We took our youngest son off to college last month and since then, my wife Maggie, had been pestering me to go to this resort for a week.
"Tell me again what this is," I asked.
"It's basically a weeklong counseling session, sometimes we'll be together and sometimes by ourselves. The counselors will review every aspect of our marriage. The grounds are beautiful, and the food will be delicious. Everything will be four stars. Jack, it would help our marriage become stronger," she said.
"I didn't know our marriage wasn't strong enough," I countered.
"You don't understand how big a change this is for me. For the first time in 28 years, I won't have children to tend to. Many marriages fail at this point, and I don't was ours to be one of them," she argued.
In order to avoid the sarcasm building up inside me, I agreed to go. The next day she called me at work to give me the dates and I put in my vacation request which was quickly granted.
Monday morning, we were both quiet on the three hour drive up there. Basically, we have been quiet for the last dozen years at least. From the long driveway the place looked amazing. A big old Gregorian Mansion surrounded by manicured lawns and fountains. It looked like it belonged on a golf course, but Maggie already told me there was no golf. There was a nice pool and gym.
The first problem was we had to turn our cell phones over to resort staff. Maggie was pleading with me not to make a scene.
"You know I have a dozen projects going on and my staff needs to get in touch with any problems."
"I'm sorry I forgot to tell you about the no cell phone policy Jack," said Maggie.
"Can you please make other arrangements. We need this, Jack."
"I'm going to make a few phone calls from our car."
"You can't call from the car Jack; the valet took it, and we don't get it back until our stay is done."
"What the fuck Maggie. Is that something else you forgot to tell me. So, we're fucking prisoners here for a week?"
"Its to keep people engaged in the process instead of running away."
"And when will we be released from prison?"
"Sunday at noon Jack. Please Jack, don't look at it that way."
I sat down on the front steps and started making phone calls. First to my secretary to tell her I would be unavailable for the week. She had been busting my stones about the marriage retreat since I told her about it. When I told her they were taking my phone she burst out laughing. When I told her we wouldn't be allowed to leave until Sunday at noon, she dropped the phone. When she finally picked it back up she said she had to go because she just pissed herself.
When she was done laughing, I asked her to call Peter Gray and tell him to move forward on all three projects we were working on and I'll be ready Sunday at noon. And then I called my right-hand man and endured the same laughter from him. I told him he was in charge for the week. My boss laughed harder than anyone and wanted to know if I wanted him to break me out of marriage jail.
Then I shut my phone off and handed it to one of the guys in a white gym suit. They all seemed to be wearing white gym suits like something out of a sci-fi movie.
Maggie grabbed my arm and some of the staff grabbed our bags and led us to our room. The room was luxurious. A big king-size bed, a balcony overlooking the ground and our private dining area. The bathroom was bigger than our living room at home. We had our own gym with one of those fancy exercise bikes attached to a huge flat screen TV. I always wanted one of those. Bike riding was my favorite form of exercise, but the weather or work made it hard to get out more than a few rides each week.
We had to order our dinner and unpack our bags. As soon as that was done, I climbed on the bike. I loved that thing, and I was so in the zone I didn't want to stop. Two hours later it still took Maggie three tries before I agreed to get off for dinner.
She was pissed because I screwed up the whole schedule for the evening. I reminded her she never told me about a schedule. After dinner we had our first meeting with the guru who ran the place. Maggie was pissed that I didn't take a shower after my workout.
The meeting with the guru went as expected, he talked for an hour about how many couples left the resort reinvigorated with their marriages when they left. I asked him how many couples left the resort not reinvigorated. Maggie punched my arm. I thought it was a valid question. Then he asked us to talk about ourselves. Maggie started talking about how our marriage had grown stale over the years and she hoped that this week would add some spark back. He turned to me, and I said, "our marriage has been what it is for over a dozen years. We're both in our fifties. I'm not looking for sparks, I'm looking to retire and see the world."
Mr. Guru said, "Well, its not unusual for couples to have different goals when they arrive. But that's what we do here, we merge those goals together."
