something, I praised him for lasting so long, said he'd never done so well--and he went crazy! His eyes got angry and he chewed me out, threw Trevor back in my face--and then he went and locked himself in the bathroom. And I could tell this was serious, this wasn't any little spat. He was as cold as ice." She cried again, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

"All I meant was to say something nice! To build on the good feelings! And he..."

Carefully, Agnes said, "maybe we need to back up a little bit. Joanna, when Michael thinks about your affair with Trevor, what do you imagine he feels about it?"

She looked down. "I--well, he's angry. And hurt, I guess. And he feels that he can't trust me any more, the way he used to.

"And I guess--I guess he wonders why I did it. Whether there was ... what was lacking between us, that made me sleep with another man."

"Let's talk about that for a minute, okay?" Agnes said. "Presumably any man in Michael's situation would feel very hurt, would feel he'd been 'replaced' in some way. Because he was--because his wife had chosen someone else for sex, rather than limiting her sexual activities to just him.

"So any man, Michael or anyone else, would ask 'what did I do wrong? What did I do, or not do--in what way do I fail to satisfy my wife, so that she would consider betraying me in this way?' "

Joanna shuddered at the word 'betraying,' but she forced herself to consider the question. "I guess that ... Well--I guess that any man would wonder whether he was a satisfying, uh, lover for his wife."

Agnes nodded. "And in Michael's case?"

Joanna stared at her--and then the tears started to come again. "In Michael's case," she said hesitantly, not eager to face it, "it would be worse. Much worse. Because he ... because he always comes so fast, and he knows I don't have an orgasm, and he ... he worries that he disappoints me.

"And I used to ... reassure him about it, tell him it didn't matter at all and I loved the way he made love to me, but I pretty much stopped doing that." She was crying hard.

"Oh my God, he must think I went out and found myself a better lover because he wasn't good enough!"

Agnes waited a minute for Joanna's crying to subside. Then she said, quietly, "well, would he be wrong in thinking that? Isn't that exactly what you did?"

.....

It was a painful and difficult session--and the ending was no easier than the rest.

Agnes said, "I don't want to be pessimistic, Joanna, but you need to face the realities.

"In the wake of an affair, the cheated-upon spouse fears the worst, sees the rejection as a devastating judgment about his or her own worth. And it's the job of the one who had the affair to provide not just apologies, but reassurance.

"In some situations that's possible--sometimes a spouse can be brought to understand that the affair didn't result from any lack or weakness on his or her part. But in this case...

"In this case, it seems likely that Michael feels you cheated on him because he wasn't satisfying you sexually. Maybe that's not the whole reason, but he probably sees it as the main one. So your rejection of him hits directly at a most sensitive place: at his manhood, his sense of adequacy as a man and a lover.

"Normally I would urge you to reassure him about this point, to explain that your sexual relationship was great, that it had nothing to do with your unfortunate decision to get involved sexually with another man. But you really can't do that, I'm afraid, because it did. Because sex WAS the reason, or at least the prime reason, for your involvement with Trevor.

"Maybe not for the one-night stand that began the affair, but certainly for the continuation of it." She stopped. Joanna looked at her bleakly.

"So it's hopeless then."

"No, I didn't say that. You and Michael have had a great marriage, and you still have two children you both care about very much. Until this ... setback, it sounds as though your reaching out to him sexually was very successful.

"It's not hopeless. But it is likely to be difficult, and to take a long time. One way or another, Michael is going to have to come to believe that, despite your affair, he is not a failure, not sexually inadequate." Agnes left unspoken just how that was to take place.

"Should I ... try to talk to him about, about me and Trevor?"

"Again, Joanna, normally I'd say yes. Normally a spouse's fears about an affair turn out to be much worse than the reality--hearing the truth is painful but can be a kind of relief. But in this situation...." She stopped, looking thoughtful.

