Chapter 4
The drive home was so tense. I had a hard time paying attention to the road. I thought of the elders of the church penetrating my butt while my husband watched. I thought of my encounter with a nameless man at the hotel. I thought of how good both felt and the more I thought about it, the more I hoped to find a way for it to continue.
But I would not leave my husband and I couldn't let him leave me. He was too good a father and a great provider and up until yesterday, had been a great husband.
No, this would require some work. But, didn't I hold all the cards. Those men had taken my butt at my husband's direction. True, I had cheated with Calvin first and his action had been retribution, but this was a difficult situation.
When I arrived home, I was still only sure of two things. I was going to be more in control of my own situation. And, I was not going to sacrifice my marriage. How I was going to accomplish this I wasn't sure. I had thought long and hard with still no resolution.
Worse than that, every time I let my mind wander, it wandered to the hotel room and the altar at church and I could still picture and feel every one of the penises. And in their own way, I loved each and every one of them.
The drive home yielded no answers and so I walked in the house in a bad, frustrated mood and my husband greeting me at the door trying to kiss me as if nothing were wrong did little to buoy my mood.
I put my hand up to block his advance and turned his face to the side.
"We have a lot of talking to do first" was all I said as I went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.
To his credit, he followed me into the kitchen and sat across the table from me, making himself available to talk without forcing me into conversation before I was ready. I stared into my coffee for several minutes.
"You hurt me a lot" I finally said bluntly.
"I know" he said, "But I was hurt too. You cheated first and with Calvin."
I stared into my coffee for a few more moments.
"I liked it" I admitted.
"What?" he asked.
"All of it. Everything except not having a choice. But even then, once they started on me, I liked that too." I explained.
He stared at me, in obvious disbelief.
"I think I am going to keep doing it" I said thoughtfully.
His face was immediately twisted into a rage that I had never seen before. It was scary, but I was going to hold my ground. I knew I had all the cards. Or, at least most of them.
"You will not!" He shouted.
"I will" I said calmly. "And there will be a few more changes. And, I believe you will happily do as I ask since if you don't, I will tell the congregation what happened. I will tell a lawyer what happened. And I will tell your parents what happened. You'll lose your reputation, your church, your family and, what I think is most important to you and certainly to me, our kids. I don't want them to lose their father. I know you don't either."
"You can't do that" he said, sounding defeated.
"It's all right. I still love you and don't want to lose you. I want you to always be there for our kids. Just....be good."
I took out my phone while he watched and dialed Calvin's number.
"Hello" Calvin said after two rings.
"Calvin, meet me at the church at 4." I said.
"Ummm, I don't know....." he stammered.
"Calvin, Joyce will find out about yesterday if you don't." I used the same threat against him as my husband and it worked equally as well.
"See you there" he said quickly and hung up.
I dialed him back and he picked up again.
"Calvin.... Don't hang up on me until I tell you it's OK." I demanded.
"Uhhhh, OK" he said.
"Now you can hang up. Tell Joyce I said hi. And you better tell her." I said with an implied threat.
"OK, bye" he said as he quickly hung up.
"What are you doing?" my husband asked, obviously confused and taken aback.
"I am going to...discuss things with Calvin. After that, I don't know. I haven't decided a lot of things but I do know that everything that happened, I liked. Except, being out of control. So, I am going to be IN control. I just don't know what I want yet."
"You can't....." he started as I turned and quickly left the room.