After moving to a new church and finally getting established, my husband, who had taken on the pastorate, had taken part in a ritual where he had shared me with the leadership of the church. I had cheated on him first, with the director of security, but his ensuing actions were inconceivable.
On our drive home from service, we had had the worst argument. I couldn't believe how I had been treated and I couldn't believe he had been part of it. It all came back to the fact that I could not claim innocence as I had been the first to be unfaithful.
Honestly, he had not been unfaithful. He had merely found out about my indiscretion and had decided that a just course of action was to treat me as a harlot since I had acted like one. I told him I valued him as a father. He had been wonderful for and to our children and I did not want them to lose that, but I would not be passed around as a trinket for everyone else's amusement.
I had not spoken of what happened to anyone else. I assumed none of them women in the church knew. But, now, every man in leadership in our church had their secret kept with me and they could do nothing to harm my marriage but I held sway over theirs.
There was one thing that was much more troubling than the rest, however, and that was the fact that I had liked the sex. I had liked the attention and the feeling and the abandon of letting go and letting them take control of me, but I refused to give up control of my life.
I was in such inner turmoil that I couldn't talk to my husband anymore. Once we arrived at home, I helped put the children to bed and then told him I had to go think.
"Where are you going?" he asked, fearing I was leaving him, but he had not listened. That was not to be the case. There were, however, changes to be made and I had to figure out what they were to be.
I slipped into a pair of jeans and a pair of heels with a black button up top with my black push up bra. I felt good in these clothes right now. I felt desirable and in control. I felt as if I was walking out into a world where I had choices that I could make, not that others could make for me.
He obviously was concerned about what I was wearing, but he had no say in that, or frankly any other, matter right then.
I tapped the voice control for my phone on the steering wheel.
"Call Mom." I said weakly. I followed that quickly with "cancel". I knew that was not the thing to do. If I went there, they would know something was wrong. They would pry. I would spend so much time avoiding what I didn't want to talk about that I wouldn't be able to get any time alone in my head.
No, I would not go to my parents. I just started to drive and watch the countryside go by. Dark fields with shadows of cows and horses scattered her and there interspersed with long straight roads that seemed to stretch to the horizon filled my sight as my mind went into overdrive.
I don't remember a single coherent thought. I don't remember any of the drive, I just suddenly realized I was coming upon a more populated area. The decision was made for me.
A nice hotel loomed ahead. It was white; formal with columns flanking two ornate doors. It looked like a large country inn.
I pulled in and parked, pulling out my bag and walking to the door. I enjoyed the walk. I liked the way it felt to walk in my heels and in my clothes. I liked to feel my breasts bounce as I strutted more with each step. By the time I reached the door, I was a confident woman. I was much more confident and in control than I had been at church that afternoon when the men had passed me around.
I walked up to the desk where a young girl of 18 or 20 was manning the desk.
"How can I help you?" she asked, barely looking up from her cellphone.
"Room for one. Just for tonight, I think" I replied while wondering if this would be my only night away from my family.
"First floor or second floor?" she asked as she looked at her computer screen. "Most everybody checked out today so you pretty much have the run of the place."
"Second please. And end unit if you have one available." I said.
"Yup, 222. Nice room, right on the end. Near the vending room and the upper workout room if you want to use it."
"Sounds perfect" I said, my attention already wandering. "Is there somewhere I can get something to eat? I haven't had dinner yet." I added.
"Sure. There's a pretty decent diner right across the parking lot from the entrance at your end of the hotel. Foods not bad. Reasonably priced too. They also do room service here, if you don't want to go out." She offered helpfully.
"Great" I said as a smile finally landed on my face. "You've been very helpful" I said as I handed her my credit card to cover the bill.
After settling into my room, I quickly made for the diner. I was struck by its cleanliness. It was in every way what you would expect from a classic north eastern diner, except it was immaculate, with surfaces of glistening white, spotless white tile floors and clean windows hovering over booths with clean white tops. The only thing marring this sea of white was the burgundy leather of the counter stools and the boot seats.
There was no other person in the diner, save the lone server and the cook who was to be seen moving about in the kitchen.
I sat at the counter and waited mere seconds before a middle-aged woman dropped a menu carelessly in front of me. "Can I get you something to drink, sweetheart?" she asked pleasantly.
"Unsweetened tea?" I more asked than said.
"Be right back" she said as she flitted away.
I looked over the menu and had decided on an egg white cheese omelet with hash browns by the time she had come back. She scooped up the menu and put down napkins and silverware and was gone in a flash again.
She went to the window and called my order into the kitchen and by that time I was lost in my own world. I had my kindle open to a book I had been reading, but that was there more as a prop to provide the aura of business. I was thinking and wanted to continue without interruption.
She came back in a few moments with my food and asked if I needed anything else. I didn't and she was gone.
I sipped my tea and thought back to the events of the past couple of weeks. True, I had strayed first. I had felt flush with pride at the advances of one of the church deacons, but what had allowed him to feel the freedom to make such an advance.
True, Calvin was a flirt with everybody, young and old alike. Was he just casting a wide net and seeing what he reeled in? I couldn't believe that to be the case. He had the same charm with 90-year-old ladies with a walker that he had with the 19 year old girls.
And they all like him and felt the same warmth that I had felt. But, why did he feel it appropriate to make sexually suggestive comments to me?
But once that threshold was crossed, I was more than willing to entertain his advances. I had never thought I would allow it to go any further than a flirtation, but the further it went the more I had enjoyed it.
And, I did like the sex.
I also liked the loss of control. But I was not giving up control of my life. I liked the pursuit. I liked the innuendo. I liked the games, but I liked being in control of when and where I would allow myself to be taken.
That was it. I liked being pursued, but I liked controlling when I was caught.
But, did I like being caught? Most assuredly, I did. I liked everything about it. I detested the manner I was taken today, but I loved being taken. But, how could I reconcile that with the life of a pastor and the wife and mother of a Christian family.
Suddenly, a plate slid into view and my thoughts were interrupted.
"Here ya go sweetie. Let me know if you need anything else." Said the server as she dropped off my food and skittered away.
"That" came a booming baritone voice off to my left, "looks like the most boring 'I'm hungry but I don't want to eat' meal I have ever seen" I made eye contact with a handsome man in his thirties, in a sweatshirt and jeans. As far as I could tell, since he was seated, he was fairly tall with a thin athletic build.
I glanced back down at my plate. He was right. Most of my meals were meant to provide nutrition but allow me to keep my body in shape for those occasional culinary splurges. I must admit, however, that the past week had me watching what I ate more than usual and noticing it's effects more.
"Yeah...." I acquiesced, "A girl has to stay in shape."
I had no idea why I said that. I don't recall that I had ever fished for a compliment. Had I?
"Well, you are doing a bang-up job" he replied, immediately picking up on the opening.
"I would ask if it's any good before I order, but I wouldn't want it anyway" he replied. "No offense intended."
"None taken. I just have some thinking to do and I don't want to get lost in thought and eat too much." I explained.
The server made her quick appearance, dropping a menu in front of him and asking for his drink order. He ordered coffee and water.
"I have to drive to Chicago tonight" he said. "Gonna be a long night."