"In this situation I'm not sure it would help. I guess my advice would be to wait until Michael asks, if he does. And then you'll have a very fine line to walk. You need to be totally honest and straightforward, but at the same time you have to find a way to reassure him. It will be very hard for him to believe that he pleases and satisfies you sexually. But he needs to believe that, or ..."

"Or it will be hard for my marriage to survive."

Agnes nodded.

****************************

On the plane Michael thought about Joanna, and he thought about Marina. His work with Marina continued to go well. He masturbated regularly in the privacy of the guest room, and even with the wildest porn on the computer he could usually last the full fifteen minutes. In their sessions together, he was on the receiving end of the first blowjobs of his life--sometimes only a few minutes long but once or twice the full fifteen.

Part of it had to do with how hard Marina tried to make him come. If she went after him with her full effort he knew he couldn't resist. But a lot of it had to do with him clearing his mind, breathing easily, relaxing and enjoying the sensations rather than fantasizing or worrying about how he was doing.

She'd given him "The Inner Game of Tennis" to read, and he'd learned about not dividing himself into the Michael who was doing something and the other Michael who was watching and criticizing. Just be one Michael, the one who was getting his cock sucked! And it worked, more and more of the time.

Things with Joanna were another story entirely. They were back to where they'd been a month ago, before the night she seduced him--even worse, actually, since he was more suspicious and resentful than ever. Every time he thought about that night he felt humiliated. It had been great, even healing, until her "praise" had brought the specter of her lover into the room with them. Then he had felt condescended to, and it continued to make him wild with anger and bitterness.

So, as before, they gave their love to Amy and Will. They ran the house and their lives together. They were polite to each other in front of the kids, and largely separate otherwise. And with each day it seemed more and more possible to imagine a life away from her--except for the kids. Except for the kids.

Michael was on his way to San Diego. His great-aunt Jane had died at the age of 91. She was his paternal grandfather's last surviving sibling, and he'd known her well when he was a boy. She'd been spunky and fun, and he cared about her a lot. Michael never even considered not flying out for the funeral.

****************************

Three days later Michael flew home with an entirely different set of thoughts in his mind. He'd enjoyed the visit--enjoyed seeing his cousins and aunts and uncles, enjoyed the funeral which had been sad but also full of great stories about Jane and her adventures, enjoyed being once again immersed in the life of his extended family after so many years.

That morning before heading to the airport he'd met with Jane's attorney and learned to his shock that he'd be receiving a part of her substantial estate. As impossible as it was to get his head around, in about a week a check for $481,000 was going to show up in his mailbox.

So Michael's mind on the return flight wasn't filled with reflections about Marina at all, and not really about Joanna either. It was about what that money might mean--how he could use it, how it might be a key to the resolution of his unhappy situation.

When he got home Michael dumped his bags, accepted excited hugs from Amy and Will, traded smiles with Joanna--she didn't dare come embrace him--and sat down to a noisy, festive reunion dinner for the four of them. Then he got up from the table, told Joanna that "I need to take a walk," and headed out for an inspection of the neighborhood before it got too dark.

****************************

"It's only six houses down, around a corner but on the same side of the street." Michael was excited, talking quickly. "So Amy could ride her bike there now, and Will too in a few years. It would be a perfect solution!"

"Back up a little, okay Michael?" she said.

"Sorry, Elizabeth," he said, grinning. "My aunt Jane died last week, I just got back from her funeral. And she left me nearly $500,000! So on the way I home it occurred to me. The main reason I haven't left my marriage is the kids, being afraid that I'd never see them.

"But if I found a house close by it would be easy! We could share custody, or even if Joanna had custody I could still see them all the time. So I looked around my neighborhood, and there's a three-bedroom place for sale just down the street!"

He was happier than she'd seen before--lighter somehow, straighter in his chair, as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Not surprising, Elizabeth thought. For the first time he saw a way out. But she wasn't sure it was the right way.

"I can tell you're excited, Michael," she said. "But the situation you're in--I wouldn't exactly describe it as a 'real estate' problem. Are you so sure that the best solution is a 'real estate' solution?"