We were dismissed and as we were leaving, I saw an older man walking away that looked familiar. I asked Maggie if she knew him, and she said no. I didn't like her 'no.'
When we got back to our room, there was a bottle of wine on the table. We poured a glass, and I got in the shower. When I got out, Maggie wanted us to watch a movie together. She picked "The Bridges of Madison County." In case you haven't seen it, Clint Eastwood comes to town to take pictures of covered bridges and hooks up with one of the local wives while her husband is away. I think I fell asleep the last time we watched and between the workout and wine, I was asleep before the movie was half over. Someday I'll have to watch the end.
Tuesday morning, we went our separate ways, and I was led into a conference room with a computer terminal. I was instructed to answer a questionnaire. There must have been 200 questions. They wanted to know when I had my first sexual experience and who it was, I couldn't remember her name or when. How many women I had sexual experiences with, maybe 10. Did I have any sexual experiences with other men, that was an easy no. Was I ever married before, no again. When was the last time I had sex with your wife, years ago. How often do you have sex with your wife, never. Then it started asking the questions over again in different formats. It was an old psychology trick to see if you were consistent in your answers.
Then I had to meet with one of the counselors to discuss my answers. He asked some bullshit questions like why I couldn't remember the first person I had sex with, we were at a party, she was drunk, I was drunk, she was easy, maybe I knew her name before I fucked her but 40 years later, I couldn't even tell you what she looked like. Then he focused on my sex life with Maggie.
"You said it's been years since you had sex with your wife?"
"Yes, that's what I said the twelve times you asked the question."
"Why so long."
"I can't remember the last time I found Maggie physically attractive or attractive in any sense."
"Then why do you stay married to her?"
"Sorry, I always thought marriage was supposed to be more than about sex, like two people caring for each other and raising our family together. Maggie has never complained."
I thought it was odd that my response seemed to stump him.
We had another question-and-answer session after lunch, but I skipped lunch and spent another two hours on the bike. Maggie was angry that I didn't have time to shower before the next interview.
The questions and answers were about male-male sex. All my answers were no, and I didn't get an interview
Wednesday morning, I was back in the same conference room with the same terminal. These two hundred questions started with, have you ever been unfaithful to your wife and how many times, no and never. If you had been unfaithful to your wife, would you expect her to forgive you, no. Do you know if your wife was ever unfaithful to you, no. If she was, would you forgive her, that depends. That was the general theme of the questionnaire, asking the same questions over and over again.
The interview started with "why hadn't I ever been unfaithful to my wife."
"I'm sorry, I thought that would be the normal answer."
"You travel a lot for business don't you, you've never been tempted to cheat on Maggie?"
"No, and I'm insulted that you would ask. Maggie and I took a vow, and I honor that vow. I never put myself in a position to be tempted. My focus during the day is on the business at hand and I skip the bars at night and prepare for the next day's meetings."
Again, he seemed dumbfounded.
"You answered that it would depend, if you would forgive Maggie if she broke her vows, why?"
"I am an engineer, before you make a decision, you review all of the facts, all of the alternatives and the pros and cons of all those alternatives. Should you use carbon steel or stainless steel in a piping system, what's the corrosion risk, what would be the repair cost. The number of possible scenarios if Maggie was unfaithful are probably infinite."
I didn't mean this to be a game of stump the chump but that's how it was turning out.
After dinner, we were given the opportunity to stroll the grounds. Maggie insisted I hold her hand. The last time I held her hand was when she was delivering our youngest. After our walk, there was another bottle of wine waiting for us. Maggie wanted to watch another movie. I agreed and it was another movie about an unfaithful wife. I was beginning to sense a theme. Halfway through the movie I was sound asleep on the couch. Maggie woke me up when the movie was over and was annoyed that I hadn't showered after my bike ride.
Thursday I was again in the conference room and answering questions on the terminal. These questions began with my masturbation habits, none. What did I fantasize about, nothing. Do I read porn magazines, no. Do I watch porn videos, no. So, there were a hundred questions about my masturbation habits and my porn habits.
Mr. Interviewer seemed disappointed when it came to asking me questions.
Jack, have you ever masturbated?