"I think so," he said, smiling. Her question didn't appear to raise any doubts in his mind. She decided to be more blunt.

"Are you sure, really sure, that your marriage is over? A great, loving marriage that has lasted for nearly nine years? One with two fantastic kids you both adore? Has Joanna's affair really destroyed it beyond any possibility of putting it back together?"

Michael took his time before he answered. "It's always been the kids. That was the only issue.

"At first--after I found out--I would have been out of there like a shot, except for Amy and Will. But I stuck it out, because I couldn't stand the idea of not seeing them all the time. You know all this.

"So we settled down into a kind of truce--and I guess I was treading water. I didn't see any way out, so I was willing to wait. And do the work with you and Marina--at least I've been making progress on that front.

"And when Joanna seduced me ... well, at the time it seemed like it might be a good thing, moving forward, getting close again. God knows I'd missed her, missed holding her and loving her.

"But then after what she said..." Michael stopped and was silent. She waited.

"She cut my balls off. She wasn't happy with the way I fucked her, so she found some other guy who did it better. And she went on fucking him until I caught her."

Elizabeth said, "you don't know the story, Michael. You don't know how it really was, what it was really about--and you won't unless you talk about it with Joanna."

"Yeah, well, I know enough. I know she liked him enough to blow off a family day, our Saturday at the zoo, blow off me and Will and Amy to spend the day screwing someone else! How'm I supposed to get past that? Why should I want to?"

Elizabeth took a deep breath, and then pushed harder. "So you're prepared to get a divorce, break up your kids' family--because of what you THINK she did? Michael, let me ask you a couple of questions.

"Hasn't Joanna been devastated by your anger and your withdrawal? Hasn't she reached out to you any number of ways? Hasn't she been patient, tried to be loving while still respecting your boundaries? Do you really have any doubt that she loves you and wants to make this up to you?"

He sighed. "Yes. Yes she loves me, and yes she's been trying."

"Then think about this, okay? You can always get divorced. You've got the money now, you can buy a house nearby--maybe not the one you saw, but some house.

"But you can't put this back together once you've smashed it. You need to be sure, really sure that there's no way back, before you take the baseball bat to it."

He looked unhappy, but he nodded. "Yeah, I know." Silence.

"I've got to talk to her. Hear the story."

She nodded. "Yes, you do."

****************************

"I think we should talk about it." Joanna's mouth dropped open in shock. Michael was standing in the doorway of the master bedroom, watching her as she sat in bed with a book. The kids were asleep.

"I ... okay, of course, Michael. But--but now? After nearly ten months you want to talk?"

He nodded, and closed the door before coming to sit down in a chair across from her side of the bed. "I need to know. What it was all about, why you ... why you fucked him.

"Why you fucked him and kept on fucking him. Why you lied to me and skipped our family day at the zoo to spend the whole day fucking him in his condo. Why you--"

He stopped suddenly. His voice had risen and he felt himself getting angry, losing control. He took a deep breath.

"Sorry. I'll stay calm. But I have to know about it."

She said, "of course I'll tell you, Michael. I am so, so sorry for what I did. For hurting you, for--for cheating on you, on our marriage. I am sorry and ashamed, and I wish every day that I could take it back."

He waved a hand impatiently. "Yeah, I get it. You're sorry--blah, blah, blah.

"Let me tell you, Joanna, that doesn't do a great deal for me, you know? It doesn't take the feelings away--the betrayal, the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. You know how I found out?"

She shook her heard, terrified at what she was about to hear.

"You called me 'Trev'. I was eating your pussy, one Saturday night after we'd been out dancing, and you said, 'oh God yes, Trev, just like that.' "

She stared at him in horror. Finally, in a tiny voice she said, "I really did that?"

He nodded. "Yes indeed you did. So I started digging around and found a few of the emails between you and lover-boy, those nice quick messages to plan your get-togethers. Including the Saturday one, when you passed on zoo-day with me and the kids."